End of January 2025

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151.9| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Closing down the month and really not sure how I’m feeling. Mainly disappointed I guess. I’m sick - again. Sniffles, bad cough and an upset stomach. The upset stomach might be because I’ve been adding sugar free syrups to my protein pudding and possibly the maltitol has got me – I won’t have one today and see what’s happening. Apart from the hospital, I haven’t been anywhere this month to catch another leurgy and Book_grim hasn’t been to work this week, so no idea where I got this one. Le sigh, I guess it is what it is.

Overall, I’ve lost 3.8 kg this month which is a disappointment. I know I shouldn’t complain – I am losing weight but I can’t help but wish it was happening faster. I want to take some photos tomorrow as the first of the month but I don’t have much hope for seeing any real progress. I was reading some posts on Reddit and a couple of people said that you lose the fat around your organs before you lose visceral fat but I’m not sure that applies to me because of losing the 100 lbs before surgery. Either way, sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have just stuck with Ozempic.

I know my perceptions are tainted by watching things like My 600lbs Life where they easily drop 30 – 50 lbs a month, as well as the fact that they are starting at a much higher weight than me but it’s still a bit disheartening. In a bizarre attempt to make me be logical (does she even know me?!) Jay reminded me of three things:

1 - that's over 8lbs

2 - you don't weigh anywhere near 600lb

3 - you have limited mobility

So, yes, she’s right about all of those things but my brain refuses to hear any of them because I think I just want to sulk before I get back to sticking to the rules and letting it work for me.

Book_grim was in a lot of pain this morning, so I suggested muscle rub, an electric blanket and a heat pack, painkillers and finally getting stoned so that she can fall asleep. Possibly not typical maternal advice, but hopefully she’ll wake up later feeling a bit better.

I got a chunk of sleep again last night. Went to sleep around 10.30 and woke up around 7.45 when my stomach upset made me get up, so I’m wide awake when the rest of the house is fast asleep! I’ve already done my squardle, posted my monthly book reviews and am now contemplating adding to the story I started yesterday. I don’t think it’s going to be a long one – I don’t think I have a long fic in me at the moment – but it’s nice to be feeling creative again.

Right, let me see if I can get another chapter out and then I might return to the fiendish jigsaw – we made good progress on it yesterday and I think it might be finished by the end of the weekend!

Time for a catch up!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 152.3| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Blimey, it’s definitely time for a catch up!

Home stuff first. We have a leak coming through the bathroom ceiling – it seems to be coming from upstairs’ bathroom, isn’t steady or regular but we did get someone from the council out to have a look. I need to check with Stripes to find out what the guy said but I do know he spoke to the people upstairs who were apparently not very nice to him! Something about their bathtub seal needing to be redone. We’ll have to see.

The pump in the shower stopped working, and just so happened to do so whilst I was rinsing out natural black hair-dye! So the shower stall was full of murky dark purple water and we used quite a few towels mopping it up. A guy from the council came to have a look, then said he’d be back as he was an electrician and it looked like a job for a plumber. He did come back and they said they think the drain needs to be flushed through because the pump seems to be working, so we’re waiting on another appointment for that. Stripes managed to mop up the main floor so the bathroom is still useable but it’s a pain in the butt.

I dyed my hair – it was meant to be natural black but for some reason has come out a deep purple colour! Stripes said I should just accept that obviously my hair is meant to be purple, but I am a little disappointed. It would have been interesting to see what I looked like with dark, natural coloured hair.

The scales are moving downwards so, so slowly but I have reached a new low of 152.3. I did see 151 something on the scales but it didn’t last so I won’t count it. Since surgery, I have lost over 12 kg, which sounds impressive but I am more than a little disappointed. It’s not even 2 stone and it’s been over two months now. I know I should be pleased because the weight is coming off but I can’t help but wish for a faster rate of loss.

Following a recommendation at the group hospital meeting I went to last week, I have been drinking Vimto Protein powder and it seems to be helping me up my protein. Stripes has gone to Home Bargains and is meant to be getting me a couple of tubs of some protein powder from up there: tropical flavour and also blackcurrant, which was the bargain price of £14.99, so that could be good. I’ve also been eating Asda’s white fish fillet in cheese sauce for dinner. A whole one is a bit too much, which I discovered because I pushed too far (i.e.. kept eating after the burping started) and felt like my chest was constricted. I’m pleased that I’m beginning to read the signs that I am reaching my limits but man, it’s a tough lesson sometimes.

