Puree Week - Day 7 and can someone please shut off my brain?

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.2 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 7

My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I snapped – very unfairly – at Book_grim earlier because she was crunching crisps and it just made me feel so angry. I did apologise and tried to explain that today may be the first time that I’ve actually regretted having the surgery.

I’m trying to get my thoughts into gear so bear with me. Whilst I was on Ozempic, I kinda knew the side effects I could expect, whether it be vomiting or diarrhoea, and make the choice about what I ate knowing the consequences. The weight loss wasn’t speedy or guaranteed but I felt more in control. Ever since the surgery, it just feels like everything is out of my control. I can eat smoothies then suddenly I can’t; I can’t drink whatever I want when I want; I can barely identify hunger triggers; I feel truly lost with the whole change from puree to mashables – everything just feels really confusing. I was reading on Reddit and someone said when they overeat it makes them sneeze(?!) and I instantly found myself thinking what if this isn’t a cold but me constantly overeating? It’s like utter insanity in my head and I am so struggling with it.

I should be celebrating – the weigh in this morning means I am 0.5kg away from being 50kg lighter than I have been in years. But all I want to do is cry and drink a bottle of fizzy pop without suffering the wind from hell. My incisions are itchy and painful, the horrid tugging is back and I feel wretched.

Positivity! Yeah, okay, I can do that. I have been feeling like a real slug-a-bed recently, and the cancellation of the wet room deep clean bothered me more than I realised. So I set myself up in the bathroom with help from Book_grim and Stripes, and cleaned the cats’ feeders - -scrubbed off the accumulation of years worth of wet food and kibble. Then I scrubbed the toilet bowl, the seat, dusted off the cat fur that had gathered (yuck) and put a nice smelling rim-block. I know Book_grim was worried that I was overdoing it – and she might have been right – but I just needed to feel in control of some part of my environment. Yes I’m feeling it – everything hurts at this point – but I also feel like I achieved something. It might be small to a lot of people but to me, it felt like I did something that I really wanted to do that wasn’t related to weight loss or surgery. And I think I needed that.

Stripes made my dinner this evening: mashed potatoes, pureed spinach, onions, eatlean cheese and milk and it was lovely. I didn’t finish it but it was very tasty and made a nice change from what feels like a lot of sweet things. That or cup-a-soup which is another staple. I’ve also made myself a smoothie using the chocolate protein rice pudding with Greek yoghurt and some milk and that should see me through to the end of the evening, and I had two scrambled eggs for breakfast so I think I actually managed to eat my five meals today. Nearly.

Sometimes I think I need to stay away from places like Reddit, etc. I know the posts and comments there are going to be out of the norm, but it seems like everyone is dropping weight like it’s going out of style whilst my weight loss feels so slow. It’s three weeks since the surgery and I haven’t even managed to lose a stone yet. I think any other month, I would be relatively happy with that rate of loss but because of the surgery and comparing myself to other people, I feel like I’m failing? Add to that Mom’s voice in my head telling me that I should be able to lose 2 stone between surgery date and my first hospital appointment on 6th January and I definitely feel like a failure. I hate that I am letting that into my head; I hate that I am letting that affect my mood; I hate that I am judging myself so harshly when if someone was talking to me about all of this, I would tell them to take it easy and let things just work they way that they are meant to. I hate that I don’t seem to have the ability to relax and trust the process.

It doesn’t help that I am wondering if I am sabotaging myself in some way, like I deliberately don’t want to lose two stone by the appointment because that would be proving Mom right, and I really quite desperately don’t want her to be right. Like, how fucked in the head is that – I would rather fail than prove my Mom right. That’s quite a sobering thought and I think I need to sit with that for a bit – figure out how to put those thoughts, those feelings into perspective so that they don’t poison the things that I do. There are times when I desperately hate my brain and this is definitely one of those times.

Puree Week - Day 5

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.6 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 5

Didn’t sleep very well last night which explains why I didn’t get up until after 12 today. It’s my writing day but my creativity button seems to be on snooze, so instead I read some books and left some book reviews. Still a good use of my time and I am pleased I managed to get something done.

Struggling a little bit with the whole eating thing. I manage a scrambled egg each day (with a little help from Dmi) but apart from that, I seem to be living on yoghurt, milky coffee and the occasional smoothie. Today, I made my smoothie including a protein rice pudding from Muller and am struggling to eat it. I added yoghurt and mango puree but not milk, so it’s thicker than usual – almost thick enough to need a spoon – and I can take about three mouthfuls before I feel like my stomach is too full and I’m going to be sick. I’m nowhere near the five meals per day that I am meant to be on, and I’m beginning to think that I am not going to be able to handle mashables from Monday.

