Feelings - nothing more than feelings....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.6 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

WARNING – ANGRY VENT AHEAD

It’s 8.30 in the morning and I can’t sleep – haven’t slept all night – because my mind is racing. So I thought the best thing that I could do is try to write all of the thoughts out of my head so that I can finally get some sleep. Warning, there may be profanity included.

I fucking hate Easter. Like – utterly detest it. Not for religious reasons or anything like that, but plain and simple because of the sheer amount of chocolate and sweets that surround the whole holiday. It feels like it’s impossible to avoid them – they’re on all of the adverts, buses, billboards – just masses of photos of delicious chocolate that is meant to be a little treat.

And it’s for selfish reasons. I know all about the idea of willpower and just saying no. I get that – I know lots of people enjoy Easter for lots of reasons that don’t have anything to do with chocolate or hot cross buns.

But it’s so fucking hard – and after Easter, it gets harder because all of this chocolate is suddenly half price off! It should be simple, right – just don’t buy the chocolate and you won’t fall prey to its’ evil clutches. But the sheer fact that some people can just not when it comes to chocolate boggles my mind. Even with Ozempic, all of that chocolate around is such an incredible temptation.

I distinctly remember arguing with someone over the whole ‘eat less, move more’ attitude towards dieting. This was years ago and I can’t even remember who it was, although I’m pretty sure I’ve had similar conversations with more than one person. I asked them if they would take an alcoholic to the pub or just tell a heroin addict not to shoot up and them saying it’s not the same thing. I replied that’s it’s harder because you can’t just give up eating. You have to face your addiction every single day, several times a day. And willpower isn’t infinite and it isn’t enough. If it was as simple as ‘eat less, move more’, the diet industry wouldn’t be making billions every year.

I ate about three large Easter eggs over the course of the last two weeks and if I’m being completely honest, I could have happily eaten more. Not necessarily because I wanted it – Ozempic has definitely dealt with food cravings quite efficiently. But because it represents a treat, something nice and a little special that everyone can have. But I can’t have it because I have so little self-control – a small piece of chocolate never feels like it’s enough, I always want more. Food – the dopamine fix from it – is still very much part of me and I don’t know quite how to handle it. But I know that I need to because Ozempic is only a tool – it won’t fix me, or stop me too much.

I can still eat too much. And especially chocolate and sweets, and some fatty foods like MacDonalds. I pay for it with the digestive issues and the stomach upset and the burst piles – but when I’m thinking with my emotional head on, all of those things don’t matter. Whether its’ because I want to hide from how I’m feeling, whether I feel like I deserve a reward for something ‘good’ that I’ve done, or I’m panicking about how much weight I’ve already lost (will it keep coming off? What if it does keep coming off – how will I hide if I lose the weight?!) – chocolate and sweet things all ‘help’ with those feelings/thoughts. It’s a temporary and destructive solution that I know I need to work on, but God, it’s so fucking hard.

I know people are trying to be nice when they buy me chocolate, sweets or other food. And it feels rude to say thanks but no thanks because often people are trying to show that they have thought about me – acts of service, gifts, food – all ways to show love. So saying no thank you feels like I’m rejecting affection, which I’m not. But how do I say nicely ‘don’t feed me your love, show it to me in other ways’? Do I have the right to say that to people? Isn’t that making my issue somehow their issue?

See what I mean about all of the insane thoughts racing through my head – its no wonder I haven’t been able to sleep. I talked to Stripes about it last night, and that helped a little. But unfortunately I think this is something ingrained in me that I am going to have to winkle out over time. Whether it’s by writing letters to the main culprits (never sending them because who needs that much negativity out in the world and you can never tell how someone is going to respond) or accepting the gift and giving it away immediately – I have to get a handle on this.

I’ve asked that no one in my immediate circle offer/buy/give me chocolate, sweets or cake for the foreseeable future unless I specifically ask for it. Anyone outside of that circle shouldn’t really have a reason to offer me anything – my birthday was a couple of months ago, Mother’s Day has been and gone – the next celebration is Eldest Daughter’s birthday but fortunately that’s nearly 200 miles away and even I would have a problem trying to get my hands on birthday cake from that far!

I feel like I need to get a handle on my eating. I don’t know if I’ve just got used to the whole Ozempic feeling, but the lack of hunger doesn’t seem to be as ‘present’ as it used to be. Which is where doing the work comes in – where the whole using Ozempic as a tool whilst I revamp my eating and exercise habits comes in. Ozempic, weight loss surgery – none of that is going to fix me. I need to put in the work to fix myself. Which probably means doing more Mantra work and that’s a whole different vent.