Still Sick, Still Struggling

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3| MGW ⟫ 141.9

Transition to Normal Food

Well I can’t say that I’m in a better place than I was on Tuesday. Today is a writing day and I can already tell that I’m not going to get a whole lot done. Mainly because it’s just after 7am in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. The last two days, I’ve been feeling absolutely awful – coughing, sneezing, a tightness just beneath my left breast and occasionally pain. There also feels like there’s a slight lump there but I’m not sure if I’m just winding myself up and everything is absolutely normal.

I’ve also got an almost constant pressure in my throat – I don’t know if it’s because I’m drinking my protein water mixed with sparkling mineral water and drinking through a straw, but it’s the best way to get my water in. It just feels like there’s something stuck in there but I can’t imagine what it would be – I set a timer so that I don’t drink anything for 30 minutes after I’ve eaten, which I kinda regretted the other day. Stripes made me a white fish fillet in mushrooms and garlic but I didn’t realise that she’d seasoned it with pepper. I bit down on a peppercorn and spent a good hour feeling like my chest was on fire. I think it irritated my pouch because things were very unhappy until I managed to drink some milk. Once I’d done that, I felt a lot better.

It makes me wonder if I should start a spreadsheet of the foods that I can’t cope with. I had Branston beans with a small amount of cheese and they were lovely and I managed them fine. I’ve also found the ready meals that I’ve been having relatively easy to manage. I only have half of the meal and nothing on the side and it seems to be working.

I think I need to reconsider my meals. I don’t know if it’s the mentality I had whilst on Ozempic – I didn’t have breakfast, then just had a main meal and snacks. I wonder if still doing something similar means that I am trying to get too much into my pouch in a small space of time and that’s why my throat feels the way that it does? I think I need to aim for little and often, with less slider foods like the yoghurt with mango puree that I’ve been eating. I’ve also discovered Babybel light and string cheese and they are the devil. They’re very moreish and relatively easy to get down and I find myself snacking on them more than I should. I don’t want to not have them because they are a good source of protein and get my calories up, but I do need to be aware that they are a bit of a temptation/danger food for me.

I bought myself a cup from Amazon to see if I can get my water intake up. It’s this one and is absolute massive. It holds 1.2 litres and comes with two different types of lid and two long straws. I am aiming for at least completely drinking one of these per day and using the protein water means that I am getting closer to my protein goals. Not that I know what those are – maybe I need to re-read the bariatric bible – but I have been trying to get to 80 g of protein per day.

I had a very upset stomach yesterday – the first time in what feels like quite a while. Maybe the scales will start moving downwards again? I really hope so – it’s so difficult to remain steadfast and optimistic when they haven’t moved for what feels like a good couple of weeks. I was expecting the three week stall but I wasn’t expecting to be at six weeks out and only have lost 20 lbs.

Now that it’s been six weeks, I want to begin exercising. The plan was to use the resistance bands that I got for Christmas and try to do them every other day. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have put paid to that idea – there are times when I can barely drag myself to the bathroom, let alone try to start exercising. And again, I’m worried that I’m making excuses for myself, letting myself fail because I’m afraid of success.

The girls are taking a couple of the cats to the vet for their annual vaccinations and I think I might try to get some sleep then. I know I’ve messed up my sleep schedule – I didn’t get to sleep until 6.30 am yesterday, then basically spent the day sleeping. I don’t want to become nocturnal because that seems to just be another way of avoiding real life. So of course, I’ve not slept tonight and will crash out when the girls leave around 10.30, then be awake in the middle of the night again. Argh, why do I do this to myself?

I have an ARC that I need to finish and review – I’m about halfway through so I should be able to get that done today/tomorrow. This weekend we are replacing Book_grim’s mattress, pillows and bedding. We think she has bed-bugs and I’ve been bitten because I spent a bit of time in there with her. I hope it’s not bed-bugs because I hate the damned things and I know it doesn’t take much for them to turn into an infestation. Book-grim is also talking about moving her bedroom around which I think could be a good thing. She’ll have to tidy various areas up in order to move things around, which I think will help her figure out how she wants to keep her space.

