And into March 2025 we go...

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151.1 | IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

I wonder if it’s possible for me to start the month with a cheerful post? Don’t expect miracles, especially with this post.

So let’s see, I lost the grand total of 1.4 kgs over February which I found really disheartening. I should have been happy to hear from my weight management team that I am doing ‘good’ and am well within the numbers they would expect, but instead it got me wondering if I was going to need a revision to a bypass in order to get to a ‘normal’ weight. I can’t imagine going through the surgery stage of this all over again – I’m even thinking excess skin removal is not something I want to go through because it looks so incredibly painful. I know some people use GLP-1s after surgery to assist with food noise and further weight loss so maybe that’s something I’ll have to look into at a later date – a much later date.

Stripes took my first day of the months photos and I spent a little while looking at them. I think it is possible to see differences in some areas, but it’s also depressingly easy to see all of the places I need to work on.

I’ve been walking around the car park again, fortunately without incident. I have been going alone and using my crutches for stability, but my pace has crept up a little which is good. Food-wise, I’m wondering whether I need to change things up a bit. I have been drinking at least 60 oz of protein water per day and thinking I could swap one of those for plain water, just to see if it makes a difference. I guess it’s that balance between getting all of my fluids in and avoiding dehydration AND getting my protein goals in.

I think I also need to look at my daily food. Basically, by the time I wake up I seem to ‘decide’ that there’s no point having breakfast, which means my first meal is generally dinner. Then I have a yoghurt, a myprotein cheesecake and the protein water. I sometimes have string cheese or babybel but even though I’m reaching between 800 and 1200 calories, I don’t think it’s very balanced. There’s very little fresh produce in there and the weight loss isn’t happening. So maybe I need to shake things up? I’m hoping that I get to speak to a dietician at some point this month and I will bring it up with them.

March is looking busy. We have an assessment on 4th for some equipment around the flat – a new hand rail in the toilet next to the kitchen to help me get up, as well as possibly some handrails outside the flat for when I enter and exit. Stripes is out for a blood test on 4th but should be back before the assessment. I also have a Mamedica appointment on Tuesday because I tried to put through a repeat prescription and apparently I need to talk to them before they’ll let me have any more. It’s a good thing – I realised that I have packets of ‘old’ weed going back to December 2023 and I need to know how to safely get rid of them. I’m out of Farm Gas and Sourdough and am using the Morroccan peach to get to sleep, which isn’t the most effective but at least it’s better than the Lot 420.

I’m tired as all heck and also feeling a bit meh. I used one of the MicroLax things last week and was beginning to feel a bit better, but now I’m back to feeling all bunged up. The wind has also not improved very much, which is another reason I might need to look at what I’m eating. I’ve finished all of the knitting I was doing – I have a little bit of wool left over but not enough to plan a project or anything like that. Ah well, I do have a couple of books to read, and we have the finale for Mayfair Witches to watch tonight. I think I’m gonna settle down to do some reading and chill.

Feeling Meh!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 152.6 | IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Well to say that I am disappointed in the scales is minimalising things more than a little. I can’t believe that at this point in time, I haven’t even managed to lose 1 kg in February. It’s driving me slightly insane and I am STRUGGLING.

I have moved onto more ‘solid’ food – I am eating 1 chicken skewer and 2 mozarella sticks on average per day, as well as having protein pancakes and yoghurt for breakfast, so perhaps it’s the quantity of food that I’m consuming? I have decided that I need to get back to basics: three meals per day, chew each mouthful at least 20 times, no meal lasting longer than 20 minutes – basically rereading all of the original instructions. I finally received my letter from my appointment on 20th January and apparently my cholesterol is raised so they want me to book in with my doctor to see if they want me on some medication. I might also look into what can cause high cholesterol to see if it’s a particular thing that I’m eating.

I’ve managed to get quite a few different clear whey protein powders to try so that if the Vimto becomes unavailable, I still have choices. I don’t know – basically I woke up this afternoon (after 12) and just felt meh and the feeling hasn’t lifted. It’s meant to be a writing day and I think that I might kill someone in an attempt to feel better. Ah, the joy of being a fiction writer!

Stripes is dropping off Vee’s birthday present – decided to gift her a new jigsaw puzzle because she didn’t say what she actually wanted and I know she does puzzles. I think Book_grim is waiting on a delivery – a new water bottle to replace the one she left in Sainsburys. And I have a chapter to write for ‘Burning Love’ and then an ARC to read. I should hopefully be able to get through today without literally killing someone but perhaps I should minimalise my contact with people just to be sure!

I used Microlax again this morning and feel a little less bloated but then I dread to think what the scales would have said before I did that! God, does this ever get easier? The bitch stitch is still causing issues, I feel like I have so little control – despite its’ side effects, Ozempic feels like it was SO much easier!

