End of March and into Spring

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.1 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Firstly, how the heck have I got ezcema on my eyelids? It is so freaking irritating – I constantly want to be raking at them, which of course makes it worse. I’ve tried eye ointment with no success apart from making my eyes feel greasy. I’ve checked the internet (much easier than trying to get a dr’s appointment) and apparently I can use my hydrocortistone cream 1% or vaseline safely on my eyelids so from tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Shocked to see that the scales have maintained their downward trend – I really thought seeing 183 was a flash in the pan. I should be pleased but instead I’m just kinda confused. I can’t see any real changes. Both Stripes and Grim have told me they can see it in my face, particularly around my jawline, but I just can’t see it.

So, yep hold your breath – here are two photographs of my face side by side.

I never realised how careful I was to not keep any photographs of my face until I tried to find one that I could do a decent side-by-side comparison collage. I finally found one from when I started back in November ‘23 because you could see my whole face, complete with extra chins, etc whereas the latest photos are either upside down (I discovered that taking a photo upside down gave me a very sharp jawline and some cheekbones!), or slanted to such a degree that you can’t see my whole face. Apparently I’m a master of hiding from the camera even whilst taking photos!

I think I can see the difference – I’m pretty sure I can see the difference – but then again, maybe that’s because I’m searching desperately for some visible changes? I know it’s going to take a long, long while before I will see a difference in my body, despite it being over 50 lbs down. But I guess I kinda hoped to see more in my face? I dunno – maybe I’m expecting too much.

Either way, this is the last day of March which means I’ve been doing this whole semaglutide thing for just under six months. It’s definitely working, even if sometimes it feels like I’m only losing weight because I’m pooping it out. I was chatting to a friend and asking if I’ve become one of those evangelical people who have ‘seen the light’ and go on and on about how I am losing weight and she said, yeah, just a little. So I need to be more careful about that because I know just as well as any other fat person that until you’re ready, it doesn’t matter who’s preaching to you about what’s working, it won’t make a blind bit of difference.

I’ve kept down two slices of toast and a small frozen fish pie and am feeling pretty darn perky considering it’s 7 a.m. in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I will definitely be catching a major nap today as Stripes is going out for coffee so I don’t have to feel guilty for being a slug-a-bed and not keeping her company. Actually, I’ve just realised the clocks went forward so to my body, it’s only 6 a.m. so that might explain the perkiness!

I finished yet another one of the ARCs in my TBR pile and have three/four left to read but I am ahead of schedule so have caught up from being ill. I had a shower, did a foot pack, moisturised the bits I could easily find – yep, I think I’m heading into Spring doing relatively the best that I can.

Should I be setting a mini goal for April? I want to lose the next 10% which would take me down to 168 kg, but should there be an interim mini goal? I could aim for 60lbs off I suppose, which would be 27.2 kg – am I aiming too low? Should I say I want to lose 5 kgs in April or just see where things go. I think I’ll revisit this when it’s not ass-o’clock in the morning. And possibly after I’ve had another look at the mantra stuff. I don’t want to inadvertently trip myself up!

Ring of Fire!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Kinda left things on a bit of a cliffhanger last time – my bad! Stripes sorted it – including a posse of pharmacy clients trying to sort out the complete and utter FUBAR that was dealing with the Pharmacy FKAU (they are still useless but in this instance, they came through and I got another four weeks of Ozempic).

However this week I have been suffering the plight of the damned. I don’t know if it was the home-made flapjack made by Grim, Easter eggs in excess or a simple virus, but since Thursday night I have been in hell.

We’re about to get into TMI – you have been warned.

Wednesday night felt like the purge of all things unholy – I cannot believe all of that came out of me, but I put it down to the usual once-weekly emptying out. Unfortunately, this continued throughout the entirety of Wednesday night all the way through to now (early hours of Saturday morning). Ring of fire doesn’t even cover it – I’m pretty sure I created and killed numerous haemorrhoids in the course of these three days. Liquid fire has been coming out of me steadily for nearly three days and I’m not ashamed to say that I was at the point of begging to be put out of my misery. My butt has been in so much pain, my stomach has felt twisted into knots and I have had the belches from hell. Painful, loud and feeling like they’re being punched out of me, I can’t even say that they were sulphur burps which Ozempic is apparently famous for because to me, they didn’t smell.

