56 lbs off yet not celebrating!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

56 LBS OFF!!! That’s 4 stone or 25.7 kg. Pretty darn good if I say so myself! So I should be celebrating – right?

Yeah, maybe not. My brain can see the number on the scales and can see that I am doing well. But I can’t see any difference – in my body or face, in how I feel, in walking around. Actually, that’s not completely true – it’s easier to stand on the scales which means I am more compact(?) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to balance on them. But that feels like such a small thing. I know that it’s not a small thing, but it feels like it is.

I’ve been doing more Mantra work and oh my God, that shit is hard. Looking at ways in which being SMO protects me – or feels like it protects me – from making the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Never mind that it’s it own kind of prison – somehow I’ve internalised that if I’m fat and disabled, I won’t be considered attractive so I won’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past with men and relationships. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before on here, but I now have an A4 notebook full of the weird workings of my brain. And I want to try to do some more work on it today. Well, want to is a bit of a misnomer, but I do feel like doing it is helping me – even if it’s just seeing how utterly fucked in the head I am.

I have had a better handle on my eating over the last couple of days. I put the little tub of Maom sweets under the bed where it’s difficult for me to reach them and gave the unopened packet to Stripes to take with her when she goes to the pub quiz this week, thereby removing temptation. I’ve been having one meal a day and it’s been strange – I have a horrid taste in my mouth, like old baked beans (sorry but that’s the only thing I can compare it to). My mouth also always feels like it’s full of saliva all the time like I’m about to be sick. Which might explain why I’m only having one meal a day. I have also been having an ice cream bar so I’m not being perfect, but it doesn’t seem to be causing me too much upset so I shall allow myself the treat.

The scales went down to 181.7 the other day which was a bit of a shock, but I’m more than happy to see 182 this morning. I want to count how many weeks I’ve been following Ozempic/Trulicity but it’s roughly 4.5 months that I’ve been doing this.

Woke myself up having a screaming nightmare this morning and struggled out of bed because I just needed to walk it off. Fortunately, Stripes was up feeding the beasties so I got a huge hug which helped a lot. Then I called Marmee and we talked for about 45 minutes and I felt better. 54 years old and still calling my Mummy when I have a bad dream. Who cares, right? I hope I’m still here for my girls when they’re my age if they need me.

Today, I want to do more Mantra work and also write a couple of chapters on some fics. And then I really need to find something to read because I have no ARCs at the moment. I’m going to take the scales as a win, pat myself on the back and get on with it – jab night tonight!