My daily meals look something like this:

Breakfast: Babybel light x 2, string cheese

Dinner: Fish fillet with mushrooms

Snacks: Protein pudding with dark espresso chocolate sugar free syrup, followed by another couple of cheeses if I’m still feeling peckish later.

I’m averaging between 500 and 800 calories a day, so I have managed to get them up since the hospital visit. I’ve had porridge or scrambled eggs a couple of days, but generally I don’t seem to be able to manage three meals per day. I think that I need to be eating a little more and also more regularly and then maybe the weight loss might speed up? It’s just difficult to do AND get my water in, hence going for protein water.

I’m back onto paracetamol in tablet form although sometimes it feels like it get stuck. It also means I’ve been able to start taking my aspirin again, as well as my propranolol. I’m only managing to get three sets of meds in during the day instead of four, but it’s a step in the right direction of returning to normal so I’m pleased with that. I’ve been struggling with a threatening migraine all week, but so far it hasn’t manifested fully. I can’t even blame the stress of stuff around the house because it started before all of that happened.

Book_grim isn’t well – totm has been extremely painful this month, with severe pain, heavy bleeding and fatigue, and she looks pale af. She hasn’t been able to go to work and this morning, I managed the miracle of getting her a doctor’s appointment – face to face. He has prescribed her some slightly heavier duty painkillers instead of ibuprofen or paracetamol, and he’s arranging for her to have an ultrasound. I’m a bit worried – we have a history of endometriosis and fibroids in the family, and I know one of my sisters ended up having a hysterectomy for her fibroids, so I’m hoping it’s nothing that serious.

Stripes bought me a jigsaw puzzle which is driving me insane. It’s a glorious picture of a bumble bee amongst some sunflowers, but it’s kinda circular instead of rectangular, and the pieces are all kinds of odd shapes. She got something similar for Christmas so decided to torture me in a similar fashion. She also got some sticky-backed plastic, so when we finally do finish it, we can line the back and I can have it displayed in my room. That’s if I ever finish it – this thing is fiendish!

Things ended between Book_grim and Luke, which was a bit of a shame. He said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship so I kinda respect him for not messing her about, although I know she was upset by the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ of it all. Mom visited us last Thursday and spent about 90 minutes with us. It was weird – two of the cats were on the bed with me, along with Book_grim and Stripes was in the chair next to me – I felt very surrounded, very protected. She was obviously on her best behaviour although she did make a few fat-phobic comments that had me biting my tongue. I managed to stick with the whole information-diet and didn’t tell her about any weight loss or anything like that, so I feel that overall it went okay. She’s off on holiday again on Saturday which should take some strain off.

I tried to do the Leslie Sansone One Mile Walk on Monday and almost killed myself! I made it a third of the way through but was utterly exhausted afterwards. Today, I did my first session with my new resistance bands and was pleased that I made it all of the way through. I did manage to twang myself in the back of the thigh about three or four times; Stripes hit herself in the face; and afterwards I have been struggling with some pain in my hip, but overall I’m pleased with what I managed to do.

I got some new shoes – the Wednesday Crocs!

They are a little tight across my right foot so I need to fill them with some newspaper or something to stretch them out. The weird thing is that I bought a size 9 and they seem a bit long for me? If the width wasn’t an issue, I’m pretty sure that they’d be too big for me which freaked me out just a little. I guess it could be viewed as a NSV, but I didn’t expect to lose length from my feet! It would be so much handier if I could get my feet to not be so puffy and swollen, but maybe that will come with time?

Heading into February and I think I want to go through my clothes rail to see if there are clothes I can get rid of. I don’t want to even consider getting any new clothes until I really start to see some weight loss but I think it would be a good idea to clear the rack nevertheless. I’m not sure whether I want to try to sell them or maybe I should just take them to a charity shop. Most of my clothes are very old anyway – like, three or four years old, so I doubt anyone is going to want to buy them so I’m not sure if it’s even worth the effort of trying to sell them. I guess we’ll see. I also want to have a go at tidying my bedroom, as the floor has got cluttered again and some of the cables for my laptops look all twisted and tangled at the side of the bed.

So I guess that’s pretty much it for January. Tomorrow, I need to post my book reviews round up, and on Saturday I want to take some new progress photos. You never know, I might actually get up the nerve to post some side-by-side photos here but I wouldn’t count on it. Not unless I can really see some changes anyway!

