The Mind is a Scary Place

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 178.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

I did a chunk of work using some worksheets that Stripes gave me from here and I’m not sure how I feel about the work that I’ve done.

Quite a bit of it seems more skewed towards different eating disordered behaviour than I would recognise in myself, but at least some of it felt applicable to me. It made me do some thinking about how it has all affected my relationships with people and quality of life. I’m not sure if the monitoring things that they suggest will work for me, although Stripes did help me put a lot of that into perspective. The Ozempic is doing the heavy lifting in regard to losing the weight – removing much of the food noise, limiting my ability to overeat, etc – but I am still the one making the choices. I’m choosing the continue using the injections; I’m “listening” to my body with regard to not eating when I’m not hungry; trying to respect the things that I know I can’t eat unless I’m willing to experience adverse side effects. One of the things it says is that I shouldn’t weigh myself more than once a week so that I don’t allow the numbers on the scales to decide my mood, etc. It also states quite clearly that it’s not compatible with trying to lose weight, which I don’t think I can make the commitment at this point in time to say that I’m not going to have that as a goal. That’s the whole point of the Ozempic – I want and need to lose weight, so attempting to follow a programme like this seems counterproductive. I think it might be a good idea to look at the resources on the website that focus more on body image, depression and anxiety rather than focussing on the disordered eating aspect of things.

I was going to spend some time today working on spreadsheets and monitoring forms as per the advice given, but I’m not sure that’s the right way for me to go. I think I might give it a day to percolate and then consider.

I’ve been watching a semaglutide diary on YouTube here called Journey with Wendi and she was doing a weekly check in where she answered questions, explained side effects she was going through and her progress. Very straight-forward, sometimes amusing, but one of the biggest things is seeing the difference in her each and every week. She is on a higher dosage than me – at the point in the diaries that I am in, she is using 1mg of Ozempic per week – and there is the fact that her start weight is somewhere I can only dream of. I decided to do something ‘brave’ and sent her an email just expressing my thanks for the content she is providing, especially since the videos I am watching are from 2 years ago. It’s weird to think that she could be in a completely different place now – that she might be at goal and maintaining, whilst I feel that sometimes I am at the very beginning of my journey.

This week is quiet – for me anyway. Stripes has a session with Jaime; Grim is getting her hair done here on Thursday – but apart from that, it should be quite peaceful.

I had a very upset stomach last night which to be honest is not a surprise. I had a weird eating day yesterday – I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night, then had leftover Chinese food early on Sunday. Later in the day, I had a major craving for tuna pasta with sweetcorn and mayonnaise. It tasted absolutely lovely but it was strange to have a second ‘large’ meal when I’ve pretty much been having one meal a day. Then I had a yoghurt and a kiwi fruit. I think I’m off kiwi fruit – whether it’s where we are getting them, if they’re in season or what, but they have either been all bruised and ‘off’, or the one last night had a really weird semi-solid white bit going all the way through it and I couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I ended the evening in the bathroom with an ‘explosive’ episode. It wasn’t as bad as some of them have been, but it was pretty bad. The good part was that it left me so exhausted that I went to be just after midnight and slept through to just after 8 am – silver lining!

I’m going to do some reading, maybe play some Disney Dreamlight Valley and have a quiet day I think. And no doubt begin to panic about what I’m going to wear on Thursday when Tanya is here to do Grim’s hair – it sounds ridiculous but I’m wondering if it’s too weird to be in my pyjamas while she is here. I don’t even think she would judge me, or even notice. It’s all in my head which as we know, is a weird and scary place! Oh, and I need to do a food-shop because I want to try some non-dairy Greek-style yoghurt because I am enjoying having them but wonder if having the dairy-free version might sit better with my stomach!

Stop the world, I want to get off

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 179.5 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Oh my poor brain! Seriously, like can I get a break!

Okay, so good note: no sitting down bawling for apparently no reason. So, a step up from last weekend.

Bad note: my head is still all over the place and the fucking scales are just not moving. I know that I’ve gone down into the 170s, which is a cause for celebration, but overall last week I barely lost a kilo. Like – I had some really bad upset stomachs in there, didn’t eat masses (including no take out all week) and I’ve tried to up my water. So what gives? Why haven’t the scales gone plummeting down? I feel like crap for not loving more than that – like, most of the reason this feels worthwhile with all of the side effects is because of the weight loss. So – no weight loss, do I want to carry on?

Actually, thinking about it, it seems like every entry to this is going on about whether or not I want to carry on taking Ozempic. What’s the reality? Well, I can’t see me going off of it any time soon – unless my surgery date comes through. Because this is the first time I have lost this amount of weight in so long and it seems to be staying off (generally) and who am I to turn my nose up at that kind of success? I’m nowhere near maintenance but I can see how staying on a low dosage of Ozempic would ensure the ability to keep the weight off and keep numbers balanced. So, no I’m not really planning on turning my back on the whole semaglutide thing.

