Stop the world, I want to get off

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 179.5 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Oh my poor brain! Seriously, like can I get a break!

Okay, so good note: no sitting down bawling for apparently no reason. So, a step up from last weekend.

Bad note: my head is still all over the place and the fucking scales are just not moving. I know that I’ve gone down into the 170s, which is a cause for celebration, but overall last week I barely lost a kilo. Like – I had some really bad upset stomachs in there, didn’t eat masses (including no take out all week) and I’ve tried to up my water. So what gives? Why haven’t the scales gone plummeting down? I feel like crap for not loving more than that – like, most of the reason this feels worthwhile with all of the side effects is because of the weight loss. So – no weight loss, do I want to carry on?

Actually, thinking about it, it seems like every entry to this is going on about whether or not I want to carry on taking Ozempic. What’s the reality? Well, I can’t see me going off of it any time soon – unless my surgery date comes through. Because this is the first time I have lost this amount of weight in so long and it seems to be staying off (generally) and who am I to turn my nose up at that kind of success? I’m nowhere near maintenance but I can see how staying on a low dosage of Ozempic would ensure the ability to keep the weight off and keep numbers balanced. So, no I’m not really planning on turning my back on the whole semaglutide thing.

I should be getting bloods done soon which will be interesting. My A1C numbers were around 53 – 56 last time I had them checked, so borderline rather than in the ‘red’, and Violet was happy with the numbers so that’s a good thing. It would be amazing if the numbers went down this year even if it’s just in reaction to me losing some weight.

New mini goal: 30 kilos off. No idea when I want that to be, although obviously next week would be absolutely amazing! But yeah – that seems like a sensible mini goal – I can’t quite remember what I said I wanted as my newest mini goal last time so this will supersede that I guess!

I have two ARCs that I have to read today as the reviews are due tomorrow and I’m just not feeling it. It’s not even as if I’m not looking forward to reading them – well, one of them at least – I just feel wrung out and fed up and just fucking tired of all of it. My head is jammed full of stuff, I feel over-sensitive and almost angsty, and I just want to say stop the world and let me get off. Let me have a night off from food worries, stomach upsets and concerns about weight, life, the girls – all of it. I just want to STOP. But the world doesn’t work like that, so instead I shall settle down with the two books I need to read and get them done and write the reviews, try to choose well when it comes to food, and remember that this too shall pass – I can cope with this, I will survive. And if I kill someone, all of this stuff I’ve written here might be used as mitigating circumstances!

56 lbs off yet not celebrating!

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 182 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

56 LBS OFF!!! That’s 4 stone or 25.7 kg. Pretty darn good if I say so myself! So I should be celebrating – right?

Yeah, maybe not. My brain can see the number on the scales and can see that I am doing well. But I can’t see any difference – in my body or face, in how I feel, in walking around. Actually, that’s not completely true – it’s easier to stand on the scales which means I am more compact(?) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to balance on them. But that feels like such a small thing. I know that it’s not a small thing, but it feels like it is.

I’ve been doing more Mantra work and oh my God, that shit is hard. Looking at ways in which being SMO protects me – or feels like it protects me – from making the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Never mind that it’s it own kind of prison – somehow I’ve internalised that if I’m fat and disabled, I won’t be considered attractive so I won’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past with men and relationships. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before on here, but I now have an A4 notebook full of the weird workings of my brain. And I want to try to do some more work on it today. Well, want to is a bit of a misnomer, but I do feel like doing it is helping me – even if it’s just seeing how utterly fucked in the head I am.

I have had a better handle on my eating over the last couple of days. I put the little tub of Maom sweets under the bed where it’s difficult for me to reach them and gave the unopened packet to Stripes to take with her when she goes to the pub quiz this week, thereby removing temptation. I’ve been having one meal a day and it’s been strange – I have a horrid taste in my mouth, like old baked beans (sorry but that’s the only thing I can compare it to). My mouth also always feels like it’s full of saliva all the time like I’m about to be sick. Which might explain why I’m only having one meal a day. I have also been having an ice cream bar so I’m not being perfect, but it doesn’t seem to be causing me too much upset so I shall allow myself the treat.

The scales went down to 181.7 the other day which was a bit of a shock, but I’m more than happy to see 182 this morning. I want to count how many weeks I’ve been following Ozempic/Trulicity but it’s roughly 4.5 months that I’ve been doing this.

Woke myself up having a screaming nightmare this morning and struggled out of bed because I just needed to walk it off. Fortunately, Stripes was up feeding the beasties so I got a huge hug which helped a lot. Then I called Marmee and we talked for about 45 minutes and I felt better. 54 years old and still calling my Mummy when I have a bad dream. Who cares, right? I hope I’m still here for my girls when they’re my age if they need me.

