Pre Op Day 8 - SlimFast and I do not get along!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 166.2 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg | Pre-op Diet:⟫ Day 8

I really don’t think my body likes the SlimFast Shakes. I had a chocolate one last night – it tasted nice enough going down, although a little bland. But less than an hour later, I’m back stuck on the loo, struggling with the choccy waterfalls. I only have one more flavour to try out of the 18 I bought, and although I have my fingers crossed that the final flavour is one I can cope with, I don’t have high hopes.

I guess I can try to sell them on or something – I hate the thought of them going to waste – and I have all of my sachets to keep me going so I have time to find replacements if they are not going to work out. Stripes and I are wondering whether it’s because of the milk content – the shakes we make up with water – and because there’s nothing else in my stomach, it’s reacting badly.

The scales have shown a slight up-tick and it would be so easy to let that prey on my mind. My sister asked me if I thought I’d be able to lose the weight without going through with the surgery (we were chatting about ways to help Gidget help with all of the stuff in her head, including her anger about me taking the risk of surgery) and I had to admit that I really didn’t think I could. Yes, I’ve lost a chunk of weight in the week since I started the pre-op diet – today is day 8, so in the course of one week I have lost 4.6kg which is brilliant. However, I am not finding it easy by any means and I can’t say for definite that I’d be able to keep following the liquid diet if I had a choice.

So, no, I couldn’t do this without the surgery. Which means doing everything I can to ensure that the girls are okay with my decision and feeling as positive as possible.

I tried on the Garfield jimjam top that I got yesterday – it’s a size 5xl and I thought it was going to be tight and I was very worried. Colour me well-surprised when it went on easily, with plenty of room around the bust and waist. I haven’t tried on the bottoms yet – I think just the top being suitable was enough to blow my mind. I wasn’t ready for either (a) the bottoms to be too small or (b) fit perfectly. The difference a week has made is really messing with my head, and I have to keep my eye on the prize – I am doing this to shrink my liver and in the name of getting to where I want to be. I still need to try on the other items I bought in size 5xl – there’s no such thing as a universal fit – but I don’t see me doing it today.

I woke up around 8 am and haven’t been able to get back to sleep. I could make myself a shake – start the day off right – but instead I read a book and jumped on to do the review because I just feel so meh. Not wrong, as such, just – kinda ennui I think I described it to Stripes as. Nothing to get excited for, look forward to – the only important appointment I have this week is the video call tomorrow. Just tootling along.

Hopefully today, my butt will have settled down and I won’t suffer too much stomach trouble, although as I said I do need to try my last flavour of SlimFast. Actually, I might just get it out of the way now – that way, if it hits wrong I’m not already exhausted from the day to get back and forth to the bathroom. Ah, I know how to live the fun life – planning my day around bouts of diarrhoea!

Pre-Op Day 6 and Stem Milk Shake

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 166.3 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg | Pre-op Diet:⟫ Day 6

Last night, we tried making a shake using Stem Milk from cleaning my Mighty vape. I was hoping it would help me sleep and it just seemed like a good experiment to undertake – similar to when we made edibles.

The Stem Milk worked well – I was absolutely flying but for some reason, it also meant that I only had three shakes yesterday instead of four. I know that I need to make sure that I get in all of my shakes and water, so will be keeping a track on that today.

Yesterday saw the return of the choccy waterfalls as I used to call them when I was doing the Cambridge diet over two decades ago. I suffered through three bouts before deciding that Immodium was needed. To be fair, that may have added to the lack of desire for a fourth shake and also explain why the scales didn’t really move over night. Not that I have room to complain – in the five days I have been following the pre-op diet, I have lost over 3 kg. I have always struggled with retaining water and I want to be sure that I don’t let that mess with my head in terms of the scales – using Immodium does cause me to hold onto water and that will be why the scales didn’t drop.

Fortunately, no return of the waterfalls today so fingers crossed that was just my body adapting to the liquid diet and getting rid of the last of whatever was inside me with the Ozempic.

I don’t think I’m planning on doing any writing today – two blog posts is enough – but I will settle down to do some reading so that I have a book review to write tomorrow. My aim for today is to try to finish at least half of the bottle of water flavourings that Stripes made for me and get in my four shakes.