But they really freaking hurt.

I started on Imodium yesterday and having taken approximately seven doses, things seems to be settling down. Mind you, I thought the same last night and risked half a slice of toast – big mistake, HUGE as it felt like my insides were trying to themselves into pretzels and I was prepared to give absolutely anything for the pain to go away. I slept for over six hours, woke to pee, sip water and take another imodium, then slept for another six hours.

I haven’t risked food as such – I had some dioralyte to replenish fluids (that stuff tastes disgusting) and a cuppa-soup type thing that we had in the cupboard, and that seems to be staying put.

I weighed in this morning and saw 183.7 kg which would take my loss to 24kg or just under 53 lbs, so I should be over the moon. But I’m not because I know that loss isn’t real, and no doubt when I’ve rehydrated and begun eating again, the numbers will shoot back up.

I contemplated not taking my shot today – so much so, that I took it very late this evening. But in the end, I can’t really blame Ozempic for what I’ve been through. It could have been a virus that attacked me, the imodium definitely helped and I haven’t died. Not yet anyway. But I wonder, how much of this is me deciding that I deserve to suffer? Even now online, you can read people saying that taking drugs like Ozempic is the easy way out, that the drugs are just another crutch that fat people are using instead of willpower. And no matter how much I don’t believe that, the words seep into my brain and make me think ‘well if you’d just lost weight the normal way, you wouldn’t be suffering like this’.

We’re at the end of March so I’m going to ask Stripes to take photos of my face (side profile and full on) and once again, not show me the results. And away into April we go. At least I’m no longer as scared to fart as I was earlier in the week – I read far too many stories on Reddit of people shitting themselves, and with the diarrhoea wreaking havoc with my system, it was a genuine fear. Lucky so far and not taking any of it for granted. God, the things we do to lose weight.

As a side note, we never did hear back from Violet (makes me wonder if the message got through to her) and we also haven’t heard anything about the surgery date. Business as usual then – sometimes I feel like I’ve been given these drugs and then just left to my own devices. Ugh, I think I’ll stop here before the self-pity drags me down into it’s pit again.

Out of Stock - or maybe not!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg (hopefully)

Well, it looks like it’s happening – Asda are out of stock of Ozempic, They suggested that we request the surgery reissue the prescription but for the 1 mg and that I adjust the dosage to 0.5 myself. Cue email to the surgery requesting just that and we received a phone call. Apparently, National Guidelines state that if the prescribed dosage is not available, we should wait until it’s been two weeks since the last injection before contacting the surgery again and they will then see what they can do.

I explained that if I did that – waited two weeks from the time of last injection – if they put me up to the 1mg dosage, the side effects would be awful and that after a break, you are meant to start titration from the beginning. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do – they suggested trying to get an appointment to speak to a Diabetes doctor on Monday (cue hysterical laughter as we know how incredibly impossible a feat it is getting a Doctor’s appointment, let alone on a Monday). They also said that what Asda pharmacy suggested – adjusting the dosage myself – had been proven to be ineffective and that was another reason why they couldn’t do what I had requested.

I then called the main appointments line to see if there were any appointments available today (another miracle would be required but it was worth a try) and the woman I spoke to tried to be helpful but basically her hands were tied. She was apologetic and disappointed on my behalf and said it was madness that this was allowed to happen.

Digging around, we found the phone numbers for the Endocrinology department and tried to get hold of Violet. Bear in mind, up until now I’ve never actually had to call Violet – she’s always called me. Well just my luck, she’s not there today so I was put through to her colleague, Karen (I shit you not, what a poor name to have in this day and age) who took my details and said she would ask Violet to call me on Monday.

