UnFuck My Habitat and into September!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 174.3 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Officially end of the month and it looks like an overall loss of 2.10 kgs, which brings me to 33.3 kgs lost since I started. I know I should be pleased with that – the chart below (as long as it works) shows that I am consistently losing. I guess I just want to lose faster maybe?

Friday and Stripes asked me what I wanted to eat. I think I am either self-sabotaging or trying to punish myself/kick off my IBS because not only did I decide to have a MacDonalds meal, I had a strawberry milkshake and a Mcflurry. The stupidity of it blows my mind even now, but I just wanted them. And I know I’m going to suffer – me and lactose are not friends at the best of times, but a milkshake on top of a Mcflurry is just insanity – but I ate it all. Maybe I was hoping for a clear out? I find my brain so confusing – I kinda enjoyed the food and definitely noticed I was eating slower. It was the only food I ate that day (apart from the weed-required Doritos) so I don’t think I went over any calorific goals I might have had. But the damage of having to hit the bathroom – which I know is coming because I took my jab this morning – makes me wonder if I’m just a masochistic twat.

I want to try to unfuck my habitat. I found a subreddit where people encourage you to clean up your living area, post pictures and ideas. I’ve already ordered the sofa but have also ordered a shoe rack to go into the cat-room. The idea is that myself and Stripes can put our shoes away in there, clearing some way in our own rooms and making good use of the space. Gidget has her own shoe rack – we were going to repurpose hers because she said she wasn’t using most of it but then we had a look and she was way more shoes than she realised and is pretty much using the whole thing!

Over the weekend, I want to go through my wicker basket of underwear and pyjamas, get rid of anything ratty and/or old, and Marie Kondo what’s left so it’s easy to see what I have. It should also make it easier for putting away clothes when the washing is done. It shouldn’t be a huge task, and I’ve already decided I can put one of my fleece blankets on top of it to keep it clean/finish off the look.

I need to ask Stripes to take face photos tomorrow, marking the first of the month. I asked Lophy when she came to visit if she could see any difference in me. I guess I was hoping for an over-enthused hell yeah, but she was honest and said she could see it in my face. That’s good – it means it’s working. But I was disappointed. I was hoping someone who doesn’t see me that often would say they could see something more than just a change in my face. I guess that’s difficult because I wear the same clothes, am sitting in bed – how do you see a difference in someone if you can’t see most of them? I need to learn to manage my expectations and also look for what difference I can see – after all, I’m the only person with me 24/7 so I need to become comfortable within myself instead of looking for external validation. Hark at me sounding so mature and balanced!

September then.

⟫ Clean my bedroom, including the floor and under the bed;

⟫ new face photos;

⟫ Mantra work;

⟫ look into seated workouts on YouTube;

⟫ get this report to the police with Gidget;

⟫ start saving for Christmas;

⟫ declutter my clothes rail.

And work on my gratitude – there are so many people who don’t have Ozempic to help them, so many people struggling the way I was struggling and I feel like I’m being ungrateful for what I have achieved and the fact that I can keep going. I have the side effects mainly under control – very little in the way of constipation throughout August – I just need to keep seeing the bigger picture and remind myself once again that’s it a marathon not a sprint.

There’s a reason why I keep writing ‘1 kilo at a time’.

the self-sabotage is strong in this one

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.9 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The self sabotage is strong in this one.

Last night instead of going to sleep, I decided to listen to the inner voice that told me I could just grab a packet of crisps from the pantry. I even knew I was bullshitting myself because I didn’t take my phone with me, which was absolutely stupid because if I’d fallen or something no-one would have heard me or been able to help.

Once I was in the pantry, I grabbed: a packet of crisps, some mini biscuits and the half empty packet of nuts. Nuts and I have a chequered past. I love them – like obsessively – but they rip up my insides, and on their way out, tend to do a lot of damage. So this complete and utter idiot proceeds to eat all of the leftover nuts. Like, my mouth was feeling arid because of the salt, I was feeling sick whilst doing it, my teeth were hurting with little bits of nut getting stuck, yet I kept going until I’d eaten them all.