Not the best start to the year

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.9|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 4

As part of my transition to normal food, I am allowed to eat ready meals. The suggestion is to eat half as a full portion. Yesterday, I tried a Tesco Cottage pie and was able to eat the whole thing, which to be honest freaked me out more than a little. It seemed like I ate A LOT and I was really concerned. Over the course of the day, I had All Bran with skimmed milk, Mango and passion fruit yoghurt with mango puree and the shepherd’s pie. According to MyFitnessPal, I ate 533 calories but I found myself feeling really guilty, like I was working against the sleeve. I did feel full but not whilst I was eating. I chew everything 20 times and try to count to 20 between each mouthful so that I am not eating too fast.

I ended up feeling really blue and needy yesterday, asked the girls for hugs and stayed up until after 5 am watching my 600 lb Life. I don’t know if I was trying to scare myself into remembering how bad things were or where I might have ended up; whether I was trying to use them as encouragement or seeing what happens when the patients don’t listen to Dr Now. Whatever it was, it didn’t help me feel any better.

I slept in until just after 2 pm this afternoon and my first interaction was with Book_grim and it didn’t go well. We’ve had conversations in the past about how difficult it can be for me to bring up potentially ‘contentious’ issues with her – she feels like she’s in trouble or that I’m attacking her when I just think I’m asking a question or raising a query. Today went the same way – I asked about a couple of things she said she would do that she hadn’t because she was doing her nails, and it almost automatically led to a bit of a show-down. Stripes came home from shopping in the middle of it and had to referee/translate, but things ended with Book_grim going out to the car porch and smashing plates whilst I felt like I’d done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and was reeling.

Book_grim said she was going through a bit of a down period mentally, which is understandable, but I still don’t think that justifies her shouting at me because I ask about her showering. I also raised the point that she knew I was feeling fragile and that I have expressed on numerous occasions that I am not having a go at her, she’s not in trouble and that I am trying to approach her as one adult to another about something that was agreed. It’s also a really difficult subject to bring up to someone – when was the last time they showered, reminding them that they said that they would several days on the go and still haven’t done it, and instead doing something ‘fun’ like painting nails.

I don’t know – sometimes I just want to say that I just won’t ask her anything but that’s ridiculous and doesn’t work because there are three of us living in the house together and we need to be able to talk about the difficult stuff. Regardless, we all went out separate ways for a few hours and reconvened for dinner. I watched some reviews of Electric cars because I am definitely interested in getting one with my PIP money come April.

This evening, we’ve watched two episodes of the new Harlan Coben series on Netflix, but my eating has been problematic. I didn’t feel like I could eat after the conversation with Book_grim because my stomach felt like it was literally twisted in knots and the thought of eating made me want to throw up. I ended up having the second half of the cottage pie, and once again I managed to eat all of it. Then I had two scrambled eggs and managed both of them and now I’m feeling like a pig because I ate so much. I don’t want to go down this road – I want to have a good attitude towards food, not a judgemental one. I may have another look at the Mantra paperwork I was doing before the new year to see if it can help me at all. There’s no way that I’m meeting my protein goals at the moment and the closer we get to the appointment at Heartlands, the more concerned I am.

I don’t want to compare myself to other people but I find myself wondering about the people I’m going to meet at the group thing. Whether they’re all going to be smaller than me; have lost more weight since their surgery; have meds and food handled and are tootling along successfully whilst I feel like I’m fucking up constantly. I guess there’s no way to find that out until I go to the appointment but that’s buzzing around in my head.

In good news, I did manage to sleep on my left side and the tumble-drier feeling in my stomach wasn’t any where near as bad as it has been. So maybe I can forgo the sit-up pillow for the future?

I don’t want to try to force myself to eat anything further today, but I want to try to get up in the morning tomorrow and try to have the recommended three meals and two snacks, although I might need to check that. When I was on pureed food, they said I should be having five of those a day, so maybe I should be aiming for five very small meals a day? Something to check the bariatric bible for.

Basically not the beginning to the new year that I was hoping for. Sigh.

Pre-op Diet Day 19 and just not feeling it

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 163.6 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 19

Surgery Countdown⟫ 09 days

Tired me is grumpy. Finally crashed out just after 8 am and woke up just around 2 pm and feeling mardy as all heck. My order from Amazon turned up today (kudos to Amazon despite hating them for removing my reviews) so I have a decent stock of Slimfast now.

Got a reply from NewYou giving me the post office my parcel has been left with and telling me I can just go with a form of address. I was less than impressed – I paid for delivery but have to run around and grab this stuff myself? I think not. I booked a redelivery (allegedly for tomorrow but we’ll see) and responded to their customer service team stating that I would like to know how to make an official complaint about how this was handled. Strangely, from there they found themselves able to lodge a complaint with Parcelforce, ensure I get delivery in the next couple of days and refund the delivery fee. Like I said, we’ll see if they follow through.