In the meantime, Stripes got in touch with the ‘pharmacy formerly known as useless’ as in the past, they have let us down with prescriptions and messed us about, which is why we went to Asda in the first place. Shock, horror – they actually have the right dosage in stock! Good news, right? Well, kinda – but then we had to call the surgery back to ask them to ‘release’ the prescription from Asda and put it through to the ‘Pharmacy FKAU’ – initially, the person we spoke to said that they pharmacy didn’t have the correct dosage, but we confirmed that we had just spoken to them and they had said that they did. Anxious waiting, but now the prescription has been sent to the Pharmacy FKAU and we should be able to pick it up in a few hours.

RELIEF. Or slight relief, because let’s be honest – how many times in the past have we thought something is sorted only to find out that somewhere along the line, things have gone FUBAR and we’re back to starting from scratch.

I haven’t been sleeping well – awake til 6 am in the morning with my brain working overtime. Last night was nightmares – I woke up to find that all of the weight I have lost had come back plus some literally overnight. None of my clothes fit, or my shoes and I couldn’t fit through any of the doors in the flat. Yeah, my brain is a fucked up place but we kinda already knew that.

I wouldn’t have got through all of these shenanigans without Stripes – I knew she was just as worried/panicked as I was, but she kept her cool and rang around and if this happens, it is almost 100% because of her.

I will still try to speak to Violet on Monday to see what we should do if this happens again, and I will also try to get in to see the Diabetics team at the surgery – the nearest appointment is on April 25th so that’s so incredibly useful (not). I can’t think of or imagine any other prescribed medication where this situation would be allowed to happen and for the professionals to be able to offer practically zero assistance. I know that we are extremely lucky with the NHS – everywhere else, people are having to pay for this medication out of pocket and it is extremely expensive and just as hard to get hold of. That’s why there’s a booming market in compounded semaglutide where pharmacies (or possibly other shady ass people) are mixing up their own version. But how do you know what you’re taking? The risks and side effects? So, yes, I’m lucky that the NHS prescribes this but this is a life-changing medication for people suffering from diabetes and being morbidly obese – how can this be allowed to happen? How is this right?

I wrote myself a bit of a game-plan in the case of us not being able to get hold of it. I have the Exante shakes in the cupboard and I could try to do that for a few weeks. I don’t like the idea of it for so many reasons, but it would hopefully mean that I don’t regain the weight straight away. When speaking to Stripes, I reminded myself that I am not losing the weight because I am taking Ozempic – Ozempic is the tool that enables me to ignore/not suffer from the hunger and food-noise, so if I just kept eating the way I have been recently, I should be able to maintain if not continue to lose. But the panic and noise in my head was just horrendous, and the thought of starting from scratch again and dealing with those side effects actually made me feel so incredibly low.

I am working on the blanket for the new Great-Nibling and I have an ARC to read, but I think I would also like to try to do some Mantra work this weekend. Head stuff seems to be looming large recently and I want to get on top of it. Especially with things like this happening and not having heard anything at all about my surgery date.

Sabotage of the Self Variety

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.9 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

And into territory that I am well acquainted by – the land of self sabotage. I don’t know if it’s because of the way I took less for two weeks or what, but I haven’t been feeling the effects of the Ozempic anywhere near as strongly. Maybe it needs to build up in my system again or something? Whatever, but simply because I don’t have the galloping trots, the desire to throw up almost constantly or the feeling like there is a boulder sitting on my chest whenever I try to eat something, I haven’t been finding it as difficult to eat/overeat. The food noise is back and apparently, I have fallen right back into the hell that is constantly being hungry and thinking about food.

Not helped by me falling for the ridiculous marketing technique of “buy four for £10” that is Easter eggs from Asda. I don’t even have the excuse of people to buy eggs for – everyone is old enough to buy their own, so why the heck I threw four giant Easter eggs into the shopping basket, I really don’t know. Worse, I’ve already eaten one of them.

