And into March 2025 we go...

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151.1 | IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

I wonder if it’s possible for me to start the month with a cheerful post? Don’t expect miracles, especially with this post.

So let’s see, I lost the grand total of 1.4 kgs over February which I found really disheartening. I should have been happy to hear from my weight management team that I am doing ‘good’ and am well within the numbers they would expect, but instead it got me wondering if I was going to need a revision to a bypass in order to get to a ‘normal’ weight. I can’t imagine going through the surgery stage of this all over again – I’m even thinking excess skin removal is not something I want to go through because it looks so incredibly painful. I know some people use GLP-1s after surgery to assist with food noise and further weight loss so maybe that’s something I’ll have to look into at a later date – a much later date.

Stripes took my first day of the months photos and I spent a little while looking at them. I think it is possible to see differences in some areas, but it’s also depressingly easy to see all of the places I need to work on.

I’ve been walking around the car park again, fortunately without incident. I have been going alone and using my crutches for stability, but my pace has crept up a little which is good. Food-wise, I’m wondering whether I need to change things up a bit. I have been drinking at least 60 oz of protein water per day and thinking I could swap one of those for plain water, just to see if it makes a difference. I guess it’s that balance between getting all of my fluids in and avoiding dehydration AND getting my protein goals in.

I think I also need to look at my daily food. Basically, by the time I wake up I seem to ‘decide’ that there’s no point having breakfast, which means my first meal is generally dinner. Then I have a yoghurt, a myprotein cheesecake and the protein water. I sometimes have string cheese or babybel but even though I’m reaching between 800 and 1200 calories, I don’t think it’s very balanced. There’s very little fresh produce in there and the weight loss isn’t happening. So maybe I need to shake things up? I’m hoping that I get to speak to a dietician at some point this month and I will bring it up with them.

March is looking busy. We have an assessment on 4th for some equipment around the flat – a new hand rail in the toilet next to the kitchen to help me get up, as well as possibly some handrails outside the flat for when I enter and exit. Stripes is out for a blood test on 4th but should be back before the assessment. I also have a Mamedica appointment on Tuesday because I tried to put through a repeat prescription and apparently I need to talk to them before they’ll let me have any more. It’s a good thing – I realised that I have packets of ‘old’ weed going back to December 2023 and I need to know how to safely get rid of them. I’m out of Farm Gas and Sourdough and am using the Morroccan peach to get to sleep, which isn’t the most effective but at least it’s better than the Lot 420.

I’m tired as all heck and also feeling a bit meh. I used one of the MicroLax things last week and was beginning to feel a bit better, but now I’m back to feeling all bunged up. The wind has also not improved very much, which is another reason I might need to look at what I’m eating. I’ve finished all of the knitting I was doing – I have a little bit of wool left over but not enough to plan a project or anything like that. Ah well, I do have a couple of books to read, and we have the finale for Mayfair Witches to watch tonight. I think I’m gonna settle down to do some reading and chill.

Comparison is the thief of joy - again!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food ⟫ Ongoing

The pain beneath my left breast isn’t getting any better and now it’s accompanied by a sudden blinding pain in my head. It’s hard to describe – it’s like being hit with a hammer, more of a thud than a stabbing pain, but for a moment each time it happens it takes my breath away.

After chatting with Jay, I’ve decided to stop ignoring the suggestions/advice from Stripes and Book_grim to see if I can get a doctor’s appointment. I’m worried that they’re just going to turn around and say that I recently had surgery so I should expect some pain and that they will make me feel like I’m wasting their time, but last night was pretty bad. I was still awake when Book_grim got back from work and ended up sobbing with the pain. I’m struggling with sleep – if I sleep sitting up, it messes with my back, but sleeping lying down seems to make the pain on the left side worse.

We can’t call until Tuesday as Stripes has her ED counselling tomorrow afternoon, but Tuesday morning that’s the plan.

The scales continue to be evil – I saw a quick return to 155s but it’s back to the 156s and I am really down about it. I keep telling myself that I’m following the rules and doing what the bariatric bible says to do so I need to trust the process but in the back of my mind is the fear that I turn out to be one of those people that it doesn’t work for, or even worse that I’m doing something wrong and that’s why the scales aren’t dropping. It’s made worse going onto places like Reddit and people who are six weeks out are complaining that they have only lost 12 kgs since surgery. Like – that’s almost doubt what I’ve lost.

Comparison is the thief of joy should be my new mantra but not sure if it’s helping.

