Still Sick, Still Struggling

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3| MGW ⟫ 141.9

Transition to Normal Food

Well I can’t say that I’m in a better place than I was on Tuesday. Today is a writing day and I can already tell that I’m not going to get a whole lot done. Mainly because it’s just after 7am in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. The last two days, I’ve been feeling absolutely awful – coughing, sneezing, a tightness just beneath my left breast and occasionally pain. There also feels like there’s a slight lump there but I’m not sure if I’m just winding myself up and everything is absolutely normal.

I’ve also got an almost constant pressure in my throat – I don’t know if it’s because I’m drinking my protein water mixed with sparkling mineral water and drinking through a straw, but it’s the best way to get my water in. It just feels like there’s something stuck in there but I can’t imagine what it would be – I set a timer so that I don’t drink anything for 30 minutes after I’ve eaten, which I kinda regretted the other day. Stripes made me a white fish fillet in mushrooms and garlic but I didn’t realise that she’d seasoned it with pepper. I bit down on a peppercorn and spent a good hour feeling like my chest was on fire. I think it irritated my pouch because things were very unhappy until I managed to drink some milk. Once I’d done that, I felt a lot better.

It makes me wonder if I should start a spreadsheet of the foods that I can’t cope with. I had Branston beans with a small amount of cheese and they were lovely and I managed them fine. I’ve also found the ready meals that I’ve been having relatively easy to manage. I only have half of the meal and nothing on the side and it seems to be working.

I think I need to reconsider my meals. I don’t know if it’s the mentality I had whilst on Ozempic – I didn’t have breakfast, then just had a main meal and snacks. I wonder if still doing something similar means that I am trying to get too much into my pouch in a small space of time and that’s why my throat feels the way that it does? I think I need to aim for little and often, with less slider foods like the yoghurt with mango puree that I’ve been eating. I’ve also discovered Babybel light and string cheese and they are the devil. They’re very moreish and relatively easy to get down and I find myself snacking on them more than I should. I don’t want to not have them because they are a good source of protein and get my calories up, but I do need to be aware that they are a bit of a temptation/danger food for me.

I bought myself a cup from Amazon to see if I can get my water intake up. It’s this one and is absolute massive. It holds 1.2 litres and comes with two different types of lid and two long straws. I am aiming for at least completely drinking one of these per day and using the protein water means that I am getting closer to my protein goals. Not that I know what those are – maybe I need to re-read the bariatric bible – but I have been trying to get to 80 g of protein per day.

I had a very upset stomach yesterday – the first time in what feels like quite a while. Maybe the scales will start moving downwards again? I really hope so – it’s so difficult to remain steadfast and optimistic when they haven’t moved for what feels like a good couple of weeks. I was expecting the three week stall but I wasn’t expecting to be at six weeks out and only have lost 20 lbs.

Now that it’s been six weeks, I want to begin exercising. The plan was to use the resistance bands that I got for Christmas and try to do them every other day. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have put paid to that idea – there are times when I can barely drag myself to the bathroom, let alone try to start exercising. And again, I’m worried that I’m making excuses for myself, letting myself fail because I’m afraid of success.

The girls are taking a couple of the cats to the vet for their annual vaccinations and I think I might try to get some sleep then. I know I’ve messed up my sleep schedule – I didn’t get to sleep until 6.30 am yesterday, then basically spent the day sleeping. I don’t want to become nocturnal because that seems to just be another way of avoiding real life. So of course, I’ve not slept tonight and will crash out when the girls leave around 10.30, then be awake in the middle of the night again. Argh, why do I do this to myself?

I have an ARC that I need to finish and review – I’m about halfway through so I should be able to get that done today/tomorrow. This weekend we are replacing Book_grim’s mattress, pillows and bedding. We think she has bed-bugs and I’ve been bitten because I spent a bit of time in there with her. I hope it’s not bed-bugs because I hate the damned things and I know it doesn’t take much for them to turn into an infestation. Book-grim is also talking about moving her bedroom around which I think could be a good thing. She’ll have to tidy various areas up in order to move things around, which I think will help her figure out how she wants to keep her space.