Stripes said something to me the other day that has been ricocheting around my empty head – about how I use food to punish myself. Whether it’s eating things that I know are going to make me feel sick, or upset my stomach – when I’m feeling down on myself or a little lost, I tend to eat my emotions and not always in a ‘chow down on everything’ mode. Rather, deciding to have chicken wings even though ever since I started Trulicity, chicken has made me throw up quite violently. Or chocolate, which even before the semaglutide was something that would make going to the bathroom a pretty awful experience.

I visited my Marmee on Sunday for perhaps the first time in six months. She’s been away on holiday and I wanted to take round her Mother’s Day present personally. I wore the bright pink dress I ordered from Simply Be, as well as the shining new white trainers; Stripes did my eyebrows and I felt GOOD - well, as long as I didn’t look at any pictures or mirrors. My Marmee is blunt – if she tells you that you look good, then she’s not bullshitting. Obviously that has another side to it – if she thinks you need to hear the ugly truth about something, she’ll tell you.

She was so happy to see both me and Stripes (and Grim turned up once she’d awoken), so she was pretty much dancing in her seat at having all of us visit her. And she called me to tell me to keep up the good work and that I looked good. I was practically wagging my tail in joy. It is one of the weirdness things of weight loss whereby you want people to notice that you’ve lost weight, compliment you on it, and yet you don’t want people to say anything because – well, it’s about your weight and that is a lava-hot topic for most people.

But then my head got involved and I found myself thinking. What if my Marmee is only saying I look good/like I’ve lost weight because I’ve told her that I’ve been losing weight? And what did she think of how I looked before? And – well, generally imagine a gigantic pot-hole in the middle of the street you’re walking down with neon lights telling you that it’s there and you need to avoid it and thinking, hmm, I wonder what’s down there before jumping in with both feet and then bemoaning the fact that you appear to have fallen? So yeah, my head is still not a healthy place and I find myself doubting everything. Add to which, the scales are not moving (not up or down) and you can imagine what’s been going on in my head. What if it’s stopped working? What if I need the side effects – the explosive bathroom visits, the vomiting, etc in order to lose weight?

Fortunately for me, the wool I ordered has arrived and instead of keeping my hands busy with food, I can crochet the blanket for the great-nibling that is due in October. And I think I need to do a bit more work on that Mantra stuff because my goodness, my head is just such a fucked up place.

Pictures of Me and Momentous Occasion

16/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 188.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The freak out continues. The scales are creeping back up and I am mildly terrified but trying to reason my way out of it. I took my full dose yesterday and oh my goodness, it felt like I emptied out my entire insides. I hadn’t been pooping for most of the week and it seemed like as soon as I took my dose, my body decided it was time to get it all out in one go. To be fair, it was relatively solid and controlled so it’s not like I was suffering, but I was really surprised.

I was disappointed to get onto the scales this morning and see that they had gone up yet again – especially after yesterday. I keep reminding myself to trust the process and that the numbers will go back down again, but yeah, not feeling great.

The great beans obsession continues – on toast, on baked potatoes, in a bowl all by themselves. The beans have a hold on me at the moment – maybe it’s my body craving fibre and protein and this is the best way? Whatever it is, I’m trying to listen to what my body is telling me and following through. We still haven’t heard anything regarding surgery so it looks like it’s definitely not happening in May as there isn’t time to do the liver shrinking diet between now and then.

I finally asked Stripes to take some face shots of me – full frontal and each side. I also asked that she not show them to me so that I couldn’t get all in my feelings about how I looked. She also took a couple of full body shots of me in the new dress I ordered from Simply Be. To be honest, I completely hate the picture – it makes me feel absolutely awful about how I look. No bra, huge arms, fat rolls, immense butt – you get the idea. But, I have decided to post it – with my face blanked out. After all, if I can’t look at how I am now, how am I going to see any changes that happen?

I want to do some more work on the Mantra stuff but I’m not sure about my head-space. Stripes told me that she worked on them on a weekly basis so I guess I’m not being too much of a coward, but I know doing this work will help me in the long run so I need to once again, trust the process. Today is a writing day and I’ve already written just under 2000 words and finished a story, as well as posting a book review so it’s been a success. I think I might look at the proposed collaboration with Rowan next, see if I can do some work on the banner.