Okay, non scale victories: yesterday I drank nearly two of the 1.2 l bottle which included protein water so that was good; had a shower this evening and was able to comfortably reach to wash my legs and feet; when the bottle from my shower gel fell on the ground, I was easily able to bend down and grab it. All things that it would be so easy to take for granted but that I have struggled with in the past.

Hopefully the bed bugs issue is a thing of the past. Book_grim got rid of her mattress, bedding and anything that had been on the bed and we replaced them. She moved her bedroom around and it looks like when she’s finished, it’s going to be a great space. I have about five bites and am hoping that they come from contact in her room rather than the bedbugs moving into my space. Fingers crossed otherwise I’ll have to replace all of my stuff and I am trying to save for the advance payment for the motability car.

I’ve replaced my interim goal weight to 139.5 kgs which would make my overall loss 150 lbs – I still have no idea where the 141 came from but I’ve given up trying to figure out what it is! Hang on, I’ve just checked NutraCheck, an app I was using to log my food, and that’s where the 141 came from – it represented a 10% loss according to them! Phew, glad I figured out what that was!

Last night, I vaped some weed and it helped me get to sleep and I’m wondering if I should do the same again tonight, especially if I’m going to try to sleep without the recliner cushion. And I hate to say it, but I think I might need to get my eye-sight checked because I’m struggling to focus using my reading glasses. Argh, it’s like as soon as I have anything resembling a small amount of savings, unexpected costs jump out of me!

Tomorrow, I need to write a testimonial for my therapist. I’ve decided that it isn’t the right thing for me at the moment for personal reasons, but I do want to express how much what we did do helped me. Trying to find positives whilst I was in the midst of recovering from the surgery initially wasn’t easy but it definitely made me feel more grateful and able to accept where I was. That’s tomorrow’s job – now I need to log off and try to relax so that I can get some sleep.

Another Eureka Moment!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 161.4 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

Today has been a day of listening to my kids and realising that not only do they have their heads screwed on well, I can learn a lot from them.

Firstly, I didn’t go to sleep last night – don’t ask me why because I don’t have a decent answer. Instead I puttered about on my laptop, read, watched 1000 lbs Sisters. By the time the girls got up, I was in so much pain but couldn’t figure out why. Stripes proceeded to tear a strip off me for, in no particular order:

(a) scrabbling around trying to pick up my phone when it dropped to the floor;

(b) picking up and putting down two different laptops on various occasions, despite the fact that it meant leaning over the bed and making everything inside me swish around in a very unattractive fashion;

(c) seeming to utterly forget the fact that I had surgery two days ago and they removed two thirds of my stomach, which meant I just might be a little bit more fragile than normal;

(d) not sleeping despite the fact that I knew it would make things worse for myself, and generally acting like an immature twat who didn’t deserve to be out of the hospital.

Fair enough – nothing she said was wrong and I felt rightfully ashamed of myself. Not least because I can see how much she is trying to get everything right, fill in the gaps between the information we have from the hospital/surgery team and reality, keep me alive and breathing, whilst also being there for Book_grim. I need to do better – for myself, but also for her and everyone else who joined this insane journey without asking to.

Then, just before she went to bed, Book_grim asked me how I was doing and I admitted that I was in a lot of pain and not sure why I wasn’t coping. And she laid some wisdom on me that actually made me sit bolt upright beneath the cuddle we were having. Having surgery was a stepping stone to losing the weight – I know this – I have always known this. However, having surgery didn’t fix the arthritis in my knees, the sciatica, the fucked up discs in my back, the migraines, none of it. And I have been without my medication for all of those things since Wednesday. No medicinal cannabis to take the edge off of the knee pain and help me sleep; paracetamol and gabapentin to handle the pain from the surgery as well as all of the other pain I am normally in. And I realised that I was castigating myself for not doing enough when 1, like I said, two days post surgery and 2, I didn’t have my normal coping mechanisms. I can’t even have a proper cuddle with a cat in case they accidentally knock me or hit one of my incisions.

So I think I need to give myself a little leeway and accept that, yes for some people staying in hospital with readily available morphine might have been amazing, I do better at home. And the cost of that is handling the pain the best way that I can. That means, buying those extra pillows to use to bring my laptop up to a level I can use easily; sleeping regardless of what time of day or night it is because my body needs sleep; pushing myself to keep walking and getting the gas out of me whilst also honouring the fact that my body has been through a lot and we’re dealing with A LOT more pain that normal. So, yeah, we’re not superwoman.