I know I need to clean up my bedroom again – the floor has got messy by the window, and I have clothes piled up in the chair next to my bed which was not the original plan. Once this leurgy has gone, I would like to get my room back to where I had it before the surgery. In the meantime, I’m not thinking about the rescheduled dietician’s visit which is on the calendar for 20th January. I worry that the scales will continue to go in the wrong direction. I was also thinking about the group meeting and worrying because I don’t want to take over and ask masses of questions (everyone hates the person that does that) but at the same time I want to ask things like about my vitamins, about the pain in my chest, etc and this is my best chance. I could email the dietician’s team before then but they were so slow to reply when I tried emailing them about my pre-op diet that I find myself thinking face-to-face would be better.

I’ve almost managed to wash out the lavender hair-colour which makes me hopeful that I will be able to try to rose-gold that I ordered from Amazon. It should be gone with maybe another one wash, maybe two. Not that it makes any difference since I still haven’t gone outside since the surgery. I had an excuse when it was snowing but it’s not at the moment, just bloody cold. I need to get my butt in gear and go out! I guess part of the issue is that I don’t want to visit any of the family members so I don’t actually have anywhere to go. And I don’t want to spend money because I am saving for the advance payment for the motability car. Right, I think that’s enough rambling – today I want to finish that ARC and try to have three meals and snacks, as well as at least a litre of water. Those are sensible goals!

One last note: I put 141.9 kg as my interim goal on Nutracheck which I am using to track my food and I have NO idea why I chose that number. I’ve done some calculations on my weight track spreadsheet and I can’t figure out why I chose it – it’s not a particular percentage compared to my start weight or anything like that. Maybe I’ll remember at some point and if so, hopefully make a note somewhere!

Dietician appointment postponed and where I'm at

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 9

How to explain where I am at the moment?

Well, my dietician appointment was postponed as the dietician couldn’t get into the hospital due to snow. I can’t even pretend that I wasn’t pleased about it – I cheered once I’d got off the phone – because I simply wasn’t ready. I’m all in my head about the rate of weight loss, what I’m eating, comparing myself to other people. I know that I have lost nearly 20 lbs since the surgery, but all that I see posted on Reddit and other places is people losing upwards of 35 lbs in the first month after surgery and it makes me feel like a failure.

I’m still constantly sipping protein water (apart for the 30 minutes after each meal) and have found that mixing it with diet lemonade makes it go down a lot faster, as well as drinking more. I’ve done an Asda shop and ordered masses of sparkling water in the hope that it will encourage me to drink more and ordered myself a faux Stanley cup so that I can keep going with that.

I had a small amount of Stripe’s char sui (oh man, I have missed eating that) and it was absolutely gorgeous to eat. I wondered if I would struggle eating pork but it was fine. I’ve also had a protein rice pudding but I’m not sure I want to repeat that. I don’t know if it’s because it was rice but it felt like it got ‘stuck’ in my windpipe and was an uncomfortable experience. I still need to learn the cues that my body gives me that I am full because sometimes I wonder if I am pushing through when I should just stop?

I tried Skyr yoghurt as it is meant to be high in protein but I didn’t get on with it. I felt nauseous and got sweaty (ugh) so I think I’m going to stick with Onken and Fage. I’ve been doing okay in the poop department – no constipation and no diarrhoea either, which makes a nice change from how things were for most of 2024.

I was talking to Stripes about how sometimes I wish I hadn’t had the surgery because I felt like I had more control when I was doing Ozempic. I struggle to remind myself that it has only just been five weeks since I had the surgery so things are still all over the place. You constantly read about the weight falling off of people once they’ve had the surgery but I certainly don’t feel like that’s the case. Again, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure, like I’m over-eating. I would imagine most people would think that I must be doing something wrong otherwise I would be losing weight. I log all of my food in MyFitnessPal and there hasn’t been a day when I’ve gone over 800 calories, so I don’t understand why the scales feel like they are creeping upwards instead of going down.

I was hoping to talk to the dietician about that in the meeting on Monday 6th, but it being postponed until 20th means that I still feel like I’m flying blind. I might email them and ask if I’m okay to start exercising – I want to begin using my resistance bands. I was going to wait until six weeks had passed but maybe they’ll say that I can start using them now if I feel up to it? I know a lot of people go back to work following the surgery in less than a fortnight, so surely the resistance bands is the equivalent of that? I don’t know how those people do it though – there is no way in hell I would have been able to work so quickly after having the op.

