Cough, Cough, Whoops!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151 | IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been sick on and off ever since the surgery. This past week, I have been struggling with a wracking cough that has grown progressively worse. I was planning on trying to get a doctor’s appointment to discuss my blood test results anyway but got kinda derailed as Book_grim already had an appointment booked which meant Stripes wouldn’t be available to help me.

Anyhow, things got worse over the course of the day on Thursday and I ended up filling in the form on NHS 111 Direct. They then called and asked a few questions and then said I needed to go to the Urgent Care Treatment Centre over in West Bromwich to be seen, just to be sure.

We pre-booked a TOA cab and made sure to say any car, and to be fair, it did turn up on time. We got there just a little after 8.30pm (the appointment time we were given was 8.30) and didn’t have to wait long to be seen. I feel a little chastised because he asked me a couple of times why I hadn’t gone to my Doctor about the cough previously – he was right, the girls were right, they were all right – I should have tried to get in with the doctor much sooner.

Anyway, he reckons it’s a chest infection so has prescribed antibiotics and steroids, with the strict warning that if things get worse over the weekend I am to go to A&E. Stripes and I also had a bit of a chat about how worried she and Book_grim have been about me with the light-headedness, not being able to catch my breath, etc and we decided we needed a code word for when someone wasn’t allowed to brush things off and had to take them seriously. Pterodactyl. Hopefully, we won’t have to use it in the foreseeable future.

Book_grim is off to Asda today (yes, I stayed up all night but my chest really hurts and this cough is driving me insane) and said she will pick up my prescription. I feel rotten because in the back of my mind I’m worrying about whether she’ll forget to pick it up or has some other issue. She doesn’t like the pharmacy next to the Doctor’s surgery because the people there aren’t very nice, so I can’t really ask her to go there instead.

In between acting as Patient Advocate for both me and Book_grim, Stripes made some protein cheesecakes. I believe she used this recipe here as a base, then used sugar free digestive biscuits to make the base. She used two different toppings: maple syrup on some and salted caramel sauce on some others, whilst she left a few blank. The whole recipe made 8 cheesecakes using the old GLU fancy yoghurt jars that Book_grim used to get as a treat!

They definitely have the texture of cheesecake but they weren’t mega-flavourful and definitely not what I would call sweet, which is odd because Stripes felt like she had to add a lot of granulated sweetener. We’re going to experiment with that – we have skinny syrups, peanut butter powder and various protein powders to play with. Very filling and counts as a full meal even though it’s around 171 kcal per portion with 11.3 g of protein – actually less calories than the ones from MyProtein. Next time, we might try using cottage cheese instead of Greek yoghurt, but I don’t recall ever having cottage cheese before and am a little unsure about the texture. I say next time We but it was Stripes doing all of the work! I imagine she looked a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, slaving away on these new recipes!

We’ve booked the restaurant for Book_grim’s 21st birthday lunch with Mom, Vee and Shar, and The Oldest is travelling up to be there too!! It would be nice if Book_grim would give me a clue what she actually wants for her birthday, but there are a couple of birthdays ahead of hers so I can nag them first. And of course, there is Mother’s Day later this month and I need to figure out what to get for someone who insists they don’t want anything but would pout for a decade if we didn’t get her at least a little something!

Since it’s nearly 8 am, I might as well stay awake and see if I can get a Doctor's appointment for the cholesterol thing, just to make sure I’m on top of everything. And then I plan to spend the day sleeping, reading ARCs and playing with WordPress!

First Official Dietetics Appointment

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 153.6| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Well the day finally arrived for my first dietetics appointment. We booked our taxi ahead of time because we needed one that would hold my wheelchair and it was there, which was excellent. It was a good thing that we decided to bring my wheelchair because when we arrived at the hospital, there wasn’t a single wheelchair in sight. Finding the place we needed to go wasn’t too bad, but we did have to go through a building, then back outside, walk up a hill, then down a small hill to get there. I pushed the wheelchair and walked behind it up the hill and I definitely feel like I did my cardio for the day.