I should be getting bloods done soon which will be interesting. My A1C numbers were around 53 – 56 last time I had them checked, so borderline rather than in the ‘red’, and Violet was happy with the numbers so that’s a good thing. It would be amazing if the numbers went down this year even if it’s just in reaction to me losing some weight.

New mini goal: 30 kilos off. No idea when I want that to be, although obviously next week would be absolutely amazing! But yeah – that seems like a sensible mini goal – I can’t quite remember what I said I wanted as my newest mini goal last time so this will supersede that I guess!

I have two ARCs that I have to read today as the reviews are due tomorrow and I’m just not feeling it. It’s not even as if I’m not looking forward to reading them – well, one of them at least – I just feel wrung out and fed up and just fucking tired of all of it. My head is jammed full of stuff, I feel over-sensitive and almost angsty, and I just want to say stop the world and let me get off. Let me have a night off from food worries, stomach upsets and concerns about weight, life, the girls – all of it. I just want to STOP. But the world doesn’t work like that, so instead I shall settle down with the two books I need to read and get them done and write the reviews, try to choose well when it comes to food, and remember that this too shall pass – I can cope with this, I will survive. And if I kill someone, all of this stuff I’ve written here might be used as mitigating circumstances!

New Low and Feeling Low

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 181.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Definitely into new territory weight-wise as once again, the numbers are showing 181. Time to panic about getting into the 170s maybe? Nah, I think I’ll save that particular panic – no point diving into that now when it’s probably going to take another fortnight to get there. I’m on my last injection tomorrow and Stripes is going to be speaking to the pharmacy about my prescription today – I can only hope it’s not the same shambles as last month.

I was going to try to do some more head-work – Stripes gave me the link to some online resources that might prove helpful. I have the notebook, the pens and the vague inclination but I’m feeling a little ropey. Sunday evening, I had a very upset stomach and then again last night. It might be the protein desserts I ordered in an attempt to make sure I was getting enough protein, or at least more than previously. Whatever it was, I spent a considerable amount of time in the bathroom, had to make a run for it twice and felt wrung out by the time I took some immodium.

To top it all off, I didn’t sleep last night so am exhausted. I figured I’d get the book reviews, chapter of current WiP and this journal entry done, and then knock back my painkillers and see if I can get some sleep. Fortunately, I have no deliveries due today so there’s nothing stopping me from grabbing all of the sleep I need.

Still eating once a day but for the last few days I’ve been having sandwiches. I wonder if that means the hyper-fixation on cheesy beans is over and done with? Shame if so, it was nice to have something hot to eat that hit the spot without making me feel bloated/sick. And of course, beans are an excellent source of fibre which helped with the constipation. This whole thing is like a bizarre balancing act between constipation and diarrhoea; feeling too full or hollow; and I wish I could figure out something to help with the horrendous taste in my mouth. It’s pretty much constant and especially worse in the morning after wearing my CPAP mask all night. Chewing gum helps for a short amount of time, as do the cough sweets, but even brushing my teeth with bicarbonate toothpaste doesn’t make my mouth feel fresh.

So, fingers crossed for Stripes as she enters the Pharmacy battlefield once again, and here’s hoping my daily tablets knock me out enough so that I don’t resemble Nosferatu on a bad day!

Into March 2024 - 20kg down

02/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.7 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The first chunk of this is how I was feeling on Wednesday night.

I’ve delayed my Ozempic shot and I’m not sure why. I mean, I’ve been having a miserable time with the galloping trots for over a week, but I was pretty positive that I could ride out the side effects. Also, this flu/cold thing just won’t go away – this evening, my throat feels raw, my glands are up and I feel freaking awful. But I was managing all of that.

What if this is me sabotaging myself, making excuses to come off of the Ozempic because it’s working and that’s fucking scary. I briefly saw 186 kgs on the scales the other day (although they ultimately settled at 188) and I really haven’t seen that number for well over five years. Part of a double chin has gone (this is when photos would have been really helpful) and my jawline is slightly more defined. Hardly Ozempic face but I can see it. Sometimes.

So I think I need to make sure that I take my shot tomorrow morning and not let this continue. Strange to think with all of the freedom to eat whatever I wanted, I had soup and sourdough bread. Admittedly, I did have two more slices of bread with lemon curd/ginger preserve, but I didn’t have breakfast so even with the extra bread, I didn’t go overboard.