Did YOU know that rhubarb ferments?!!!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.7 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Did you know that rhubarb ferments like grapes because I sure as hell didn’t! For some reason on Friday/Saturday, I decided I really wanted fruit crumble – get more fruit in to make up something resembling my five a day. I had some on Sunday and Monday – Sunday I felt my stomach twisting up like it had the week before when I had the d&v but we didn’t put it together until last night after I had my dessert. So that’s another fruit off the list and my numbers have shot up with water retention so it doesn’t look like July is gonna be my month for mega-losses.

The sulphur burps are driving me insane today as I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up and my sleep isn’t very good either because I’m too scared to use my CPAP mask whilst burping like this in case I throw up whilst wearing it. So, yeah, I’m feeling more than a little bit sorry for myself.

It’s a writing day so time to wrap up the month of July – not sure I’ve got a lot to say because I don’t feel like I’ve achieved very much this month. Looks like I’ve lost 2kg over the course of the month which is pretty pitiful. Okay, positive hat on. That’s 2kg less than I weighed last month and I still have tomorrow’s weigh in.

⟫ I’ve learned of two fruits that I can’t eat which means, all being well, I won’t suffer through this again;

⟫ I weigh less than I did last month, even if it’s just 2 kg;

⟫ Roughly half a kilo per week works out at an average loss of between 1-2 lbs which is what I should be aiming at for steady loss;

⟫ the tattoos on my thighs are sitting differently because of weight loss – that’s the only explanation I can make for it anyway;

⟫ I’m still doing this – it’s seven months into the year and I am still doing this. I can’t think of the last time I stuck to trying to lose weight for this length of time so I should be proud of myself. Not to mention that it hasn’t always been easy with side effects and real-life getting in the way;

⟫ I missed my diabetic follow up phone call with the doctor’s surgery but they haven’t called back so is it safe to assume that my numbers are doing okay?

⟫ I did more mantra work although I still need to have a go at the letters they suggest writing. But that means I’m still doing the head work.

That’s not a bad round up!

new scale victory/mini goal and NOT Ozempic Karmic Justice

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 175.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Well last night was a bit of a nightmare! I had my usual hot-dogs, followed by grapes and strawberries. Shortly after that, I began to experience tummy ache which I hoped a trip to the bathroom would alleviate. I pretty much figured there was nothing left but the sulphur burps started and they were so incredibly painful. Finally went to bed but got really scared about putting my CPAP mask on – the thought of vomiting in my sleep and asphyxiating made it hard to drop off. Probably a good thing because my stomach was twisting and I ended up throwing off the mask and throwing up in the bin.

And I kept throwing up. I managed to contain most of it but was feeling light-headed and scared. It was around 5 am that I called Stripes and asked her to come and help me. I threw up a few more times, then I changed my jimjams and cleaned up the mess by the side of the bed. Stripes took the bin-bag out of the flat because I was just ugh then after sipping some water, we decided I needed to try to sleep again. No CPAP mask and elevated by pillows and I dropped off.

Spent most of the day dozing when I wasn’t sipping slightly flat fizzy or going to the bathroom, but fortunately no more throwing up. In the end I managed to eat a roll, a fish pie and some biscuits because I was feeling nauseated from hunger.

I can only assume I threw up all of the food that I ate on Sunday, plus whatever was ‘backed’ up from the previous days but there was definitely nothing left in the tank. Stripes and I have theorised that grapes were the only new thing I introduced to my diet and what may have happened with the delayed digestion is that they stuck around fermenting until my body couldn’t take it any more. I am also a little concerned about onions as apparently they can cause sulphur burps but Stripes quite rightly told me we should eliminate things one at a time rather than throwing away everything I’d eaten on Sunday as non-compatible.

Silver lining? The scales dropped 2 kgs so not only have I broken into new numbers, I have lost over 72 lbs. Am I happy? Yes! Do I expect this to continue? Probably not – in fact, I need to be aware that as I return to normal eating the number may bob back up.

During my sad ramblings whilst I was throwing up at 5 am, I did wonder if it was partly my fault because I had spent so much time complaining that Ozempic wasn’t working for me the way it had before and the numbers weren’t moving, but Stripes said quite firmly that me going through the sweats and vomiting was not some Ozempic Karmicc Justice striking me so I have to take her word for it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

May 2024 Round Up

02/06/24 SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.3 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, it feels like May was a bit of a roller-coaster. I find myself wondering once again whether it’s time to make a doctor’s appointment and ask to titrate up to the next level. I don’t feel the appetite suppression anywhere near as strongly as I had been previously and my concern is that the scales will continue to creep up if I don’t act proactively. The fear of the side effects of moving up does give me pause – that and how difficult it can be to get a doctor’s appointment.