Or even maybe go back to a story I didn’t finish last year? But yeah, I need to try to be more positive – things are happening and I need to trust myself and in what I’m doing. After all, what choice do I have?

= = = + = = =

Well, that was an interesting break. The post came, along with the two bras I ordered from Simply Be – a momentous occasion as I tend to wear sports bras or comfort bras that don’t so much fit as just touch my body and pretend to be doing a job. Stripes measured me for the bras a few days ago and oh my God, she is a genius. I was a little wary as the nude one was a front closure, but after struggling to enclose the boobs, I did it up and not only did it fit but it is comfortable! I then tried on the white one which fit even better and I’m more than a little shell-shocked.

I ordered a bright pink midaxi textured dress (similar to a black one I got last year) and tried it on. On anyone else, I would have been cheering – the colour, the fit, the length – absolutely chef’s kiss. I felt amazing and so much like the old me who used to wear bold colours and strut my stuff. So I asked Stripes to take some photos and came crashing back down to earth. The bra is definitely doing it’s job – fits snugly, no visible lines beneath the dress. But the ‘fat’ lump I have on the right side of my lower stomach looked huge, and all I could see was how much I have let myself go.

However, I’ve decided that when we visit Marmee to give her her Mother’s Day present, I am going to wear the pink dress and my new sneakers and wear them with pride. Regardless of how bad I think I look now, these clothes represent an achievement. They’re not the biggest sizes on the shopping sites, they fit me now and should be wearable for a good while as I lose more weight, they are pretty – if I saw it one someone else, I would be smiling so I’m going to grit my teeth and allow myself this one. I’m going to let myself have these nice things and not denigrate myself by going on about how I don’t need clothes because I don’t go out; not focus on how puffy my hands look, or the rolls that are visible.

I look good in that dress and I’m going to own it.

It's not about the beans.....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

I’m having a wibble. The last couple of days I have been eating beans – major craving which was beans on toast on Sunday, and beans with fried eggs yesterday. This morning, the scales have gone up to 187.8. So many thoughts racing through my head, probably not helped by the fact that I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. but the panic has kicked in that Ozempic is no longer working for me. Yesterday I felt like I was starving ALL day but I don’t know if that was actual physical hunger or simply a normal blip in life?

Added to which, I haven’t been suffering from any stomach upsets so I haven’t ‘been’ in a few days. That could be why, right? I’m panicking for nothing. I kinda know I’m panicking for nothing and besides which, my next jab is due on Friday so even if things have petered off, there’s a ‘solution’ coming up in a few days. Yet my mind is going insane.

Part of it is because I ordered myself some Crocs. I saw them on a post on Reddit and fell in love with them. The person wearing them said that they were wide-fitting and I thought ‘well my Crocs are swimming around my feet so maybe I’ve lost enough weight to fit into these’. That was a HUGE nope. I couldn’t get my foot into one of them properly and the squeeze was painful so obviously they had to go back. Then I got my mother’s day present from the girls and although they look gorgeous on (up to the knee chocolate brown boots) the muffin top of fat over the top of them kinda broke my heart. It’s like somehow in my head I’d built this up like I’d lost more weight than I actually have. Or maybe it’s just a distorted view of what I actually look like.

And no, I still haven’t got some photos taken. Yeah, I know I said I would but I didn’t. I was also going to do some of the Mantra work and I didn’t do that either. Jesus, what am I doing with my time? So now I’m sat up in bed, kinda wishing for an upset stomach to ‘clear me out’ which is insane since it’s less than a week where I was bemoaning the side effects and how I spend so much damned time in the bathroom.