Both Stripes and BookGrim had tough appointments today and I was just feeling like sludge, so we ordered from Uber-eats. I had fish and stripped off the batter, along with some garlic mushrooms. We’ll see how my body feels about that no doubt, but at least I ate. I need to have one more slimfast before bed and consider the day done.

I think it’s going to be an evening of Cross or even carrying on with the Predators movies and hopefully an early night.

On another note, I think it might be time for a thc-break. I was going to stop vaping for at least a week before the operation – again, something to add to the surgery tracking spreadsheet so the girls can remind me if I try to blaze after Wednesday. Calling it done here!

surviving september...

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 172.2 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

How come I never write on here when I hit my lowest low? I saw 171 the other day, but it’s bounced back up to 172.2. So how am I doing? Well, I tried fried eggs on bagels and then had tuna pasta salad that evening, and spent an eventful hour or so on the toilet. We don’t know if it was the eggs or the tuna (I haven’t had either of them in a while) but suffice it to say, I won’t be eating either of them in a hurry.

It’s so strange what causes a reaction – I remember when I first started using Ozempic, chicken was almost guaranteed to make me throw up. Chicken – like, that’s meant to be one of the universal safe foods! Very strange.

Apart from throwing up and stomach issues, I have also been struggling with an ear infection and quite possibly the after-effects of COVID. I am utterly exhausted – the other night I went to bed around 11 pm and didn’t wake up until after 12 the next day That’s pretty much unheard of.

I’ve been so exhausted that I’ve been struggling to even read – I wake up, do my wordle, sqwardle then just sort of loll around until I doze off again. We have actually had a busy time though. I finally managed to sort out a new sofa and we spent just over an hour putting it together. It’s green velvet(looking) three seater love seat and fits almost perfectly where I wanted to place it. That side of the room is looking so much better – cleaner, clearer and just, yeah, happy with.

The other side of the room, not so much. I have my disability chair that Stripes covered in old denim jeans when it started looking ropey, as well as one of the blankets I crocheted on the right side of the bed and it looks really comfortable. Comfy enough for Stripes to curl up with Dmi and look incredibly sweet and happy together! Unfortunately, beneath that chair is varying amounts of detritus – things that have fallen off my bed, wrappers from cough sweets, bandages, plasters – all sorts of crap. And it’s going to take more energy and balance for me to get that sorted.

I did manage to go through my wicker basket and pull out all of my bras and panties, which are now neatly tucked away in a drawer. Which just leaves going through the basket and folding my pyjamas neatly as well as getting rid of things that are too ratty or too big. Yeah, no energy for that either at the moment.

Which brings me to my state of mind. We took a few pictures of the three of us on the sofa. Gidget has a nifty Polaroid camera and took an absolutely darling picture of me cuddling Castiel which I love. However, we took a few photos using my phone and I absolutely HATE the way I look with a passion. My pyjamas are loose on me and I know that I’m losing weight but for some reason, that picture just made me want to cry. I look like someone in those 1,000 lb people weight shows – just hanging fat, rolls and just kinda lumbering. Now I know it’s weird to describe myself as lumbering when I was sitting down in the photo but it’s the only word that comes to mind.

It made me feel quite blue – I still feel quite blue, although I know that some of that is just the after-effects of being ill and the ear infection. It’s sobering to think that I’m about 1lb away from having lost 80 lbs and looking at myself in pictures just makes me want to cry. This is just going to get worse in terms of hanging skin because exercise is still out of my range of possibilities and I think I might need to see if I can find someone to talk to about all of this. Mantra is all very good but there’s only so much I can do on my own.

In good news, we met Gidget’s new beau – Stripes originally called him ‘the ginge from hinge’ which cracks me up every time, but we’ll call him A here. He’s a nice boy – he came around and we spent a very wholesome afternoon playing cards, video games and talking. Gidget seems happy and that’s all I can hope for. The situation with JC seems to have calmed down, especially now that Gidget’s workplace have barred him from entry. Of course, the last time I let my guard down, he escalated so I’m still concerned but we’ll see. Gidget says she does want to fill out a police report but hasn’t got around to it yet – I can’t blame her, no one wants to have to talk about a situation like that and the self-blame is hitting hard for both of us.