I was chatting to Jay and she asked me if I had been out since the surgery and I had to admit that, no, I hadn’t. She asked me how often I used to go out before the surgery and I said that I went to medical appointments or to get tattoos but otherwise I hated going out. I hate being the wheelchair and feeling like people are either staring at me or find me invisible. I also hated how it felt having Stripes pushing me around – the optics of this slender young woman having to push around her super morbidly obese mother just makes me feel sick.

Jay told me that I need to ignore other people and need to start living again. I know she’s right, that I was in essence hibernating at home and avoiding life. But it’s difficult, not least because of the expense of Ubers and going out. She’s challenged me to go to a cafe and I asked if the one at the hospital counted! She said yes but of course that was before the appointment was postponed.

I think the idea of getting a motability car is solidifying in my mind. Book_grim’s Uber dropped her off at the top of the road the other night when she came back from work because of the concerns about ice at the bottom of our hill. I know if it’s been snowing I probably wouldn’t want to go out and risk driving in those conditions, but it would be nice to have the option to jump in our own car to go places. I can’t do it until April because my PIP needs to be for at least a year before I can get a motability car and I need time to save for the potential advance payment. We’ve looked at both Jeep Avengers and MG HS electric cars because the advance payment is between £499 and £999 and they seem to be the best match for what we want to use it for. Apparently you can have a charger installed at your house as part of the arrangement, and if that isn’t possible then you get contributions or a card that will pay for you to charge at various places, so that could work out well.

I’ve gone down with yet another cold, although I’m a little concerned that this one might be flu. I feel weak, shaky and have a constant headache, and whatever this is seems to be hitting me harder than it has Book_grim. I do wonder if I’m catching all of these germs when she comes home from work, which she can’t help since she works in a customer-facing role, but it can be frustrating to constantly be going down with things.

I want to go out – I think. I want a chance to wear the hoodie the girls bought me for Christmas. I asked for a Calvin and Hobbes hoodie in a size 4x and when I tried it on at Christmas it was almost dress length. I want to be able to wear it out of the house, along with the giant chocolate puffer coat that I bought. I guess I want to show my gifts off but at the same time, I want to stay safe and warm in my little hidie hole. I don’t know – my head is a messed up place.

I have been watching 1000 lb Sisters and struggling with feeling like I’m acting like Tammy. It’s the earlier seasons so she is constantly saying that she will lose the weight she needs to in order to get the weight loss surgery, all the time fighting against the things she needs to do to get to that stage. I’ve made it past the surgery bit but worry that I am messing up in order ways. Stripes thinks that that is the voice of my mother in my head, telling me that I’m going to fail. Perhaps I need to do a bit more of the Mantra work to see if I can learn to be more compassionate with myself? I definitely need to get back into the therapy habit and will speak to my therapist as soon as possible.

I crashed out around 10.30 pm last night and woke up at around 4.30 am which is why I’m awake so early. I think I’m going to take my gabapentin and paracetamol and see if I can get back to work. There doesn’t seem to be more snow which is good as Book_grim has work this evening. Hopefully that means I can not worry about her (the other night I ended up staying awake until after 5 am as I wanted to make sure she got home safely) and actually get as much sleep as my body seems to need.

Puree Week - Day 6 and still sick!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.8 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 6

I’m beginning to wonder if I should try to see a doctor for this cold. I can’t think of one day since the surgery when I haven’t had issues sneezing or breathing and had simply put it down to the time of year. But today was tough – Stripes had to help me with the nebuliser again and I ended up having to sleep because it seemed like the only way I could relax enough to breathe properly. I don’t want to be overly dramatic but I also don’t want to dismiss symptoms of something being wrong.

I have wondered if I’m eating too quickly and taking in too much air – my scrambled egg today was gone really quickly as I left it too long and hadn’t realised how hungry I was. I’ve also found that the best way to eat my smoothie is with a spoon as sipping from the blender seems to encourage too much air getting in. It’s frustrating but then I also need to remind myself that it’s barely been three weeks and I’m not going to get it all right straight away.