I know I need to clean up my bedroom again – the floor has got messy by the window, and I have clothes piled up in the chair next to my bed which was not the original plan. Once this leurgy has gone, I would like to get my room back to where I had it before the surgery. In the meantime, I’m not thinking about the rescheduled dietician’s visit which is on the calendar for 20th January. I worry that the scales will continue to go in the wrong direction. I was also thinking about the group meeting and worrying because I don’t want to take over and ask masses of questions (everyone hates the person that does that) but at the same time I want to ask things like about my vitamins, about the pain in my chest, etc and this is my best chance. I could email the dietician’s team before then but they were so slow to reply when I tried emailing them about my pre-op diet that I find myself thinking face-to-face would be better.

I’ve almost managed to wash out the lavender hair-colour which makes me hopeful that I will be able to try to rose-gold that I ordered from Amazon. It should be gone with maybe another one wash, maybe two. Not that it makes any difference since I still haven’t gone outside since the surgery. I had an excuse when it was snowing but it’s not at the moment, just bloody cold. I need to get my butt in gear and go out! I guess part of the issue is that I don’t want to visit any of the family members so I don’t actually have anywhere to go. And I don’t want to spend money because I am saving for the advance payment for the motability car. Right, I think that’s enough rambling – today I want to finish that ARC and try to have three meals and snacks, as well as at least a litre of water. Those are sensible goals!

One last note: I put 141.9 kg as my interim goal on Nutracheck which I am using to track my food and I have NO idea why I chose that number. I’ve done some calculations on my weight track spreadsheet and I can’t figure out why I chose it – it’s not a particular percentage compared to my start weight or anything like that. Maybe I’ll remember at some point and if so, hopefully make a note somewhere!

91lbs off and Pre-op Day 5

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 166.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg | Pre-op Diet:⟫ Day 5

And into day 5 we go. Yesterday was tough – I did have a shower but felt incredibly lethargic all day, struggling to stay awake. I didn’t paint my nails – in fact, I filed them all down because I just suddenly hated the way they looked. Ah, mind-fucks, where have you been – not that I’ve missed you.

Today is a busy one for the household – Stripes has an ED meeting and Gidget has a telephone counselling session, so definitely a fragile house. We didn’t end up watching Aftermath but will probably watch it today.

Today is a writing day and I am kinda celebrating because I have reached 91 lbs off! I know that this sudden drop is because of the pre-op diet and I find myself feeling almost guilty about it. Like taking the Ozempic was ‘bad enough’ but then doing a liquid diet on top of it is bound to mean the weight falls off. Of course, it’s not cheating or bad – it’s just using all of the tools at my disposal. And it’s not as if I’m finding it ‘easy’ – sometimes I literally feel like my stomach is eating itself but I’m pretty sure that’s psychological rather than physical.

I have high hopes that I’ll reach 100 lbs off by the end of November which will be my official one year anniversary of starting to handle the whole weight thing and that should be exciting. I did end up ordering a new blender for my bedroom as well as some pyjamas that should fit. I’m struggling at the moment because most of the things that I use as jimjams are getting very loose – not quite falling off but hanging on by hips, etc. I ended up ordering boxer shorts two sizes smaller than I’m currently wearing and some teeshirts, with the idea that I can wear those in hospital. I did treat myself to some Garfield pyjamas as well and they should be here by the end of the week.

My sugar free syrups arrived so that should deal with any of the shakes that I can’t stand the taste of – I will probably have to tell the girls which shakes need the flavourings added to. Once the blender arrives, it should give me a bit of autonomy and Stripes shouldn’t have to be bouncing in and out of the kitchen to blend me up my meals. Hopefully.

I finished reading the ARC I had so I can do a review this morning. I need to check the guidelines for BookSirens because I can’t in all good conscience rate this as higher than a three and sometimes when it comes to ARCs they ask that if you are rating it that low to leave your review until after the book has been published.

I think I have a quiet week planned apart from the video meeting on Friday. We do need to try to get me an appointment to get my feet checked because the hardened/sore skin doesn’t seem to be getting better, despite the amount of doublebase cream I’ve been smothering the appropriate sections in. But that’s tomorrow. I also need to order cat food, go through the superdrug order I had put together, as well as the Amazon one I currently have lying in my basket. The superdrug one can wait as it’s cosmetic, but the Amazon also contains Slimfast for post-op and I would like to have that sorted and ready.

I am due to get my next PIP payment next week but as I still haven’t had the result of my PIP review, I don’t know if I’m going to be receiving. If they decide that I’m no longer entitled, I could be losing out on that money immediately and I need to keep that in mind with regard to my finances.