I was trying to figure out if I just keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of the week – if I want beans, I’ll have beans and then come Friday see what the injection brings. Like this has anything at all to do with the beans – I know the beans are not responsible for me putting on a kilo, I’m not that stupid. It’s just – sometimes my head is a messed up place. LMAO, sometimes is a misnomer because my head is always a messed up place! Today, I have an ARC to read and review, my order from Simply Be is due (I finally spent my birthday money on a dress, longline maxi cardigan and some zip trainers because reaching down to do laces just isn’t happening), and hopefully the wool I ordered to do the blanket for my new great-nibling to be will arrive and I can do some crochet. I also want to change my bedding, do a food shop and at least look at the Mantra stuff.

10% lost and Happy Mother's Day

10/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to those in the UK – I hope this day brings you love and happiness as well as fond memories. On to the brain-fart stuff.

Well, apparently I was so messed up, I kinda missed a milestone. I was trying to lose my first 10% of my bodyweight, which was 186.93 and I made it at the beginning of March but didn’t notice! So, yeah, I did that!

I’ve re-set the goal, so am now aiming for 168.2 which feels a long way away. The scales have bounced up and down a little since then so the pressure is off (if that makes sense) but it does bring home the fact that the numbers are steadily dropping. I did my injection very early on Friday morning, and once again did approximately half of the dose. I think it’s making a difference to the side effects – I made it through my entire tattoo session without needing the bathroom or gassing the place, so I’m considering that a win.

Friday was a day of what feels like excess which is why I want to try to look at what happened (apart from not taking my injection the day before). Book_grim was here so we had a McDonald’s breakfast together. I had a mega McMuffin meal with a pineapple stick and hot chocolate. It was very tasty but I didn’t finish the pineapple stick so that’s waiting in the fridge for me. Then I had home-made chowder and bread for dinner with a crunchy ice cream bar for dessert. I don’t think I was out of control – I didn’t hoover the McMuffin down and enjoyed the taste of it, and once I realised that I wasn’t enjoying the pineapple stick as much, I stopped eating it and put it into the fridge, Is that too much to eat? I mean, not a good idea to eat it every single day, but is that a lot? I don’t think I massively overate, especially pulling it back and having the soup and bread for dinner. I think I did okay.

Stripes made the soup and it was lovely – thick, filling, tasty, with nice chunks of fish and prawns. It wasn’t heavy at all and I didn’t feel bloated after eating it. I think I also had a few maoms, which admittedly when I had three in one go, I felt the sugar rush. So I need to temper how much of those I eat – they are too easy to eat without thinking about it and then I feel like crap. But other than that, I think I did okay. I keep saying that like I’m trying to convince myself of it and maybe I am.

Stripes let me have the first chapter of the Mantra worksheets but I’m a little bit stuck. First of all, I didn’t really have the energy to get into it, especially when I saw that one of the first things I need to do is ‘name’ my eating disorder so that I can talk about how it makes me feel, etc. Is it laughable that the first name I thought of was Charlie? I mean, how exactly does the name Charlie match something I’ve been fighting for the last three decades? It hardly sounds menacing does it?

I seem to keep waking up around 5 am and not being able to get back to sleep. Which means I’m a dozy mare during the day which is less than ideal. However, this morning I wrote a chapter of my ongoing fic that should have been finished last October as well as did a couple of banners so it wasn’t a waste of time. I need to do some reading as I have an ARC that is due for review pretty soon, but the plan is to have a peaceful, relaxed day reading, playing video games and just chilling. I have a hankering for cheesy beans on toast which apparently may be my Mother’s Day Meal (yay) and strikes me as quite a decent craving to have. Of course, I was putting stuff into the trolley for a food shop and all I could see were masses and masses of Easter eggs. That’s going to be an interesting one to get through – sugar rushes have been absolutely awful whilst on Ozempic, making me feel sick and dizzy – so I know I need to show some restraint when it comes to Easter and all the chocolate.

Hopefully the Ozempic will help me handle that – as well as doing the work with the Mantra stuff. Which I need to stop putting off and just get my head down and do it. I don’t have any appointments this week so I have decided that working on Mantra is going to be a priority, as well as finally taking some freaking photos so that I can see my progress. I really want to do it, even if I have to ask Stripes to hide them from me because I hate photographs of me so damned much!

