Puree Week - Day 1

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160.1 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 1

I find myself wondering what exactly I expected from Friday the 13th! A bit of an on again/off again sleep thing – this cold is truly wiping me out – but I was up at 6ish and felt not bad. When Stripes got up to feed the beasties, we went into the kitchen and I made my first smoothie: coconut Fage yoghurt, mango slices, skimmed milk. Felt a little bit like I was cheating – I blitzed it down so that it was pretty much the same liquid texture as I’ve been having since the surgery. It tasted nice – maybe a little bland?

Lunch-time, and Stripes decided to tempt me with Salted Caramel Fuel porridge made with skimmed milk. This was more of a challenge – I was worried that some of the oats might slip past my teeth without me chewing and choke me; that it was too thick; that it was too thin. I also wanted to be sure that I was taking small enough spoonfuls and ‘chewing’ it for a long enough period of time. I think quite possibly the hardest part of it all was not drinking while I was eating. You’re meant to give yourself 30 minutes after a meal before drinking anything and I struggled with that. Maybe because I am beginning to feel like I’m not drinking enough as a general rule and I’m concerned about becoming dehydrated.

I think the plan is chicken, mushrooms and spinach for dinner but I don’t even know if I’ll have the energy. 20 minutes of eating the porridge and I probably managed three tablespoons if that? And I am tired!

Some of my tiredness is frustration – the Airtasker cancelled (again) and I’ve been trying to find a way to remove them from the task without having to pay a fee. She claims that she can’t remove herself but surely if she has to reschedule or something goes wrong, she has access to cancelling a job? It all feels quite dodgy to me and it’s annoying AF because it means the task still isn’t complete.

I called the PIP consultation line to see if there was any news about my review. They received and acknowledged my paperwork on 15th October and I haven’t heard anything since. When I finally got through to speak to a person, he asked if I had been given any timelines for the review. Apparently, because of a backlog, it is sometimes taking up to a year before reviews are complete. However, as my award is due to expire around 3rd May, if they still haven’t got to my review by 3rd April, I will automatically be renewed for twelve months.

We will still be able to get a motability car for a one year lease as apparently as long as your award has over 12 months to go on it, you can use the mobility part for a car. But how incredibly ridiculous is it that they chased me to do a review form, complete with deadlines, whilst being unable to handle the sheer amount of reviews and new claims they already have to handle. And they weren’t going to say anything – was I literally meant to spend the next six months on tenterhooks wondering if I was going to get the award? It’s like they have no idea how stressful the whole thing is – it beggars belief. It does mean that I’m not going to be eligible for the Advance Payment assistance that they are running until 3rd January, so I need to start putting money aside for that. It might be a big ask, especially since we’re going to have to keep using Ubers, but I want to try to put aside £250 per month so that I can afford the Advance Payment.

I finished wrapping the last of the Christmas presents (apart from the conch ring I bought for Stripes – no idea where that has disappeared to! But now there are presents for all of us on top of the bookcase and the cabinet and I feel like it’s a decent enough haul.

I finished the pattern I was crocheting for my beanie and because I have a planet-sized noggin, it’s too freaking small. I tried to unravel it but the chenille did not react well and began to snap and break. So it looks like I’m going to have to do some fine-tuning to the pattern to allow for the size of my head! I think I will try to finish that this evening, then spend the next couple of nights working on the blankets for Jay’s grand-kids.

I put an order in for the condiments tubs from Amazon – size-wise, they should be good for keeping small portions of things and not taking up too much space in the freezer – but I can see that it’s going to be a bit of a learning curve figuring out all of this stuff. My brain is fried so I think I’m gonna turn off the laptop and do some reading. Only three more meals to have today!

91lbs off and Pre-op Day 5

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 166.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg | Pre-op Diet:⟫ Day 5

And into day 5 we go. Yesterday was tough – I did have a shower but felt incredibly lethargic all day, struggling to stay awake. I didn’t paint my nails – in fact, I filed them all down because I just suddenly hated the way they looked. Ah, mind-fucks, where have you been – not that I’ve missed you.

Today is a busy one for the household – Stripes has an ED meeting and Gidget has a telephone counselling session, so definitely a fragile house. We didn’t end up watching Aftermath but will probably watch it today.