This weekend was perhaps not the best test of how things are. Stripes went away with her father’s family so Gidget came home to look after me, make sure I was regularly fed and watered. I also got to meet their new partner, and we spent the day playing exploding kittens, cards against humanity and little big planet. I ate – not incredibly badly all things considered, but there was definitely an aspect of nervous eating. Also, Gidget is not used to cooking for me so we both were feeling our way through things.

I had cheesecake, McDonald’s fries, my current obsession which is scampi, but I didn’t really have any sweets and only a couple of packets of crisps. Last night I paid for the dairy and an expulsion of everything that had been hanging around and it was less than pleasant. I have also gone down with the Gidget flu (i.e. they brought all of their germs with them when they came to stay), so I’ve been sneezing, coughing and basically blowing my nose constantly since Friday.

My monthly weight loss for May was minus 2.2 kgs according to my tracker, which although not bad isn’t exactly stellar. I am also up from my lowest low which saw me reach 30 kgs off.

I have a tattoo appointment at the end of this week, but I think I will try to get in to see the doctor. I hate how ad-hoc this all is – there is no guidance, no supervision, just – here, take these jabs and off you go. So checking in can only be a good thing. I don’t think that I’m due new bloods for a little while so it’s hard to tell what effect Ozempic is having on my A1C but I hope it’s positive when it does happen.

Stripes is back later tonight and I will try to do a food shop to make sure there are the decent choices I had been making. I can’t remember if I mentioned the leak through the roof from the other night. Not our upstairs neighbours but the ones above them had a leak from their washing machine which made its’ way down to our flat. We had to take the curtains down in my room, put towels onto the cat tree and top of the sofa, as well as the cat tree in the cat-room. I need to take photos so that I can put a claim in for compensation. I’m just really glad that we hadn’t ordered/received the new sofa because I would have been pissed.

So as a round up, my head is still a messed up place, the scales are moving down slowly and I think I have finally made the decision that it is time to move up to the next level of Ozempic. I am still hopeful that I can keep doing this but slightly apprehensive about titrating up. I guess it depends on how long it takes to get a doctor’s appointment now.

The Mind is a Scary Place

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 178.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

I did a chunk of work using some worksheets that Stripes gave me from here and I’m not sure how I feel about the work that I’ve done.

Quite a bit of it seems more skewed towards different eating disordered behaviour than I would recognise in myself, but at least some of it felt applicable to me. It made me do some thinking about how it has all affected my relationships with people and quality of life. I’m not sure if the monitoring things that they suggest will work for me, although Stripes did help me put a lot of that into perspective. The Ozempic is doing the heavy lifting in regard to losing the weight – removing much of the food noise, limiting my ability to overeat, etc – but I am still the one making the choices. I’m choosing the continue using the injections; I’m “listening” to my body with regard to not eating when I’m not hungry; trying to respect the things that I know I can’t eat unless I’m willing to experience adverse side effects. One of the things it says is that I shouldn’t weigh myself more than once a week so that I don’t allow the numbers on the scales to decide my mood, etc. It also states quite clearly that it’s not compatible with trying to lose weight, which I don’t think I can make the commitment at this point in time to say that I’m not going to have that as a goal. That’s the whole point of the Ozempic – I want and need to lose weight, so attempting to follow a programme like this seems counterproductive. I think it might be a good idea to look at the resources on the website that focus more on body image, depression and anxiety rather than focussing on the disordered eating aspect of things.

I was going to spend some time today working on spreadsheets and monitoring forms as per the advice given, but I’m not sure that’s the right way for me to go. I think I might give it a day to percolate and then consider.

I’ve been watching a semaglutide diary on YouTube here called Journey with Wendi and she was doing a weekly check in where she answered questions, explained side effects she was going through and her progress. Very straight-forward, sometimes amusing, but one of the biggest things is seeing the difference in her each and every week. She is on a higher dosage than me – at the point in the diaries that I am in, she is using 1mg of Ozempic per week – and there is the fact that her start weight is somewhere I can only dream of. I decided to do something ‘brave’ and sent her an email just expressing my thanks for the content she is providing, especially since the videos I am watching are from 2 years ago. It’s weird to think that she could be in a completely different place now – that she might be at goal and maintaining, whilst I feel that sometimes I am at the very beginning of my journey.

