Food Funerals and Lessons to be Learned

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ ?? |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Ever heard the expression grasping defeat from the jaws of victory? It actually goes grabbing success from the jaws of defeat or something like that, but the other way is more appropriate for me. I was reading on Reddit about people going for surgery, and someone asked the question about food funerals – a farewell to food before beginning the pre-op diet, having your favourites one last time.

I thought I’d learned my lesson about ‘last chance’ meals over the years. It pretty much always leads to binging behaviour, where I feel the need to have everything that I love to eat because I’m never going to have it again. Invariably, I put on a few kilos with these food funerals. And I’ve basically spent the last week doing exactly the same thing. McDonald’s, popcorn, shortbread, cheese and crackers – so much stuff that I simply haven’t been fussed about for ages suddenly became all that I could think of.

I even went to great lengths to practically guarantee myself an upset stomach by having a McDonald’s milkshake plus a McFluffy plus a McRib - I’m wincing just writing that down. Not because these foods are bad per se, but because for so long (most of this year in fact) I’ve incorporated ‘treats’ without making a big deal of them. Some of them have led to stomach upset, some of them have lost their ‘taste’ to me. But the self-sabotage button is being smashed with a vengeance and suddenly I have what seems to be zero self-control, eating beyond comfort level, eating without conscious thought – just reverting to all of the bad behaviour from before ozempic and trulicity.

Why? I don’t know – because I’m repressing my fears about the surgery? Because I want to pretend to be ‘normal’ for just a bit longer before I have to live on shakes for four weeks? The scales are still moving downwards – I have seen the 160s several times over the last week. I know once I do the pre-op diet that I should manage to lose the 8.5 kgs that they have asked of me. My head is just such a messed up place and sometimes I worry that even if I survive the surgery, I’ll still manage to fuck myself over.

The girls have been really good about not offering me things since I asked them not to around Easter time, but they also accept that I make the decisions about what I eat, bear the consequences and as such they don’t ‘police’ my food. I feel like shit because that means I’m putting both of them into the position of watching me sabotage myself, like I’m not worth the effort to keep up the good work that I’ve done to lose nearly 85 lbs in just under a year. I want to say that I’ll do better, that I won’t put them in this position again, and to a certain extent I won’t have the opportunity to – I begin the pre-op diet of shakes on Thursday morning so there should be no more asking for take-out or sweets. But what about after the surgery?

We have a booklet provided by the Bariatric service that lists what you can and can’t eat, and refer to it as the bible because we keep checking things when questions arise. Based on what I’ve read, I do the four week pre-op diet, then again liquids for two to three weeks afterwards. Then I move to pureed and soft foods for a few weeks before slowly reintroducing solid food after that. That doesn’t leave a lot of wriggle room for me to panic about the future I’m facing.

It’s scary to think that I could lose 15 kgs in a couple of months when it’s taken me nearly a year to lose three times that amount, but judging by the posts I’ve read on Reddit, that may well happen. Mentally, that’s a lot. I know I’m a hermit, but I do go out occasionally and once I’ve started losing the weight I know I have to go to appointments for vitamin injections, weigh-ins, etc. So I’m going to have to go out in public more often when I’m probably feeling more vulnerable than I have in a very long time.

I want to look forward to this stuff with enthusiasm and anticipation, but instead they just create feelings of anxiety inside me that I am struggling with. I don’t want to mess this up – I want to lose this weight and see what my life looks like when I can get in and out of cars easily; use a scooter without nasty looks from people because they think the only reason I use it is because I’m too fat to walk; to wear clothes that are pretty and not just because they fit; to not be afraid of going to doctor because I’m anticipating them making everything about my weight.

The other thing on my mind is the girls. I know this is all heavy stuff and it’s weighing on them too, but they don’t seem to be talking about it. I’m worried that I’m just being egotistical and expecting them to be talking about me and what might happen, etc but I don’t think it’s that – I think I’m just really concerned that they’re bottling things up because they don’t want to worry me or each other. It just feels so wrong – like I’ve made an appointment that could literally kill me and we’re all just acting completely and utterly normal about it. Going about our days, writing, shopping, visiting family, working with this timebomb in the backs of our minds.

It’s nearly 8 am and I think really need to see if I can get some sleep. Thursday the pre-op diet starts whether I feel ready for it or not and I want to face it on a good night’s sleep. All I can do is what the ‘bible’ tells me to do – four shakes per day plus 2 litres of water. That’s it – no other thought required – what could be simpler than that? Excuse me while I die of hysterical laughter!

Telling the world but not my family..