Time for a catch up!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 152.3| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Blimey, it’s definitely time for a catch up!

Home stuff first. We have a leak coming through the bathroom ceiling – it seems to be coming from upstairs’ bathroom, isn’t steady or regular but we did get someone from the council out to have a look. I need to check with Stripes to find out what the guy said but I do know he spoke to the people upstairs who were apparently not very nice to him! Something about their bathtub seal needing to be redone. We’ll have to see.

The pump in the shower stopped working, and just so happened to do so whilst I was rinsing out natural black hair-dye! So the shower stall was full of murky dark purple water and we used quite a few towels mopping it up. A guy from the council came to have a look, then said he’d be back as he was an electrician and it looked like a job for a plumber. He did come back and they said they think the drain needs to be flushed through because the pump seems to be working, so we’re waiting on another appointment for that. Stripes managed to mop up the main floor so the bathroom is still useable but it’s a pain in the butt.

I dyed my hair – it was meant to be natural black but for some reason has come out a deep purple colour! Stripes said I should just accept that obviously my hair is meant to be purple, but I am a little disappointed. It would have been interesting to see what I looked like with dark, natural coloured hair.

The scales are moving downwards so, so slowly but I have reached a new low of 152.3. I did see 151 something on the scales but it didn’t last so I won’t count it. Since surgery, I have lost over 12 kg, which sounds impressive but I am more than a little disappointed. It’s not even 2 stone and it’s been over two months now. I know I should be pleased because the weight is coming off but I can’t help but wish for a faster rate of loss.

Following a recommendation at the group hospital meeting I went to last week, I have been drinking Vimto Protein powder and it seems to be helping me up my protein. Stripes has gone to Home Bargains and is meant to be getting me a couple of tubs of some protein powder from up there: tropical flavour and also blackcurrant, which was the bargain price of £14.99, so that could be good. I’ve also been eating Asda’s white fish fillet in cheese sauce for dinner. A whole one is a bit too much, which I discovered because I pushed too far (i.e.. kept eating after the burping started) and felt like my chest was constricted. I’m pleased that I’m beginning to read the signs that I am reaching my limits but man, it’s a tough lesson sometimes.

My daily meals look something like this:

Breakfast: Babybel light x 2, string cheese

Dinner: Fish fillet with mushrooms

Snacks: Protein pudding with dark espresso chocolate sugar free syrup, followed by another couple of cheeses if I’m still feeling peckish later.

I’m averaging between 500 and 800 calories a day, so I have managed to get them up since the hospital visit. I’ve had porridge or scrambled eggs a couple of days, but generally I don’t seem to be able to manage three meals per day. I think that I need to be eating a little more and also more regularly and then maybe the weight loss might speed up? It’s just difficult to do AND get my water in, hence going for protein water.

I’m back onto paracetamol in tablet form although sometimes it feels like it get stuck. It also means I’ve been able to start taking my aspirin again, as well as my propranolol. I’m only managing to get three sets of meds in during the day instead of four, but it’s a step in the right direction of returning to normal so I’m pleased with that. I’ve been struggling with a threatening migraine all week, but so far it hasn’t manifested fully. I can’t even blame the stress of stuff around the house because it started before all of that happened.

Book_grim isn’t well – totm has been extremely painful this month, with severe pain, heavy bleeding and fatigue, and she looks pale af. She hasn’t been able to go to work and this morning, I managed the miracle of getting her a doctor’s appointment – face to face. He has prescribed her some slightly heavier duty painkillers instead of ibuprofen or paracetamol, and he’s arranging for her to have an ultrasound. I’m a bit worried – we have a history of endometriosis and fibroids in the family, and I know one of my sisters ended up having a hysterectomy for her fibroids, so I’m hoping it’s nothing that serious.

Stripes bought me a jigsaw puzzle which is driving me insane. It’s a glorious picture of a bumble bee amongst some sunflowers, but it’s kinda circular instead of rectangular, and the pieces are all kinds of odd shapes. She got something similar for Christmas so decided to torture me in a similar fashion. She also got some sticky-backed plastic, so when we finally do finish it, we can line the back and I can have it displayed in my room. That’s if I ever finish it – this thing is fiendish!

Things ended between Book_grim and Luke, which was a bit of a shame. He said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship so I kinda respect him for not messing her about, although I know she was upset by the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ of it all. Mom visited us last Thursday and spent about 90 minutes with us. It was weird – two of the cats were on the bed with me, along with Book_grim and Stripes was in the chair next to me – I felt very surrounded, very protected. She was obviously on her best behaviour although she did make a few fat-phobic comments that had me biting my tongue. I managed to stick with the whole information-diet and didn’t tell her about any weight loss or anything like that, so I feel that overall it went okay. She’s off on holiday again on Saturday which should take some strain off.