Today is a writing day and I am kinda celebrating because I have reached 91 lbs off! I know that this sudden drop is because of the pre-op diet and I find myself feeling almost guilty about it. Like taking the Ozempic was ‘bad enough’ but then doing a liquid diet on top of it is bound to mean the weight falls off. Of course, it’s not cheating or bad – it’s just using all of the tools at my disposal. And it’s not as if I’m finding it ‘easy’ – sometimes I literally feel like my stomach is eating itself but I’m pretty sure that’s psychological rather than physical.

I have high hopes that I’ll reach 100 lbs off by the end of November which will be my official one year anniversary of starting to handle the whole weight thing and that should be exciting. I did end up ordering a new blender for my bedroom as well as some pyjamas that should fit. I’m struggling at the moment because most of the things that I use as jimjams are getting very loose – not quite falling off but hanging on by hips, etc. I ended up ordering boxer shorts two sizes smaller than I’m currently wearing and some teeshirts, with the idea that I can wear those in hospital. I did treat myself to some Garfield pyjamas as well and they should be here by the end of the week.

My sugar free syrups arrived so that should deal with any of the shakes that I can’t stand the taste of – I will probably have to tell the girls which shakes need the flavourings added to. Once the blender arrives, it should give me a bit of autonomy and Stripes shouldn’t have to be bouncing in and out of the kitchen to blend me up my meals. Hopefully.

I finished reading the ARC I had so I can do a review this morning. I need to check the guidelines for BookSirens because I can’t in all good conscience rate this as higher than a three and sometimes when it comes to ARCs they ask that if you are rating it that low to leave your review until after the book has been published.

I think I have a quiet week planned apart from the video meeting on Friday. We do need to try to get me an appointment to get my feet checked because the hardened/sore skin doesn’t seem to be getting better, despite the amount of doublebase cream I’ve been smothering the appropriate sections in. But that’s tomorrow. I also need to order cat food, go through the superdrug order I had put together, as well as the Amazon one I currently have lying in my basket. The superdrug one can wait as it’s cosmetic, but the Amazon also contains Slimfast for post-op and I would like to have that sorted and ready.

I am due to get my next PIP payment next week but as I still haven’t had the result of my PIP review, I don’t know if I’m going to be receiving. If they decide that I’m no longer entitled, I could be losing out on that money immediately and I need to keep that in mind with regard to my finances.

So, book review, writing and some reading for me today, then being here for the girls for anything they might need from me. Day 5 is underway!

Surgery Fears and Scattered Mind

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 170.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Okay, I hadn’t realised that it had been so long since I posted. There’s been a lot going on and my mind is a bit scrambled.

I have a weight loss goal of 8.5kg by my surgery date. I don’t do well with deadlines – I always find a way to fuck things up and either have to scramble to make it or turn myself into a complete lunatic trying to do everything possible and maybe still screw things up in the process.

Point in fact: Stripes, Gidget and I sat down and counted the Exante shakes I had on hand for starting the liquid diet next week. We worked out that at three a day, I had 14 days worth, so I went onto the New You website and the Kee Diet to price things out. The issue seemed to be that both of those plans state you should be using four packs a day, which for some reason messed with my head. Like, I had a spreadsheet open and could do the calculation on there and yet I still ended up fucking up the amount I ordered. I did find the water flavourings I used to love so added those to it. Spent just under £170 ordering that and then realised I hadn’t ordered enough.

So off to Superdrug website to see if they had any ready to drink ones I could use. They have Slimfast in packs of 6, so I was going to order three of those so that I had extras and then I got stuck on the vitamins I need to order for after the surgery. Closed that tab.

Had a phone call on Wednesday with a lovely lady called Elaine where we went through a host of questions. She asked if I had previously been given a surgery date and then had it cancelled and I said no, but that I had started to wonder if they’d forgotten about me. Which makes me think that I should have been having all of this closer to March when I met the anaesthetist.

I asked her if I was allowed to continue the Ozempic after the operation and she said she had no idea. She said she’d asked the nurse who was used to handling the bariatric cases and get back to me. I am booked in for repeat bloods this Saturday morning because unfortunately all of the ones I had taken before are now too far out of date. All good – at least we can remind ourselves of where the hospital is and everything.

We’ve set up a spreadsheet with the things we need to do between now and surgery date so that things (hopefully) don’t get forgotten.

Requested liquid/crushable meds from my Doctor who contacted pharmacist. All good – even let me have some Betnovate for my eczema. All good, right? Well, nope because the pharmacist administered all of this stuff now which left us wondering, was I meant to be on liquid stuff from now until the Op? Finally called them and they said put my normal prescription through and use the tablets, etc. until the op then switch to the liquid ones. (High point: the liquid paracetamol is strawberry flavoured and Stripes said it looked like I was going to be taking adult calpol – little things please little minds, so sue me!)

