Time for a catch up!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 152.3| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Blimey, it’s definitely time for a catch up!

Home stuff first. We have a leak coming through the bathroom ceiling – it seems to be coming from upstairs’ bathroom, isn’t steady or regular but we did get someone from the council out to have a look. I need to check with Stripes to find out what the guy said but I do know he spoke to the people upstairs who were apparently not very nice to him! Something about their bathtub seal needing to be redone. We’ll have to see.

The pump in the shower stopped working, and just so happened to do so whilst I was rinsing out natural black hair-dye! So the shower stall was full of murky dark purple water and we used quite a few towels mopping it up. A guy from the council came to have a look, then said he’d be back as he was an electrician and it looked like a job for a plumber. He did come back and they said they think the drain needs to be flushed through because the pump seems to be working, so we’re waiting on another appointment for that. Stripes managed to mop up the main floor so the bathroom is still useable but it’s a pain in the butt.

I dyed my hair – it was meant to be natural black but for some reason has come out a deep purple colour! Stripes said I should just accept that obviously my hair is meant to be purple, but I am a little disappointed. It would have been interesting to see what I looked like with dark, natural coloured hair.

The scales are moving downwards so, so slowly but I have reached a new low of 152.3. I did see 151 something on the scales but it didn’t last so I won’t count it. Since surgery, I have lost over 12 kg, which sounds impressive but I am more than a little disappointed. It’s not even 2 stone and it’s been over two months now. I know I should be pleased because the weight is coming off but I can’t help but wish for a faster rate of loss.

Following a recommendation at the group hospital meeting I went to last week, I have been drinking Vimto Protein powder and it seems to be helping me up my protein. Stripes has gone to Home Bargains and is meant to be getting me a couple of tubs of some protein powder from up there: tropical flavour and also blackcurrant, which was the bargain price of £14.99, so that could be good. I’ve also been eating Asda’s white fish fillet in cheese sauce for dinner. A whole one is a bit too much, which I discovered because I pushed too far (i.e.. kept eating after the burping started) and felt like my chest was constricted. I’m pleased that I’m beginning to read the signs that I am reaching my limits but man, it’s a tough lesson sometimes.

My daily meals look something like this:

Breakfast: Babybel light x 2, string cheese

Dinner: Fish fillet with mushrooms

Snacks: Protein pudding with dark espresso chocolate sugar free syrup, followed by another couple of cheeses if I’m still feeling peckish later.

I’m averaging between 500 and 800 calories a day, so I have managed to get them up since the hospital visit. I’ve had porridge or scrambled eggs a couple of days, but generally I don’t seem to be able to manage three meals per day. I think that I need to be eating a little more and also more regularly and then maybe the weight loss might speed up? It’s just difficult to do AND get my water in, hence going for protein water.

I’m back onto paracetamol in tablet form although sometimes it feels like it get stuck. It also means I’ve been able to start taking my aspirin again, as well as my propranolol. I’m only managing to get three sets of meds in during the day instead of four, but it’s a step in the right direction of returning to normal so I’m pleased with that. I’ve been struggling with a threatening migraine all week, but so far it hasn’t manifested fully. I can’t even blame the stress of stuff around the house because it started before all of that happened.

Book_grim isn’t well – totm has been extremely painful this month, with severe pain, heavy bleeding and fatigue, and she looks pale af. She hasn’t been able to go to work and this morning, I managed the miracle of getting her a doctor’s appointment – face to face. He has prescribed her some slightly heavier duty painkillers instead of ibuprofen or paracetamol, and he’s arranging for her to have an ultrasound. I’m a bit worried – we have a history of endometriosis and fibroids in the family, and I know one of my sisters ended up having a hysterectomy for her fibroids, so I’m hoping it’s nothing that serious.

Stripes bought me a jigsaw puzzle which is driving me insane. It’s a glorious picture of a bumble bee amongst some sunflowers, but it’s kinda circular instead of rectangular, and the pieces are all kinds of odd shapes. She got something similar for Christmas so decided to torture me in a similar fashion. She also got some sticky-backed plastic, so when we finally do finish it, we can line the back and I can have it displayed in my room. That’s if I ever finish it – this thing is fiendish!