Freaked me out that these two humans I remember lying next to whilst they farted in their nappies, shoved their soggy fingers into my mouth, cried and screamed at me (from childhood until at least 10) – they both provided me with a much needed wake up call. And I respect them both far too much not to listen.

I’m writing a book review for a book I’ve just finished, then once my first of the month bills have left my bank account, I’m putting in that order for the pillow, more protein water, cat food and some hair dye!

Book_grim did my nails on my right hand (we ran out of time for her to do the left hand!), and I spent a chunk of time playing with a spreadsheet that a lovely person on Reddit had created to log their weight loss, BMI changes, etc. It was a lot of fun, and I borrowed quite a few of their ideas but I realised I had a lot of similar data in my own spreadsheet so it was more tinkering than anything.

S sent me a gift to help me out when it comes to buying new clothes – it’s actually going to go on boring things like protein water, etc but it was a very nice gift. J has been sending me links to things that helped her get her protein goals in, and at present we have shopping baskets at Tesco, Asda and Sainsbury’s to see which one is going to work out the cheapest. I tried one of the Ufit chocolate shakes I bought, along with some skimmed milk powder and added water and I just couldn’t drink it. I don’t know if blitzing it in the blender pumped too much air into it, but we could all literally hear the noises my body was emitting when I was trying to drink it and we decided that I had time to try things like that when I was more used to things and my body wasn’t struggling as much. I also had a Marigold bouillon which, although I left it a little too long so it was tepid, was a very nice change from just protein water. Stripes even sieved it and was surprised by the sheer number of tiny carrot pieces that could have caused me issues.

Tomorrow I want to try some soup – cuppa soup or just watered down normal stuff, and I’m vaguely excited but trying to remind myself that I am in this for the long run and taking it slow isn’t a bad thing at all.

So a day where I learned a thing or two from my kids, reminded myself that I’m human and made it another day without falling over or busting open any incisions! Go me!

First week of October 2024

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 172.3 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

So what have I been up to? Well, I set up a new spreadsheet because my old one was getting ‘creaky’. It would freeze when I tried to go to different sheets or charts and I guess it makes sense – there’s a year’s worth of data in it. So I set up a new one, streamlining things a bit and now including my BMI.

The scales are still being stubborn. I can’t figure out if it’s because I’ve been doing the resistance bands every other day and possibly I’m retaining water? My eating hasn’t changed that much although there has been an absolute obsession with cheese sandwiches when I’ve vaped my medicinal weed. I think I may need to adjust what I’m eating for dinner to include the craving because it’s not going anywhere – I did try to keep something aside from dinner but that didn’t work. It HAD to be the sandwich. Kudos to Stripes for somehow managing to recreate my childhood favourite sandwich!

I’m not sure if I can feel any difference with using the resistance bands apart from pain in my arms and shoulders. I guess I need to continue to be consistent with it and then maybe I’ll see something. I had a shower the other day and I was caught off guard by the mirror. God, my boobs are just so sad-looking. Like droopy Bassett ears. If I ever make it to goal, I’m going to need cosmetic surgery to deal with them because it’s just not right. I think I might need to start saving now though because I reckon I’ll need a whole body lift to get rid of the excess skin.

I bought some workout/sleep gear – Aztec print trousers and a couple of vests. I’m not sure the trousers will fit because they look really small to me. They’re a size 6xl but I don’t hold out much hope. Of course, I’ve been wrong before so I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I’m down with yet another cough/cold so am necking Benyllin like it’s going out of style. The sneezing is what makes me feel completely exhausted and I hate wearing my CPAP whilst I’m struggling like this. Added to which, there have been at least a couple of times when the coughing has led to me throwing up which is never nice. I don’t know if it’s because my immune system is just crap and autumn means the temperatures are changing, but I could do without it to be honest. Added to which, I can’t get my COVID or flu jab whilst I’m sick, so it has a knock on effect to everything. I need to book a Dr's appointment because I would like to be referred for a home hearing test and Specsavers’ have said that it has to come from the GP. I’ll add that to my to-do list but I would like to combine it with the jabs if I can so that I’m not paying out a fortune in Ubers for each trip to the surgery.

I’m trying not to panic at the numbers going back up and instantly think about titrating up, but I do wonder if I will need to move up to 2 mg. It’s hard to see the ‘loss’ numbers move from 80 lbs to 77 lbs without feeling a sense of disappointment. I don’t think I want to titrate up – I can only imagine how horrific the side effects would be – but I also don’t want to stall out here. I shall keep a close eye on the scales throughout October and then make a decision I think.