This week is quiet – for me anyway. Stripes has a session with Jaime; Grim is getting her hair done here on Thursday – but apart from that, it should be quite peaceful.

I had a very upset stomach last night which to be honest is not a surprise. I had a weird eating day yesterday – I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night, then had leftover Chinese food early on Sunday. Later in the day, I had a major craving for tuna pasta with sweetcorn and mayonnaise. It tasted absolutely lovely but it was strange to have a second ‘large’ meal when I’ve pretty much been having one meal a day. Then I had a yoghurt and a kiwi fruit. I think I’m off kiwi fruit – whether it’s where we are getting them, if they’re in season or what, but they have either been all bruised and ‘off’, or the one last night had a really weird semi-solid white bit going all the way through it and I couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I ended the evening in the bathroom with an ‘explosive’ episode. It wasn’t as bad as some of them have been, but it was pretty bad. The good part was that it left me so exhausted that I went to be just after midnight and slept through to just after 8 am – silver lining!

I’m going to do some reading, maybe play some Disney Dreamlight Valley and have a quiet day I think. And no doubt begin to panic about what I’m going to wear on Thursday when Tanya is here to do Grim’s hair – it sounds ridiculous but I’m wondering if it’s too weird to be in my pyjamas while she is here. I don’t even think she would judge me, or even notice. It’s all in my head which as we know, is a weird and scary place! Oh, and I need to do a food-shop because I want to try some non-dairy Greek-style yoghurt because I am enjoying having them but wonder if having the dairy-free version might sit better with my stomach!

Stop the world, I want to get off

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 179.5 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Oh my poor brain! Seriously, like can I get a break!

Okay, so good note: no sitting down bawling for apparently no reason. So, a step up from last weekend.

Bad note: my head is still all over the place and the fucking scales are just not moving. I know that I’ve gone down into the 170s, which is a cause for celebration, but overall last week I barely lost a kilo. Like – I had some really bad upset stomachs in there, didn’t eat masses (including no take out all week) and I’ve tried to up my water. So what gives? Why haven’t the scales gone plummeting down? I feel like crap for not loving more than that – like, most of the reason this feels worthwhile with all of the side effects is because of the weight loss. So – no weight loss, do I want to carry on?

Actually, thinking about it, it seems like every entry to this is going on about whether or not I want to carry on taking Ozempic. What’s the reality? Well, I can’t see me going off of it any time soon – unless my surgery date comes through. Because this is the first time I have lost this amount of weight in so long and it seems to be staying off (generally) and who am I to turn my nose up at that kind of success? I’m nowhere near maintenance but I can see how staying on a low dosage of Ozempic would ensure the ability to keep the weight off and keep numbers balanced. So, no I’m not really planning on turning my back on the whole semaglutide thing.

I should be getting bloods done soon which will be interesting. My A1C numbers were around 53 – 56 last time I had them checked, so borderline rather than in the ‘red’, and Violet was happy with the numbers so that’s a good thing. It would be amazing if the numbers went down this year even if it’s just in reaction to me losing some weight.

New mini goal: 30 kilos off. No idea when I want that to be, although obviously next week would be absolutely amazing! But yeah – that seems like a sensible mini goal – I can’t quite remember what I said I wanted as my newest mini goal last time so this will supersede that I guess!

I have two ARCs that I have to read today as the reviews are due tomorrow and I’m just not feeling it. It’s not even as if I’m not looking forward to reading them – well, one of them at least – I just feel wrung out and fed up and just fucking tired of all of it. My head is jammed full of stuff, I feel over-sensitive and almost angsty, and I just want to say stop the world and let me get off. Let me have a night off from food worries, stomach upsets and concerns about weight, life, the girls – all of it. I just want to STOP. But the world doesn’t work like that, so instead I shall settle down with the two books I need to read and get them done and write the reviews, try to choose well when it comes to food, and remember that this too shall pass – I can cope with this, I will survive. And if I kill someone, all of this stuff I’ve written here might be used as mitigating circumstances!

New Low and Feeling Low

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 181.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Definitely into new territory weight-wise as once again, the numbers are showing 181. Time to panic about getting into the 170s maybe? Nah, I think I’ll save that particular panic – no point diving into that now when it’s probably going to take another fortnight to get there. I’m on my last injection tomorrow and Stripes is going to be speaking to the pharmacy about my prescription today – I can only hope it’s not the same shambles as last month.

