Did YOU know that rhubarb ferments?!!!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.7 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Did you know that rhubarb ferments like grapes because I sure as hell didn’t! For some reason on Friday/Saturday, I decided I really wanted fruit crumble – get more fruit in to make up something resembling my five a day. I had some on Sunday and Monday – Sunday I felt my stomach twisting up like it had the week before when I had the d&v but we didn’t put it together until last night after I had my dessert. So that’s another fruit off the list and my numbers have shot up with water retention so it doesn’t look like July is gonna be my month for mega-losses.

The sulphur burps are driving me insane today as I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up and my sleep isn’t very good either because I’m too scared to use my CPAP mask whilst burping like this in case I throw up whilst wearing it. So, yeah, I’m feeling more than a little bit sorry for myself.

It’s a writing day so time to wrap up the month of July – not sure I’ve got a lot to say because I don’t feel like I’ve achieved very much this month. Looks like I’ve lost 2kg over the course of the month which is pretty pitiful. Okay, positive hat on. That’s 2kg less than I weighed last month and I still have tomorrow’s weigh in.

⟫ I’ve learned of two fruits that I can’t eat which means, all being well, I won’t suffer through this again;

⟫ I weigh less than I did last month, even if it’s just 2 kg;

⟫ Roughly half a kilo per week works out at an average loss of between 1-2 lbs which is what I should be aiming at for steady loss;

⟫ the tattoos on my thighs are sitting differently because of weight loss – that’s the only explanation I can make for it anyway;

⟫ I’m still doing this – it’s seven months into the year and I am still doing this. I can’t think of the last time I stuck to trying to lose weight for this length of time so I should be proud of myself. Not to mention that it hasn’t always been easy with side effects and real-life getting in the way;

⟫ I missed my diabetic follow up phone call with the doctor’s surgery but they haven’t called back so is it safe to assume that my numbers are doing okay?

⟫ I did more mantra work although I still need to have a go at the letters they suggest writing. But that means I’m still doing the head work.

That’s not a bad round up!

non scale victory, Mantra and yo-yo scales

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 177.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The scales continue to do their little yo-yo dance. I’ve seen 176 a few times but then towards the end of the week, 177 has been showing up more frequently. I thought it might be constipation but last night I had my ‘clearing out’ so I was really hoping that the scales would show a difference. Instead, I’m still in the 177s which is depressing. In fact, I’m the same weight as I was ten days ago.

Today I finally cracked open the latest Mantra worksheet that Stripes has lent to me. It’s about “Learning to Manage Extreme and Overwhelming Emotions” and every single one of those capitalisations is deserved. This was a bit of a nasty one, especially as we’re trying to negotiate the whole living together with the three of us and keeping things fair. Obviously with the whole JC situation, Gidget has let a few things slip but with them being banned from the club, things should settle down. Which means its’ time to address the stuff that hasn’t been being taken care of at home.

We almost instantly reverted to our normal: Gidget apologising and saying she would do better without being able to give anything concrete, whilst also appearing to not understand why it was an issue that she was letting Stripes carry the bulk of things. There was an outburst where she basically accused Stripes and I of holding a silent WhatsApp conversation slagging her off and how we hate her and think she’s lazy. It’s not things we haven’t heard before but it’s disappointing that we’re back to that, even though she knows that we’re not having secret conversations about her, don’t hate her, don’t wish she wasn’t here, etc.

Which brings me back to the Mantra stuff because it suggests writing letters from different perspectives so that you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes. But isn’t part of the problem that we keep putting ourselves in her shoes, often to our detriment because we try to be understanding and supportive. There’s only so much empathy you can have for someone before you have to set a boundary to protect yourself isn’t there? But how do you do that when you know someone you care about is struggling? I keep saying to Stripes that we need to make sure we’re not setting ourselves on fire in order to keep someone else warm, but it’s so difficult finding the right cut-off point. And often, we are not in the same place at the same time so, for example, me setting a boundary to protect myself might mean that Stripes is then in a position of more harm because she is having to handle the ‘slack’ left by my withdrawal and vice versa.

Eating-wise, this last week I have been struggling with eating even when I’m not hungry. I can’t figure out what I want to eat so am just having hot-dogs with onions each day, followed by Jaffa cakes, a bag of crisps, a couple of cherry bakewells and strawberries. That doesn’t sound so bad, but I also sometimes have chocolate buttons and it feels like I’m having a lot of chocolate, and I’m eating just because it’s in front of me. The issue is I hate continuously asking Stripes to interrupt her evening to get me things so its’ easier if I get it all at once, but then I end up eating it.

My sleep patterns are shit – last night I didn’t go to bed at all, and finally crashed around 11.30 am this morning. I set an alarm for 2 pm so that hopefully I’ll get tired at a normal time and actually get a night’s sleep. And I know that not sleeping doesn’t help with the weight loss aspect of things, so its’ all a bit circular. Even vaping isn’t helping with the sleeping although that might be the strain that I’m vaping at that time of night that I need to look into.

I have a telephone appointment scheduled with Violet for 19th August and I would really love to finally shift into new numbers before that appointment happens. Which is a mini goal of losing about 2 kgs in the next four weeks. That should be more than doable but I must admit, I feel doubtful that I can reach that target. Which means that the ever-present sword of weight loss surgery rears its’ head again. Violet is very good at chasing them up which means I might well hear back from them by the end of August and a decision needs to be made.