Things ended between Book_grim and Luke, which was a bit of a shame. He said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship so I kinda respect him for not messing her about, although I know she was upset by the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ of it all. Mom visited us last Thursday and spent about 90 minutes with us. It was weird – two of the cats were on the bed with me, along with Book_grim and Stripes was in the chair next to me – I felt very surrounded, very protected. She was obviously on her best behaviour although she did make a few fat-phobic comments that had me biting my tongue. I managed to stick with the whole information-diet and didn’t tell her about any weight loss or anything like that, so I feel that overall it went okay. She’s off on holiday again on Saturday which should take some strain off.

I tried to do the Leslie Sansone One Mile Walk on Monday and almost killed myself! I made it a third of the way through but was utterly exhausted afterwards. Today, I did my first session with my new resistance bands and was pleased that I made it all of the way through. I did manage to twang myself in the back of the thigh about three or four times; Stripes hit herself in the face; and afterwards I have been struggling with some pain in my hip, but overall I’m pleased with what I managed to do.

I got some new shoes – the Wednesday Crocs!

They are a little tight across my right foot so I need to fill them with some newspaper or something to stretch them out. The weird thing is that I bought a size 9 and they seem a bit long for me? If the width wasn’t an issue, I’m pretty sure that they’d be too big for me which freaked me out just a little. I guess it could be viewed as a NSV, but I didn’t expect to lose length from my feet! It would be so much handier if I could get my feet to not be so puffy and swollen, but maybe that will come with time?

Heading into February and I think I want to go through my clothes rail to see if there are clothes I can get rid of. I don’t want to even consider getting any new clothes until I really start to see some weight loss but I think it would be a good idea to clear the rack nevertheless. I’m not sure whether I want to try to sell them or maybe I should just take them to a charity shop. Most of my clothes are very old anyway – like, three or four years old, so I doubt anyone is going to want to buy them so I’m not sure if it’s even worth the effort of trying to sell them. I guess we’ll see. I also want to have a go at tidying my bedroom, as the floor has got cluttered again and some of the cables for my laptops look all twisted and tangled at the side of the bed.

So I guess that’s pretty much it for January. Tomorrow, I need to post my book reviews round up, and on Saturday I want to take some new progress photos. You never know, I might actually get up the nerve to post some side-by-side photos here but I wouldn’t count on it. Not unless I can really see some changes anyway!

Not the best start to the year

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.9|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 4

As part of my transition to normal food, I am allowed to eat ready meals. The suggestion is to eat half as a full portion. Yesterday, I tried a Tesco Cottage pie and was able to eat the whole thing, which to be honest freaked me out more than a little. It seemed like I ate A LOT and I was really concerned. Over the course of the day, I had All Bran with skimmed milk, Mango and passion fruit yoghurt with mango puree and the shepherd’s pie. According to MyFitnessPal, I ate 533 calories but I found myself feeling really guilty, like I was working against the sleeve. I did feel full but not whilst I was eating. I chew everything 20 times and try to count to 20 between each mouthful so that I am not eating too fast.

I ended up feeling really blue and needy yesterday, asked the girls for hugs and stayed up until after 5 am watching my 600 lb Life. I don’t know if I was trying to scare myself into remembering how bad things were or where I might have ended up; whether I was trying to use them as encouragement or seeing what happens when the patients don’t listen to Dr Now. Whatever it was, it didn’t help me feel any better.

I slept in until just after 2 pm this afternoon and my first interaction was with Book_grim and it didn’t go well. We’ve had conversations in the past about how difficult it can be for me to bring up potentially ‘contentious’ issues with her – she feels like she’s in trouble or that I’m attacking her when I just think I’m asking a question or raising a query. Today went the same way – I asked about a couple of things she said she would do that she hadn’t because she was doing her nails, and it almost automatically led to a bit of a show-down. Stripes came home from shopping in the middle of it and had to referee/translate, but things ended with Book_grim going out to the car porch and smashing plates whilst I felt like I’d done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and was reeling.

Book_grim said she was going through a bit of a down period mentally, which is understandable, but I still don’t think that justifies her shouting at me because I ask about her showering. I also raised the point that she knew I was feeling fragile and that I have expressed on numerous occasions that I am not having a go at her, she’s not in trouble and that I am trying to approach her as one adult to another about something that was agreed. It’s also a really difficult subject to bring up to someone – when was the last time they showered, reminding them that they said that they would several days on the go and still haven’t done it, and instead doing something ‘fun’ like painting nails.