It's Me, Hi - I'm the Problem, It's Me

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.9 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I’m a mess.

I had my pre-op assessment with the anaethetist yesterday and generally speaking, it went well. The journey wasn’t too awful – probably because the appointment was at 11 a.m. so we missed peak traffic times. I had height and weight measurements taken and was pleased that even wearing my boots I weighed less than a kilo more than my scales at home say. Which reassures me that they are correct and that I am on the right track. (Imagine if I was naked on them what I would weigh!)

Swabs in nose and groin (didn’t expect the second one) plus an ECG, bloods and blood pressure and we waited to meet the anaethetist. The nurse who did all of this asked if I had received my surgery date yet and I had to say no. We were asked about this three times all in all, with each person being surprised that we didn’t have that information yet.

The anaethetist was a nice guy, very clear in what he was explaining. He was impressed with my weight loss since I spoke to the surgeon and asked me questions about Ozempic with an open mind which I appreciated. He checked my blood sugars through my patient record at the surgery as apparently none of them had copied over to the hospital database, which was a little concerning, but he was more than happy with the results he got to look at. He asked if we had any questions, explained what medications I would have to stop before the surgery, how pain relief worked afterwards and everything – he was very efficient and friendly. So all systems go on that side.

I can’t help but feel that the reason we haven’t received my surgery date is that it is out of the scope of Violet’s influence. I know she has been pushing things for me which is why these appointments took place, but the fact that everyone seemed to think I should have received my surgery date by now was disconcerting and worrying. But again, nothing I can do about that but keep on doing what I’m doing – any weight I can lose between now and when I hear that date can only be for the good.

So why am I all the way fucked up? I had nightmares on Sunday night about Monday and no matter how much I told myself that it was just a meeting with some basic tests being undertaken, it plagued my dreams. Yesterday evening I went to sleep earlyish (for me) and proceeded to have literal fighting, screaming nightmares. Existential bullshit nightmares about wrong decisions I have made in my life and how it affects the people I care about. Fears about the surgery and how, with my luck, something may go wrong. Like, death or even worse (perhaps) something going awry and me being alive but unable to do anything for myself and becoming more of a burden than I already am. It was rough and I feel like such a dick because Stripes is the one who had to talk me down from the terrors and listen to me spewing out all of my fears and negativity when she has so much of her own stuff to deal with.

I feel like shit but I can’t seem to shake the darkness that is swallowing me up. It’s like a non-stop reel of negativity in my head and every single time I close my eyes, all I can see is all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt, the people who have hurt me. And I need it to stop because its driving me absolutely insane.

I thought I had learned a little about not eating my feelings but yesterday I ordered pizza, with doughballs and cookies from Domino’s. Even though I know what a bad decision it is whilst on Ozempic. Admittedly, I ate half of my pizza, about four doughballs and a cookie and that was pretty much all that I did eat. But how can I have learned nothing about what food like that does to me? About why I turn to food like that? How can I even contemplate weight loss surgery when something that went well sends me diving for the uber eats app and stuffing my face?

I ended up not going back to sleep because I couldn’t face the nightmares so here I am, on about four hours sleep, feeling like shit and wishing I could shut my brain down. Just for a little while. I know that half a pizza, doughballs and a cookie aren’t that bad – not that any food should be considered bad in and of itself – but I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t stop myself from doing what I usually do. And I wish it wasn’t affecting Stripes – it’s so not fair when she’s putting in the work to handle her own shit and having to shoulder mine as well.

I’ve booked myself in for my birthday tattoo this Thursday and paid the full amount so no matter how I’m feeling mentally, I have to go – I can’t afford to lose that money. And having written all of this down and done a book review, I’m going to try to get my head down. I’ve asked Stripes if I can look at the Mantra worksheets she has been using from her eating disorder meetings to see if they can help me. I know that they are difficult as they make you face things you may not be ready to face, but I need to put in the work so that when the surgery date does arrive, I am as ready and prepared as I can be.