I was going to try to do some more head-work – Stripes gave me the link to some online resources that might prove helpful. I have the notebook, the pens and the vague inclination but I’m feeling a little ropey. Sunday evening, I had a very upset stomach and then again last night. It might be the protein desserts I ordered in an attempt to make sure I was getting enough protein, or at least more than previously. Whatever it was, I spent a considerable amount of time in the bathroom, had to make a run for it twice and felt wrung out by the time I took some immodium.

To top it all off, I didn’t sleep last night so am exhausted. I figured I’d get the book reviews, chapter of current WiP and this journal entry done, and then knock back my painkillers and see if I can get some sleep. Fortunately, I have no deliveries due today so there’s nothing stopping me from grabbing all of the sleep I need.

Still eating once a day but for the last few days I’ve been having sandwiches. I wonder if that means the hyper-fixation on cheesy beans is over and done with? Shame if so, it was nice to have something hot to eat that hit the spot without making me feel bloated/sick. And of course, beans are an excellent source of fibre which helped with the constipation. This whole thing is like a bizarre balancing act between constipation and diarrhoea; feeling too full or hollow; and I wish I could figure out something to help with the horrendous taste in my mouth. It’s pretty much constant and especially worse in the morning after wearing my CPAP mask all night. Chewing gum helps for a short amount of time, as do the cough sweets, but even brushing my teeth with bicarbonate toothpaste doesn’t make my mouth feel fresh.

So, fingers crossed for Stripes as she enters the Pharmacy battlefield once again, and here’s hoping my daily tablets knock me out enough so that I don’t resemble Nosferatu on a bad day!

Ring of Fire!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Kinda left things on a bit of a cliffhanger last time – my bad! Stripes sorted it – including a posse of pharmacy clients trying to sort out the complete and utter FUBAR that was dealing with the Pharmacy FKAU (they are still useless but in this instance, they came through and I got another four weeks of Ozempic).

However this week I have been suffering the plight of the damned. I don’t know if it was the home-made flapjack made by Grim, Easter eggs in excess or a simple virus, but since Thursday night I have been in hell.

We’re about to get into TMI – you have been warned.

Wednesday night felt like the purge of all things unholy – I cannot believe all of that came out of me, but I put it down to the usual once-weekly emptying out. Unfortunately, this continued throughout the entirety of Wednesday night all the way through to now (early hours of Saturday morning). Ring of fire doesn’t even cover it – I’m pretty sure I created and killed numerous haemorrhoids in the course of these three days. Liquid fire has been coming out of me steadily for nearly three days and I’m not ashamed to say that I was at the point of begging to be put out of my misery. My butt has been in so much pain, my stomach has felt twisted into knots and I have had the belches from hell. Painful, loud and feeling like they’re being punched out of me, I can’t even say that they were sulphur burps which Ozempic is apparently famous for because to me, they didn’t smell.

But they really freaking hurt.

I started on Imodium yesterday and having taken approximately seven doses, things seems to be settling down. Mind you, I thought the same last night and risked half a slice of toast – big mistake, HUGE as it felt like my insides were trying to themselves into pretzels and I was prepared to give absolutely anything for the pain to go away. I slept for over six hours, woke to pee, sip water and take another imodium, then slept for another six hours.

I haven’t risked food as such – I had some dioralyte to replenish fluids (that stuff tastes disgusting) and a cuppa-soup type thing that we had in the cupboard, and that seems to be staying put.

I weighed in this morning and saw 183.7 kg which would take my loss to 24kg or just under 53 lbs, so I should be over the moon. But I’m not because I know that loss isn’t real, and no doubt when I’ve rehydrated and begun eating again, the numbers will shoot back up.

I contemplated not taking my shot today – so much so, that I took it very late this evening. But in the end, I can’t really blame Ozempic for what I’ve been through. It could have been a virus that attacked me, the imodium definitely helped and I haven’t died. Not yet anyway. But I wonder, how much of this is me deciding that I deserve to suffer? Even now online, you can read people saying that taking drugs like Ozempic is the easy way out, that the drugs are just another crutch that fat people are using instead of willpower. And no matter how much I don’t believe that, the words seep into my brain and make me think ‘well if you’d just lost weight the normal way, you wouldn’t be suffering like this’.