I don’t know – sometimes I just want to say that I just won’t ask her anything but that’s ridiculous and doesn’t work because there are three of us living in the house together and we need to be able to talk about the difficult stuff. Regardless, we all went out separate ways for a few hours and reconvened for dinner. I watched some reviews of Electric cars because I am definitely interested in getting one with my PIP money come April.

This evening, we’ve watched two episodes of the new Harlan Coben series on Netflix, but my eating has been problematic. I didn’t feel like I could eat after the conversation with Book_grim because my stomach felt like it was literally twisted in knots and the thought of eating made me want to throw up. I ended up having the second half of the cottage pie, and once again I managed to eat all of it. Then I had two scrambled eggs and managed both of them and now I’m feeling like a pig because I ate so much. I don’t want to go down this road – I want to have a good attitude towards food, not a judgemental one. I may have another look at the Mantra paperwork I was doing before the new year to see if it can help me at all. There’s no way that I’m meeting my protein goals at the moment and the closer we get to the appointment at Heartlands, the more concerned I am.

I don’t want to compare myself to other people but I find myself wondering about the people I’m going to meet at the group thing. Whether they’re all going to be smaller than me; have lost more weight since their surgery; have meds and food handled and are tootling along successfully whilst I feel like I’m fucking up constantly. I guess there’s no way to find that out until I go to the appointment but that’s buzzing around in my head.

In good news, I did manage to sleep on my left side and the tumble-drier feeling in my stomach wasn’t any where near as bad as it has been. So maybe I can forgo the sit-up pillow for the future?

I don’t want to try to force myself to eat anything further today, but I want to try to get up in the morning tomorrow and try to have the recommended three meals and two snacks, although I might need to check that. When I was on pureed food, they said I should be having five of those a day, so maybe I should be aiming for five very small meals a day? Something to check the bariatric bible for.

Basically not the beginning to the new year that I was hoping for. Sigh.

Pre-op Diet Day 19 and just not feeling it

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 163.6 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 19

Surgery Countdown⟫ 09 days

Tired me is grumpy. Finally crashed out just after 8 am and woke up just around 2 pm and feeling mardy as all heck. My order from Amazon turned up today (kudos to Amazon despite hating them for removing my reviews) so I have a decent stock of Slimfast now.

Got a reply from NewYou giving me the post office my parcel has been left with and telling me I can just go with a form of address. I was less than impressed – I paid for delivery but have to run around and grab this stuff myself? I think not. I booked a redelivery (allegedly for tomorrow but we’ll see) and responded to their customer service team stating that I would like to know how to make an official complaint about how this was handled. Strangely, from there they found themselves able to lodge a complaint with Parcelforce, ensure I get delivery in the next couple of days and refund the delivery fee. Like I said, we’ll see if they follow through.

Both Stripes and BookGrim had tough appointments today and I was just feeling like sludge, so we ordered from Uber-eats. I had fish and stripped off the batter, along with some garlic mushrooms. We’ll see how my body feels about that no doubt, but at least I ate. I need to have one more slimfast before bed and consider the day done.

I think it’s going to be an evening of Cross or even carrying on with the Predators movies and hopefully an early night.

On another note, I think it might be time for a thc-break. I was going to stop vaping for at least a week before the operation – again, something to add to the surgery tracking spreadsheet so the girls can remind me if I try to blaze after Wednesday. Calling it done here!

Pre-Op Diet Day 17 and full of worries

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 164 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 17

Surgery Countdown⟫ 11 days

Still wide awake as not managed to get to sleep yet. Fed the beasties which meant Stripes got to have a lie-in and have been futzing around the internet. J recommended a woman on YouTube who had a mini gastric bypass, Laura Budreviciene, so have put her videos on the TV and will just keep going until sleep overcomes me.

How incredibly typical of me, I was 3lbs away from 100lbs off and the scales have gone back up. It would be so easy to get disheartened or panic that time is running out for me to reach the medical goal they set for me, but I am trying not to let that take over. It could be the Immodium I took the other day keeping me ‘blocked’ up and things will settle down soon – quick reminder to take my psyllium husks!! – and the weight will start to fall again.