And I admitted to myself that I haven’t been vaping my medicinal cannabis because I didn’t want to smell of weed and have the people at the hospital judge me for it. It’s stupid – it’s prescribed medicine, it helps me sleep and handle the pain in my knees, etc but I judged myself and doubted what I was doing and whether I should be doing it, and for the last week I haven’t used it at all. And maybe that has something to do with the night terrors/nightmares, especially how vivid they have been – I think I read somewhere that very lucid dreams can be a side-effect of coming off of cannabis so might need to do a little research into that. But it’s ridiculous and I need to get a grip.

Into March 2024 - 20kg down

02/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.7 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The first chunk of this is how I was feeling on Wednesday night.

I’ve delayed my Ozempic shot and I’m not sure why. I mean, I’ve been having a miserable time with the galloping trots for over a week, but I was pretty positive that I could ride out the side effects. Also, this flu/cold thing just won’t go away – this evening, my throat feels raw, my glands are up and I feel freaking awful. But I was managing all of that.

What if this is me sabotaging myself, making excuses to come off of the Ozempic because it’s working and that’s fucking scary. I briefly saw 186 kgs on the scales the other day (although they ultimately settled at 188) and I really haven’t seen that number for well over five years. Part of a double chin has gone (this is when photos would have been really helpful) and my jawline is slightly more defined. Hardly Ozempic face but I can see it. Sometimes.

So I think I need to make sure that I take my shot tomorrow morning and not let this continue. Strange to think with all of the freedom to eat whatever I wanted, I had soup and sourdough bread. Admittedly, I did have two more slices of bread with lemon curd/ginger preserve, but I didn’t have breakfast so even with the extra bread, I didn’t go overboard.

I wish I could go back to Trulicity. I really felt more in control when I was on it. I seemed to have figured out the side effects and was settled with what I was eating. I guess partly superstition as it was working for me so why change it and disliking change in general. That being said, this is my fifth Ozempic injection (once I take it) so that should mean it’s nearly a habit. I remember reading somewhere that it takes six weeks to establish a pattern/habit in which case, shouldn’t it be easier by now?

I still struggle to figure out if I am truly hungry or if it’s thirst. Example, this evening at bedtime, my stomach was cramping and grumbling. I can’t tell if it’s hunger or just the rumblings of IBS and/or Ozempic. Why can’t I read the simple cues my body is giving me?

Okay, I think I need to get some photos of at least my face so I can do comparisons when I start to lose faith that this is working and differences can be seen. So maybe tomorrow I’ll ask Stripes to take some photos but not show me. And then do it again at the end of March.

Apart from the appointment with the anaesthetist on Monday, I have no real clue what happens next, so injection and ride out the side effects. A day at a time.

+ + + X + + +

I did take my injection but I think I fucked up. I’ve been reading about people not taking the full 0.5 mg and I decided to give that a go. I’m not sure how much I did take – possibly half, maybe a little more and I did the injection in the back of my arm like I have been doing. Since then, I’ve been feeling nauseous, feeling like my mouth is full of water and just not right. I haven’t had a repeat of the upset stomach (yet) and I feel maybe hungrier but that might all be in my head.

What am I saying, most of this is in my head. I feel like a complete basket case. Monday is looming large as I am meeting the anaesthetist at Solihull Hospital and everything becomes terrifying real once again.

I half decided that I should be treating myself to something to celebrate my weight loss but I am at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t really want to buy clothes – like, where the hell do I go? Nail varnish maybe? Heck, I’m so freaking lost at the moment it’s not funny.

I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep going. All I can do really. Next Thursday is my shot day now and I think I will do another ‘half’ and see how it goes. The scales are still going down – I should be celebrating madly as I have officially lost 20 kg and although I haven’t lost 10% of my body weight yet, I am pretty damn close. But I can’t see it or feel it so I feel like a fraud celebrating it. I read the semaglutide subreddits with these people dropping over 100lbs in less than a year and can’t imagine being in that position.

But I have lost 44.09 lbs – not a small achievement. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I be happy about it? How far do I have to come before it starts being visible?

Photos. I need to take photos.