So, book review, writing and some reading for me today, then being here for the girls for anything they might need from me. Day 5 is underway!

New Weight Territory, Mini Goal and COVID

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 174.2 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The last time I thought I was in control of my weight was quite a few years ago. I was due for an endocrinology appointment and was almost excited because I had been ‘dieting’ for quite some time and was positive I had lost some weight. I didn’t have scales of my own that went up high enough, but I was sticking to a diet plan and really feeling like I was succeeding.

I remember being utterly crushed when I got on their scales and they showed my weight as 183 kg – I cried on the way home, only possible because a friend at the time had driven us to the appointment. It was also when I decided it was time to seriously consider weight loss surgery as an option because I had simply couldn’t think of any other way to get the weight off.

COVID has had a rather devastating effect on my appetite. Food is just lumps in my mouth with barely any taste, nausea is almost constant, and the cough feels like it is raking my throat to shreds (there was blood in my tissues twice today – not enough to be overly concerned, but it does demonstrate just how bad things are). Today, Stripes and I had soup for dinner, along with a couple of slices of bread and butter, and I had a pineapple fritter for dessert. That was all I ate all day and I barely managed to finish the soup. All this to say, it is no surprise that the scales are moving downwards.

I had a mini goal of getting to 175 kg by the time my latest endocrinology appointment came around (19th August) and it would appear that I have more than made that goal. I wonder if it’s going to be a permanent kind of loss or whether, once COVID has done with me, the numbers will bounce back up. Even during the Weight Management course I had to attend in order to be put forward for weight loss surgery, I didn’t lose weight like this. By the time I spoke to the surgeon, life had kicked me in the teeth a few times and I was up to 190something kgs. To be heading towards 173 kg is making my mind spiral. It kinda helps that my brain is cottage cheese – who has the time to suffer through an existential crisis when you have a constant headache, feel like crap and can barely stand the thought of drinking water, let alone eating something? Maybe it’s good that I have COVID (seriously, I don’t mean that in a stupid way, more of a having COVID means that I don’t have the energy to be thinking of all the other stuff that normally fills my head). But yeah, it’s less about trying to eat less and more about trying to eat something each day.

Speaking to Violet should mean that I find out what my new A1C is as I never did find out from the surgery following my annual check up. I wonder what it is – I wonder if it’s good? I wonder if it’s showing how much difference Ozempic is making or whether it will show that losing the weight hasn’t made much difference to my diabetes? I’m only awake as my eyes are itching so badly that I needed to dose them up so that I can get some sleep. I’m not sure if I’ll use the CPAP tonight – seeing blood in my sputum scared me a little, even though it sounds like it’s a relatively normal side effect of the coughing.

I haven’t been vaping weed the last couple of nights – my order was meant to arrive from Mamedica today but it got waylaid by Royal Mail so should be in tomorrow. Maybe the new strain I am trying – Big Narstie Purple Milk I think it’s called – will help with the sleep issue. That would be so nice because at the moment it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I am exhausted. Added to my normal fatigue levels, I am feeling like death warmed up – even walking to the bathroom and back is enough to have me sweating, shaking and feeling like I’m either going to throw up or pass out. High sleep is way better than no sleep.

new scale victory/mini goal and NOT Ozempic Karmic Justice

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 175.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Well last night was a bit of a nightmare! I had my usual hot-dogs, followed by grapes and strawberries. Shortly after that, I began to experience tummy ache which I hoped a trip to the bathroom would alleviate. I pretty much figured there was nothing left but the sulphur burps started and they were so incredibly painful. Finally went to bed but got really scared about putting my CPAP mask on – the thought of vomiting in my sleep and asphyxiating made it hard to drop off. Probably a good thing because my stomach was twisting and I ended up throwing off the mask and throwing up in the bin.

And I kept throwing up. I managed to contain most of it but was feeling light-headed and scared. It was around 5 am that I called Stripes and asked her to come and help me. I threw up a few more times, then I changed my jimjams and cleaned up the mess by the side of the bed. Stripes took the bin-bag out of the flat because I was just ugh then after sipping some water, we decided I needed to try to sleep again. No CPAP mask and elevated by pillows and I dropped off.