When we arrived, we were told that I would be weighed then have bloods taken, which we were pleased with as it meant we wouldn’t have to wait after the group meeting for that. I weighed in wearing my boots (she took off 2kg for them) and their scales said the same as mine did this morning which was nice. After that, we joined the queue of people waiting for bloods and realised that they must be there for the same thing as me. It was weird because I was pretty sure I was the biggest person there but Stripes said that I wasn’t. I dunno – it felt weird knowing these people were in a group with me who had had their surgery around the same time. Like knowing what they were going through without actually knowing them.

Then I went in to the group meeting. Immediately I stood out because I was the only one with a bottle of water and the only one taking notes. I felt like the class swot. There was a woman there who had had her surgery back in October but had missed two appointments so this was the first meeting she was attending. I must admit, I found her a bit irritating – she just kept going on and on about how much she missed eating whatever she wanted, then was chatting to people whilst the dietician Gary was trying to talk. Next on my bingo card was a gentleman who talked – a lot. Unfortunately, I couldn’t follow his accent very well so a lot of what he said I didn’t understand. I think he was either Scottish or Irish, but his accent was strong. One thing he said that resonated with me was how he lost a chunk of weight straight after the operation, then nothing for about two weeks, then dropped another 5 lbs then nothing since. His loss was on a par with mine so I didn’t feel like such an epic failure.

Gary said that it was perfectly normal, that some people had a linear weight loss whilst others had regular stalls and plateaus and not to worry about it. Basically, he said to aim for a minimum of 60g of protein per day and 2 l of low calories liquids. As we get accustomed to the sleeve, our calories should automatically rise until we’re between 800 and 1600 per day. I asked him if my calories were too low (they average between 400 – 600) and he said that they are a little low and to try to increase them gradually but make sure I ‘listen’ to my body and take it slowly, so that was reassuring.

I’m allowed to begin light exercise like walking, stretching yoga and the resistance bands, but again to listen to my body. No heavy lifting until at least 8 weeks after surgery. If I feel any pain or major discomfort, then stop and wait a few days before trying again. I need to check whether or not I have been taking the ADCAL D3 which I believe is a lifelong thing for vitamin D and if I’m not taking that, then I need to start. A letter will go to us and our GPs outlining the meds were should be taking and the schedule for the intramuscular B12 injections that we are meant to get every three months.

From now on, our appointments will be 1-1 with a dietician and they can take place over the telephone as they are aware what a pain it is to get to the hospital as parking is atrocious. After that, it was over and Stripes and I made our way back to the main entrance and ordered our taxi. This is where things went wrong. We went through the same company that we had booked in the morning and ordered the cab at 15.46. At 16.16, I tried calling to find out if there was a problem but we were left on hold for so long, I hung up. We contemplated ordering an Uber but weren’t sure if they would send one that would hold my wheelchair, so called the company again. Got through this time and they told us it would be another 30 minutes wait. So over an hour.

We were not best pleased but didn’t really have a choice. So it cost me £60 in taxi fees today and over an hour of waiting. I really hope we don’t have any more appointments at that hospital because I don’t think I could cope.

I’m home, writing this up and then I’m calling it a day. This blog is going to have to count as my writing day as I feel completely wiped out. Stripes is pretty exhausted too – I wouldn’t have coped with today without her. Book_grim is going out to play Music Bingo at Barb’s with the new man-friend, Luke, and (hopefully) her friend Dani and her partner. So a nice peaceful evening is planned and I will probably have an early night. Maybe watch some NCIS or 1000 lbs Sisters as we’re on the last season so have caught up with them.

I think I am reassured regarding the weight loss – obviously it would be lovely to be dropping 20 lbs every other week, but it doesn’t look like my body agrees so I’m just going to take it slow and steady.