I don’t even know what to aim for weight-wise for the anniversary of beginning of this, which I believe is the 23rd September. I’m still slightly stunned that I’m still doing this. Oh crap, I’ve just remembered that I wanted to ring the Dr's surgery and ask what my latest AC1 numbers were – you can only get results in the morning so I guess I’ve missed it today.

Blimey, I’ve written a tome! I think that’s enough laptop time for today. I’ve begun porting ‘High Thoughts’ over onto Dreamwidth – I don’t know why I’ve got it into my head that something might happen to Blogger, but I guess better safe than sorry. I have another ARC that I need to read and review for a deadline, then just some kindle unlimited books that I can take my time on. I’ve signed up for a few comms, including Spook Me, and a new bingo card, and I have the drabble/icon challenge to catch up on but all of that will have to wait. I think it’s time for a long drink of water and a nap!

Ex being a creeper :(

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The saga with JC continues. Gidget was at work last night when she saw them in the smoking area. She went out to the back and called me and I talked her down. She’s bloody strong – I think I would have been much more of a wreck. It didn’t help that I was high so am not quite sure what I said but apparently it was enough to ground her. She went back to work and her friend, D, was on the door with her so she was okay. A little jumpy wondering where JC was, but okay.

Around 4.45 am after Stripes had gone to bed, I get a text from D asking me if Gidget had got home as D thought she had her keys. I said no, no sign of her and gave her a call. No response. Called a couple more times whilst texting with D with my brain working overtime. I contemplated calling the police, calling JC (as I have their number from when they contacted me when they were dating Gidget), but in the meantime I re-downloaded Life360 to see if I could work out where Gidget was.

Turns out she was with a couple of friends from work getting food from MacDonalds as they saw JC in the food place they normally went to and didn’t want to have to face them. I told her to get an Uber home and I would pay for it and tried to calm myself down. Once she was home, she was very upset – work was meant to be her safe space, and JC had tried turning her friends and co-workers against her, and this seemed like another attack or attempt to get a reaction from her. Unfortunately, JC hasn’t done anything concrete but Gidget feels unsafe and jumpy. D said they could always ask management to ban JC from the club, but that doesn’t stop them from being outside, or at eateries where Gidget frequents, and unfortunately they know all of her habits from the three months that they were dating.

I sent her to sleep because I knew she had a long shift today (final day of the Euros and a ten hour shift running, which puts her on the floor and potentially vulnerable. I reminded her (and Stripes) of the SING technique taught in Miss Congeniality from years ago (solar plexus, instep, nose, groin), told her to call a bouncer if she felt threatened in any way and then had to see her go off to work. I am worried – we have no idea if JC is going to keep up this creeper routine as previously they didn’t like going to the club. That, and there are so many other places they could choose to go.

Fortunately, Gidget has people who know what has happened and are willing to keep an eye on her, so there’s nothing else we can really do. I hate the fact that JC is managing to bleed into everything that’s important to her and feel so impotent.

Which leads me to eating. I have been existing on hot-dogs with masses of onions, cherry Bakewell tarts, chocolate buttons and Jaffa cakes and I really don’t know what to do about that. I mean, I’m eating and the scales are moving, but it’s hardly what you would call a good eating plan. I suppose I should just be grateful that the scales are still moving downwards whilst we work our way through this whole situation, but I am – I don’t know, angry and frustrated that once again something else is taking precedence in my brain. I am exhausted but sleep fitfully; even the weed isn’t working as well as it did. My fingers are so painful from the fall, bruises on my shins, etc, and an almost debilitating pain on top of my right foot, where my foot meets my ankle. It’s hard to describe – like an extreme cramp but it isn’t cramp? I don’t know – all I can say is that it hurts like fuck and I wish it would go away.

I did my jab on Friday so that’s two weeks on 1 mg done successfully, and I am due for my follow-up phone call from the GP with my diabetes health check results, so all I can do is keep on plodding along and just hope that I can at least maintain I guess? I have a couple of ARCs to read but I also have the last Mantra chapter from Stripes that I need to have a look at.

In the meantime, we’re watching Interview with the Vampire and making the most of the peace at home while we can. Sigh.

falling and not just the numbers on the scales

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.9 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

I fell over and I feel fucking awful. My knees, wrists, shoulders, fingers, thumb – all hurting like hell and making it very difficult to get comfortable. It happened on the way back from answering the door (who the hell rings someone’s doorbell constantly at 7 am on a Sunday morning?!) and coming through my bedroom door, I just lost my footing and hit the floor. My head hit the plastic cereal box, I put my right hand out to protect myself which I think is how I damaged my thumb, and my knees and shoulders took a huge impact.