_ - _ + _ - _

Does anyone else struggle with the right way to talk to people about difficult things? Stripes and I are on different journeys – I need to lose weight and she needs to gain weight. It means that the past couple of weeks of intense scrutiny on what I’m eating, what’s happening with the scales have been difficult. We’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, both struggling to complete our own journey whilst also trying to support the other, understand the way their brain works, and be empathetic/kind with words spoken.

But it feels so unfair that my journey has to impact on hers. She cooks approximately 99% of my meals and is heavily involved in the whole surgery process. She’s probably read the bariatric bible as many times as I have, if not more. And I worry about what that’s doing to her psyche. She always gives 110% to those she loves and supports, but it means that there’s very little left for her.

I have tried reminding her that the saying goes fix your oxygen mask before you try to help other people and I know she tries hard to follow that, but her natural inclination is to care deeply about me and the things I’m handling. Which means when she sees that I haven’t slept, she’s there offering a listening, advice and sympathy. But far too often, it’s to her detriment. This morning/afternoon (gonna be honest, after not sleeping I really have no idea whether it’s night or day), we were talking about my feelings of guilt and why I didn’t sleep. But she’s not sleeping either and that really worries me. She’s taking on such a huge burden being my shoulder for all of this that I sometimes think she completely forgets that she needs to take care of herself too.

And it’s hard to say that to her without it sounding ungrateful or even condescending, which I absolutely hate. I want her to feel free to say ‘not now – not enough bandwidth’ but she struggles with doing that because she doesn’t want me to feel more isolated and alone with all of this. I know sometimes the stuff I watch on YouTube (people’s VSG journey, weight loss, etc) can be triggering but because she knows that it helps me, she won’t say anything to discourage me from watching it. And it’s so hard not to just let it slide – just this once – watch something that might help me and hope that it doesn’t do her harm. But that’s not good enough – I want to do better. I want to reach surgery date with the two of us in a strong position and the only way that that happens is if we’re honest with each other. If we say ‘daisy’ when we really can’t take another word about a subject.

Gidget will talk to me – it can take some prodding and encouragement – but she does open up and share her fears. Stripes doesn’t do that as much – often in an attempt to protect me, but sometimes because she can’t articulate them, or because she doesn’t want to share them – which means that I worry that she’s holding it all in and its’ festering. But sometimes, it literally is just because she needs space and time to work through other things that are on her mind. I have to remind myself that I don’t have the right to demand that she talk to me on my timescale – that she’s perfectly entitled to say that she doesn’t want to discuss something – and not view it negatively. Yes, I worry – but as her mother, that’s in the job description – but my worry doesn’t supersede her right to privacy and space.

I might have to put myself down for a nap. I keep getting weird pins and needles all over my body and my vision goes blurry, and I’m pretty sure that’s down to lack of sleep. I had a slimfast with Gidget when she got in from work, so I don’t really need to eat anything. Maybe a couple of hours sleep will help me with the sense of foreboding I’m struggling with. I wondered if it was about the whole PIP situation as I still haven’t heard a decision from them, but in all likelihood it’s literally just being dead-tired, stressed and fighting off this bloody cough/cold.

They do say everything looks better after a good night’s sleep. Gaviscon, trip to the loo, and then I’m turning off all of the tech and I’m going to grab some shut-eye. Castiel is dozing on the sofa next to my bed and I think I should follow his example.

It's Too Soon to Catastrophise....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179.2 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

As you may have already realised, my brain is not a good place to be generally speaking. I can catastrophize even the best situation and a lot of the time, I can’t see the wood for the trees. Well now I have something new to catastrophize and berate myself about.

Yesterday, Stripes passed out whilst at Asda and spent a few hours up at A&E. The good part? A full check up which shows nothing to be concerned about, which should be reassuring. Should be reassuring because my head went to so many places whilst she was out. Brain damage, the intermittent fainting thing that I do, what would happen if --- who the hell knows what if my brain is grasping at; the fact that I couldn’t be up there with her, regardless of the fact that the A&E didn’t allow relatives/family to be there because of space issues; feeling helpless; feeling like it’s my fault that she’s not well/struggling because she prioritises me over herself. All of that lovely stuff.