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 169.8 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Hmm, I’m in a bit of a weird head-space.

I found out yesterday that my mother told one of my sisters about the surgery. Now, that shouldn’t be a big deal but I wasn’t planning on telling family (as in those who live outside the area and I don’t see from year to year) until much closer to the date. Not sure why – I’m not ashamed of having the surgery, but I guess I just wanted to keep it to myself? Which sounds absolutely bizarre when I’ve put it up onto the internet for all to see/find if they so choose, but I guess that’s what it’s about – me choosing who finds out or is told. The thing is, once you tell one person, the rest is out of your control and this shouldn’t be a big deal but it kinda is.

My family is a little strange, well at least I think so. We don’t meet up very often – it tends to be for big birthdays for the matriarch more than anything. However, like many families, there is a lot of gossip. I know stuff about siblings that I’m pretty sure they never wanted me to know. But the difference is, I don’t say anything to them about it – I might know but that doesn’t mean I feel free to discuss it openly. And now I’m wondering who else has been told and what they’re saying about me. Which isn’t my business – what other people think of me and what I’m doing is none of my business as long as they don’t get all up in my business.

Not sure I’m making a lot of sense.

I don’t think there’s any point in saying anything to my Mother about it. I know she won’t have done it maliciously but I can’t help but feel hurt. Like, I talked to her about my fears about leaving the girls behind, all of the things that could potentially go wrong with the surgery. We talked about my failed marriages, my return to my home city – or rather, she talked and I listened and tried to understand what was behind it all. My mother is not very emotional – she loves me and I know it; she’s proud of me and I know it; if I ever need money I know she would find a way to help me, no question. But she’s not emotional – not normally.

But she cried. And I don’t know how to help her feel better about everything. I know she looks at my life and wonders what went wrong – what happened. I used to be a go-getter (her words) and ever since I returned to my home city, she feels that I’ve basically buried myself alive in my house. I don’t visit people, I don’t go out, I call once a week to chat but don’t tell her much about myself.

The thing is, I know she hates my life. She hates what being fat has done to me; she doesn’t understand the mental health issues I have and struggles because for her generation, it was just kinda stiff upper lip and deal with things. And chronic illness with no definitive diagnosis makes things worse – she’s fighting against the desire to say just snap out of it. But I know that’s part of what is going through her mind. She’s watched me lose and regain hundreds of pounds over the years and to a large extent, can’t understand why I can’t just stick with a diet and lose the weight. She knows what the media says about Ozempic and the like; kinda understands that for some people it’s not as simple as eat less and exercise more, but she also can’t help holding on to that mentality because that’s what she knows. She’s had her own struggles with weight loss and succeeded on Weight Watchers, but is also currently struggling to keep her weight down.

Maybe it’s as simple as wanting to let people know my own way, in my own time. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out and have called myself a snowflake, a wuss, over-sensitive. But I don’t think I am actually any of those things – I think I just wanted agency over my own story. I’m not going to reach a point of happiness about this because I keep wondering who else knows, who else is judging me, who else is going to be watching to see if I fail – all of those people who have done and said nothing over the years whilst I’ve struggled with weight, loss, all of it. God this is all such a mind-fuck!

Normalcy – went to hospital today for pre-op blood tests, blood pressure, etc.. Was actually really peaceful – not a lot of people on the roads so early in the morning and we were seen pretty much immediately. In fact, we were done and outside again twenty minutes after our appointment time so all good. The best thing? Their scales show the same as mine – if I leaned too far to the right, it showed 170kg but leaning to the left turned it to 169.8kg so that’s what we went with! So I’m officially in the 160s which is nice.

Jab day and it was painful I – I’m not sure why but I really felt it today and was not impressed. Maybe I need to use a different site than my arm?

So, to end on a positive note, I have a couple of NSV – getting in and out of the Uber was easier and doing up the seatbelts in the backseat wasn’t a big deal.

I think I’m gonna try to get some sleep and put all of this out of my head!

Surgery Fears and Scattered Mind

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 170.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Okay, I hadn’t realised that it had been so long since I posted. There’s been a lot going on and my mind is a bit scrambled.

I have a weight loss goal of 8.5kg by my surgery date. I don’t do well with deadlines – I always find a way to fuck things up and either have to scramble to make it or turn myself into a complete lunatic trying to do everything possible and maybe still screw things up in the process.