We’re at the end of March so I’m going to ask Stripes to take photos of my face (side profile and full on) and once again, not show me the results. And away into April we go. At least I’m no longer as scared to fart as I was earlier in the week – I read far too many stories on Reddit of people shitting themselves, and with the diarrhoea wreaking havoc with my system, it was a genuine fear. Lucky so far and not taking any of it for granted. God, the things we do to lose weight.

As a side note, we never did hear back from Violet (makes me wonder if the message got through to her) and we also haven’t heard anything about the surgery date. Business as usual then – sometimes I feel like I’ve been given these drugs and then just left to my own devices. Ugh, I think I’ll stop here before the self-pity drags me down into it’s pit again.

Into March 2024 - 20kg down

02/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.7 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The first chunk of this is how I was feeling on Wednesday night.

I’ve delayed my Ozempic shot and I’m not sure why. I mean, I’ve been having a miserable time with the galloping trots for over a week, but I was pretty positive that I could ride out the side effects. Also, this flu/cold thing just won’t go away – this evening, my throat feels raw, my glands are up and I feel freaking awful. But I was managing all of that.

What if this is me sabotaging myself, making excuses to come off of the Ozempic because it’s working and that’s fucking scary. I briefly saw 186 kgs on the scales the other day (although they ultimately settled at 188) and I really haven’t seen that number for well over five years. Part of a double chin has gone (this is when photos would have been really helpful) and my jawline is slightly more defined. Hardly Ozempic face but I can see it. Sometimes.

So I think I need to make sure that I take my shot tomorrow morning and not let this continue. Strange to think with all of the freedom to eat whatever I wanted, I had soup and sourdough bread. Admittedly, I did have two more slices of bread with lemon curd/ginger preserve, but I didn’t have breakfast so even with the extra bread, I didn’t go overboard.

I wish I could go back to Trulicity. I really felt more in control when I was on it. I seemed to have figured out the side effects and was settled with what I was eating. I guess partly superstition as it was working for me so why change it and disliking change in general. That being said, this is my fifth Ozempic injection (once I take it) so that should mean it’s nearly a habit. I remember reading somewhere that it takes six weeks to establish a pattern/habit in which case, shouldn’t it be easier by now?

I still struggle to figure out if I am truly hungry or if it’s thirst. Example, this evening at bedtime, my stomach was cramping and grumbling. I can’t tell if it’s hunger or just the rumblings of IBS and/or Ozempic. Why can’t I read the simple cues my body is giving me?

Okay, I think I need to get some photos of at least my face so I can do comparisons when I start to lose faith that this is working and differences can be seen. So maybe tomorrow I’ll ask Stripes to take some photos but not show me. And then do it again at the end of March.

Apart from the appointment with the anaesthetist on Monday, I have no real clue what happens next, so injection and ride out the side effects. A day at a time.

+ + + X + + +

I did take my injection but I think I fucked up. I’ve been reading about people not taking the full 0.5 mg and I decided to give that a go. I’m not sure how much I did take – possibly half, maybe a little more and I did the injection in the back of my arm like I have been doing. Since then, I’ve been feeling nauseous, feeling like my mouth is full of water and just not right. I haven’t had a repeat of the upset stomach (yet) and I feel maybe hungrier but that might all be in my head.

What am I saying, most of this is in my head. I feel like a complete basket case. Monday is looming large as I am meeting the anaesthetist at Solihull Hospital and everything becomes terrifying real once again.

I half decided that I should be treating myself to something to celebrate my weight loss but I am at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t really want to buy clothes – like, where the hell do I go? Nail varnish maybe? Heck, I’m so freaking lost at the moment it’s not funny.

I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep going. All I can do really. Next Thursday is my shot day now and I think I will do another ‘half’ and see how it goes. The scales are still going down – I should be celebrating madly as I have officially lost 20 kg and although I haven’t lost 10% of my body weight yet, I am pretty damn close. But I can’t see it or feel it so I feel like a fraud celebrating it. I read the semaglutide subreddits with these people dropping over 100lbs in less than a year and can’t imagine being in that position.

But I have lost 44.09 lbs – not a small achievement. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I be happy about it? How far do I have to come before it starts being visible?

Photos. I need to take photos.

Sick 'n' Tired of Being Sick 'n' Tired

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 189.1 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well that was a bit of a shit week. Fatigued beyond even the normal, guessing what would stay put and hoping not to have the list of food I can eat and keep down made even smaller; unable to sleep and then sleeping like the dead. Yeah, not the best week ever.