Spent most of the day dozing when I wasn’t sipping slightly flat fizzy or going to the bathroom, but fortunately no more throwing up. In the end I managed to eat a roll, a fish pie and some biscuits because I was feeling nauseated from hunger.

I can only assume I threw up all of the food that I ate on Sunday, plus whatever was ‘backed’ up from the previous days but there was definitely nothing left in the tank. Stripes and I have theorised that grapes were the only new thing I introduced to my diet and what may have happened with the delayed digestion is that they stuck around fermenting until my body couldn’t take it any more. I am also a little concerned about onions as apparently they can cause sulphur burps but Stripes quite rightly told me we should eliminate things one at a time rather than throwing away everything I’d eaten on Sunday as non-compatible.

Silver lining? The scales dropped 2 kgs so not only have I broken into new numbers, I have lost over 72 lbs. Am I happy? Yes! Do I expect this to continue? Probably not – in fact, I need to be aware that as I return to normal eating the number may bob back up.

During my sad ramblings whilst I was throwing up at 5 am, I did wonder if it was partly my fault because I had spent so much time complaining that Ozempic wasn’t working for me the way it had before and the numbers weren’t moving, but Stripes said quite firmly that me going through the sweats and vomiting was not some Ozempic Karmicc Justice striking me so I have to take her word for it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Scale Victory : 30 kgs down

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 177.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Today we have a scale victory. I have officially lost 30 kgs. I am pleased but struggling with the after-effects of the eye drops they use at my diabetic eye screening so am feeling rather subdued and headachey, but I didn’t want to miss this mini goal.

Stop the world, I want to get off

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 179.5 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Oh my poor brain! Seriously, like can I get a break!

Okay, so good note: no sitting down bawling for apparently no reason. So, a step up from last weekend.

Bad note: my head is still all over the place and the fucking scales are just not moving. I know that I’ve gone down into the 170s, which is a cause for celebration, but overall last week I barely lost a kilo. Like – I had some really bad upset stomachs in there, didn’t eat masses (including no take out all week) and I’ve tried to up my water. So what gives? Why haven’t the scales gone plummeting down? I feel like crap for not loving more than that – like, most of the reason this feels worthwhile with all of the side effects is because of the weight loss. So – no weight loss, do I want to carry on?

Actually, thinking about it, it seems like every entry to this is going on about whether or not I want to carry on taking Ozempic. What’s the reality? Well, I can’t see me going off of it any time soon – unless my surgery date comes through. Because this is the first time I have lost this amount of weight in so long and it seems to be staying off (generally) and who am I to turn my nose up at that kind of success? I’m nowhere near maintenance but I can see how staying on a low dosage of Ozempic would ensure the ability to keep the weight off and keep numbers balanced. So, no I’m not really planning on turning my back on the whole semaglutide thing.

I should be getting bloods done soon which will be interesting. My A1C numbers were around 53 – 56 last time I had them checked, so borderline rather than in the ‘red’, and Violet was happy with the numbers so that’s a good thing. It would be amazing if the numbers went down this year even if it’s just in reaction to me losing some weight.

New mini goal: 30 kilos off. No idea when I want that to be, although obviously next week would be absolutely amazing! But yeah – that seems like a sensible mini goal – I can’t quite remember what I said I wanted as my newest mini goal last time so this will supersede that I guess!

I have two ARCs that I have to read today as the reviews are due tomorrow and I’m just not feeling it. It’s not even as if I’m not looking forward to reading them – well, one of them at least – I just feel wrung out and fed up and just fucking tired of all of it. My head is jammed full of stuff, I feel over-sensitive and almost angsty, and I just want to say stop the world and let me get off. Let me have a night off from food worries, stomach upsets and concerns about weight, life, the girls – all of it. I just want to STOP. But the world doesn’t work like that, so instead I shall settle down with the two books I need to read and get them done and write the reviews, try to choose well when it comes to food, and remember that this too shall pass – I can cope with this, I will survive. And if I kill someone, all of this stuff I’ve written here might be used as mitigating circumstances!

Into May at 60 lbs down!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 180.2 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Today is my oldest baby’s birthday – she’s 29 years old, so shout out to you, baby!

And onward to the update I guess. Well, the last week/ten days in April was challenging. I struggled a lot with emotions – last weekend, I basically spent two days just crying. I couldn’t even fully explain what I was crying about – I simply couldn’t stop crying. I wish I could say that it was cathartic, but it was just exhausting. I think the situation was exacerbated by a general lack of sleep, but the side effects of the Ozempic played a role.