Yesterday was not a good eating day. I had granola for breakfast – huge amounts of granola with oat milk. The plan for dinner was something small but obviously things went tits up. I had a packet of Jaffa cakes, crisps, followed by takeaway cheeseburger, fries and a ferrerro rocher cheesecake. Just seeing all of that written out makes me flush with shame. It doesn’t matter that I have excuses – being stressed shouldn’t mean that I simply abandon all of my attempts to get my weight loss journey back on track. I’m ashamed of myself for so many reasons that it’s nearly impossible to de-tangle.

I spoke to my Marmee this morning, just to vent and it helped. But then I feel bad because she’s getting up there in age and me adding the stress that is my problems to her is not good. I feel like I’m backed into a corner and the space is getting smaller and smaller.

In good news, Gidget got her assignments handed in. I know that they were past the deadline which caps it at 40% but that is still a pass. In the meantime, she has said she wants to think about whether university is the place for her. Biggest issue is that she doesn’t know what else she might want to do that, hence floating along with the course. Which I can completely understand but the stress of her getting her work in on time is kinda huge. We talked about her not being in Halls of residence next year to avoid the end of year rush – appropriate supervision/overseeing to make sure she has all of her appointments, medication, etc. But that only works whilst she’s prepared to work with us and I’m not sure she’s there just yet.

It’s the first time I’ve been in the kitchen in quite some time and I think the summer declutter should start in there. Just grab bin bags and start getting rid of shit. If it hasn’t been used in the past year, out it goes. Not cooking stuff, obviously, but everything else. We could grab the chair from the cat room and I could sit and help, maybe washing dishes etc, but use this as a chance for the three of us to work on something together. I was also looking into getting a professional company in to do a deep clean for us so that we’re starting from a good place for the summer, but I’m not even sure how to go about getting someone in for that. I need to talk to Stripes.

I’m feeling bloated, tired, grateful that Stripes is alright but with lingering terror – not the best way to go into the weekend! And it’s jab night – brilliant! Let’s just not mention that the scales have gone up again – I think one more thing and I might just implode.

Panic Attacks and Summer Worries

Today I had a panic attack. Well, this evening. Gidget has the deadline for her university work coming up on Saturday and has what seems like a lot of work left to do. Last year, we went through something similar but we thought things were okay. Turns out, she didn’t hand in any of her assignments and had to redo the year. Of course, since then, she has had a diagnosis of ADHD (which we have been fighting for for years) and was also put on medication. However, apart from getting an extension on her assignments, it doesn’t change the fact that she still has to put in the work.

Over the last few weeks, we have tried discussing it with her, but unfortunately all of these conversations went the same way as they always used to in the past – she shuts down, refuses to discuss things, makes vague promises and basically checks out. In the past, this has led to huge arguments, especially as she essentially shuts down any conversation that isn’t about a pleasant topic, not something that is sustainable. And the stress of these arguments, the consequences of her actions have hit all three of us extremely hard. It is no exaggeration to say that just over three years ago, we asked her father if he would be prepared to have her live with him because things here were just so awful.

And we’re right back there again. Things between Gidget and I have been better since she has been living in Halls – the separation has enabled her to live the way that she wants to, without me on her back about keeping her room tidy, etc. Getting a part time job also helped. But it doesn’t – and hasn’t – addressed the fact that I simply cannot discuss anything serious or potentially contentious with her without it turning into a huge screaming match, with Stripes trying to mediate in the middle. No matter what I say, or how I say it, Gidget hears me having a go at her, blaming her for things, or simply not hearing the difficulties that she experiences. I on the other hand feel that although I can sympathise with a lot of the difficulties that she experiences, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she still has to handle her shit – take the meds, talk to the tutors, do the work. Which she has once again failed to do.

Added to which, the stress of worrying about what happens if she fails again affects my ability to sleep. I know that is a ME issue, but it’s there. Whenever we talk about serious things, she becomes rude, obstructive and sometimes abusive, and when she’s pulled up on it, claims that she can’t stop herself. But my thing is, she stops herself with everyone else: at uni, at work, in the street – if she loses her temper or gets wound up, she doesn’t lash out at people the way that she does at me and Stripes. Which makes me think/feel that this isn’t a ‘blind rage’ situation – this is one of those times when (on some occasions literally) the only damage done is to me and Stripes. Nothing of Gidget’s ever gets damaged. She controls herself everywhere else but here and it has a detrimental effect on everyone.