I had some non-scale victories today. My stripes boxers that I ordered in a size 5 xl that were more than a little snug now fit nicely; the bra that was a little tight just before the operation I had to go in one on the hooks and eyes and could quite easily have moved in another notch; leggings fit with wrinkles as there was so much space in them. Also, the chocolate brown coat from SimplyBe felt huge and too hot, but once we were outside it was absolutely heavenly! I felt toasty warm apart from my hands (I ordered gloves from Home Bargains so hopefully that will deal with that!) and it was definitely a good buy.

Back to going solo and taking it one meal at a time!

Pre-Op Diet Day 26 and trip to hospital

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 164.1 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 26

Surgery Countdown⟫ 02 days

Only slept for a couple of hours last night, so getting up at 8.30 was hard. I always forget how long it takes to get to the hospital – we’re going to allow about on hour on Thursday just to be safe.

Bloods went well – the phlebotomist was from Slovakia and we were chatting about her going back to visit her mother while she got the job done. Pleased that I didn’t pass out (I did yesterday walking back from the bathroom – whoops) and then we were in a very nice Mercedes Benz E Class for the trip home. I dozed on the way there, Stripes dozed on the way back.

Book_grim is trying to organise an AirTasker to come and deep-clean the kitchen before I come back from the hospital. None of us have experience setting up something like this, but I think it’s a good thing because it will keep her busy and get the kitchen properly cleaned which would give us a solid base to work from. We’re going to try to sort it properly tomorrow, as well as packing.

Once we got home, we did our Squardle, etc and then my Zhu Zhu set that I got for £7 on eBay turned up. Had a bit of fun watching the various cats enjoying watching the mechanical mouse running around – at the moment, I would say that Dmi likes it the most, but if I remember correctly, Lucifer used to like killing them and presenting them to Stripes so it could get interesting.

I went for a nap that turned into a four hour sleep. I had a shake and a cup of marigold bouillon before settling down and my stomach. I received a reply from NewYou where they apologised, escalated the complaint to Parcelforce and have sent out a duplicate order using a different delivery company. So maybe I’ll have soups tomorrow – fingers crossed!

Getting seriously pissed at the scales – I mean, wtaf?! I’m having three shakes a day and water and/or tea, how the hell are the numbers not diving downwards? I need to stop thinking about it because it’s causing me some anxiety – what if they turn me away because I haven’t met their goal? Ugh.

Missed a call from the bariatric dietician team, which I can only assume is in response to the email we sent back around the 18th of the month. I can’t believe it took them this long to call back, but maybe they thought if it was urgent I’d keep going? I need to remind myself that they are dealing with a lot of people whereas my thoughts/problems are just about me, so I need to advocate for myself. I guess it doesn’t matter now but I will bear it in mind for the future.

Everything is getting a little bit more – urgent is the wrong word but, things on the surgery tracking spreadsheet are becoming more ‘need to get done’ rather than ‘think about looking into’. Stripes just removed all of the Metformin from my medicine organiser as I have to stop taking them at least a day before surgery. I’ve charged up my portable charger bank so I can use it for my phone – just added that to my packing list. Watched a YouTube video of a woman who had a sleeve done in Turkey and she went through what she packed so I sent it to the girls. She said they don’t allow you to get your incisions wet whilst you’re in hospital so no showers, which means the spritz deodorant that Book_grim got me in her care package will come in very handy to help me not feel too gross afterwards.

Only one more shake to have today and I might have another bouillon as that seemed to make my stomach happy. Pretty good going for a Monday – signing off.

Telling the world but not my family..

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 169.8 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Hmm, I’m in a bit of a weird head-space.

I found out yesterday that my mother told one of my sisters about the surgery. Now, that shouldn’t be a big deal but I wasn’t planning on telling family (as in those who live outside the area and I don’t see from year to year) until much closer to the date. Not sure why – I’m not ashamed of having the surgery, but I guess I just wanted to keep it to myself? Which sounds absolutely bizarre when I’ve put it up onto the internet for all to see/find if they so choose, but I guess that’s what it’s about – me choosing who finds out or is told. The thing is, once you tell one person, the rest is out of your control and this shouldn’t be a big deal but it kinda is.