And I’m not ready to make the decision. I still want to see if I can do this using Ozempic or other semaglutides and avoid surgery altogether. But I need to be realistic. I don’t know if I need to titrate up again to a higher dose but just the idea makes me feel scared. Not necessarily about the weight loss but about the potential side effects.

I did have a NSV. I bought a new dressing gown in a size 28/30. Normally, I pick the biggest size a store does. In men’s dressing gowns I’ve been wearing an 8XL and its’ roomy (but also old and a little smelly) so I looked for a new one. I opted for the 28/30 as the 32/34 was out of stock. It fits but its’ not roomy and feels constrictive. I don’t know if the restriction is because its too small for me or I’m just not used to wearing things that fit. I also bought some ‘satin-like’ pyjamas and ended up changing out of them because I just couldn’t relax. They fit – I got them on, could sit down and everything, but I was just so aware of them and worried that I would rip them or something that I ended up changing into something cotton, stretchy and a size larger.

I might try to do some of the Mantra exercises – writing letters detailing an emotionally traumatic event and how me and the girls handled it from each of their perspectives. I just feel like that’s going to be incredible emotional in and of itself and am too fragile emotionally to do that today. My brain just won’t let me – I need a reset. Mantra talked about methods of self-soothing so I think I’m going to try to figure out what soothes me when I’m feeling overwhelmed (soothing in a healthy way, like reading, writing, playing games).

Heading into the last week and a half of July and feeling more than a little defeated. I really need to sharpen my focus on myself and what I want and need because otherwise why am I on this medication? It won’t work unless I work with it and I don’t feel that I have been able to do that over the last few weeks. I need to recommit to myself, maybe re-read some of my previous posts and get the fire back. Because at the moment I have the inclination, motivation and enthusiasm as a wet firework. And heading into the second half of the year, I want to be firing on as many cylinders as possible and giving myself the best chance of success.

the winds of change are blowing....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.3 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

The winds of change are blowing! Stripes went to collect my Ozempic prescription only to hear the dreaded words: the pharmacy had none in stock. They suggested going back to the GP and requesting either the 0.25 or the 1 mg as they had stock of both. Nothing is ever that simple, so Stripes emailed the surgery making the request. They replied saying that we would need to speak to someone within their pharmacy team and should wait for a call. This was yesterday and admittedly, both of us were a tad sceptical as the surgery has been less than proactive on our behalf in the past.

However, this morning I did indeed receive a phone call. Harry* (fake name) asked how long I had been on Ozempic at 0.5 mg and I explained that I switched from Trulicity in January, all the while thinking surely this should all be in my notes. He asked what level of success I had experienced to date and was literally speechless when I told him that I had lost 30 kgs whilst on 0.5 on Trulicity and Ozempic. He thought I meant I had started in November/December 2022 and said wow when I explained that no, this was from November/December ‘23. He then explained that it was the lower doses that were currently an issue and asked if I would be happy to titrate up as this should have happened within four weeks of me starting. I said that was fine so he’s going to send through the script for collection and as of Friday I should be on 1 mg.

I also received notification of my diabetic annual physical for 25th June. So – bloods, weight, blood pressure, foot check – the lot, followed by a phone call once the results of the bloods have been received. I should be able to talk about any side effects I’ve been experiencing and they can officially note my weight.

On the one hand, I’m pleased because I did wonder when my Diabetic check was meant to take place. And moving up to 1 mg is something I have been thinking about a lot. It also works timing wise as I have my tattoo day tomorrow which means if I need to book a second day, I will be able to take into account any side effects I’m suffering from and know how to manage them.

But there is a part of me that is disgruntled that we need to do all of the chasing for this when surely the Dr should be monitoring what’s happening a little closer? As in, this shouldn’t be the first time that they become aware of how I have coped taking Ozempic and what loss (if any) I’ve managed. It feels like it confirms the loneliness I feel – that I am in this on my own with minimal support. We still haven’t heard anything about a surgery date and that feels a little like a sword of Damocles hanging over my head. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because I’ve been obsessing over Gidget, the end of the University year and her moving back from Halls. But it’s still there in the back of my mind.

The process of moving Gidget back home has begun. Stripes is under strict instructions to be a supervisor and not an active participant as she is still suffering with her shoulder after her fall last week. Today, Gidget wasn’t feeling well and I had visions of the whole week falling apart with a mad dash to get her moved out of Halls by Saturday morning. This week is a full one: tattoo appointment all day tomorrow; Gidget has a planned day with Jaycey and Stripes is going to the theatre on Thursday evening; Gidget is working both Friday and Saturday night, and Stripes has a doctor’s appointment on Friday. Doesn’t leave a lot of time to get her moved out gradually and clean up at leisure.

So, as someone who can’t physically get in there and force things to happen, I became project manager – booked a man with a van to be at Halls at 5 pm, whilst Gidget and Stripes packed up her entire room today. Gidget wants to leave some stuff there so that she can sleep over for the rest of the week – I think she needs the last few nights of ‘freedom’ which is understandable. We’ve made it clear that Stripes won’t be available to help clean up after today, and that she and Jaycey will be responsible for getting the last of the stuff out of there and the room cleaned to an acceptable standard on Friday. We all acknowledge that if Gidget is working Friday night, not getting home until around 5 am, there is sod all chance of her getting up on Saturday morning to go over to Halls and clean before the midday deadline.

So, we will once again be a household of three come Friday. All change.

Jesus, I really don’t think I’m ready for this. But, the change in Ozempic dosage might mean that I have something else to focus my energy on. I have no idea if I’m going to be suffering from the initial symptoms all over again or what it will do to my system, so I guess it’s time to buckle up for the ride!