In the back of my mind is the knowledge that on Monday is the pre-op nurse appointment. I don’t even know why I’m panicking about it – it’s a telephone conversation, not a test I can fail or the point of no return. I think my friend Sarah put it best – oh shit, things have got real.

I still don’t know if I was suffering from a lurgy but after the Teenager came home from Halls because she wasn’t feeling well, then a lurgy was a definite. Fortunately no more throwing up, but things at the other end were turbulent. It seemed like literally every time I ate something, I ended up in the bathroom – almost as if there was only room for a certain amount of food, so every time I had something to eat I had to evacuate something else. It’s exhausting and so wearing – I was actually in tears last night because I am just so absolutely fed up of feeling so crap all of the time.

I keep reading about people who’ve had no side effects, the weight is falling off of them, they feel healthier than they have in years and I admit I feel envious. I would LOVE to be one of those people who are finding it easy but I’m not. The food noise is gone and so have some of the cravings, but I still feel like shit and not being able to eat anything without worrying about it worsening the side effects is draining.

I vacillate between feeling guilty that I’m complaining when this is working for me (I’m so close to having lost 21 kg which would be my first 10% off) and feeling sorry for myself that I’m struggling and suffering so much. I remember back when I initially did the Cambridge diet (VLCD) that we used to call it STF syndrome (*scared to fart) because things were just so messed up and I’m back there now. I also know that it’s not as simple as not taking my next shot – this stuff stays in your system for at least a fortnight after taking the shot, so it could be yet another 2 weeks of suffering even after stopping.

At this point in time, I don’t plan on stopping. I have to be honest with myself an admit that there is absolutely no chance I would have lost the weight I have without the Trulicity/Ozempic. I haven’t been in the 180s in over five years and as long as the weight keeps coming off, I’ll keep taking the shots.

But man, what I wouldn’t give for a break where I didn’t feel like crap and felt too scared to go too far from the bathroom.

The Tattoos That Weren't & Side Effects

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 191 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Yesterday I was meant to go for my birthday tattoos – the ones I was meant to get on my birthday but had to postpone because I went down with a bug. I thought the bug was done with me, but apparently not.

I was up, dressed, eyebrows in place and they looked pretty good, and feeling fine in a new dress Just before we decided to order the uber, I thought I should go to the bathroom. Bearing in mind the night before I had had soup and bread rolls for dinner, as well as about four Ferrero Roche, I thought things were fine.

This wasn’t the worst bathroom incident I’ve had since being on Trulicity/Ozempic but it did take me completely by surprise. Basically, everything I ate the night before was coming out the bottom end and then I threw up the toast I had for breakfast at the same time. By the time I was able to stagger out of the bathroom, Stripes had already cancelled my tattoo appointment (I sent £30 to apologise for the late notice/waste of time because I value my tattoo artist and didn’t want her to think I was taking the piss cancelling two weeks in a row). I felt grey, light-headed, empty stomached and generally as weak as a newborn kitten.

I spent the rest of the day tucked up in bed, and managed to keep down/in soup and bread rolls and that was pretty much it for the day. I tried to drink more water but had/have to be careful as sometimes cold water hits my empty stomach and makes me want to throw up.

I am now scared to plan anything because I cannot imagine what would have happened if we had already been at the tattoo shop when this happened. I’m not fast enough on my crutches to get to a strange bathroom and I certainly don’t want to have an accident/puke in public. I found myself musing before I got to sleep whether or not this meant that I couldn’t go out until I had lost a LOT more weight.

This also made me think that all of the people saying taking semaglutide is the easy way out have no clue what they are talking about. I felt like I was being wrung out using my stomach, with everything coming out of both ends and it was a horrible, horrible feeling. I’m half tempted to read through everything I’ve written since November to see just how much these side effects are taking over my life but what good would it do? I’m still not going to come off of them – losing weight is worth the discomfort and sickness. I just need to lower my expectations of what I’m capable of doing,

And book any new tattoos for the day after my injection when I have pretty much zero inclination to eat and should therefore not have these results/side effects.

Saturday morning and I’m too scared to eat toast and have a generally rumbly feeling in my stomach that precedes an incident. I guess whether it’s a lurgy or just the Ozempic, it’s not finished with me yet.