Nightmares are a bitch but insomnia is worse

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 180.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

God, it’s hard deciding what to eat. I seem to have gone through the cheesy beans stage which is a bit of a bummer as we have an assortment of tins of beans now resting in the cupboard. Maybe my body will revisit the craving? Anyway, I did a Tesco shop and ordered some soups with baguettes/sourdough rolls because now I have a craving for something hot that doesn’t involve lots of chewing! I don’t even know why – it’s just what my brain was suggesting!

Stripes is out this weekend with her big sister, so Saturday afternoon/early evening I am flying solo and I need to figure out what to do with myself. Of course, I may well end up sleeping the whole time as the insomnia is biting hard which is not being helped by the awful nightmares. They’re extremely vivid and a lot of them seem to be dragging me back to low points in my life, decisions I’ve made that I now regret, or even just situations where things went to shit. I struggle to shake them once I wake up and they seriously affect my mood because – well, who the heck wants to revisit their lifetime of mistakes every night? So, yeah, sleep has not been my friend. Not to say that I’m not tired – I’m freaking exhausted, but sleep isn’t restful and I generally end up feeling even worse when I do manage to grab a few hours.

I still haven’t really cracked open the new worksheets that Stripes found for me. I don’t know if it’s because my mood in general has been a bit low, or maybe just that I’m a coward, but I haven’t felt up to facing them. But I will because it’s important and because I can see a gigantic pothole looming up in front of me. The pothole that is really new territory and entering the 170s. The scale continues to move downwards which is, of course, absolutely brilliant but I (1) still haven’t heard from the surgeons about a surgery date, (2) still have not received my PIP renewal application form and (3) am absolutely bricking myself at the thought of these new numbers.

I guess there was still a part of me that thought the Ozempic would stop working and therefore the numbers wouldn’t keep going down. And I can’t see any difference in myself at all, despite many attempts to stand in front of a mirror and actually look at myself. I haven’t been out so I haven’t had to wear anything other than my pyjamas so it’s not like I can tell by the fit of my clothes. I don’t want to ask Stripes to look at the face photos she has been taking for me because they’re only a month apart, so how big of a difference could there be? I’m edging ever closer to having lost 60 lbs and it’s more than a little disheartening that I can’t see a difference. 

They say comparison is the thief of joy – seeing posts on Reddit with people having lost like 25 lbs and looking completely different, or reaching goal having lost 30 lbs sometimes makes me just feel like such a loser. Their start weight is more often than not my goal weight. It feels so far away, and even though I remind myself that the time will pass and if I stick to this, things will happen, I wish I could see something now. Instead, it just feels like I’m plodding along and the numbers on the scale are just some nebulous meaningless thing. I feel like such a whiney baby when there are also people posting on Reddit that they haven’t lost a single pound since starting months ago – at least I’m a responder which means that even at this low dose, Ozempic is working for me. I should be grateful – I AM grateful. I guess it’s just human nature to want things immediately. I need to be aware of that and work to get over it – it didn’t take just a few months to put the weight on so I can’t expect it to fall off just like that. 

Today is my writing day and I am going to have a look at some of the plot bunnies Meph has been putting into our chat. I don’t know if I’m in the mood to write something serious so Twisted Bonds and The Vamp’s Wolf are out because both of them are at serious points in the story. I’ve written a couple of drabbles and I have at least one ARC I need to read so maybe I’ll call it a day, try to get some sleep and try again later. 

In the meantime, I am grateful for the fact that the Ozempic is still working, enabling me to control my appetite better; I am grateful for the fact that I have been able to get another 4 weeks' supply so can continue; I am grateful for the fact that I am alive and able to look back at my life and see all of the learning moments; I am grateful for the love and affection in my life from my daughters, my friends and my cats; and I am grateful that I can write as a release from the stresses and strains of everyday life.

Shit, I am so tired – I wonder if any of this makes sense! 

New Low and Feeling Low

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 181.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Definitely into new territory weight-wise as once again, the numbers are showing 181. Time to panic about getting into the 170s maybe? Nah, I think I’ll save that particular panic – no point diving into that now when it’s probably going to take another fortnight to get there. I’m on my last injection tomorrow and Stripes is going to be speaking to the pharmacy about my prescription today – I can only hope it’s not the same shambles as last month.