My family is a little strange, well at least I think so. We don’t meet up very often – it tends to be for big birthdays for the matriarch more than anything. However, like many families, there is a lot of gossip. I know stuff about siblings that I’m pretty sure they never wanted me to know. But the difference is, I don’t say anything to them about it – I might know but that doesn’t mean I feel free to discuss it openly. And now I’m wondering who else has been told and what they’re saying about me. Which isn’t my business – what other people think of me and what I’m doing is none of my business as long as they don’t get all up in my business.

Not sure I’m making a lot of sense.

I don’t think there’s any point in saying anything to my Mother about it. I know she won’t have done it maliciously but I can’t help but feel hurt. Like, I talked to her about my fears about leaving the girls behind, all of the things that could potentially go wrong with the surgery. We talked about my failed marriages, my return to my home city – or rather, she talked and I listened and tried to understand what was behind it all. My mother is not very emotional – she loves me and I know it; she’s proud of me and I know it; if I ever need money I know she would find a way to help me, no question. But she’s not emotional – not normally.

But she cried. And I don’t know how to help her feel better about everything. I know she looks at my life and wonders what went wrong – what happened. I used to be a go-getter (her words) and ever since I returned to my home city, she feels that I’ve basically buried myself alive in my house. I don’t visit people, I don’t go out, I call once a week to chat but don’t tell her much about myself.

The thing is, I know she hates my life. She hates what being fat has done to me; she doesn’t understand the mental health issues I have and struggles because for her generation, it was just kinda stiff upper lip and deal with things. And chronic illness with no definitive diagnosis makes things worse – she’s fighting against the desire to say just snap out of it. But I know that’s part of what is going through her mind. She’s watched me lose and regain hundreds of pounds over the years and to a large extent, can’t understand why I can’t just stick with a diet and lose the weight. She knows what the media says about Ozempic and the like; kinda understands that for some people it’s not as simple as eat less and exercise more, but she also can’t help holding on to that mentality because that’s what she knows. She’s had her own struggles with weight loss and succeeded on Weight Watchers, but is also currently struggling to keep her weight down.

Maybe it’s as simple as wanting to let people know my own way, in my own time. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out and have called myself a snowflake, a wuss, over-sensitive. But I don’t think I am actually any of those things – I think I just wanted agency over my own story. I’m not going to reach a point of happiness about this because I keep wondering who else knows, who else is judging me, who else is going to be watching to see if I fail – all of those people who have done and said nothing over the years whilst I’ve struggled with weight, loss, all of it. God this is all such a mind-fuck!

Normalcy – went to hospital today for pre-op blood tests, blood pressure, etc.. Was actually really peaceful – not a lot of people on the roads so early in the morning and we were seen pretty much immediately. In fact, we were done and outside again twenty minutes after our appointment time so all good. The best thing? Their scales show the same as mine – if I leaned too far to the right, it showed 170kg but leaning to the left turned it to 169.8kg so that’s what we went with! So I’m officially in the 160s which is nice.

Jab day and it was painful I – I’m not sure why but I really felt it today and was not impressed. Maybe I need to use a different site than my arm?

So, to end on a positive note, I have a couple of NSV – getting in and out of the Uber was easier and doing up the seatbelts in the backseat wasn’t a big deal.

I think I’m gonna try to get some sleep and put all of this out of my head!

It's Me, Hi - I'm the Problem, It's Me

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.9 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I’m a mess.

I had my pre-op assessment with the anaethetist yesterday and generally speaking, it went well. The journey wasn’t too awful – probably because the appointment was at 11 a.m. so we missed peak traffic times. I had height and weight measurements taken and was pleased that even wearing my boots I weighed less than a kilo more than my scales at home say. Which reassures me that they are correct and that I am on the right track. (Imagine if I was naked on them what I would weigh!)