Point in fact: Stripes, Gidget and I sat down and counted the Exante shakes I had on hand for starting the liquid diet next week. We worked out that at three a day, I had 14 days worth, so I went onto the New You website and the Kee Diet to price things out. The issue seemed to be that both of those plans state you should be using four packs a day, which for some reason messed with my head. Like, I had a spreadsheet open and could do the calculation on there and yet I still ended up fucking up the amount I ordered. I did find the water flavourings I used to love so added those to it. Spent just under £170 ordering that and then realised I hadn’t ordered enough.

So off to Superdrug website to see if they had any ready to drink ones I could use. They have Slimfast in packs of 6, so I was going to order three of those so that I had extras and then I got stuck on the vitamins I need to order for after the surgery. Closed that tab.

Had a phone call on Wednesday with a lovely lady called Elaine where we went through a host of questions. She asked if I had previously been given a surgery date and then had it cancelled and I said no, but that I had started to wonder if they’d forgotten about me. Which makes me think that I should have been having all of this closer to March when I met the anaesthetist.

I asked her if I was allowed to continue the Ozempic after the operation and she said she had no idea. She said she’d asked the nurse who was used to handling the bariatric cases and get back to me. I am booked in for repeat bloods this Saturday morning because unfortunately all of the ones I had taken before are now too far out of date. All good – at least we can remind ourselves of where the hospital is and everything.

We’ve set up a spreadsheet with the things we need to do between now and surgery date so that things (hopefully) don’t get forgotten.

Requested liquid/crushable meds from my Doctor who contacted pharmacist. All good – even let me have some Betnovate for my eczema. All good, right? Well, nope because the pharmacist administered all of this stuff now which left us wondering, was I meant to be on liquid stuff from now until the Op? Finally called them and they said put my normal prescription through and use the tablets, etc. until the op then switch to the liquid ones. (High point: the liquid paracetamol is strawberry flavoured and Stripes said it looked like I was going to be taking adult calpol – little things please little minds, so sue me!)

Like I said, my mind is kinda scattered so my posts may be a little – random. I’m worried about the girls. I want/wish that they relied on each other and talked about the stuff that’s worrying them. I know they don’t want to add to my personal worries, but now I’m concerned that they’re bottling things up. Gidget had an appointment today with her Dr re her ADHD meds and he asked her if anything was stressing her out. She said no, at which point Stripes reminded her about the whole ex-stalker drama and me being given a date for surgery, at which point she burst into tears.

So, yeah, there’s definitely stuff going on that’s not being talked about. But what can I say? I’m just as cracked in the head about it all as they are. I’m scared of dying, about how things will be afterwards, about all of it. And that’s on top of the whole waiting to hear back about my PIP.

And on top of all of that, I find the scales are being bastards. There’s no other explanation for it – I’ve got as low as 170.1 (I think) but they just won’t tip over into the 160s. I wonder if I’m sabotaging myself somehow but I don’t see how. I haven’t actively changed how I’m eating – we’ve had ready meals, take out but nothing excessive, I’m drinking my Rio – the numbers just refuse to go down. So, yeah, I’m panicking. About whether I can cope on the liquid diet, on if I lose enough weight before the surgery, about all of it.

My new jimjams turned up and they look too small. I haven’t tried them on simply because I think that if they don’t fit and prove unsuitable, I may just break down and bawl and not stop. And the oven is causing issues – every time its’ turned on, it flips the breaker and we lose power in my end of the flat. The council have said the sockets are all fine so it has to be the cooker. We’re gonna get an electrician in to have a look at the oven but it’s expenditure I could well do without.

Positives? Well, I had to shave Lady Munchington’s private area because she’s been having pooping issues and not been keeping up with her personal hygiene. Get cats they said, they’re sweet, fun and low maintenance they said. Yeah, right! But I did an okay job and she doesn’t hate me any longer – after I did it, she hid in the cat tree in the living room and refused to acknowledge mat all. She seems to have forgiven me now (enough to take some fish from my hands) but that was not something I expected to have to do.

First Week of August

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.7 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

LORD, August has been a full on month already and it’s only the 7th!

Okay, let’s see. My laptop was getting very slow so I looked into more RAM. Buying the right thing wasn’t the problem – I just don’t have the confidence to unscrew my laptop and tinker with it’s insides. Just the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. So I looked up local computer guys and found someone. The price was within my budget (kinda) and he came and picked it up on Friday.

Which sounds absolutely fine until I slowly but surely realise just how much my laptop is part of my personality and coping mechanisms. I’m currently using the ‘download’ laptop and the frustration of trying to learn a new keyboard layout, remember passwords for logging into the things, as well as not having all of my normal programmes has utterly fritzed my brain.

