End of March and into Spring

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.1 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Firstly, how the heck have I got ezcema on my eyelids? It is so freaking irritating – I constantly want to be raking at them, which of course makes it worse. I’ve tried eye ointment with no success apart from making my eyes feel greasy. I’ve checked the internet (much easier than trying to get a dr’s appointment) and apparently I can use my hydrocortistone cream 1% or vaseline safely on my eyelids so from tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Shocked to see that the scales have maintained their downward trend – I really thought seeing 183 was a flash in the pan. I should be pleased but instead I’m just kinda confused. I can’t see any real changes. Both Stripes and Grim have told me they can see it in my face, particularly around my jawline, but I just can’t see it.

So, yep hold your breath – here are two photographs of my face side by side.

I never realised how careful I was to not keep any photographs of my face until I tried to find one that I could do a decent side-by-side comparison collage. I finally found one from when I started back in November ‘23 because you could see my whole face, complete with extra chins, etc whereas the latest photos are either upside down (I discovered that taking a photo upside down gave me a very sharp jawline and some cheekbones!), or slanted to such a degree that you can’t see my whole face. Apparently I’m a master of hiding from the camera even whilst taking photos!

I think I can see the difference – I’m pretty sure I can see the difference – but then again, maybe that’s because I’m searching desperately for some visible changes? I know it’s going to take a long, long while before I will see a difference in my body, despite it being over 50 lbs down. But I guess I kinda hoped to see more in my face? I dunno – maybe I’m expecting too much.

Either way, this is the last day of March which means I’ve been doing this whole semaglutide thing for just under six months. It’s definitely working, even if sometimes it feels like I’m only losing weight because I’m pooping it out. I was chatting to a friend and asking if I’ve become one of those evangelical people who have ‘seen the light’ and go on and on about how I am losing weight and she said, yeah, just a little. So I need to be more careful about that because I know just as well as any other fat person that until you’re ready, it doesn’t matter who’s preaching to you about what’s working, it won’t make a blind bit of difference.

I’ve kept down two slices of toast and a small frozen fish pie and am feeling pretty darn perky considering it’s 7 a.m. in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I will definitely be catching a major nap today as Stripes is going out for coffee so I don’t have to feel guilty for being a slug-a-bed and not keeping her company. Actually, I’ve just realised the clocks went forward so to my body, it’s only 6 a.m. so that might explain the perkiness!

I finished yet another one of the ARCs in my TBR pile and have three/four left to read but I am ahead of schedule so have caught up from being ill. I had a shower, did a foot pack, moisturised the bits I could easily find – yep, I think I’m heading into Spring doing relatively the best that I can.

Should I be setting a mini goal for April? I want to lose the next 10% which would take me down to 168 kg, but should there be an interim mini goal? I could aim for 60lbs off I suppose, which would be 27.2 kg – am I aiming too low? Should I say I want to lose 5 kgs in April or just see where things go. I think I’ll revisit this when it’s not ass-o’clock in the morning. And possibly after I’ve had another look at the mantra stuff. I don’t want to inadvertently trip myself up!

Pictures of Me and Momentous Occasion

16/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 188.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The freak out continues. The scales are creeping back up and I am mildly terrified but trying to reason my way out of it. I took my full dose yesterday and oh my goodness, it felt like I emptied out my entire insides. I hadn’t been pooping for most of the week and it seemed like as soon as I took my dose, my body decided it was time to get it all out in one go. To be fair, it was relatively solid and controlled so it’s not like I was suffering, but I was really surprised.

I was disappointed to get onto the scales this morning and see that they had gone up yet again – especially after yesterday. I keep reminding myself to trust the process and that the numbers will go back down again, but yeah, not feeling great.

The great beans obsession continues – on toast, on baked potatoes, in a bowl all by themselves. The beans have a hold on me at the moment – maybe it’s my body craving fibre and protein and this is the best way? Whatever it is, I’m trying to listen to what my body is telling me and following through. We still haven’t heard anything regarding surgery so it looks like it’s definitely not happening in May as there isn’t time to do the liver shrinking diet between now and then.

I finally asked Stripes to take some face shots of me – full frontal and each side. I also asked that she not show them to me so that I couldn’t get all in my feelings about how I looked. She also took a couple of full body shots of me in the new dress I ordered from Simply Be. To be honest, I completely hate the picture – it makes me feel absolutely awful about how I look. No bra, huge arms, fat rolls, immense butt – you get the idea. But, I have decided to post it – with my face blanked out. After all, if I can’t look at how I am now, how am I going to see any changes that happen?