I was going to try to do some more head-work – Stripes gave me the link to some online resources that might prove helpful. I have the notebook, the pens and the vague inclination but I’m feeling a little ropey. Sunday evening, I had a very upset stomach and then again last night. It might be the protein desserts I ordered in an attempt to make sure I was getting enough protein, or at least more than previously. Whatever it was, I spent a considerable amount of time in the bathroom, had to make a run for it twice and felt wrung out by the time I took some immodium.

To top it all off, I didn’t sleep last night so am exhausted. I figured I’d get the book reviews, chapter of current WiP and this journal entry done, and then knock back my painkillers and see if I can get some sleep. Fortunately, I have no deliveries due today so there’s nothing stopping me from grabbing all of the sleep I need.

Still eating once a day but for the last few days I’ve been having sandwiches. I wonder if that means the hyper-fixation on cheesy beans is over and done with? Shame if so, it was nice to have something hot to eat that hit the spot without making me feel bloated/sick. And of course, beans are an excellent source of fibre which helped with the constipation. This whole thing is like a bizarre balancing act between constipation and diarrhoea; feeling too full or hollow; and I wish I could figure out something to help with the horrendous taste in my mouth. It’s pretty much constant and especially worse in the morning after wearing my CPAP mask all night. Chewing gum helps for a short amount of time, as do the cough sweets, but even brushing my teeth with bicarbonate toothpaste doesn’t make my mouth feel fresh.

So, fingers crossed for Stripes as she enters the Pharmacy battlefield once again, and here’s hoping my daily tablets knock me out enough so that I don’t resemble Nosferatu on a bad day!

Fluctuations and their Implications

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182.2 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I saw 181 yesterday. However, I’m not surprised that the scales went up today as it was Gidget’s birthday yesterday and we had pizza, garlic bread and cupcakes, as well as some jelly beans. So far, my stomach hasn’t rebelled but I did learn a few things about myself. I’ve attached a screenshot of my weigh-ins over the last seven days so I can see the fluctuations and see for myself how things change, most of the time for no explicable reason that I can ascertain.

I managed not to over-eat which was a nice achievement – of course, I did sleep a chunk of the day away so there’s that, but I’ll take the victories where I can. The cupcake was absolutely lovely and it would have been so easy to ask for another one, but I didn’t. And I managed to limit the amount of jelly beans I pilfered from Gidget. All in all, I think control and food-plan wise, the day was a success. I’ve given Gidge my tub of Maom to take with her when she returns to halls, and the rest of the cupcakes are going as well, so temptation has been removed from my path.

I’ll more than likely have the remaining half of my pizza and garlic bread for my meal today, so again, that feels like an achievement. I distinctly remember when I would have polished off an entire medium pizza, half of the garlic bread and cookies and not left myself anything for the next day. I needed to see that written in black and white to recognise it as an achievement but I wonder how long it will take me to internalise that as an achievement?

I’ve been feeling – well, flat may be the best way of describing it and I’m not sure why. The current chapter I’m working on in Mantra is regarding Nutrition so maybe that’s why I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m still not eating ‘well’ by any means, but I do seem to have settled into having one main meal a day, with perhaps a small snack later. I’m not sure that’s a good thing but it does seem to be where my body/brain has decided to settle for the time being.

I had a minor panic when I realised I only had two injections left and I hated the thought of running out. I guess that might be part of what’s going on in my head – the almost constant fear of supply issues making it difficult to settle down and accept that this is it for the foreseeable future. I think I may be due a phone call from Violet soon and I will bring up Zepbound or whatever is the latest semaglutide drug that is easily available, just so I can settle my concerns about it all.

I should be so pleased with myself – I’ve lost 4 stone and am literally a lb away from being under 400 lbs for the first time in well over five years. I guess part of it is the (completely natural) scale fluctuations where I put on/lose half a kilo regularly and then suddenly there’s a proper drop that seems to be constant. Then the cycle begins all over again. And this week, I haven’t experienced ‘the great emptying’, although I don’t think I’m constipated as my stomach isn’t rock hard and I’m not in pain. Maybe my body is accepting the status quo and accepting that this is how things will be for a while?

I think the best thing I can do for myself is try to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep last night – maybe because I had a long nap the day before? – which means that if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up back on a nocturnal schedule which doesn’t help/serve me. It’s too easy in the middle of the night to feel all of these complicated emotions overtake me and feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what the next chapter of Mantra covers but then, shouldn’t I be concentrating on what I’m currently working on rather than worry about what’s coming up next?