I haven’t really been able to write – I did manage five drabbles for the 1 million words challenge but nothing since – which means that I haven’t done book reviews, weight loss blog, medicinal marijuana blog – nothing. And I feel like all of those words are jammed into my brain, fighting to get out with no way to release them.

I finally caved in and downloaded a few of my normal programmes – paint.net and libreoffice – and have tried to do things as normal, but in the back of my head there is just so much history on my laptop that it feels incomplete. And I’m really struggling. Talk about first world problems – woe is me, my laptop has gone away to be cleaned and upgraded and I can’t cope with its’ absence!

I have been playing with various AI image generators and have practically been changing my headers/banners every day for something to do. Each time I think that they’re finished and I’m happy with the result, I become dissatisfied and have to start again. Which again, is ridiculous because there was nothing wrong with the headers and banners I already had.

Food-wise, I don’t know where I am. I have been on the scales but can’t see any progress. I am once again bouncing back and forth between 177 and 178 which actually makes me want to cry. Do I need to titrate up again so quickly? Am I eating something that’s making me retain water? Why aren’t the numbers changing? Maybe it’s because I have my phone call with Violet on the 19th that I’m panicking a bit. In my head, talking to Violet means bringing up the weight loss surgery thing again and I was previously a little confident that I might be able to put a dent into my weight before that became a reality. Now I just don’t know.

I remember talking to Nelly and she said that even though she was having success with Slimming World, she decided to go ahead with the surgery because she wanted to know that she couldn’t turn back – that this time was the last time. And that makes sense to me – using the tools you have at your disposal. But I can’t help but want to do this without the surgery – why would I go through all of that pain and risk if I can lose the weight with Ozempic? Or something similar – I know that Zepbound and Rybelsus are already out there, as well as Mounjaro and there are new semaglutide drugs coming onto the market every day. Many of them are said to have less side effects than Ozempic.

Maybe it’s time I spoke to my Doctor in person rather than a quick phone call. The issue with that is that a lot of the doctors out there don’t have a lot of experience with semaglutides. The people currently using them are basically guinea pigs – doctors are still saying eat less and move more, here take this and it will help you achieve that. Which doesn’t take into account just how different everyone’s body is. The fact that I’ve lost over 70lbs in seven/eight months when I’ve never achieved that before whilst eating says that my body is not normal.

I don’t have my weight loss spreadsheets on this laptop so I can’t look at the charts and numbers, but I know that things have majorly slowed down. And yes, ten pounds a month is fantastic but if things continue the way that they have been, I will be nowhere near losing ten pounds this month. And I don’t want to waste any time – I want to do this now, quickly (and safely) which may indeed mean that I need to up my dosage. I guess I feel like a bit of a failure that even with this ‘wonder drug’ on my side, I’m still failing.

I know it’s not failing to lose this much weight but I have so much more to go – I don’t want to stall out. In the interests of honesty, I am also struggling with weighing. Lately, I have found myself trying to ‘cheat’ the scales – shifting my weight whilst the numbers are flickering, not weighing in until later in the day when I know the numbers will have gone down. I know the only person I’m cheating when I do that is me, but I am finding it hard not to do it. I know this isn’t all about the numbers – it should also be about my A1C number and my general health – but it’s so difficult when everything revolves around the numbers. You tell people your blood pressure is healthy and it’s like, yeah, right, but you’re still morbidly obese according to the numbers and the BMI chart (God, don’t get me started on the BMI chart).

So in the first week of August, I have lost a grand total of 0.2 kg and am still up from my lowest weight which was 175.3 kg near the end of July. I don’t think my eating is that much different and I know it’s not my ‘exercise’ levels (sedentary doesn’t cover it!) but obviously something isn’t working so I need to do some tweaking. I think it’s possibly the weed munchies at the end of the night where if I haven’t gone to sleep, I want crisps and Jaffa cakes. I did think of leaving my crisps until that time but somehow I haven’t managed to follow through.

Stripes has given me the next part of the Mantra exercises and I will have a look at those. Well, as soon as I can stay awake long enough. That’s the other thing – because I’m not sleeping at night, I doze off during the day which means I’m not doing anything constructive. I’m not moving – even in my limited fashion – and I feel lousy. I haven’t kept up with my water intake – basically I’ve just been shit at this whole thing. I could say that it’s because of handling things with Gidget and JC (still ongoing) but that’s an excuse. That stuff isn’t going on 24/7 so it shouldn’t mean I can’t progress. And I promised myself that no matter what else goes on this summer, I was going to focus on myself and keep this train moving.