Like I said, my mind is kinda scattered so my posts may be a little – random. I’m worried about the girls. I want/wish that they relied on each other and talked about the stuff that’s worrying them. I know they don’t want to add to my personal worries, but now I’m concerned that they’re bottling things up. Gidget had an appointment today with her Dr re her ADHD meds and he asked her if anything was stressing her out. She said no, at which point Stripes reminded her about the whole ex-stalker drama and me being given a date for surgery, at which point she burst into tears.

So, yeah, there’s definitely stuff going on that’s not being talked about. But what can I say? I’m just as cracked in the head about it all as they are. I’m scared of dying, about how things will be afterwards, about all of it. And that’s on top of the whole waiting to hear back about my PIP.

And on top of all of that, I find the scales are being bastards. There’s no other explanation for it – I’ve got as low as 170.1 (I think) but they just won’t tip over into the 160s. I wonder if I’m sabotaging myself somehow but I don’t see how. I haven’t actively changed how I’m eating – we’ve had ready meals, take out but nothing excessive, I’m drinking my Rio – the numbers just refuse to go down. So, yeah, I’m panicking. About whether I can cope on the liquid diet, on if I lose enough weight before the surgery, about all of it.

My new jimjams turned up and they look too small. I haven’t tried them on simply because I think that if they don’t fit and prove unsuitable, I may just break down and bawl and not stop. And the oven is causing issues – every time its’ turned on, it flips the breaker and we lose power in my end of the flat. The council have said the sockets are all fine so it has to be the cooker. We’re gonna get an electrician in to have a look at the oven but it’s expenditure I could well do without.

Positives? Well, I had to shave Lady Munchington’s private area because she’s been having pooping issues and not been keeping up with her personal hygiene. Get cats they said, they’re sweet, fun and low maintenance they said. Yeah, right! But I did an okay job and she doesn’t hate me any longer – after I did it, she hid in the cat tree in the living room and refused to acknowledge mat all. She seems to have forgiven me now (enough to take some fish from my hands) but that was not something I expected to have to do.

September 2024 Round Up!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 172.8 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The end of another month and I’m down another 1.5 kgs. I’m a little disappointed because I did see a lower weight earlier in the month, but overall I’m glad to see the month end in a deficit.

There’s a lot going on in my head at the moment. Predominantly, the PIP review and what it could mean for me and the family financially. Of course, there are so many other things going on as well. Stripes’ ED counselling is coming to an end and I know that represents a huge challenge for her and I am concerned. Especially as it comes at the end of a difficult year.

I did manage to do quite a few things this month. I finally sorted out the sofa for my bedroom and it’s a big hit with not only the cats, but the girls look more comfortable as of an evening too. I think I still need to do a little shifting round of my bedroom as I know if you sit one end of the sofa, it can be difficult to see the whole television screen.

I sorted through my wicker basket and got rid of some old pyjamas and made it easier to find my clothes for the odd occasions when I go out. It’s not as tidy now as it was when I first did it, but I want to try to keep on top of it so it doesn’t just because a slightly elevated version of a floor-drobe!

I’ve written the most words this month for the year – something like 36k – which I am pleased with. Finding a prompt table as well as some base art that sparked my imagination was really rewarding.

I’ve consistently been doing the resistance bands every other day since I received them. I am in SO MUCH pain with them. The top of my butt aches constantly and apparently I do have a core even though it’s weak af and struggling with the new demands on it. I want to continue to incorporate them into my routine but I also want to make sure that I don’t go overboard. No point going HAM one day and then being crippled for a week.

Still haven’t made a final decision regarding my hair. At the moment, I’ve cut it into a short bob which ends up in a messy bun on top of my head. It means it’s out of the way and neat and I don’t have to make decisions about shaving it. I have some curly hair that I should be able to do the same with so that gives me some breathing space.

I bought a poop step to see if it will help with the constipation. It’s weird to use – I end up having to strip off my pyjamas bottoms so that there’s nothing dragging on the floor or distracting me. I can’t say if it’s helped with the constipation as yet – it needs a bit more testing! It definitely puts the body into the correct position for easy evacuation (is there a nice way of putting that?) but it’s hard to see the results clearly.

So what do I want to achieve in October?