The thing, I seem to swing from ‘just keep sipping’ to mild panic that I’m not taking the vitamins as yet, don’t think I’m managing over 1000 calories per day and highly doubt that I am meeting any protein goals. Which in the long run is going to do me more harm than good. What if that’s why the scales aren’t really moving? I read a post on Reddit where someone is two months out of surgery and have lost 66 lbs!! Like – I haven’t managed to lose a stone in one month and someone has already lost nearly four times that amount. And it’s not because they weigh more than me – their start weight was much less than mine so they have less to lose. Sometimes there’s this panic of ‘what if I can’t do this? What if I fail?’ I try to remind myself that it’s been three weeks and I am still healing; the scales are moving even if it feels like very slowly; every body is different and I spent decades abusing my body with ridiculous diets, etc so all of this is going to take time.

But what if I do fail?

Okay, positivity: you only fail if you give up and I’m not giving up. The scales are not moving as fast as I would like them to but I am still sticking to it. I lost 100 lbs over the last year before the surgery so it’s not like I can’t do it – I have the extra tools now and there is no big rush to get the weight off as soon as possible. It took years to go on and may take years to come off. I need to stay the course, trust the process, trust myself and just keep doing what I’m doing.

And if I don’t make it onto mashables on Monday, then big deal. It’s not like the food is going to disappear if I don’t have it for Christmas. Far better to honour where my body is at than to try to push things along prematurely – I am worth the time and effort it is taking to do this. My goals are manageable and I have the ability to do this.

I think it’s time to grab my crochet and see what’s on the TV – Reddit and other online places are becoming triggers instead of support and inspiration, so better to just remove myself from there before it gets too far into my head.

Puree Week - Day 4

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.9 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 4

Three weeks post surgery and I really don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s nice that the scales are starting to move downwards again, although I know I need to be aware that they are just as likely to go up as down whilst my body is adjusting to everything. I often feel ‘normal’ as in the incisions still itch like crazy but don’t actively hurt as much as they once did. I can walk around without holding onto my stomach for fear that it’s going to fall off or something ridiculous like that. I definitely don’t feel up to doing any exercise and the fatigue is real, but to be fair, that’s pretty much my normal. I think the sense of normality has definitely been assisted by me beginning to get my antidepressants into my system on the regular, and today I tried gabapentin again (the taste is so vile, it even killed my mango puree smoothie!)

Positivity: this one was difficult because it involved looking in a mirror and finding something positive to say about myself. My hair is a virulent purple (striking and pretty) and it would be so easy to say something about that and leave it. But I want to try and be as honest as possible. I look tired – dark circles under my eyes and my skin looks a little grey. BUT. I can see a change in my face shape – only a little but more than I’ve ever managed before – and I really like the way my skin looks against the purple hair. That has to count, right? I still have a very round face but it’s not as surface of the moon as I used to think!

Stripes hit Home Bargains today and sent me masses of photos of the various products so that I could choose the things I wanted. So many pretties, including hand soap, body wash, perfumed mist, nail varnishes – bliss! And it gave me an idea – I want to clear off one of my chest of drawers and make myself a ‘treat’ section – foot packs, body lotions, perfumes – all in one prominent place so that I make an effort to be nice to myself.

I did a lot of reading today but still haven’t finished the ARC I have – I have a writing day tomorrow so intend to finish the book and do a review straight away. It’s a good book – not as good as the first one I read from the author, but good nevertheless. I don’t know if I have any fiction in me – that side of my brain seems to be on holiday at the moment which is a bit of a pain because there are some outstanding stories that I would like to work on. Maybe inspiration will strike tomorrow but I’m not holding out much hope.

I’ve nearly finished the blanket for Jay’s grand-daughter and Stripes is making the second one as she has no crochet project on at the moment, so hopefully we’ll be able to get those posted early next week.

The DVD box-set I ordered turned up – it’s Emerald City which Stripes and I watched years ago. I was so excited to watch it but must admit to being a little disappointed. Maybe I bigged it up too much in my head? Not helped by the lack of subtitles and the low’ voices they all speak in. I still want to watch it but not as excited as I was. We watched the latest Strike on BBCiPlayer and it was brilliant. Frustrating but brilliant. I wish they made more of them but also want them to maintain the high level of entertainment etc so I guess I’ll have to wait another couple of years for the next series.

Food-wise, I’ve done okay. I managed a scrambled egg in 30 minutes (with Dmi’s help), had a mango puree smoothie, cup-a-soup and a milky coffee so nearly the five small meals that I’m meant to have. I know I’m nowhere near the right level of liquids or protein but it is definitely getting easier. One step closer to mashables – sip sip sip!

