Pictures of Me and Momentous Occasion

16/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 188.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The freak out continues. The scales are creeping back up and I am mildly terrified but trying to reason my way out of it. I took my full dose yesterday and oh my goodness, it felt like I emptied out my entire insides. I hadn’t been pooping for most of the week and it seemed like as soon as I took my dose, my body decided it was time to get it all out in one go. To be fair, it was relatively solid and controlled so it’s not like I was suffering, but I was really surprised.

I was disappointed to get onto the scales this morning and see that they had gone up yet again – especially after yesterday. I keep reminding myself to trust the process and that the numbers will go back down again, but yeah, not feeling great.

The great beans obsession continues – on toast, on baked potatoes, in a bowl all by themselves. The beans have a hold on me at the moment – maybe it’s my body craving fibre and protein and this is the best way? Whatever it is, I’m trying to listen to what my body is telling me and following through. We still haven’t heard anything regarding surgery so it looks like it’s definitely not happening in May as there isn’t time to do the liver shrinking diet between now and then.

I finally asked Stripes to take some face shots of me – full frontal and each side. I also asked that she not show them to me so that I couldn’t get all in my feelings about how I looked. She also took a couple of full body shots of me in the new dress I ordered from Simply Be. To be honest, I completely hate the picture – it makes me feel absolutely awful about how I look. No bra, huge arms, fat rolls, immense butt – you get the idea. But, I have decided to post it – with my face blanked out. After all, if I can’t look at how I am now, how am I going to see any changes that happen?

I want to do some more work on the Mantra stuff but I’m not sure about my head-space. Stripes told me that she worked on them on a weekly basis so I guess I’m not being too much of a coward, but I know doing this work will help me in the long run so I need to once again, trust the process. Today is a writing day and I’ve already written just under 2000 words and finished a story, as well as posting a book review so it’s been a success. I think I might look at the proposed collaboration with Rowan next, see if I can do some work on the banner.

Or even maybe go back to a story I didn’t finish last year? But yeah, I need to try to be more positive – things are happening and I need to trust myself and in what I’m doing. After all, what choice do I have?

= = = + = = =

Well, that was an interesting break. The post came, along with the two bras I ordered from Simply Be – a momentous occasion as I tend to wear sports bras or comfort bras that don’t so much fit as just touch my body and pretend to be doing a job. Stripes measured me for the bras a few days ago and oh my God, she is a genius. I was a little wary as the nude one was a front closure, but after struggling to enclose the boobs, I did it up and not only did it fit but it is comfortable! I then tried on the white one which fit even better and I’m more than a little shell-shocked.

I ordered a bright pink midaxi textured dress (similar to a black one I got last year) and tried it on. On anyone else, I would have been cheering – the colour, the fit, the length – absolutely chef’s kiss. I felt amazing and so much like the old me who used to wear bold colours and strut my stuff. So I asked Stripes to take some photos and came crashing back down to earth. The bra is definitely doing it’s job – fits snugly, no visible lines beneath the dress. But the ‘fat’ lump I have on the right side of my lower stomach looked huge, and all I could see was how much I have let myself go.

However, I’ve decided that when we visit Marmee to give her her Mother’s Day present, I am going to wear the pink dress and my new sneakers and wear them with pride. Regardless of how bad I think I look now, these clothes represent an achievement. They’re not the biggest sizes on the shopping sites, they fit me now and should be wearable for a good while as I lose more weight, they are pretty – if I saw it one someone else, I would be smiling so I’m going to grit my teeth and allow myself this one. I’m going to let myself have these nice things and not denigrate myself by going on about how I don’t need clothes because I don’t go out; not focus on how puffy my hands look, or the rolls that are visible.

I look good in that dress and I’m going to own it.

It's not about the beans.....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

I’m having a wibble. The last couple of days I have been eating beans – major craving which was beans on toast on Sunday, and beans with fried eggs yesterday. This morning, the scales have gone up to 187.8. So many thoughts racing through my head, probably not helped by the fact that I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. but the panic has kicked in that Ozempic is no longer working for me. Yesterday I felt like I was starving ALL day but I don’t know if that was actual physical hunger or simply a normal blip in life?

Added to which, I haven’t been suffering from any stomach upsets so I haven’t ‘been’ in a few days. That could be why, right? I’m panicking for nothing. I kinda know I’m panicking for nothing and besides which, my next jab is due on Friday so even if things have petered off, there’s a ‘solution’ coming up in a few days. Yet my mind is going insane.

Part of it is because I ordered myself some Crocs. I saw them on a post on Reddit and fell in love with them. The person wearing them said that they were wide-fitting and I thought ‘well my Crocs are swimming around my feet so maybe I’ve lost enough weight to fit into these’. That was a HUGE nope. I couldn’t get my foot into one of them properly and the squeeze was painful so obviously they had to go back. Then I got my mother’s day present from the girls and although they look gorgeous on (up to the knee chocolate brown boots) the muffin top of fat over the top of them kinda broke my heart. It’s like somehow in my head I’d built this up like I’d lost more weight than I actually have. Or maybe it’s just a distorted view of what I actually look like.

And no, I still haven’t got some photos taken. Yeah, I know I said I would but I didn’t. I was also going to do some of the Mantra work and I didn’t do that either. Jesus, what am I doing with my time? So now I’m sat up in bed, kinda wishing for an upset stomach to ‘clear me out’ which is insane since it’s less than a week where I was bemoaning the side effects and how I spend so much damned time in the bathroom.

I was trying to figure out if I just keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of the week – if I want beans, I’ll have beans and then come Friday see what the injection brings. Like this has anything at all to do with the beans – I know the beans are not responsible for me putting on a kilo, I’m not that stupid. It’s just – sometimes my head is a messed up place. LMAO, sometimes is a misnomer because my head is always a messed up place! Today, I have an ARC to read and review, my order from Simply Be is due (I finally spent my birthday money on a dress, longline maxi cardigan and some zip trainers because reaching down to do laces just isn’t happening), and hopefully the wool I ordered to do the blanket for my new great-nibling to be will arrive and I can do some crochet. I also want to change my bedding, do a food shop and at least look at the Mantra stuff.