Today was day 6 of puree’d food which means on Monday I should be going to mashables. And I am more than a little scared. I had all bran yesterday and it was fine – chewing each small bite between thirty and forty times seemed to work, but that was basically like gruel. It was mainly liquid anyway – I’m not sure how it’s going to work with more solid food. I think I might start with mashed potato because that can be quite liquid-y. I was really looking forward to the eatlean cheese but every time we’ve added even a small amount to my scrambled eggs, I’ve had issues. Saying that, I’d still like to try to melt some into my mashed potatoes and see if it works.

I also found myself eating whilst playing a game on my phone and I need to not let that become a habit. I need to eat mindfully – slowly, chewing each bite at least twenty times, each meal should last at least twenty minutes.

Hard to feel positive when I can barely breathe but let me see if I can come up with something. I didn’t panic as much as the first time it got this bad – instead, I made sure to ask Stripes for the nebuliser sooner rather than later, accepted my limitations and allowed myself to just sleep. I think I have been struggling with how slow my recovery has been without considering the fact that I had major abdominal surgery, my body is still healing, and this is just the beginning of the journey. I’m doing okay, I’m a work in progress and I’m doing okay.

Brace, brace, brace - incoming sneeze!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

This cold has escalated until I feel like it might just be the flu. Of course, if I had installed a braincell, I might have realised that some of what’s going on is withdrawal from a variety of meds. I haven’t taken most of my normal stuff since the day before surgery, but the emotional whiplash may well be because I went cold-turkey on my antidepressants. I don’t even know why I didn’t think about the effect it might have on me – physically and mentally – but it might explain some of the rollercoasters I’ve been riding.

Yesterday I tried an options hot chocolate sachet with skimmed milk. It tasted okay, but the texture felt really strange on my tongue and I couldn’t finish it. Then suddenly it was like everything on my insides needed to be on my outsides immediately and there followed a few urgent trips to the bathroom. Stripes said it might be dumping syndrome since that’s pretty much the first time I’ve had ‘chocolate’ so I think I’m going to avoid chocolate for the foreseeable.

We went through the manifesto agenda and I think we might have the beginnings of an idea as to how to move forward with cleaning schedules, etc. It’s never easy having those chats – doesn’t seem to matter how mature people are trying to be, me and Book_grim rub each other up the wrong way and things escalate to unpleasantness, and suddenly we’re running through grievances from years ago. It doesn’t help that I feel like absolute lukewarm shit.

The scales are driving me insane because the numbers are going up instead of down. Not by huge amounts, but it’s more than a little disheartening to find that it doesn’t look like there’s been any weight loss in week two. I’ve heard of the three week stall but not week two and of course my mind has run away with the idea that I’ve been doing things wrong and that the surgery didn’t work on me. Ridiculous and not helped even slightly by the fact that I am meant to be moving to pureed food from Friday. We put through an Asda order, with weetabix, protein sources, veggies – things with texture that can be blended to something smooth. I’m a little scared of it to be honest – sometimes it feels like the surgery literally just happened, other times like I’m dragging my feet with regard to progress, etc. I don’t want to mess this up – I don’t think that I am messing it up – but there’s this voice in the back of my head (no points for guess who it sounds like) telling me that I need to get a move on and put some work in, that if I’m not actively losing weight, then I’m failing.

There’s so much head stuff that needs to be worked through. Today, I have the last few presents arriving to be wrapped up (as well as some due on Thursday), but other than that, I wonder if I might just be doing myself a favour if I wrap up with cup-a-soup and sleep the day away.

Stripes found the dissolvable antipressants so I’ve started taking those – I’ll build them up but it’s good to know that we’ve got them here. She also made me a pina colada smoothie for breakfast, although it’s difficult because not only can I not taste a damned thing, I’m struggling to breathe with a blocked nose so I don’t know how much of it I’m going to be able to consume. Some Vicks vapour rub under my nose, have taken my paracetamol and drunk some protein water, and I think it’s definitely time to shut down the tech and see if I can sleep again! Might post more later!

I've caught a cold and one week post-op weight track

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.7 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

I’ve gone down with a cold and feel absolutely dreadful. Everytime I sneeze, I hold on to my abdomen and worry that I’m going to rip my incisions or something and sometimes there is a sharp pain. Of course, I am more than likely hyperfixating and panicking, but I do feel rough.

