April Head Stuff

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Another week over and where am I? Well, Wednesday and Thursday I had what I guess I could see as my weekly ‘emptying’? It was bad but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been the previous week. My weight has ‘settled’ at around 183, so hopefully next week I’ll be moving into new territory – it’s been well over a decade since I’ve since anything lower than 183 so that would be momentous.

There was a post on Reddit that caught my attention – someone was asking about people who were super morbidly obese and how they were doing. It struck me, like it has in the past, that a lot of people taking semaglutide are trying to lose weight from a position that is almost alien for me – their start weight is somewhere I would absolutely love to be at – 250lbs etc. It can be hard reading how they describe themselves knowing that I weigh so much more than they do at their highest – is that how they view people like me? Do they judge me harshly for letting things get this far or am I projecting because I know that I judge myself. It surprised me how many people responded in the thread but many of them expressed the same feelings as me – they’re taking the meds, dealing with the side effects and just hoping the weight comes off. They don’t generally speak or share because they don’t think people will understand the struggle they face and/or they don’t want to be judged for where they are in their journey.

I did some mantra work and it upset me – as usual. It was writing to my eating disorder as a friend and what it has done for me over the years. It talked about feeling invisible, how being fat protected me in some way, in how I’ve hidden myself away in my weight and let it lock me into a comfort zone that also isolates me. Difficult stuff, possibly made more difficult by the fact that I don’t have a counsellor to talk this stuff over with. I want to persevere because I think it all helps in the weight loss journey – however long it takes to get a surgery date, I am committed to losing this weight and that means facing the things that helped me reach this stage and stay here. Hard to face though. And then I had to write to my eating disorder as an enemy – that was actually harder because it kept feeling like I was praising it for what it was doing for me – being fat protects me from the idea of relationships because who would want to be with me looking the way that I do?

I think I’ve internalised the idea that I have shit taste in partners because I’ve been told it – jokingly – so often. Two broken marriages, no long term relationship – no short term relationship in sight. Not even sure I would want one – the issues that always affect relationships, the changes that would have to be made – I’m in no way shape or form ready to face any of that, and being fat/chronically disabled means that I don’t have to. Weird to think that part of my brain might want to keep me the way that I am in order to protect myself.

Today is my writing day and I’ve already done 2000 words on the fic I’m writing with Rowan. It’s fun although I know we’ve only just started. I want to write a bit on Twisted Bonds and then maybe see if there are any books I want to read. I’ve done all of my ARCs and reviews that are due, so now it’s reading for ‘fun’.