Fluctuations and their Implications

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182.2 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I saw 181 yesterday. However, I’m not surprised that the scales went up today as it was Gidget’s birthday yesterday and we had pizza, garlic bread and cupcakes, as well as some jelly beans. So far, my stomach hasn’t rebelled but I did learn a few things about myself. I’ve attached a screenshot of my weigh-ins over the last seven days so I can see the fluctuations and see for myself how things change, most of the time for no explicable reason that I can ascertain.

I managed not to over-eat which was a nice achievement – of course, I did sleep a chunk of the day away so there’s that, but I’ll take the victories where I can. The cupcake was absolutely lovely and it would have been so easy to ask for another one, but I didn’t. And I managed to limit the amount of jelly beans I pilfered from Gidget. All in all, I think control and food-plan wise, the day was a success. I’ve given Gidge my tub of Maom to take with her when she returns to halls, and the rest of the cupcakes are going as well, so temptation has been removed from my path.

I’ll more than likely have the remaining half of my pizza and garlic bread for my meal today, so again, that feels like an achievement. I distinctly remember when I would have polished off an entire medium pizza, half of the garlic bread and cookies and not left myself anything for the next day. I needed to see that written in black and white to recognise it as an achievement but I wonder how long it will take me to internalise that as an achievement?

I’ve been feeling – well, flat may be the best way of describing it and I’m not sure why. The current chapter I’m working on in Mantra is regarding Nutrition so maybe that’s why I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m still not eating ‘well’ by any means, but I do seem to have settled into having one main meal a day, with perhaps a small snack later. I’m not sure that’s a good thing but it does seem to be where my body/brain has decided to settle for the time being.

I had a minor panic when I realised I only had two injections left and I hated the thought of running out. I guess that might be part of what’s going on in my head – the almost constant fear of supply issues making it difficult to settle down and accept that this is it for the foreseeable future. I think I may be due a phone call from Violet soon and I will bring up Zepbound or whatever is the latest semaglutide drug that is easily available, just so I can settle my concerns about it all.

I should be so pleased with myself – I’ve lost 4 stone and am literally a lb away from being under 400 lbs for the first time in well over five years. I guess part of it is the (completely natural) scale fluctuations where I put on/lose half a kilo regularly and then suddenly there’s a proper drop that seems to be constant. Then the cycle begins all over again. And this week, I haven’t experienced ‘the great emptying’, although I don’t think I’m constipated as my stomach isn’t rock hard and I’m not in pain. Maybe my body is accepting the status quo and accepting that this is how things will be for a while?

I think the best thing I can do for myself is try to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep last night – maybe because I had a long nap the day before? – which means that if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up back on a nocturnal schedule which doesn’t help/serve me. It’s too easy in the middle of the night to feel all of these complicated emotions overtake me and feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what the next chapter of Mantra covers but then, shouldn’t I be concentrating on what I’m currently working on rather than worry about what’s coming up next?

I think the last section I did which talked about a support network, having a person to talk to who is slightly more separated from things here would be good. It’s not fair to put everything onto Stripes’ shoulders while she is handling her stuff, but it isn’t easy because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing myself damage/harm trying to work through this Mantra stuff without a counsellor to speak to to help me figure out how I am feeling/handling all of the emotions and turmoil it’s bringing up. But that’s the reality of the situation – I don’t have access to a counsellor, and even if I could get a doctor’s appointment to talk about it, the waiting list is obscene and half the time when you do get to talk to someone, it’s only for six weeks.

And the ever-present fear regarding my PIP coming to an end is growing. I still haven’t received any paperwork from them and I’m wondering if I should call them. But there’s a part of me that wants to hide away and not bring myself to their attention. Of course, that could completely bite me on the ass when June comes around and I get no money because my award has expired. Maybe that should be my goal for this week? Get in touch with the DWP and ask for the paperwork to continue my award? Ugh, sometimes adulting really does suck.