Today, I want to do more Mantra work and also write a couple of chapters on some fics. And then I really need to find something to read because I have no ARCs at the moment. I’m going to take the scales as a win, pat myself on the back and get on with it – jab night tonight!

Feelings - nothing more than feelings....

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 183.6 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

WARNING – ANGRY VENT AHEAD

It’s 8.30 in the morning and I can’t sleep – haven’t slept all night – because my mind is racing. So I thought the best thing that I could do is try to write all of the thoughts out of my head so that I can finally get some sleep. Warning, there may be profanity included.

I fucking hate Easter. Like – utterly detest it. Not for religious reasons or anything like that, but plain and simple because of the sheer amount of chocolate and sweets that surround the whole holiday. It feels like it’s impossible to avoid them – they’re on all of the adverts, buses, billboards – just masses of photos of delicious chocolate that is meant to be a little treat.

And it’s for selfish reasons. I know all about the idea of willpower and just saying no. I get that – I know lots of people enjoy Easter for lots of reasons that don’t have anything to do with chocolate or hot cross buns.

But it’s so fucking hard – and after Easter, it gets harder because all of this chocolate is suddenly half price off! It should be simple, right – just don’t buy the chocolate and you won’t fall prey to its’ evil clutches. But the sheer fact that some people can just not when it comes to chocolate boggles my mind. Even with Ozempic, all of that chocolate around is such an incredible temptation.

I distinctly remember arguing with someone over the whole ‘eat less, move more’ attitude towards dieting. This was years ago and I can’t even remember who it was, although I’m pretty sure I’ve had similar conversations with more than one person. I asked them if they would take an alcoholic to the pub or just tell a heroin addict not to shoot up and them saying it’s not the same thing. I replied that’s it’s harder because you can’t just give up eating. You have to face your addiction every single day, several times a day. And willpower isn’t infinite and it isn’t enough. If it was as simple as ‘eat less, move more’, the diet industry wouldn’t be making billions every year.

I ate about three large Easter eggs over the course of the last two weeks and if I’m being completely honest, I could have happily eaten more. Not necessarily because I wanted it – Ozempic has definitely dealt with food cravings quite efficiently. But because it represents a treat, something nice and a little special that everyone can have. But I can’t have it because I have so little self-control – a small piece of chocolate never feels like it’s enough, I always want more. Food – the dopamine fix from it – is still very much part of me and I don’t know quite how to handle it. But I know that I need to because Ozempic is only a tool – it won’t fix me, or stop me too much.

I can still eat too much. And especially chocolate and sweets, and some fatty foods like MacDonalds. I pay for it with the digestive issues and the stomach upset and the burst piles – but when I’m thinking with my emotional head on, all of those things don’t matter. Whether its’ because I want to hide from how I’m feeling, whether I feel like I deserve a reward for something ‘good’ that I’ve done, or I’m panicking about how much weight I’ve already lost (will it keep coming off? What if it does keep coming off – how will I hide if I lose the weight?!) – chocolate and sweet things all ‘help’ with those feelings/thoughts. It’s a temporary and destructive solution that I know I need to work on, but God, it’s so fucking hard.

I know people are trying to be nice when they buy me chocolate, sweets or other food. And it feels rude to say thanks but no thanks because often people are trying to show that they have thought about me – acts of service, gifts, food – all ways to show love. So saying no thank you feels like I’m rejecting affection, which I’m not. But how do I say nicely ‘don’t feed me your love, show it to me in other ways’? Do I have the right to say that to people? Isn’t that making my issue somehow their issue?

See what I mean about all of the insane thoughts racing through my head – its no wonder I haven’t been able to sleep. I talked to Stripes about it last night, and that helped a little. But unfortunately I think this is something ingrained in me that I am going to have to winkle out over time. Whether it’s by writing letters to the main culprits (never sending them because who needs that much negativity out in the world and you can never tell how someone is going to respond) or accepting the gift and giving it away immediately – I have to get a handle on this.

I’ve asked that no one in my immediate circle offer/buy/give me chocolate, sweets or cake for the foreseeable future unless I specifically ask for it. Anyone outside of that circle shouldn’t really have a reason to offer me anything – my birthday was a couple of months ago, Mother’s Day has been and gone – the next celebration is Eldest Daughter’s birthday but fortunately that’s nearly 200 miles away and even I would have a problem trying to get my hands on birthday cake from that far!

I feel like I need to get a handle on my eating. I don’t know if I’ve just got used to the whole Ozempic feeling, but the lack of hunger doesn’t seem to be as ‘present’ as it used to be. Which is where doing the work comes in – where the whole using Ozempic as a tool whilst I revamp my eating and exercise habits comes in. Ozempic, weight loss surgery – none of that is going to fix me. I need to put in the work to fix myself. Which probably means doing more Mantra work and that’s a whole different vent.