Trapped Wind is Satanic!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 2 Redux

Well, it’s been a bit of a day. I woke up sneezing and wheezing and feeling really tight in my chest. I thought I’d managed to kick the worst of this cough/cold but apparently not. As the morning progressed, things got worse – it felt like I had a boulder stuck on my chest with how badly the wind was trapped and a few times I thought I was going to throw up.

Stripes helped me use the nebuliser which helped clear my nose (dripping all over the place – gross) but I couldn’t calm down enough to be able to work through the trapped wind. In the end, I put on my CPAP machine, settled under the duvet and put on a playlist of someone shopping at Home Bargains over the cousrse of the year. I’m not sure how long I slept for, but I felt markedly better when I woke up. If it happens again this evening/tomorrow morning, we’re going to call the surgery team to see if they have suggestions. I was petrified of throwing up, firstly for what it might do to my stitches and secondly because I hadn’t actually consumed anything.

Today, I’ve had a milky coffee, a jelly pot, a tablespoon of tuna with a tablespoon of mashed potatoes, and I’ve made a mango and passionfruit smoothie to finish everything off. It’s not quite the full puree menu – I’m meant to be aiming for five meals per day – but I think it’s progress.

Positivity: comparison is the theft of joy. I was watching either Too Large or 1000 lb Friends (not sure which) and one of the people had already lost nearly 2 stone three weeks post surgery. Then I read a post on Reddit and someone was told they should be losing 1 lb per day. I’m nowhere near that and was beginning to feel like a failure. I even went so far as to weigh myself with no clothes on to see if there was a difference. There is, but there felt like there was no point in logging that weight because tomorrow when I go back to weighing wearing clothes, it would just show a rise. That was the point that made me realise that I was letting other people’s journeys and achievements get into my head. The scales will go down when they go down – in the meantime, my job is to take the meds, work on getting in the food, and sip sip sip. That’s all I have to do. And I can do that – I have been doing that.

Does it count twice if I come up with something else positive? I was feeling like the worst kind of wuss because the pain of the trapped wind was making me cry but instead of just berating myself, I accepted Stripes’ words that I was far from being a wuss, was handling things well and allowed myself to stop trying to bull through the pain and rest. That has to be a good sign, right? I allowed myself to just feel rough and do what I could to recover.

Book_grim is back at work tonight and going to visit her dad’s side of the family tomorrow, so for the rest of the week it will just be me and Stripes. I don’t think we have any wild plans – she’s got her baking to do for her dad’s side of the family Christmas, and I want to crochet and do some reading.

We’re coming up on the deadline we set for the wet room to be cleaned and it looks like our Airtasker has completely and utterly flaked on us. I’ll get the money back and try to rebook but I am really disappointed. But I might ask Stripes to help me refresh my hair dye – the soft lavender is definitely fading so could do with a top up. So, shower tomorrow and fresh jimjams which actually sounds rather lovely. So Puree Redux is under way and I think I’m going to call today a success because in spite of the wind issues, I didn’t just stick to liquids – I ate the tuna and mashed potato, and the smoothie is definitely thicker than water or tea. Little steps!

Slowly slowly sip sip!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Setback Day 1

Yesterday’s return to liquids seems to have helped – no more diarrhoea. I was a little disappointed – I guess I had it all set in my head how things were going to go and I am having to wrap my head around the fact that my body is dictating the pace, not my mind.

So yesterday, I had a scrambled egg which tasted absolutely divine even though I wasn’t able to finish the whole thing; a milky coffee; the remains of the Fage coconut and mango smoothie and a cup-a-soup. Last night, I vaped for the first time in over a week and ended up falling asleep just before 1am. Woke up around 7 to go to the loo, then back to sleep until 11 a.m. I feel better for that much sleep but am still pretty exhausted – too much on Saturday most likely.

I did have my counselling session and have homework. I have to consider my negative self-talk and find a way to put a positive spin on it – not something I’m great at. One per day, with an additional one being looking in the mirror and saying something positive.

So, positivity day 1: the scales are moving so slowly that I feel like I am failing – I’ve lost 2/3 of my stomach and yet the scales are pretty much stalled. Positive spin? I am trusting myself and the process and not trying to ‘cheat’ the system. I accept the number on the scales even as I accept that it is not the whole picture and that’s okay.

I paid for the girls to go and see Wicked this afternoon, as a thank you for how much support they have given me whilst using Ozempic but mostly for the really difficult period of time after we found out my surgery date. It’s nice to be able to do something nice for them and even better, because I’m so ruddy tired all that I’m going to do is update the blogs and then nap/crochet/watch TV. They don’t have to worry about me being on my own, and I know that they are going to have a good time. Not sure what the plan is for dinner, but judging by the fact that my scrambled egg today feels like it’s wedged in my throat, I think I might stick with something liquid. Slowly slowly, sip sip. That should be my new mantra!