This weekend, my sister Sandy and her husband and daughter are meant to be coming up to visit Marmee. I haven’t seen them in years – literally years – but I am kinda dreading it because I said we would go round. And they haven’t seen me, so I can’t remember if I was at my highest weight the last time I saw them. If I wasn’t they won’t see any difference in me at all, which I think would crush me just a little. I can feel myself thinking up excuses as to why we can’t go round which is insane because I would really like to see them. If I could just get out of my own way, maybe Sandy would be another form of support rather than someone I’m afraid of letting down. She’s always been as supportive as she can be from a distance, but COVID and life have truly got in the way, as well as my hermit tendencies, which means that no one from my family has really seen me in quite some time. And I’m not sure if they would notice a difference in my weight if they did see me.

I need to try and get some sleep – I don’t think straight without it, and I know that resting the body properly will help me to get my system working properly again, e.g. losing weight. I haven’t counted calories but I seriously don’t think I’m consuming enough calories to not lose weight. I don’t know if I can handle the thought of calorie counting, and I seriously don’t think it would be a good idea for Stripes to have to take part in that for me since she prepares my meals. That would be horrendous for her recovery and she has been doing so well.

There has to be a way for two people struggling with opposing eating disorders to be there for each other and help, not hinder. I’m hoping getting this out means that I can sleep and get back on track. That and I think I’m gonna chase the IT man today and find out when I’m getting my proper laptop back.

The Mind-F*ck that is Choices/Decisions

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 192.2 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I appear to have entered the world of the mind-fuck. On Monday, I had my telephone appointment with Violet, my Endocrinology nurse. She was very pleased with my progress and said if there are any issues getting hold of Ozempic to get in touch with her as she will push for them to prescribe Zepbound which is the new semaglutide that has just been approved. I was riding high on that and my birthday weekend despite having a very upset stomach and feeling like death.

Today, Violet calls back to give me a heads up that the surgery team would be in touch with me soon with regard to potentially getting the gastric sleeve in May. MAY! I thought it was going to be December at the earliest because of the wait times so in my mind, I had another 10 months to see just how much weight I could get off and maybe not even need the surgery. Less than half an hour later, the phone goes and its the surgery administrator wanting to book me in for a face-to-face with the anaesthetist and practice nurse next Friday!

I was high on flippin’ Big Narstie because my knees were hurting and I was desperate for sleep, so I had to try and be ‘normal’ but inside I was freaking out. I couldn’t make the first appointment they offered me, so I am now booked in for late March with the anaesthetist and February 26th with the nurse.

I can honestly admit that I am freaking out. It was one thing to think I had ten months to make a difference and perhaps not have the surgery. May just feels so soon and my brain is running through scenarios like a pair of squirrels fighting in a sack.

* if I turn down the surgery and determine that I can do this on Ozempic or the like and then what happens if there are supply issues or I get too sick and can’t continue on it? Does that mean I have to start the whole process for weight loss surgery all over again?

* if I go for the surgery, what if that means I’m not giving the non-surgical route time to work? Surgery is irreversible – am I ready for that?

* there are so many people fighting for a place on the wait-list and I’m thinking of turning it down – am I insane? Stupid? Panicked?

Pretty much the best scenario that I can think of is if the anaesthetist says that I’m currently unsuitable and they give me longer to lose some weight – going into surgery at over 400 lbs is no joke and I want to give myself the best chance of survival. And then maybe I’ll be able to get it off with the Ozempic or whatever in the meantime?

I feel like such an idiot being so freaked out about this – I’ve been trying to get this whole WLS thing sorted for nearly four/five years and now it might be happening, I’m bottling it. I know it’s not that simple – when I first started this journey, Ozempic, Trulicity, etc weren’t exactly well known and I was stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark hole looking up and wanting to cry.

Stripes was so helpful – she listened to my stoned ramblings, made sense of them and then just made it okay. No, we don’t have the answers but we have time and we have a plan. And we just stick to that. So, I keep taking the injections, survive the side effects (seriously, the toilet issues have been unreal ) and lose the weight. If and when the anaesthetist tells us if I’m suitable, we move to the next step.

And we have Violet on our side. She has been instrumental in keeping me going – always so empathetic, helpful – if she says she’s going to chase someone, she does, and her honesty and willingness to go above and aboard has made so much difference to me.

Tomorrow is injection day and I think I’m going to stick to jabbing the back of my arm as I think there have been less side effects this week. The scales did go down to 191 kgs the other day but we’ll see where things lie tomorrow morning at ‘official’ weigh in, 2024 has been a trip so far!