I thought that I’d destroyed the bin on my way down (I’m attaching a photo of the dent I put in it even though I have no idea how I managed to do that). Stripes managed to punch the dent out and it looks almost 100% back to normal, but I guess that says something about how hard I fell.

I managed to call Stripes to come and help me get up (which made my knees hurt even more) and I vaped some MC to make it possible for me to go to sleep despite the pain. I don’t want to go up to A&E because my knees are giving me so much grief, walking is next to impossible and getting a taxi that is big enough for my wheelchair can be a real issue. So the plan is to keep on top of my pain relief for the rest of the day, vape some MC later and if things are still bad tomorrow, call the surgery and see if we can get a doctor to make a house call. I don’t know how likely that is because the surgery is typically quite reticent about the idea of home visits, but I can’t see me being able to climb in and out of a taxi twice in one day. My knees just feel like they won’t cope with it.

We had take-out tonight, complete with desserts, so we shall see what the scales are saying. Having had my second jab, I didn’t feel the same amount of pain doing the injection and I think I’m feeling the appetite suppression as I am back to one meal a day plus snacks: strawberries, 3 Jaffa cakes, some chocolate buttons and a yoghurt, then crisps for my ‘weed’ snack later in the evening.

I definitely need to start looking at the Mantra chapter that Stripes let me have. We’ve had such a stressful week – things with Gidget seem to be going as smoothly as possible, but I am kinda expecting a bit of a meltdown in the next week or so. It’s not exactly the norm that your first real partner accuses you of sexual assault and tries to get everyone you work with to hate you – I have no idea how I would have coped with that if it happened to me, and I am struggling with it happening to Gidget.

I’m also finding out certain things about her relationship with JC which are troubling: JC kept forgetting to get tested to show they were ‘clean’; they had unprotected sex at least once and Gidget had to take Plan B; there were more than one occasion when JC would do things and ask her how she felt about them afterwards – so many red flags that we weren’t aware of, that I couldn’t protect her from.

So before she gets involved with someone else, I need to make sure that she gets fully tested and is aware that even in the heat of the moment, she needs to be careful and take care of herself. That just because your partner wants to try something, doesn’t mean that you should; that just because your partner seems like a good person, doesn’t mean that they have your best interests at heart. I hate the thought of this changing Gidget. She’s always been very sex positive, sure in herself (generally) and approaching every relationship with what seems like good faith. This situation with JC has dented that slightly and that’s upsetting. I want her to be confident and strong, dignified and sure of who she is and what she deserves.

And in the middle of all of that, I really need to maintain the focus on myself and help Stripes maintain the focus on herself. So yeah, not much going on for a peaceful Sunday.

Jesus, if I read this shit I’d think it was made up or a soap opera, but it really is my life and all the shit that surrounds it.

i wish my brain would be quiet.....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.5 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

I am slowly losing my sanity. Gidget has been radio silence since Sunday, so I have no idea whether or not they handed in all of their assignments on time. I’ve tried calling a few times but had no answer – I know they’re still alive as they were active on both Instagram and WhatsApp at different times – I guess they’re just avoiding me. I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve scheduled a family chat for Wednesday regarding the summer, if it’s because the assignments weren’t handed in and she doesn’t want to tell me, or because she’s all ‘peopled’ out after putting in the work.

It’s frustrating on many levels, not least because the last full conversation we had in person, both Stripes and I both made sure to let her know that what she does affects ALL of us, and that communication goes a long way to alleviating stress on both sides. But yet, once again, she’s chosen not to be in touch. The last time it happened, I was knackered as fuck after another sleepless night and she apologised, but then she went straight back to doing it again. I want to ignore the whole situation – put it to the back of my mind – but I am struggling so much.

Stripes offered to call – just in case Gidget would pick up a call from her – but I said no. One, because it’s not fair to put Stripes in the middle, and two because it fucking hurts when Gidget will answer a call from Stripes but not me. It feels so fucking targeted, like yeah, it’s not that I don’t want to talk, it’s that I don’t want to talk to you. At my age, shouldn’t I be past that kind of petty hurt? Shouldn’t I be able to shrug it off and just see it as a symptom of how Gidget and I clash in communication styles? I want to be able to do all of that – just put it away until the next time she’s due around here – which is tomorrow now – but, it’s like a rat nibbling constantly at the back of my brain.