It’s interesting as I was reading on Reddit and there were other people there struggling with similar feelings. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like a never-ending drudge. Friday – injection night, followed by feeling exhausted and the beginnings of constipation. Then, several days of worsening constipation, heavy feeling in my chest/upper stomach, nasty taste in my mouth/nauseous. By Tuesday/Wednesday, a feeling of being poisoned from the inside/out – no doubt due to the constipation. Wednesday/Thursday, the world falling out of my butt in two excruciating days of diarrhoea and we’re right back to Friday.

Just reading that makes me think it’s a bloody awful way to live.

But then the results are nothing to be sneezed at. I (finally) hit 60 lbs off which is a decent milestone. The stats do not lie in that respect – since the end of November, I have lost 60 lbs, which is roughly 10 lbs a month, which is a nice, slow steady weight loss and not something I can recall having achieved before whilst still eating. But is it worth all of the side effects? Is it worth the recurring feeling that I am trudging through a heavy fog, with nothing to look forward to and seeing no results – not on the scales, but visibly? I need to ask Stripes to take my new monthly face photos but I also think I need to remain in a state of ignorance of how they look. If I were to see them and not see that there’s any difference, I think that would be so detrimental to my mental health.

I saw a video on YouTube where a gentleman (I don’t remember his name) talked about how for a lot of people, life on Ozempic isn’t worth it because they no longer get a dopamine fix from eating – they simply don’t enjoy it any more and it’s making them miserable. And I can relate to that – I might look forward to something, but more often than not by the time I eat it, there is no satisfaction. Even from something small – like a Greek yoghurt or a kiwi fruit (two things that I seem to be craving lately) – there is no real satisfaction. I can recognise that it tastes nice at the time, but generally speaking by the time I’ve finished eating it, I don’t feel good.

Maybe that’s a good thing – in the past, the dopamine fix is part of why I’ve over-eaten. I’ve been enjoying the food so much that I’ve wanted more and more, and lack the self-regulation/will power to be satisfied with a small amount. Perhaps that’s the whole point of drugs like Ozempic – removing that thrill, that delicious taste and making it easier to put the food down. But if we don’t have the joy in the simple things like eating, then where do we get that joy from? What’s life without the simple pleasures? Or is this basically the price I pay in order to lose the weight?

I still haven’t heard anything about the weight loss surgery but I will probably be getting a new telephone appointment with Violet, probably for June so I’m going to let that one fade into the background for now. In good news, and something I feel I should slap myself upside the head for, I finally checked my PIP paperwork and it expires in May 2025. I stressed myself out because I didn’t check something so simple. Even worse, Stripes was worried about finances, etc the same way (her Carer’s Allowance is linked to my PIP) and she didn’t think to check either. So both of us have been stressing about money and the renewal when we have another year. So I can let that go – for now. Who the hell knows where we’ll be in a year’s time and that is 2025 Book’s worry.

The nightmares have been very strong and consistent. Yesterday morning, I woke myself up screaming (or rather, I think Stripes had to wake me up) and it was truly horrific. I dreamed that I killed my dad, and experienced it in epic technicolour. I think it would take a psychologist a little while to unpack all of that but 1) I don’t have a psychologist and 2) it’s extremely unlikely I would be able to get one on the NHS for long enough to work through it all. So, yeah, need to try another strategy. Last night, Stripes suggested putting on a series/film that I know well as something to go to sleep to – similar to the idea that we rewatch films, etc because we know there are going to be no surprises so we can relax. I put on Twilight and apart from getting dragged into it initially and revisiting the fanfiction I wrote based on it, I turned off the lights and went to sleep. I woke up around 6.30 which is pretty darn good and no nightmares. Obviously one night isn’t enough to say it work definitively, but I am going to try again tonight because it was so lovely not to wake up sweating and crying!

Today is a writing day so I’m going to have a look at the bunnies Rowan has posted in our chat. And I have four that I have to get read because the first review is due on 9th of the month. Tomorrow is my diabetes eye test but apart from that, I have nothing planned. Well, I want to start working on the head stuff again but I’ve been saying that for weeks! My new mini goal is to hit 70 lbs off and am hoping that happens by June – let’s go!