As to my goals at the end of September, I am definitely getting more protein in the form of cheese! I’m being consistent with the resistance bands – now I just need to get cracking on sorting out my bedroom floor and the clothes out of the cat room. Slowly, slowly!

diabetic physical check and nsv

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 180.6 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

This morning was my diabetes physical check up, so weight, foot check, bloods, blood pressure, wee sample. For some reason, I always get very stressed when it’s time for this check up. I’m not sure why as it’s not with a doctor but with one of the practice nurses who are always better at getting blood and seem a lot less judgemental. So being the prat that I am, when I couldn’t sleep last night, I decided to vape some MC. So come 7.45 am when Stripes comes through to wake me up, I’m not only still awake but also still vaguely high.

And paranoid.

We were seen very quickly – appointment was for 8.30 am so there was no one ahead of us, and the nurse was lovely. Not gonna lie, I was feeling seriously amped up and I think Stripes realised I was kinda tripping because she kept hold of my hand which definitely helped with the inner shakes.

Got on their scales expecting to see the 180.6 that I saw on my scales earlier, but the official weigh in was (drum roll please) 178.6. Yep, the scales at the surgery showed a whole 2kg less than the ones at home. So I’ve logged it on my spreadsheets as the weight my scales show but also made of note of what will be in my hospital/Dr notes. After seeing the scales, the rest of it went okay. Normal issues getting my blood pressure reading and she asked us if we would be able to send in a week’s worth of readings from home which we’ve done before so should be no problem. Taking bloods seemed to go well but then I decided to faint after having my feet checked so not quite unscathed.

Still, home by 9.30ish and decided to write this and then see if I can get some sleep. Stripes has a session later today and I want to try to be awake and available if she wants to talk/decompress or just have another human being with her.

NSV ⟫ the last few times that we’ve been out, I’ve been able to put my seatbelt on in the back of the Uber. As in, about half of the time, I can click it in myself and only have to ask Stripes to do the last awkward bit half the time. I can’t remember the last time I could do a seat belt up in the back of the car without an extender – it was probably many, many years ago. I can feel my brain beginning to slow down so I’m going to post this before I crash. Survived another trip to the doctor’s surgery – not sure I can class that as a NSV but nevertheless, feels like I’ve succeeded for today!

THC based cookie and a good night's sleep

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

To be fair, I might not even post this one – mainly because I am under the influence of half of one of Stripes’ THC cookies. I have been struggling a lot with new pain in my knees. Previously, they have only been this bad during the winter – the cold makes them hurt like a motherf*cker and has sometimes made me cry with how bad it is. However, this past week or so I have been really feeling it. I haven’t been using the medicinal cannabis because I wasn’t in that much pain, and because it’s bloody expensive to buy. I had other things I needed to spend the money on, so if I didn’t need it, I wasn’t going to keep buying it. I have a decent stockpile and Stripes has cookie dough in the freezer that is THC-based.

Last night, I asked/she offered one of the cookies and I decided to give it a bash because this is going to be a stressful week and I need to get some sleep. Because I haven’t had any in such a long time, I decided to just eat half of one to see if there were any effects. Bear in mind that I was vaping THC for nearly nine months, practically every day so I wasn’t sure what effect the cookie would have on me. Within about forty minutes, I was feeling a bit giggly and tired, so I put on my CPAP mask and tried to go to sleep.

About two/three hours later, I woke up and was feeling on the ceiling. But there was absolutely zero pain in my knees. I barely remember what I did upon waking up, but Stripes was going to bed so I thought I might as well go back to sleep. As I said, I have been struggling with my sleep pattern lately and wanted to see if I could grab another couple of hours. 7.30 this morning (about five hours later), I’ve woken up to use the bathroom, am still feeling floaty as all heck but a lot better rested. And I’m going back to sleep! Well, I will be – once I’ve checked all of my social media and let my painkillers settle down. One of the worst things about using Ozempic is that I feel full all of the time, which means when I take my drugs they spend what feels like at least half an hour just sitting there. Makes it uncomfortable to lie down immediately after taking them – there just feels like there’s no room for them. A benefit when it comes to food, not so much when it comes to the drugs that keep me upright on daily basis!

Also, I’m deliberately trying to ignore the numbers that popped up on the scale this morning – bah humbug!

It's Me, Hi - I'm the Problem, It's Me

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.9 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I’m a mess.