This isn't about me - or it shouldn't be - but it affects me, Stripes and Gidget, and reverting to ignoring my calls makes me fear for the summer even more.

I guess there is also a part of me that feels like she couldn’t give two shits about how stressful this is for us. For me. I had a fucking panic attack only last week, but she can’t pick up the phone so I have one last thing to worry about? I don’t want to go on a rant, but maybe that’s the best thing to do – let it all out here so that tomorrow can be as calm as possible.

I’ve had a couple of responses to my post on for your health over on dreamwidth and one of the members is considering making the change from Ozempic to Trulicity, so it’s no longer crickets when I look for people going through the same thing as me. Sometimes I feel like the appetite suppression is still strong but I just don’t notice it. Stripes had a counselling session today and I didn’t eat until she came back, so around 3pm? And I only really started getting hungry towards 3ish. That might also have something to do with the other half of the THC cookie I had last night. Same sky high effects and a chunk of sleep, so physically I am feeling better.

Okay, gratitude, silver lining, whatever. I’ve booked in with Alex for the beginning of the my cover-up on the 19th June. So not only do I have something to look forward to, but it’s in the middle of the Ozempic cycle so the toilet issues shouldn’t be as bad and I should be able to attend. There – positivity!

friday night and survived the week!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.5 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

Spent some time writing out my post for the discussion on Ozempic at the For Your Health Dreamwidth community. As part of doing that, I transferred all of the weights from all the way back in September into my spreadsheet so that I have a better picture of the ups and downs I’ve had since the beginning of this. It’s interesting to see but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am bricking it about the discussion. Partly will anyone be interested? And partly just putting all of that information out there. That sounds daft bearing in mind all of the stuff I write here, but this is more of an open forum and involves other people that I interact with. So, yeah there’s that.

Had a quick conversation with Gidget and she says that she has a small amount left before she can hand in all of her assignments. I desperately want to believe her – so, so much. But obviously last year I believed her wholeheartedly when she said that she had handed in all of her assignments only to find out that she hadn’t handed in any of them. I suggested that when she’s handed them in, she take a screenshot as proof so that if there are any issues about the hand in date, she can prove when she did it. Hopefully, she’ll follow through but I imagine until Sunday, I will remain on tenterhooks.

I didn’t sleep great last night – weirdly thinking I was awake then realising I was asleep, that kind of thing. Not the most relaxing or refreshing. All that being said, it’s just about 6.30 so I’m going to shut the laptop down and maybe get some reading done. Food-wise, I don’t know what I’m having – maybe sandwiches? We had pizza yesterday – the cutest square pizza thing from Pizza cottage as well as chocolate donuts! Yeah, it would probably be a good idea to have something basic like sandwiches – give my stomach a chance to survive tomorrow as tonight is jab-night!

Panic Attacks and Summer Worries

Today I had a panic attack. Well, this evening. Gidget has the deadline for her university work coming up on Saturday and has what seems like a lot of work left to do. Last year, we went through something similar but we thought things were okay. Turns out, she didn’t hand in any of her assignments and had to redo the year. Of course, since then, she has had a diagnosis of ADHD (which we have been fighting for for years) and was also put on medication. However, apart from getting an extension on her assignments, it doesn’t change the fact that she still has to put in the work.

Over the last few weeks, we have tried discussing it with her, but unfortunately all of these conversations went the same way as they always used to in the past – she shuts down, refuses to discuss things, makes vague promises and basically checks out. In the past, this has led to huge arguments, especially as she essentially shuts down any conversation that isn’t about a pleasant topic, not something that is sustainable. And the stress of these arguments, the consequences of her actions have hit all three of us extremely hard. It is no exaggeration to say that just over three years ago, we asked her father if he would be prepared to have her live with him because things here were just so awful.

And we’re right back there again. Things between Gidget and I have been better since she has been living in Halls – the separation has enabled her to live the way that she wants to, without me on her back about keeping her room tidy, etc. Getting a part time job also helped. But it doesn’t – and hasn’t – addressed the fact that I simply cannot discuss anything serious or potentially contentious with her without it turning into a huge screaming match, with Stripes trying to mediate in the middle. No matter what I say, or how I say it, Gidget hears me having a go at her, blaming her for things, or simply not hearing the difficulties that she experiences. I on the other hand feel that although I can sympathise with a lot of the difficulties that she experiences, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she still has to handle her shit – take the meds, talk to the tutors, do the work. Which she has once again failed to do.