Fluctuations and their Implications

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182.2 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I saw 181 yesterday. However, I’m not surprised that the scales went up today as it was Gidget’s birthday yesterday and we had pizza, garlic bread and cupcakes, as well as some jelly beans. So far, my stomach hasn’t rebelled but I did learn a few things about myself. I’ve attached a screenshot of my weigh-ins over the last seven days so I can see the fluctuations and see for myself how things change, most of the time for no explicable reason that I can ascertain.

I managed not to over-eat which was a nice achievement – of course, I did sleep a chunk of the day away so there’s that, but I’ll take the victories where I can. The cupcake was absolutely lovely and it would have been so easy to ask for another one, but I didn’t. And I managed to limit the amount of jelly beans I pilfered from Gidget. All in all, I think control and food-plan wise, the day was a success. I’ve given Gidge my tub of Maom to take with her when she returns to halls, and the rest of the cupcakes are going as well, so temptation has been removed from my path.

I’ll more than likely have the remaining half of my pizza and garlic bread for my meal today, so again, that feels like an achievement. I distinctly remember when I would have polished off an entire medium pizza, half of the garlic bread and cookies and not left myself anything for the next day. I needed to see that written in black and white to recognise it as an achievement but I wonder how long it will take me to internalise that as an achievement?

I’ve been feeling – well, flat may be the best way of describing it and I’m not sure why. The current chapter I’m working on in Mantra is regarding Nutrition so maybe that’s why I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m still not eating ‘well’ by any means, but I do seem to have settled into having one main meal a day, with perhaps a small snack later. I’m not sure that’s a good thing but it does seem to be where my body/brain has decided to settle for the time being.

I had a minor panic when I realised I only had two injections left and I hated the thought of running out. I guess that might be part of what’s going on in my head – the almost constant fear of supply issues making it difficult to settle down and accept that this is it for the foreseeable future. I think I may be due a phone call from Violet soon and I will bring up Zepbound or whatever is the latest semaglutide drug that is easily available, just so I can settle my concerns about it all.

I should be so pleased with myself – I’ve lost 4 stone and am literally a lb away from being under 400 lbs for the first time in well over five years. I guess part of it is the (completely natural) scale fluctuations where I put on/lose half a kilo regularly and then suddenly there’s a proper drop that seems to be constant. Then the cycle begins all over again. And this week, I haven’t experienced ‘the great emptying’, although I don’t think I’m constipated as my stomach isn’t rock hard and I’m not in pain. Maybe my body is accepting the status quo and accepting that this is how things will be for a while?

I think the best thing I can do for myself is try to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep last night – maybe because I had a long nap the day before? – which means that if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up back on a nocturnal schedule which doesn’t help/serve me. It’s too easy in the middle of the night to feel all of these complicated emotions overtake me and feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what the next chapter of Mantra covers but then, shouldn’t I be concentrating on what I’m currently working on rather than worry about what’s coming up next?

I think the last section I did which talked about a support network, having a person to talk to who is slightly more separated from things here would be good. It’s not fair to put everything onto Stripes’ shoulders while she is handling her stuff, but it isn’t easy because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing myself damage/harm trying to work through this Mantra stuff without a counsellor to speak to to help me figure out how I am feeling/handling all of the emotions and turmoil it’s bringing up. But that’s the reality of the situation – I don’t have access to a counsellor, and even if I could get a doctor’s appointment to talk about it, the waiting list is obscene and half the time when you do get to talk to someone, it’s only for six weeks.

And the ever-present fear regarding my PIP coming to an end is growing. I still haven’t received any paperwork from them and I’m wondering if I should call them. But there’s a part of me that wants to hide away and not bring myself to their attention. Of course, that could completely bite me on the ass when June comes around and I get no money because my award has expired. Maybe that should be my goal for this week? Get in touch with the DWP and ask for the paperwork to continue my award? Ugh, sometimes adulting really does suck.

56 lbs off yet not celebrating!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

56 LBS OFF!!! That’s 4 stone or 25.7 kg. Pretty darn good if I say so myself! So I should be celebrating – right?

Yeah, maybe not. My brain can see the number on the scales and can see that I am doing well. But I can’t see any difference – in my body or face, in how I feel, in walking around. Actually, that’s not completely true – it’s easier to stand on the scales which means I am more compact(?) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to balance on them. But that feels like such a small thing. I know that it’s not a small thing, but it feels like it is.