I wish I could go back to Trulicity. I really felt more in control when I was on it. I seemed to have figured out the side effects and was settled with what I was eating. I guess partly superstition as it was working for me so why change it and disliking change in general. That being said, this is my fifth Ozempic injection (once I take it) so that should mean it’s nearly a habit. I remember reading somewhere that it takes six weeks to establish a pattern/habit in which case, shouldn’t it be easier by now?

I still struggle to figure out if I am truly hungry or if it’s thirst. Example, this evening at bedtime, my stomach was cramping and grumbling. I can’t tell if it’s hunger or just the rumblings of IBS and/or Ozempic. Why can’t I read the simple cues my body is giving me?

Okay, I think I need to get some photos of at least my face so I can do comparisons when I start to lose faith that this is working and differences can be seen. So maybe tomorrow I’ll ask Stripes to take some photos but not show me. And then do it again at the end of March.

Apart from the appointment with the anaesthetist on Monday, I have no real clue what happens next, so injection and ride out the side effects. A day at a time.

+ + + X + + +

I did take my injection but I think I fucked up. I’ve been reading about people not taking the full 0.5 mg and I decided to give that a go. I’m not sure how much I did take – possibly half, maybe a little more and I did the injection in the back of my arm like I have been doing. Since then, I’ve been feeling nauseous, feeling like my mouth is full of water and just not right. I haven’t had a repeat of the upset stomach (yet) and I feel maybe hungrier but that might all be in my head.

What am I saying, most of this is in my head. I feel like a complete basket case. Monday is looming large as I am meeting the anaesthetist at Solihull Hospital and everything becomes terrifying real once again.

I half decided that I should be treating myself to something to celebrate my weight loss but I am at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t really want to buy clothes – like, where the hell do I go? Nail varnish maybe? Heck, I’m so freaking lost at the moment it’s not funny.

I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep going. All I can do really. Next Thursday is my shot day now and I think I will do another ‘half’ and see how it goes. The scales are still going down – I should be celebrating madly as I have officially lost 20 kg and although I haven’t lost 10% of my body weight yet, I am pretty damn close. But I can’t see it or feel it so I feel like a fraud celebrating it. I read the semaglutide subreddits with these people dropping over 100lbs in less than a year and can’t imagine being in that position.

But I have lost 44.09 lbs – not a small achievement. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I be happy about it? How far do I have to come before it starts being visible?

Photos. I need to take photos.

Into February 2024 - Week 2 of Ozempic

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 193.5 ⟫ 186.93

Drugs:⟫ Ozempic 0.5 mg

My poo is green. TMI I know, but it’s freaking green! According to Dr Google, it’s possibly a stomach bug or food is passing through my body too fast and as a result, bile doesn’t have time to break down properly.

Yuck.

Coming to the middle of week 2 on Ozempic and I have near constant nausea, headaches, either constipation or diarrhoea and feel exhausted. So I guess it’s working then!

I’ve seen the scales move downwards which is reassuring – I can’t shake this fear that somehow this is going to stop working for me and I’m going to find the scales start rocketing upwards, but so far, not the case.

I understand people saying that taking this affects how they think and feel. My brain is kinda full with stuff – normal, stressful home stuff, but also what happens if? Like, if this stops working? Or what happens if/when I get to a ‘normal’ weight? Do I have to be on this for the rest of my life? And if so, can I cope with all of these side effects? Then I feel ungrateful because there are so many people who want to try Ozempic who can’t afford it/get hold of it, and here I am whining about how it’s working.

This brain stuff is hard.

I’m relatively used to the digestive issues – I’ve suffered from IBS for years even if I didn’t realise it at the time – so bathroom stuff has been an issue for a looong time. But the nausea, exhaustion and general aching are new and I’m just scared that this is it forever.

It’s my birthday on Friday and part of me wants to celebrate as I usually do, with my choice of cake made by Stripes and a take out meal. I’m also going for a full day tattoo so will more than likely be exhausted from that too. But I’m not sure take-out is worth the fear of bathroom repercussions or nausea. This obviously isn’t my first time being on a diet over my birthday but it IS the first time that chemical intervention will affect the choices I make.

I’ve also been thinking of using up some of the Exante shakes that I have – just to get in vitamins and nutrients as during the day, I can’t honestly say that I’m eating well. I’m not eating a lot, but I’m not eating balanced meals either. Banana for breakfast, sandwiches for dinner with a rice pudding for dessert. That’s pretty much been my diet for the last couple of days – I had far too many sweets when Book was over for the weekend because we were gaming and I wasn’t paying attention, which is probably why my gastrointestinal issues are so bad.

I still haven’t taken the photographs I talked about. No excuses, but I’ve been so tired that I just didn’t have the energy to try to get some good photos. I really want to at least get some good images of my face so I can track any differences – I think I’ll make that my goal for this week.