I had my pre-op assessment with the anaethetist yesterday and generally speaking, it went well. The journey wasn’t too awful – probably because the appointment was at 11 a.m. so we missed peak traffic times. I had height and weight measurements taken and was pleased that even wearing my boots I weighed less than a kilo more than my scales at home say. Which reassures me that they are correct and that I am on the right track. (Imagine if I was naked on them what I would weigh!)

Swabs in nose and groin (didn’t expect the second one) plus an ECG, bloods and blood pressure and we waited to meet the anaethetist. The nurse who did all of this asked if I had received my surgery date yet and I had to say no. We were asked about this three times all in all, with each person being surprised that we didn’t have that information yet.

The anaethetist was a nice guy, very clear in what he was explaining. He was impressed with my weight loss since I spoke to the surgeon and asked me questions about Ozempic with an open mind which I appreciated. He checked my blood sugars through my patient record at the surgery as apparently none of them had copied over to the hospital database, which was a little concerning, but he was more than happy with the results he got to look at. He asked if we had any questions, explained what medications I would have to stop before the surgery, how pain relief worked afterwards and everything – he was very efficient and friendly. So all systems go on that side.

I can’t help but feel that the reason we haven’t received my surgery date is that it is out of the scope of Violet’s influence. I know she has been pushing things for me which is why these appointments took place, but the fact that everyone seemed to think I should have received my surgery date by now was disconcerting and worrying. But again, nothing I can do about that but keep on doing what I’m doing – any weight I can lose between now and when I hear that date can only be for the good.

So why am I all the way fucked up? I had nightmares on Sunday night about Monday and no matter how much I told myself that it was just a meeting with some basic tests being undertaken, it plagued my dreams. Yesterday evening I went to sleep earlyish (for me) and proceeded to have literal fighting, screaming nightmares. Existential bullshit nightmares about wrong decisions I have made in my life and how it affects the people I care about. Fears about the surgery and how, with my luck, something may go wrong. Like, death or even worse (perhaps) something going awry and me being alive but unable to do anything for myself and becoming more of a burden than I already am. It was rough and I feel like such a dick because Stripes is the one who had to talk me down from the terrors and listen to me spewing out all of my fears and negativity when she has so much of her own stuff to deal with.

I feel like shit but I can’t seem to shake the darkness that is swallowing me up. It’s like a non-stop reel of negativity in my head and every single time I close my eyes, all I can see is all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt, the people who have hurt me. And I need it to stop because its driving me absolutely insane.

I thought I had learned a little about not eating my feelings but yesterday I ordered pizza, with doughballs and cookies from Domino’s. Even though I know what a bad decision it is whilst on Ozempic. Admittedly, I ate half of my pizza, about four doughballs and a cookie and that was pretty much all that I did eat. But how can I have learned nothing about what food like that does to me? About why I turn to food like that? How can I even contemplate weight loss surgery when something that went well sends me diving for the uber eats app and stuffing my face?

I ended up not going back to sleep because I couldn’t face the nightmares so here I am, on about four hours sleep, feeling like shit and wishing I could shut my brain down. Just for a little while. I know that half a pizza, doughballs and a cookie aren’t that bad – not that any food should be considered bad in and of itself – but I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t stop myself from doing what I usually do. And I wish it wasn’t affecting Stripes – it’s so not fair when she’s putting in the work to handle her own shit and having to shoulder mine as well.

I’ve booked myself in for my birthday tattoo this Thursday and paid the full amount so no matter how I’m feeling mentally, I have to go – I can’t afford to lose that money. And having written all of this down and done a book review, I’m going to try to get my head down. I’ve asked Stripes if I can look at the Mantra worksheets she has been using from her eating disorder meetings to see if they can help me. I know that they are difficult as they make you face things you may not be ready to face, but I need to put in the work so that when the surgery date does arrive, I am as ready and prepared as I can be.

And I admitted to myself that I haven’t been vaping my medicinal cannabis because I didn’t want to smell of weed and have the people at the hospital judge me for it. It’s stupid – it’s prescribed medicine, it helps me sleep and handle the pain in my knees, etc but I judged myself and doubted what I was doing and whether I should be doing it, and for the last week I haven’t used it at all. And maybe that has something to do with the night terrors/nightmares, especially how vivid they have been – I think I read somewhere that very lucid dreams can be a side-effect of coming off of cannabis so might need to do a little research into that. But it’s ridiculous and I need to get a grip.