I’ve been doing more Mantra work and oh my God, that shit is hard. Looking at ways in which being SMO protects me – or feels like it protects me – from making the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Never mind that it’s it own kind of prison – somehow I’ve internalised that if I’m fat and disabled, I won’t be considered attractive so I won’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past with men and relationships. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before on here, but I now have an A4 notebook full of the weird workings of my brain. And I want to try to do some more work on it today. Well, want to is a bit of a misnomer, but I do feel like doing it is helping me – even if it’s just seeing how utterly fucked in the head I am.

I have had a better handle on my eating over the last couple of days. I put the little tub of Maom sweets under the bed where it’s difficult for me to reach them and gave the unopened packet to Stripes to take with her when she goes to the pub quiz this week, thereby removing temptation. I’ve been having one meal a day and it’s been strange – I have a horrid taste in my mouth, like old baked beans (sorry but that’s the only thing I can compare it to). My mouth also always feels like it’s full of saliva all the time like I’m about to be sick. Which might explain why I’m only having one meal a day. I have also been having an ice cream bar so I’m not being perfect, but it doesn’t seem to be causing me too much upset so I shall allow myself the treat.

The scales went down to 181.7 the other day which was a bit of a shock, but I’m more than happy to see 182 this morning. I want to count how many weeks I’ve been following Ozempic/Trulicity but it’s roughly 4.5 months that I’ve been doing this.

Woke myself up having a screaming nightmare this morning and struggled out of bed because I just needed to walk it off. Fortunately, Stripes was up feeding the beasties so I got a huge hug which helped a lot. Then I called Marmee and we talked for about 45 minutes and I felt better. 54 years old and still calling my Mummy when I have a bad dream. Who cares, right? I hope I’m still here for my girls when they’re my age if they need me.

Today, I want to do more Mantra work and also write a couple of chapters on some fics. And then I really need to find something to read because I have no ARCs at the moment. I’m going to take the scales as a win, pat myself on the back and get on with it – jab night tonight!

End of March and into Spring

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.1 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Firstly, how the heck have I got ezcema on my eyelids? It is so freaking irritating – I constantly want to be raking at them, which of course makes it worse. I’ve tried eye ointment with no success apart from making my eyes feel greasy. I’ve checked the internet (much easier than trying to get a dr’s appointment) and apparently I can use my hydrocortistone cream 1% or vaseline safely on my eyelids so from tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Shocked to see that the scales have maintained their downward trend – I really thought seeing 183 was a flash in the pan. I should be pleased but instead I’m just kinda confused. I can’t see any real changes. Both Stripes and Grim have told me they can see it in my face, particularly around my jawline, but I just can’t see it.

So, yep hold your breath – here are two photographs of my face side by side.

I never realised how careful I was to not keep any photographs of my face until I tried to find one that I could do a decent side-by-side comparison collage. I finally found one from when I started back in November ‘23 because you could see my whole face, complete with extra chins, etc whereas the latest photos are either upside down (I discovered that taking a photo upside down gave me a very sharp jawline and some cheekbones!), or slanted to such a degree that you can’t see my whole face. Apparently I’m a master of hiding from the camera even whilst taking photos!

I think I can see the difference – I’m pretty sure I can see the difference – but then again, maybe that’s because I’m searching desperately for some visible changes? I know it’s going to take a long, long while before I will see a difference in my body, despite it being over 50 lbs down. But I guess I kinda hoped to see more in my face? I dunno – maybe I’m expecting too much.

Either way, this is the last day of March which means I’ve been doing this whole semaglutide thing for just under six months. It’s definitely working, even if sometimes it feels like I’m only losing weight because I’m pooping it out. I was chatting to a friend and asking if I’ve become one of those evangelical people who have ‘seen the light’ and go on and on about how I am losing weight and she said, yeah, just a little. So I need to be more careful about that because I know just as well as any other fat person that until you’re ready, it doesn’t matter who’s preaching to you about what’s working, it won’t make a blind bit of difference.

I’ve kept down two slices of toast and a small frozen fish pie and am feeling pretty darn perky considering it’s 7 a.m. in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I will definitely be catching a major nap today as Stripes is going out for coffee so I don’t have to feel guilty for being a slug-a-bed and not keeping her company. Actually, I’ve just realised the clocks went forward so to my body, it’s only 6 a.m. so that might explain the perkiness!