I think the last section I did which talked about a support network, having a person to talk to who is slightly more separated from things here would be good. It’s not fair to put everything onto Stripes’ shoulders while she is handling her stuff, but it isn’t easy because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing myself damage/harm trying to work through this Mantra stuff without a counsellor to speak to to help me figure out how I am feeling/handling all of the emotions and turmoil it’s bringing up. But that’s the reality of the situation – I don’t have access to a counsellor, and even if I could get a doctor’s appointment to talk about it, the waiting list is obscene and half the time when you do get to talk to someone, it’s only for six weeks.

And the ever-present fear regarding my PIP coming to an end is growing. I still haven’t received any paperwork from them and I’m wondering if I should call them. But there’s a part of me that wants to hide away and not bring myself to their attention. Of course, that could completely bite me on the ass when June comes around and I get no money because my award has expired. Maybe that should be my goal for this week? Get in touch with the DWP and ask for the paperwork to continue my award? Ugh, sometimes adulting really does suck.

56 lbs off yet not celebrating!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

56 LBS OFF!!! That’s 4 stone or 25.7 kg. Pretty darn good if I say so myself! So I should be celebrating – right?

Yeah, maybe not. My brain can see the number on the scales and can see that I am doing well. But I can’t see any difference – in my body or face, in how I feel, in walking around. Actually, that’s not completely true – it’s easier to stand on the scales which means I am more compact(?) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to balance on them. But that feels like such a small thing. I know that it’s not a small thing, but it feels like it is.

I’ve been doing more Mantra work and oh my God, that shit is hard. Looking at ways in which being SMO protects me – or feels like it protects me – from making the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Never mind that it’s it own kind of prison – somehow I’ve internalised that if I’m fat and disabled, I won’t be considered attractive so I won’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past with men and relationships. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before on here, but I now have an A4 notebook full of the weird workings of my brain. And I want to try to do some more work on it today. Well, want to is a bit of a misnomer, but I do feel like doing it is helping me – even if it’s just seeing how utterly fucked in the head I am.

I have had a better handle on my eating over the last couple of days. I put the little tub of Maom sweets under the bed where it’s difficult for me to reach them and gave the unopened packet to Stripes to take with her when she goes to the pub quiz this week, thereby removing temptation. I’ve been having one meal a day and it’s been strange – I have a horrid taste in my mouth, like old baked beans (sorry but that’s the only thing I can compare it to). My mouth also always feels like it’s full of saliva all the time like I’m about to be sick. Which might explain why I’m only having one meal a day. I have also been having an ice cream bar so I’m not being perfect, but it doesn’t seem to be causing me too much upset so I shall allow myself the treat.

The scales went down to 181.7 the other day which was a bit of a shock, but I’m more than happy to see 182 this morning. I want to count how many weeks I’ve been following Ozempic/Trulicity but it’s roughly 4.5 months that I’ve been doing this.

Woke myself up having a screaming nightmare this morning and struggled out of bed because I just needed to walk it off. Fortunately, Stripes was up feeding the beasties so I got a huge hug which helped a lot. Then I called Marmee and we talked for about 45 minutes and I felt better. 54 years old and still calling my Mummy when I have a bad dream. Who cares, right? I hope I’m still here for my girls when they’re my age if they need me.

Today, I want to do more Mantra work and also write a couple of chapters on some fics. And then I really need to find something to read because I have no ARCs at the moment. I’m going to take the scales as a win, pat myself on the back and get on with it – jab night tonight!

Feelings - nothing more than feelings....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.6 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

WARNING – ANGRY VENT AHEAD

It’s 8.30 in the morning and I can’t sleep – haven’t slept all night – because my mind is racing. So I thought the best thing that I could do is try to write all of the thoughts out of my head so that I can finally get some sleep. Warning, there may be profanity included.

I fucking hate Easter. Like – utterly detest it. Not for religious reasons or anything like that, but plain and simple because of the sheer amount of chocolate and sweets that surround the whole holiday. It feels like it’s impossible to avoid them – they’re on all of the adverts, buses, billboards – just masses of photos of delicious chocolate that is meant to be a little treat.

And it’s for selfish reasons. I know all about the idea of willpower and just saying no. I get that – I know lots of people enjoy Easter for lots of reasons that don’t have anything to do with chocolate or hot cross buns.

But it’s so fucking hard – and after Easter, it gets harder because all of this chocolate is suddenly half price off! It should be simple, right – just don’t buy the chocolate and you won’t fall prey to its’ evil clutches. But the sheer fact that some people can just not when it comes to chocolate boggles my mind. Even with Ozempic, all of that chocolate around is such an incredible temptation.