⟫ It might be a big ask but not only would I love to see the 160s but I would really love to not see the 170s again. Which is about 3 kgs which a big ask.

⟫ Less chocolate, more protein.

⟫ Consistent use of the resistance bands.

⟫ Sort out my bedroom floor on the right side of my bed.

⟫ Ask the council for a grab rail for in the toilet in the hallway. I used it over the weekend and struggled to get up safely. Actually, NSV that I’ve literally just realised – I was able to get in and out of the small bathroom toilet without mega manoeuvring required!

⟫ Sort out the small bundle of clothes sat in the cat room. I think they are mostly mine, probably folded once they came off of the washing machine but just not put away. So that should be an easy win. Should being the operative word!

I don’t think I need to titrate up for the moment, but I do need to analyse what’s going on with my eating. One meal a day has turned into one meal plus a whole heap of snacks which might be why the numbers went up at the end of the month.

Overall I would say September has been a good month, even if the numbers aren’t as low as I would like them to be.

Resistance Bands and Negative Self-Talk

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 172.9 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

A lot of weirdness – some emotional, some factual, all of it adding up to a bit of a mind fuck.

Firstly, I never realised how much my negative self-talk was impacting the girls. The three of us were talking the other night and things got a bit deep talking about weight and things. I think it started because I was talking about shaving my head again because I hate how my hair looks. But it then expanded to how I feel about myself in general, the struggle I have with seeing myself in videos and pictures.

Since we moved back up to Birmingham and the girls’ fathers are not around, obviously people have commented on how alike they and I look. Which, makes sense, I think most kids will look to people like the parent that they are seeing at that point in time. However, my self-hatred and negative talk was making the girls feel like maybe I viewed them the same way? And that never occurred to me. I was talking about myself – about how I viewed how I looked. But with people remarking on the resemblance, of course they were left wondering if I viewed them as ugly.

It made me think that I need to separate or at least differentiate between how I look and the fat that I carry. I’m not sure if that makes sense. I hate the way my face looks so round and fat, with extra chins. However, I can see pleasant features in my face – my eyes, my lips, my smile. And I see those positive, pleasant things when I look at my girls. And I tried their whole lives to tell them how beautiful I found them. But I didn’t realise that saying how ugly I felt was affecting them.

So there’s something I need to work on. I did apologise to both of them for the misunderstanding and how I have made them feel. And I have been doing some self-reflection on the whole situation.

My PIP review has been moved forward from May 2025 to now and I was struggling to get an appointment with Welfare Rights for assistance in completing the form. The nearest appointment they could give me was in late October and the form was due back on 2nd October. However, they now have an appointment for me on Saturday so Stripes and I got out all of my PIP paperwork and medical files and tried to compile the answers that are needed during the phone call.

This made me double check when I began Trulicity and started this journey. I started weighing in again in September, but I didn’t actually start Trulicity until 13th November. Which means my one year anniversary of using semaglutides is actually over a month away! That doesn’t mean that I think I’m going to lose 100 lbs in that year – I would still need to lose another 20 lbs and I think that is way too ambitious with how slowly the weight is coming off.

I feel like I’m excused from making the one year progress post for another couple of months, which is good because I’m not sure where my head is at. We had take out last night – chinese – but I also had a few snacks: mini pack of maryland cookies, strawberries, a pastry and a bag of crisps. And I think that quite possibly, my snacking needs to be pulled back a little. I didn’t need to eat all of those things but because they were in front of me, I did. I don’t know if it means that I need to titrate up, or whether I just need to be more aware of things.

On the exercise front, I have been using the resistance bands. I bought these ones from Amazon for less than £6. After the three of us did them on Thursday, I was in PAIN on Friday. But today, we all got together again and did the exercises on the pamphlet as well as a few others like rowing machine. I also used the ‘Heavy’ band instead of just sticking with the light one and boy, did it make a difference! We chose some banging tunes to workout to, and I had an absolute blast but I can feel the aching in my shoulders and arms and know I am going to be feeling this tomorrow. It makes it so much more fun doing it together – kinda the most light-hearted the three of us are together. I want to keep doing these every other day (with or without the girls) but also want to be aware of the need not to over-do it or exhaust myself. I’m not going to start looking like Arnold Schwartzenegger in just a couple of weeks, but hopefully they will go some way to help tighten up and tone the skin on my arms and legs.

I’m going to put some more thought into what I want to write for my Semaglutide Anniversary, but first things first, I need to get through this PIP phone call tomorrow!