Swabs in nose and groin (didn’t expect the second one) plus an ECG, bloods and blood pressure and we waited to meet the anaethetist. The nurse who did all of this asked if I had received my surgery date yet and I had to say no. We were asked about this three times all in all, with each person being surprised that we didn’t have that information yet.

The anaethetist was a nice guy, very clear in what he was explaining. He was impressed with my weight loss since I spoke to the surgeon and asked me questions about Ozempic with an open mind which I appreciated. He checked my blood sugars through my patient record at the surgery as apparently none of them had copied over to the hospital database, which was a little concerning, but he was more than happy with the results he got to look at. He asked if we had any questions, explained what medications I would have to stop before the surgery, how pain relief worked afterwards and everything – he was very efficient and friendly. So all systems go on that side.

I can’t help but feel that the reason we haven’t received my surgery date is that it is out of the scope of Violet’s influence. I know she has been pushing things for me which is why these appointments took place, but the fact that everyone seemed to think I should have received my surgery date by now was disconcerting and worrying. But again, nothing I can do about that but keep on doing what I’m doing – any weight I can lose between now and when I hear that date can only be for the good.

So why am I all the way fucked up? I had nightmares on Sunday night about Monday and no matter how much I told myself that it was just a meeting with some basic tests being undertaken, it plagued my dreams. Yesterday evening I went to sleep earlyish (for me) and proceeded to have literal fighting, screaming nightmares. Existential bullshit nightmares about wrong decisions I have made in my life and how it affects the people I care about. Fears about the surgery and how, with my luck, something may go wrong. Like, death or even worse (perhaps) something going awry and me being alive but unable to do anything for myself and becoming more of a burden than I already am. It was rough and I feel like such a dick because Stripes is the one who had to talk me down from the terrors and listen to me spewing out all of my fears and negativity when she has so much of her own stuff to deal with.

I feel like shit but I can’t seem to shake the darkness that is swallowing me up. It’s like a non-stop reel of negativity in my head and every single time I close my eyes, all I can see is all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt, the people who have hurt me. And I need it to stop because its driving me absolutely insane.

I thought I had learned a little about not eating my feelings but yesterday I ordered pizza, with doughballs and cookies from Domino’s. Even though I know what a bad decision it is whilst on Ozempic. Admittedly, I ate half of my pizza, about four doughballs and a cookie and that was pretty much all that I did eat. But how can I have learned nothing about what food like that does to me? About why I turn to food like that? How can I even contemplate weight loss surgery when something that went well sends me diving for the uber eats app and stuffing my face?

I ended up not going back to sleep because I couldn’t face the nightmares so here I am, on about four hours sleep, feeling like shit and wishing I could shut my brain down. Just for a little while. I know that half a pizza, doughballs and a cookie aren’t that bad – not that any food should be considered bad in and of itself – but I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t stop myself from doing what I usually do. And I wish it wasn’t affecting Stripes – it’s so not fair when she’s putting in the work to handle her own shit and having to shoulder mine as well.

I’ve booked myself in for my birthday tattoo this Thursday and paid the full amount so no matter how I’m feeling mentally, I have to go – I can’t afford to lose that money. And having written all of this down and done a book review, I’m going to try to get my head down. I’ve asked Stripes if I can look at the Mantra worksheets she has been using from her eating disorder meetings to see if they can help me. I know that they are difficult as they make you face things you may not be ready to face, but I need to put in the work so that when the surgery date does arrive, I am as ready and prepared as I can be.

And I admitted to myself that I haven’t been vaping my medicinal cannabis because I didn’t want to smell of weed and have the people at the hospital judge me for it. It’s stupid – it’s prescribed medicine, it helps me sleep and handle the pain in my knees, etc but I judged myself and doubted what I was doing and whether I should be doing it, and for the last week I haven’t used it at all. And maybe that has something to do with the night terrors/nightmares, especially how vivid they have been – I think I read somewhere that very lucid dreams can be a side-effect of coming off of cannabis so might need to do a little research into that. But it’s ridiculous and I need to get a grip.