Why? I had a good day eating-wise. To be fair, even after all of those snacks I didn’t have a bad eating day. But what I chose to eat, when I chose to eat it and why are the ‘bad’ things. I don’t know if I was trying to precipitate a crisis, make myself sick, bring on the side effects, I just don’t know.

I’ve woken up on Sunday, the last day in June, knowing that I ended the month on a gain (about 0.3 kgs) – who the hell knows what I could have seen if it wasn’t for my middle of the night mini-binge. It literally feels like I needed to drag myself into July feeling crap about myself.

After unloading on Stripes (I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes), I asked for the last set of Mantra paperwork she had so that I can try to unravel why I did what I did. I’m going to update all of my writing numbers at 1 million words, then settle down and try to do a little bit of the Mantra work. I also want to get some reading done. I believe the Jaycey is coming back from work with Gidget later (she has a long shift at the club/pub where she works but should be home around 11 pm unless they stay for drinks. Stripes has stuff she wants to get done.

I did a good thing – Munch had a huge clump of matted fur around her neck and I managed to work through it so we didn’t have to cut it out. It has left a bit of a bald patch and we need to keep an eye on it, but I feel good that we caught it and were able to get rid of it for her without too much suffering/anguish. She didn’t exactly thank us for it – I have some micro scratches over my arms and hands – but we did get a tail floof of thanks before she ran away to hide from the evil humans that massacred her beautiful fur.

So, yeah, not the best start to the day and time for some self-reflection.

Ring of Fire!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Kinda left things on a bit of a cliffhanger last time – my bad! Stripes sorted it – including a posse of pharmacy clients trying to sort out the complete and utter FUBAR that was dealing with the Pharmacy FKAU (they are still useless but in this instance, they came through and I got another four weeks of Ozempic).

However this week I have been suffering the plight of the damned. I don’t know if it was the home-made flapjack made by Grim, Easter eggs in excess or a simple virus, but since Thursday night I have been in hell.

We’re about to get into TMI – you have been warned.

Wednesday night felt like the purge of all things unholy – I cannot believe all of that came out of me, but I put it down to the usual once-weekly emptying out. Unfortunately, this continued throughout the entirety of Wednesday night all the way through to now (early hours of Saturday morning). Ring of fire doesn’t even cover it – I’m pretty sure I created and killed numerous haemorrhoids in the course of these three days. Liquid fire has been coming out of me steadily for nearly three days and I’m not ashamed to say that I was at the point of begging to be put out of my misery. My butt has been in so much pain, my stomach has felt twisted into knots and I have had the belches from hell. Painful, loud and feeling like they’re being punched out of me, I can’t even say that they were sulphur burps which Ozempic is apparently famous for because to me, they didn’t smell.

But they really freaking hurt.

I started on Imodium yesterday and having taken approximately seven doses, things seems to be settling down. Mind you, I thought the same last night and risked half a slice of toast – big mistake, HUGE as it felt like my insides were trying to themselves into pretzels and I was prepared to give absolutely anything for the pain to go away. I slept for over six hours, woke to pee, sip water and take another imodium, then slept for another six hours.

I haven’t risked food as such – I had some dioralyte to replenish fluids (that stuff tastes disgusting) and a cuppa-soup type thing that we had in the cupboard, and that seems to be staying put.

I weighed in this morning and saw 183.7 kg which would take my loss to 24kg or just under 53 lbs, so I should be over the moon. But I’m not because I know that loss isn’t real, and no doubt when I’ve rehydrated and begun eating again, the numbers will shoot back up.

I contemplated not taking my shot today – so much so, that I took it very late this evening. But in the end, I can’t really blame Ozempic for what I’ve been through. It could have been a virus that attacked me, the imodium definitely helped and I haven’t died. Not yet anyway. But I wonder, how much of this is me deciding that I deserve to suffer? Even now online, you can read people saying that taking drugs like Ozempic is the easy way out, that the drugs are just another crutch that fat people are using instead of willpower. And no matter how much I don’t believe that, the words seep into my brain and make me think ‘well if you’d just lost weight the normal way, you wouldn’t be suffering like this’.