I ended up crashing out early evening again and slept for around six hours. On the one hand, excellent as rest is essential. On the other hand, it’s also why I was wide awake from midnight! This morning’s weigh means that since I weighed in at the hospital last Thursday morning, I have lost 4.70 kg (10.36lbs) which is nothing to be sneezed at. I know I still have a lot of air inside and I’m not drinking/eating enough, so my body almost feels like it’s hanging on to absolutely everything it can!

I’ve put together a basket for Click’n’Collect from Tesco and will ask Book_grim to go and pick it up. It will be good for to get out of the house and get some fresh air, and I know she used to quite enjoy a ramble around that Tesco as it was near to her Halls of Residence. I cancelled part of an order I’d placed with Amazon as it was saying delivery by next Wednesday which makes a mockery of Prime and I just added the stuff to the Tesco order. I’ve gone for skimmed milk, skimmed milk powder, greek yoghurt, some cup a soups, tissues (soft ones for my sore nose) and a few other bits and bobs. I don’t think I’ll have to order anything again for a little while, not until the girls do the Christmas food shop anyway.

I don’t know what I want to do with my day. I finished the book I was reading (absolutely brilliant and I wrote a review immediately which I posted here but I might take the opportunity to browse through the ARCs available through GRR as I haven’t requested one in a while. Yesterday, I updated my banners so there’s nothing that needs doing there. And this cold means that I don’t particularly feel like trying to write some fiction – my brain has taken a vacation!

I think I might try to stay awake long enough to wake up Book_grim to go for my shopping then have an afternoon nap, try to stay awake this evening and spend some time with the girls. So weird to think that this time last week, they’d probably just popped their head around the curtain to say that someone from Theatre would be coming up to collect me. Bizarre to think that was only a week ago when it feels like I’ve been through so much since then.

I definitely want to try to get the bathroom deep cleaned before Christmas. The guy Book_grim hired to do the kitchen did such a brilliant job, it would be lovely to have that recreated elsewhere in the flat. So maybe I’ll have a tootle around AirTasker and see what prices people are offering for cleaning so that I can get a bargain but not be insulting.

I do have some Christmas wrapping to do, but not feeling up to all the movement required to get that done! I think Book_grim is doing Marmee’s present, I did Vee’s and Stripes is doing Shar’s. When I get my next payment on Tuesday, I’ll order the Oldest’s presents and then my Christmas shopping is pretty much all done. I don’t really do cards so job done. Yep, I think I deserve to snuggle down with my coffee and a book and doze until it’s time to do the next thing on my list.

Pre-Op Diet Day 14 and the Choccy Waterfalls have returned!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 164.5 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 14

Surgery Countdown⟫ 14 days

Well it looks like the couple of days without diarrhoea have come to an end. Add that to coming down with a cold, and I feel like death. It’s meant to be a writing day but when I woke up around 8 am, I knew I was in no state to try to get anything done, so went back to bed. Finally woke up around 3pm and still feel like shit. The only consolation is that it’s better to suffer and recover from this cold a couple of weeks before the surgery because any closer to the actual date and they might postpone the surgery to give me a chance to recuperate.

Asda is demonic – Stripes ordered some chicken breasts in the bi-weekly shopping so that I could have a change from the white fish fillet I’ve been eating and of course, Asda sent chicken drumsticks and no breasts at all. So fish again tonight. I tried to pull a swifty by having a watered down slimfast shake with some Jordan’s sf syrup but it was shortly after I finished drinking it that the bout in the bathroom occurred so I don’t think I’m going to be able to slide up to two shakes and a meal a day. Since I still haven’t heard back from the bariatic dietician, I’m going to call tomorrow to see if they have any advice for me.

Not sure how I feel about their lack of contact. Initially, it was definitely my fault because I didn’t include all of the pertinent details they needed like hospital number, but I replied on Monday early evening so they had all of yesterday and today to get back in touch with me. A little disappointed maybe? Or maybe it’s just that nearly ever-present feeling of being alone in all of this? It all feels a little too hands off which is worrying.

"Stop saying 'I hope I can' and start saying 'I'm going to make this happen'.

Just read this in an inspirational email I received and it definitely resonated with me. I keep thinking I hope I can do this; reminding myself that the only way to fail is to stop trying; getting down because I think I’ve failed – a positive mindset does make a difference though. Perhaps I should keep this in the forefront of my mind for at least the next few days?

To be honest, I am so exhausted I can well imagine that I’m just going to spend the next few days sleeping!