I finished yet another one of the ARCs in my TBR pile and have three/four left to read but I am ahead of schedule so have caught up from being ill. I had a shower, did a foot pack, moisturised the bits I could easily find – yep, I think I’m heading into Spring doing relatively the best that I can.

Should I be setting a mini goal for April? I want to lose the next 10% which would take me down to 168 kg, but should there be an interim mini goal? I could aim for 60lbs off I suppose, which would be 27.2 kg – am I aiming too low? Should I say I want to lose 5 kgs in April or just see where things go. I think I’ll revisit this when it’s not ass-o’clock in the morning. And possibly after I’ve had another look at the mantra stuff. I don’t want to inadvertently trip myself up!

10% lost and Happy Mother's Day

10/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to those in the UK – I hope this day brings you love and happiness as well as fond memories. On to the brain-fart stuff.

Well, apparently I was so messed up, I kinda missed a milestone. I was trying to lose my first 10% of my bodyweight, which was 186.93 and I made it at the beginning of March but didn’t notice! So, yeah, I did that!

I’ve re-set the goal, so am now aiming for 168.2 which feels a long way away. The scales have bounced up and down a little since then so the pressure is off (if that makes sense) but it does bring home the fact that the numbers are steadily dropping. I did my injection very early on Friday morning, and once again did approximately half of the dose. I think it’s making a difference to the side effects – I made it through my entire tattoo session without needing the bathroom or gassing the place, so I’m considering that a win.

Friday was a day of what feels like excess which is why I want to try to look at what happened (apart from not taking my injection the day before). Book_grim was here so we had a McDonald’s breakfast together. I had a mega McMuffin meal with a pineapple stick and hot chocolate. It was very tasty but I didn’t finish the pineapple stick so that’s waiting in the fridge for me. Then I had home-made chowder and bread for dinner with a crunchy ice cream bar for dessert. I don’t think I was out of control – I didn’t hoover the McMuffin down and enjoyed the taste of it, and once I realised that I wasn’t enjoying the pineapple stick as much, I stopped eating it and put it into the fridge, Is that too much to eat? I mean, not a good idea to eat it every single day, but is that a lot? I don’t think I massively overate, especially pulling it back and having the soup and bread for dinner. I think I did okay.

Stripes made the soup and it was lovely – thick, filling, tasty, with nice chunks of fish and prawns. It wasn’t heavy at all and I didn’t feel bloated after eating it. I think I also had a few maoms, which admittedly when I had three in one go, I felt the sugar rush. So I need to temper how much of those I eat – they are too easy to eat without thinking about it and then I feel like crap. But other than that, I think I did okay. I keep saying that like I’m trying to convince myself of it and maybe I am.

Stripes let me have the first chapter of the Mantra worksheets but I’m a little bit stuck. First of all, I didn’t really have the energy to get into it, especially when I saw that one of the first things I need to do is ‘name’ my eating disorder so that I can talk about how it makes me feel, etc. Is it laughable that the first name I thought of was Charlie? I mean, how exactly does the name Charlie match something I’ve been fighting for the last three decades? It hardly sounds menacing does it?

I seem to keep waking up around 5 am and not being able to get back to sleep. Which means I’m a dozy mare during the day which is less than ideal. However, this morning I wrote a chapter of my ongoing fic that should have been finished last October as well as did a couple of banners so it wasn’t a waste of time. I need to do some reading as I have an ARC that is due for review pretty soon, but the plan is to have a peaceful, relaxed day reading, playing video games and just chilling. I have a hankering for cheesy beans on toast which apparently may be my Mother’s Day Meal (yay) and strikes me as quite a decent craving to have. Of course, I was putting stuff into the trolley for a food shop and all I could see were masses and masses of Easter eggs. That’s going to be an interesting one to get through – sugar rushes have been absolutely awful whilst on Ozempic, making me feel sick and dizzy – so I know I need to show some restraint when it comes to Easter and all the chocolate.

Hopefully the Ozempic will help me handle that – as well as doing the work with the Mantra stuff. Which I need to stop putting off and just get my head down and do it. I don’t have any appointments this week so I have decided that working on Mantra is going to be a priority, as well as finally taking some freaking photos so that I can see my progress. I really want to do it, even if I have to ask Stripes to hide them from me because I hate photographs of me so damned much!