We’re at the end of March so I’m going to ask Stripes to take photos of my face (side profile and full on) and once again, not show me the results. And away into April we go. At least I’m no longer as scared to fart as I was earlier in the week – I read far too many stories on Reddit of people shitting themselves, and with the diarrhoea wreaking havoc with my system, it was a genuine fear. Lucky so far and not taking any of it for granted. God, the things we do to lose weight.

As a side note, we never did hear back from Violet (makes me wonder if the message got through to her) and we also haven’t heard anything about the surgery date. Business as usual then – sometimes I feel like I’ve been given these drugs and then just left to my own devices. Ugh, I think I’ll stop here before the self-pity drags me down into it’s pit again.

Sabotage of the Self Variety

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.9 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

And into territory that I am well acquainted by – the land of self sabotage. I don’t know if it’s because of the way I took less for two weeks or what, but I haven’t been feeling the effects of the Ozempic anywhere near as strongly. Maybe it needs to build up in my system again or something? Whatever, but simply because I don’t have the galloping trots, the desire to throw up almost constantly or the feeling like there is a boulder sitting on my chest whenever I try to eat something, I haven’t been finding it as difficult to eat/overeat. The food noise is back and apparently, I have fallen right back into the hell that is constantly being hungry and thinking about food.

Not helped by me falling for the ridiculous marketing technique of “buy four for £10” that is Easter eggs from Asda. I don’t even have the excuse of people to buy eggs for – everyone is old enough to buy their own, so why the heck I threw four giant Easter eggs into the shopping basket, I really don’t know. Worse, I’ve already eaten one of them.

Stripes said something to me the other day that has been ricocheting around my empty head – about how I use food to punish myself. Whether it’s eating things that I know are going to make me feel sick, or upset my stomach – when I’m feeling down on myself or a little lost, I tend to eat my emotions and not always in a ‘chow down on everything’ mode. Rather, deciding to have chicken wings even though ever since I started Trulicity, chicken has made me throw up quite violently. Or chocolate, which even before the semaglutide was something that would make going to the bathroom a pretty awful experience.

I visited my Marmee on Sunday for perhaps the first time in six months. She’s been away on holiday and I wanted to take round her Mother’s Day present personally. I wore the bright pink dress I ordered from Simply Be, as well as the shining new white trainers; Stripes did my eyebrows and I felt GOOD - well, as long as I didn’t look at any pictures or mirrors. My Marmee is blunt – if she tells you that you look good, then she’s not bullshitting. Obviously that has another side to it – if she thinks you need to hear the ugly truth about something, she’ll tell you.

She was so happy to see both me and Stripes (and Grim turned up once she’d awoken), so she was pretty much dancing in her seat at having all of us visit her. And she called me to tell me to keep up the good work and that I looked good. I was practically wagging my tail in joy. It is one of the weirdness things of weight loss whereby you want people to notice that you’ve lost weight, compliment you on it, and yet you don’t want people to say anything because – well, it’s about your weight and that is a lava-hot topic for most people.

But then my head got involved and I found myself thinking. What if my Marmee is only saying I look good/like I’ve lost weight because I’ve told her that I’ve been losing weight? And what did she think of how I looked before? And – well, generally imagine a gigantic pot-hole in the middle of the street you’re walking down with neon lights telling you that it’s there and you need to avoid it and thinking, hmm, I wonder what’s down there before jumping in with both feet and then bemoaning the fact that you appear to have fallen? So yeah, my head is still not a healthy place and I find myself doubting everything. Add to which, the scales are not moving (not up or down) and you can imagine what’s been going on in my head. What if it’s stopped working? What if I need the side effects – the explosive bathroom visits, the vomiting, etc in order to lose weight?

Fortunately for me, the wool I ordered has arrived and instead of keeping my hands busy with food, I can crochet the blanket for the great-nibling that is due in October. And I think I need to do a bit more work on that Mantra stuff because my goodness, my head is just such a fucked up place.