I distinctly remember arguing with someone over the whole ‘eat less, move more’ attitude towards dieting. This was years ago and I can’t even remember who it was, although I’m pretty sure I’ve had similar conversations with more than one person. I asked them if they would take an alcoholic to the pub or just tell a heroin addict not to shoot up and them saying it’s not the same thing. I replied that’s it’s harder because you can’t just give up eating. You have to face your addiction every single day, several times a day. And willpower isn’t infinite and it isn’t enough. If it was as simple as ‘eat less, move more’, the diet industry wouldn’t be making billions every year.

I ate about three large Easter eggs over the course of the last two weeks and if I’m being completely honest, I could have happily eaten more. Not necessarily because I wanted it – Ozempic has definitely dealt with food cravings quite efficiently. But because it represents a treat, something nice and a little special that everyone can have. But I can’t have it because I have so little self-control – a small piece of chocolate never feels like it’s enough, I always want more. Food – the dopamine fix from it – is still very much part of me and I don’t know quite how to handle it. But I know that I need to because Ozempic is only a tool – it won’t fix me, or stop me too much.

I can still eat too much. And especially chocolate and sweets, and some fatty foods like MacDonalds. I pay for it with the digestive issues and the stomach upset and the burst piles – but when I’m thinking with my emotional head on, all of those things don’t matter. Whether its’ because I want to hide from how I’m feeling, whether I feel like I deserve a reward for something ‘good’ that I’ve done, or I’m panicking about how much weight I’ve already lost (will it keep coming off? What if it does keep coming off – how will I hide if I lose the weight?!) – chocolate and sweet things all ‘help’ with those feelings/thoughts. It’s a temporary and destructive solution that I know I need to work on, but God, it’s so fucking hard.

I know people are trying to be nice when they buy me chocolate, sweets or other food. And it feels rude to say thanks but no thanks because often people are trying to show that they have thought about me – acts of service, gifts, food – all ways to show love. So saying no thank you feels like I’m rejecting affection, which I’m not. But how do I say nicely ‘don’t feed me your love, show it to me in other ways’? Do I have the right to say that to people? Isn’t that making my issue somehow their issue?

See what I mean about all of the insane thoughts racing through my head – its no wonder I haven’t been able to sleep. I talked to Stripes about it last night, and that helped a little. But unfortunately I think this is something ingrained in me that I am going to have to winkle out over time. Whether it’s by writing letters to the main culprits (never sending them because who needs that much negativity out in the world and you can never tell how someone is going to respond) or accepting the gift and giving it away immediately – I have to get a handle on this.

I’ve asked that no one in my immediate circle offer/buy/give me chocolate, sweets or cake for the foreseeable future unless I specifically ask for it. Anyone outside of that circle shouldn’t really have a reason to offer me anything – my birthday was a couple of months ago, Mother’s Day has been and gone – the next celebration is Eldest Daughter’s birthday but fortunately that’s nearly 200 miles away and even I would have a problem trying to get my hands on birthday cake from that far!

I feel like I need to get a handle on my eating. I don’t know if I’ve just got used to the whole Ozempic feeling, but the lack of hunger doesn’t seem to be as ‘present’ as it used to be. Which is where doing the work comes in – where the whole using Ozempic as a tool whilst I revamp my eating and exercise habits comes in. Ozempic, weight loss surgery – none of that is going to fix me. I need to put in the work to fix myself. Which probably means doing more Mantra work and that’s a whole different vent.

April Head Stuff

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Another week over and where am I? Well, Wednesday and Thursday I had what I guess I could see as my weekly ‘emptying’? It was bad but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been the previous week. My weight has ‘settled’ at around 183, so hopefully next week I’ll be moving into new territory – it’s been well over a decade since I’ve since anything lower than 183 so that would be momentous.

There was a post on Reddit that caught my attention – someone was asking about people who were super morbidly obese and how they were doing. It struck me, like it has in the past, that a lot of people taking semaglutide are trying to lose weight from a position that is almost alien for me – their start weight is somewhere I would absolutely love to be at – 250lbs etc. It can be hard reading how they describe themselves knowing that I weigh so much more than they do at their highest – is that how they view people like me? Do they judge me harshly for letting things get this far or am I projecting because I know that I judge myself. It surprised me how many people responded in the thread but many of them expressed the same feelings as me – they’re taking the meds, dealing with the side effects and just hoping the weight comes off. They don’t generally speak or share because they don’t think people will understand the struggle they face and/or they don’t want to be judged for where they are in their journey.