I want to do some more work on the Mantra stuff but I’m not sure about my head-space. Stripes told me that she worked on them on a weekly basis so I guess I’m not being too much of a coward, but I know doing this work will help me in the long run so I need to once again, trust the process. Today is a writing day and I’ve already written just under 2000 words and finished a story, as well as posting a book review so it’s been a success. I think I might look at the proposed collaboration with Rowan next, see if I can do some work on the banner.

Or even maybe go back to a story I didn’t finish last year? But yeah, I need to try to be more positive – things are happening and I need to trust myself and in what I’m doing. After all, what choice do I have?

= = = + = = =

Well, that was an interesting break. The post came, along with the two bras I ordered from Simply Be – a momentous occasion as I tend to wear sports bras or comfort bras that don’t so much fit as just touch my body and pretend to be doing a job. Stripes measured me for the bras a few days ago and oh my God, she is a genius. I was a little wary as the nude one was a front closure, but after struggling to enclose the boobs, I did it up and not only did it fit but it is comfortable! I then tried on the white one which fit even better and I’m more than a little shell-shocked.

I ordered a bright pink midaxi textured dress (similar to a black one I got last year) and tried it on. On anyone else, I would have been cheering – the colour, the fit, the length – absolutely chef’s kiss. I felt amazing and so much like the old me who used to wear bold colours and strut my stuff. So I asked Stripes to take some photos and came crashing back down to earth. The bra is definitely doing it’s job – fits snugly, no visible lines beneath the dress. But the ‘fat’ lump I have on the right side of my lower stomach looked huge, and all I could see was how much I have let myself go.

However, I’ve decided that when we visit Marmee to give her her Mother’s Day present, I am going to wear the pink dress and my new sneakers and wear them with pride. Regardless of how bad I think I look now, these clothes represent an achievement. They’re not the biggest sizes on the shopping sites, they fit me now and should be wearable for a good while as I lose more weight, they are pretty – if I saw it one someone else, I would be smiling so I’m going to grit my teeth and allow myself this one. I’m going to let myself have these nice things and not denigrate myself by going on about how I don’t need clothes because I don’t go out; not focus on how puffy my hands look, or the rolls that are visible.

I look good in that dress and I’m going to own it.

It's not about the beans.....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

I’m having a wibble. The last couple of days I have been eating beans – major craving which was beans on toast on Sunday, and beans with fried eggs yesterday. This morning, the scales have gone up to 187.8. So many thoughts racing through my head, probably not helped by the fact that I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. but the panic has kicked in that Ozempic is no longer working for me. Yesterday I felt like I was starving ALL day but I don’t know if that was actual physical hunger or simply a normal blip in life?

Added to which, I haven’t been suffering from any stomach upsets so I haven’t ‘been’ in a few days. That could be why, right? I’m panicking for nothing. I kinda know I’m panicking for nothing and besides which, my next jab is due on Friday so even if things have petered off, there’s a ‘solution’ coming up in a few days. Yet my mind is going insane.

Part of it is because I ordered myself some Crocs. I saw them on a post on Reddit and fell in love with them. The person wearing them said that they were wide-fitting and I thought ‘well my Crocs are swimming around my feet so maybe I’ve lost enough weight to fit into these’. That was a HUGE nope. I couldn’t get my foot into one of them properly and the squeeze was painful so obviously they had to go back. Then I got my mother’s day present from the girls and although they look gorgeous on (up to the knee chocolate brown boots) the muffin top of fat over the top of them kinda broke my heart. It’s like somehow in my head I’d built this up like I’d lost more weight than I actually have. Or maybe it’s just a distorted view of what I actually look like.

And no, I still haven’t got some photos taken. Yeah, I know I said I would but I didn’t. I was also going to do some of the Mantra work and I didn’t do that either. Jesus, what am I doing with my time? So now I’m sat up in bed, kinda wishing for an upset stomach to ‘clear me out’ which is insane since it’s less than a week where I was bemoaning the side effects and how I spend so much damned time in the bathroom.

I was trying to figure out if I just keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of the week – if I want beans, I’ll have beans and then come Friday see what the injection brings. Like this has anything at all to do with the beans – I know the beans are not responsible for me putting on a kilo, I’m not that stupid. It’s just – sometimes my head is a messed up place. LMAO, sometimes is a misnomer because my head is always a messed up place! Today, I have an ARC to read and review, my order from Simply Be is due (I finally spent my birthday money on a dress, longline maxi cardigan and some zip trainers because reaching down to do laces just isn’t happening), and hopefully the wool I ordered to do the blanket for my new great-nibling to be will arrive and I can do some crochet. I also want to change my bedding, do a food shop and at least look at the Mantra stuff.