Nightmares are a bitch but insomnia is worse

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 180.8 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

God, it’s hard deciding what to eat. I seem to have gone through the cheesy beans stage which is a bit of a bummer as we have an assortment of tins of beans now resting in the cupboard. Maybe my body will revisit the craving? Anyway, I did a Tesco shop and ordered some soups with baguettes/sourdough rolls because now I have a craving for something hot that doesn’t involve lots of chewing! I don’t even know why – it’s just what my brain was suggesting!

Stripes is out this weekend with her big sister, so Saturday afternoon/early evening I am flying solo and I need to figure out what to do with myself. Of course, I may well end up sleeping the whole time as the insomnia is biting hard which is not being helped by the awful nightmares. They’re extremely vivid and a lot of them seem to be dragging me back to low points in my life, decisions I’ve made that I now regret, or even just situations where things went to shit. I struggle to shake them once I wake up and they seriously affect my mood because – well, who the heck wants to revisit their lifetime of mistakes every night? So, yeah, sleep has not been my friend. Not to say that I’m not tired – I’m freaking exhausted, but sleep isn’t restful and I generally end up feeling even worse when I do manage to grab a few hours.

I still haven’t really cracked open the new worksheets that Stripes found for me. I don’t know if it’s because my mood in general has been a bit low, or maybe just that I’m a coward, but I haven’t felt up to facing them. But I will because it’s important and because I can see a gigantic pothole looming up in front of me. The pothole that is really new territory and entering the 170s. The scale continues to move downwards which is, of course, absolutely brilliant but I (1) still haven’t heard from the surgeons about a surgery date, (2) still have not received my PIP renewal application form and (3) am absolutely bricking myself at the thought of these new numbers.

I guess there was still a part of me that thought the Ozempic would stop working and therefore the numbers wouldn’t keep going down. And I can’t see any difference in myself at all, despite many attempts to stand in front of a mirror and actually look at myself. I haven’t been out so I haven’t had to wear anything other than my pyjamas so it’s not like I can tell by the fit of my clothes. I don’t want to ask Stripes to look at the face photos she has been taking for me because they’re only a month apart, so how big of a difference could there be? I’m edging ever closer to having lost 60 lbs and it’s more than a little disheartening that I can’t see a difference. 

They say comparison is the thief of joy – seeing posts on Reddit with people having lost like 25 lbs and looking completely different, or reaching goal having lost 30 lbs sometimes makes me just feel like such a loser. Their start weight is more often than not my goal weight. It feels so far away, and even though I remind myself that the time will pass and if I stick to this, things will happen, I wish I could see something now. Instead, it just feels like I’m plodding along and the numbers on the scale are just some nebulous meaningless thing. I feel like such a whiney baby when there are also people posting on Reddit that they haven’t lost a single pound since starting months ago – at least I’m a responder which means that even at this low dose, Ozempic is working for me. I should be grateful – I AM grateful. I guess it’s just human nature to want things immediately. I need to be aware of that and work to get over it – it didn’t take just a few months to put the weight on so I can’t expect it to fall off just like that. 

Today is my writing day and I am going to have a look at some of the plot bunnies Meph has been putting into our chat. I don’t know if I’m in the mood to write something serious so Twisted Bonds and The Vamp’s Wolf are out because both of them are at serious points in the story. I’ve written a couple of drabbles and I have at least one ARC I need to read so maybe I’ll call it a day, try to get some sleep and try again later. 

In the meantime, I am grateful for the fact that the Ozempic is still working, enabling me to control my appetite better; I am grateful for the fact that I have been able to get another 4 weeks' supply so can continue; I am grateful for the fact that I am alive and able to look back at my life and see all of the learning moments; I am grateful for the love and affection in my life from my daughters, my friends and my cats; and I am grateful that I can write as a release from the stresses and strains of everyday life.

Shit, I am so tired – I wonder if any of this makes sense!