Added to which, the stress of worrying about what happens if she fails again affects my ability to sleep. I know that is a ME issue, but it’s there. Whenever we talk about serious things, she becomes rude, obstructive and sometimes abusive, and when she’s pulled up on it, claims that she can’t stop herself. But my thing is, she stops herself with everyone else: at uni, at work, in the street – if she loses her temper or gets wound up, she doesn’t lash out at people the way that she does at me and Stripes. Which makes me think/feel that this isn’t a ‘blind rage’ situation – this is one of those times when (on some occasions literally) the only damage done is to me and Stripes. Nothing of Gidget’s ever gets damaged. She controls herself everywhere else but here and it has a detrimental effect on everyone.

Whatever. That isn’t something that’s going to be solved by writing here.

After the discussion, where I finally said that I wasn’t prepared to sit and talk in circles any longer as it had been going on for over two hours by this point, she left the room to go and get her stuff together to go back to Halls. Stripes and I were kinda just sitting in silence, vaguely talking about watching a movie. That is the last coherent thing I remember before everything just went wrong.

I couldn’t breathe, felt like there was a belt wrapped around my chest that was getting tighter and tighter, that I was shaking and couldn’t hold myself together. I was scared that I was having another heart attack and pretty much convinced that I was going to die. Stripes did her best to keep me calm and gave me the spray that I was prescribed when I had my heart attack last year (year before that?), checked my oxygen levels and took my blood pressure. By the time I had calmed down, Gidget had got her stuff together and left to go back to Halls. Stripes said she did ask if I was alright but I didn’t hear her ask that; she didn’t share her uber journey back to Halls and Stripes had to contact her to ensure that she made it home safely.

I’m terrified for what the summer brings. Gidget isn’t making enough money to move out – she works two nights a week and uses that money as ‘spending cash’. She still relies on monthly money from her father. I’ve talked to her about grabbing any extra shifts that are available but she keeps forgetting. She has very strong boundaries, some of which even she admits are unfair to me and Stripes. But that doesn’t mean that she’ll budge from them – she just acknowledges that they are unfair. She completely refuses to see that she is not suffering from blind rage – she feels that I push her buttons and wind her up, that I attack her verbally and she is just defending herself, that I don’t appreciate the struggles that she has.

And she might be right. I acknowledge that sometimes I fight dirty and can be immature in my responses. Sometimes I feel so angry with her attitude and how she behaves, her lack of regard or empathy, that I snap and say mean things too. But I really feel that I try to see her point of view. I try to offer assistance, encouragement, ideas she can try. But I am constantly rebuffed and rejected – if I step out of the box of ‘fun’ mother who plays video games with her, checks in on her and her friends, listens to her gossip and offers ‘vague’ advice, I get body-slammed because everything I say or do is wrong.

I cannot imagine another summer handling things like that. I can only imagine what it will do to Stripes, who has made such progress with her ED and counselling. I don’t want to watch one of my daughters fade away because one of my other daughter’s is too selfish to think about other people.

And then on to my selfish thoughts. The entire weekend when Gidget was looking after me, I made food choices that weren’t based on wanting to eat well, but on what was easiest. I made choices that at best could be described as emotional eating. I went extremely long hours without eating because I didn’t want to wake Gidget up. I don’t want this to be another time when my eating plan, my focus on myself and my success at losing weight gets lost under the weight of the three of us trying to live together.

I’m scared that this summer will be the final nail in the coffin of Ozempic and what it has been able to do for me. I know that I’m an emotional eater, and being around Gidget is one of the most high octane and emotional states that I can be in. How do we survive this intact? And what the hell do we do if Gidget once again fails university? She won’t be able to re-take the year again, and the only job she’s had has been the door work/running she does two nights a week. The thought of her being stuck indoors – the three of us stuck together with no escape for any of us just makes me feel so fucking depressed. I don’t even want to consider how dark my thoughts are at the moment. It’s 4 am and I’m writing this in the hope that by getting it out of my head, I will be able to sleep. The panic attack has left me with my nerves jangling, exhausted in body but my mind is racing. I even looked up the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks – like it makes any difference in the scheme of things.

I don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I don’t want Stripes to lose the progress she has made.. I don’t want Gidget to lose the progress she has made. I want us to be able to live together, safely, healthily. But I just don’t know what that looks like. God, this is such a long-ass rambling post that probably won’t make a blind bit of difference. But I guess I just needed to get the words out so that when I calm down, I can re-read them and see what I can change.

I can’t change what other people do – I can only change how I react to them. I need to remember that, internalise that, and think about the boundaries that I want and need to set for myself.