Whatever. That isn’t something that’s going to be solved by writing here.

After the discussion, where I finally said that I wasn’t prepared to sit and talk in circles any longer as it had been going on for over two hours by this point, she left the room to go and get her stuff together to go back to Halls. Stripes and I were kinda just sitting in silence, vaguely talking about watching a movie. That is the last coherent thing I remember before everything just went wrong.

I couldn’t breathe, felt like there was a belt wrapped around my chest that was getting tighter and tighter, that I was shaking and couldn’t hold myself together. I was scared that I was having another heart attack and pretty much convinced that I was going to die. Stripes did her best to keep me calm and gave me the spray that I was prescribed when I had my heart attack last year (year before that?), checked my oxygen levels and took my blood pressure. By the time I had calmed down, Gidget had got her stuff together and left to go back to Halls. Stripes said she did ask if I was alright but I didn’t hear her ask that; she didn’t share her uber journey back to Halls and Stripes had to contact her to ensure that she made it home safely.

I’m terrified for what the summer brings. Gidget isn’t making enough money to move out – she works two nights a week and uses that money as ‘spending cash’. She still relies on monthly money from her father. I’ve talked to her about grabbing any extra shifts that are available but she keeps forgetting. She has very strong boundaries, some of which even she admits are unfair to me and Stripes. But that doesn’t mean that she’ll budge from them – she just acknowledges that they are unfair. She completely refuses to see that she is not suffering from blind rage – she feels that I push her buttons and wind her up, that I attack her verbally and she is just defending herself, that I don’t appreciate the struggles that she has.

And she might be right. I acknowledge that sometimes I fight dirty and can be immature in my responses. Sometimes I feel so angry with her attitude and how she behaves, her lack of regard or empathy, that I snap and say mean things too. But I really feel that I try to see her point of view. I try to offer assistance, encouragement, ideas she can try. But I am constantly rebuffed and rejected – if I step out of the box of ‘fun’ mother who plays video games with her, checks in on her and her friends, listens to her gossip and offers ‘vague’ advice, I get body-slammed because everything I say or do is wrong.

I cannot imagine another summer handling things like that. I can only imagine what it will do to Stripes, who has made such progress with her ED and counselling. I don’t want to watch one of my daughters fade away because one of my other daughter’s is too selfish to think about other people.

And then on to my selfish thoughts. The entire weekend when Gidget was looking after me, I made food choices that weren’t based on wanting to eat well, but on what was easiest. I made choices that at best could be described as emotional eating. I went extremely long hours without eating because I didn’t want to wake Gidget up. I don’t want this to be another time when my eating plan, my focus on myself and my success at losing weight gets lost under the weight of the three of us trying to live together.

I’m scared that this summer will be the final nail in the coffin of Ozempic and what it has been able to do for me. I know that I’m an emotional eater, and being around Gidget is one of the most high octane and emotional states that I can be in. How do we survive this intact? And what the hell do we do if Gidget once again fails university? She won’t be able to re-take the year again, and the only job she’s had has been the door work/running she does two nights a week. The thought of her being stuck indoors – the three of us stuck together with no escape for any of us just makes me feel so fucking depressed. I don’t even want to consider how dark my thoughts are at the moment. It’s 4 am and I’m writing this in the hope that by getting it out of my head, I will be able to sleep. The panic attack has left me with my nerves jangling, exhausted in body but my mind is racing. I even looked up the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks – like it makes any difference in the scheme of things.

I don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I don’t want Stripes to lose the progress she has made.. I don’t want Gidget to lose the progress she has made. I want us to be able to live together, safely, healthily. But I just don’t know what that looks like. God, this is such a long-ass rambling post that probably won’t make a blind bit of difference. But I guess I just needed to get the words out so that when I calm down, I can re-read them and see what I can change.

I can’t change what other people do – I can only change how I react to them. I need to remember that, internalise that, and think about the boundaries that I want and need to set for myself.