I did some mantra work and it upset me – as usual. It was writing to my eating disorder as a friend and what it has done for me over the years. It talked about feeling invisible, how being fat protected me in some way, in how I’ve hidden myself away in my weight and let it lock me into a comfort zone that also isolates me. Difficult stuff, possibly made more difficult by the fact that I don’t have a counsellor to talk this stuff over with. I want to persevere because I think it all helps in the weight loss journey – however long it takes to get a surgery date, I am committed to losing this weight and that means facing the things that helped me reach this stage and stay here. Hard to face though. And then I had to write to my eating disorder as an enemy – that was actually harder because it kept feeling like I was praising it for what it was doing for me – being fat protects me from the idea of relationships because who would want to be with me looking the way that I do?

I think I’ve internalised the idea that I have shit taste in partners because I’ve been told it – jokingly – so often. Two broken marriages, no long term relationship – no short term relationship in sight. Not even sure I would want one – the issues that always affect relationships, the changes that would have to be made – I’m in no way shape or form ready to face any of that, and being fat/chronically disabled means that I don’t have to. Weird to think that part of my brain might want to keep me the way that I am in order to protect myself.

Today is my writing day and I’ve already done 2000 words on the fic I’m writing with Rowan. It’s fun although I know we’ve only just started. I want to write a bit on Twisted Bonds and then maybe see if there are any books I want to read. I’ve done all of my ARCs and reviews that are due, so now it’s reading for ‘fun’.

End of March and into Spring

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.1 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Firstly, how the heck have I got ezcema on my eyelids? It is so freaking irritating – I constantly want to be raking at them, which of course makes it worse. I’ve tried eye ointment with no success apart from making my eyes feel greasy. I’ve checked the internet (much easier than trying to get a dr’s appointment) and apparently I can use my hydrocortistone cream 1% or vaseline safely on my eyelids so from tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Shocked to see that the scales have maintained their downward trend – I really thought seeing 183 was a flash in the pan. I should be pleased but instead I’m just kinda confused. I can’t see any real changes. Both Stripes and Grim have told me they can see it in my face, particularly around my jawline, but I just can’t see it.

So, yep hold your breath – here are two photographs of my face side by side.

I never realised how careful I was to not keep any photographs of my face until I tried to find one that I could do a decent side-by-side comparison collage. I finally found one from when I started back in November ‘23 because you could see my whole face, complete with extra chins, etc whereas the latest photos are either upside down (I discovered that taking a photo upside down gave me a very sharp jawline and some cheekbones!), or slanted to such a degree that you can’t see my whole face. Apparently I’m a master of hiding from the camera even whilst taking photos!

I think I can see the difference – I’m pretty sure I can see the difference – but then again, maybe that’s because I’m searching desperately for some visible changes? I know it’s going to take a long, long while before I will see a difference in my body, despite it being over 50 lbs down. But I guess I kinda hoped to see more in my face? I dunno – maybe I’m expecting too much.

Either way, this is the last day of March which means I’ve been doing this whole semaglutide thing for just under six months. It’s definitely working, even if sometimes it feels like I’m only losing weight because I’m pooping it out. I was chatting to a friend and asking if I’ve become one of those evangelical people who have ‘seen the light’ and go on and on about how I am losing weight and she said, yeah, just a little. So I need to be more careful about that because I know just as well as any other fat person that until you’re ready, it doesn’t matter who’s preaching to you about what’s working, it won’t make a blind bit of difference.

I’ve kept down two slices of toast and a small frozen fish pie and am feeling pretty darn perky considering it’s 7 a.m. in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I will definitely be catching a major nap today as Stripes is going out for coffee so I don’t have to feel guilty for being a slug-a-bed and not keeping her company. Actually, I’ve just realised the clocks went forward so to my body, it’s only 6 a.m. so that might explain the perkiness!

I finished yet another one of the ARCs in my TBR pile and have three/four left to read but I am ahead of schedule so have caught up from being ill. I had a shower, did a foot pack, moisturised the bits I could easily find – yep, I think I’m heading into Spring doing relatively the best that I can.

Should I be setting a mini goal for April? I want to lose the next 10% which would take me down to 168 kg, but should there be an interim mini goal? I could aim for 60lbs off I suppose, which would be 27.2 kg – am I aiming too low? Should I say I want to lose 5 kgs in April or just see where things go. I think I’ll revisit this when it’s not ass-o’clock in the morning. And possibly after I’ve had another look at the mantra stuff. I don’t want to inadvertently trip myself up!