I tried to do the Leslie Sansone One Mile Walk on Monday and almost killed myself! I made it a third of the way through but was utterly exhausted afterwards. Today, I did my first session with my new resistance bands and was pleased that I made it all of the way through. I did manage to twang myself in the back of the thigh about three or four times; Stripes hit herself in the face; and afterwards I have been struggling with some pain in my hip, but overall I’m pleased with what I managed to do.

I got some new shoes – the Wednesday Crocs!

They are a little tight across my right foot so I need to fill them with some newspaper or something to stretch them out. The weird thing is that I bought a size 9 and they seem a bit long for me? If the width wasn’t an issue, I’m pretty sure that they’d be too big for me which freaked me out just a little. I guess it could be viewed as a NSV, but I didn’t expect to lose length from my feet! It would be so much handier if I could get my feet to not be so puffy and swollen, but maybe that will come with time?

Heading into February and I think I want to go through my clothes rail to see if there are clothes I can get rid of. I don’t want to even consider getting any new clothes until I really start to see some weight loss but I think it would be a good idea to clear the rack nevertheless. I’m not sure whether I want to try to sell them or maybe I should just take them to a charity shop. Most of my clothes are very old anyway – like, three or four years old, so I doubt anyone is going to want to buy them so I’m not sure if it’s even worth the effort of trying to sell them. I guess we’ll see. I also want to have a go at tidying my bedroom, as the floor has got cluttered again and some of the cables for my laptops look all twisted and tangled at the side of the bed.

So I guess that’s pretty much it for January. Tomorrow, I need to post my book reviews round up, and on Saturday I want to take some new progress photos. You never know, I might actually get up the nerve to post some side-by-side photos here but I wouldn’t count on it. Not unless I can really see some changes anyway!

First Official Dietetics Appointment

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 153.6| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Well the day finally arrived for my first dietetics appointment. We booked our taxi ahead of time because we needed one that would hold my wheelchair and it was there, which was excellent. It was a good thing that we decided to bring my wheelchair because when we arrived at the hospital, there wasn’t a single wheelchair in sight. Finding the place we needed to go wasn’t too bad, but we did have to go through a building, then back outside, walk up a hill, then down a small hill to get there. I pushed the wheelchair and walked behind it up the hill and I definitely feel like I did my cardio for the day.

When we arrived, we were told that I would be weighed then have bloods taken, which we were pleased with as it meant we wouldn’t have to wait after the group meeting for that. I weighed in wearing my boots (she took off 2kg for them) and their scales said the same as mine did this morning which was nice. After that, we joined the queue of people waiting for bloods and realised that they must be there for the same thing as me. It was weird because I was pretty sure I was the biggest person there but Stripes said that I wasn’t. I dunno – it felt weird knowing these people were in a group with me who had had their surgery around the same time. Like knowing what they were going through without actually knowing them.

Then I went in to the group meeting. Immediately I stood out because I was the only one with a bottle of water and the only one taking notes. I felt like the class swot. There was a woman there who had had her surgery back in October but had missed two appointments so this was the first meeting she was attending. I must admit, I found her a bit irritating – she just kept going on and on about how much she missed eating whatever she wanted, then was chatting to people whilst the dietician Gary was trying to talk. Next on my bingo card was a gentleman who talked – a lot. Unfortunately, I couldn’t follow his accent very well so a lot of what he said I didn’t understand. I think he was either Scottish or Irish, but his accent was strong. One thing he said that resonated with me was how he lost a chunk of weight straight after the operation, then nothing for about two weeks, then dropped another 5 lbs then nothing since. His loss was on a par with mine so I didn’t feel like such an epic failure.

Gary said that it was perfectly normal, that some people had a linear weight loss whilst others had regular stalls and plateaus and not to worry about it. Basically, he said to aim for a minimum of 60g of protein per day and 2 l of low calories liquids. As we get accustomed to the sleeve, our calories should automatically rise until we’re between 800 and 1600 per day. I asked him if my calories were too low (they average between 400 – 600) and he said that they are a little low and to try to increase them gradually but make sure I ‘listen’ to my body and take it slowly, so that was reassuring.

I’m allowed to begin light exercise like walking, stretching yoga and the resistance bands, but again to listen to my body. No heavy lifting until at least 8 weeks after surgery. If I feel any pain or major discomfort, then stop and wait a few days before trying again. I need to check whether or not I have been taking the ADCAL D3 which I believe is a lifelong thing for vitamin D and if I’m not taking that, then I need to start. A letter will go to us and our GPs outlining the meds were should be taking and the schedule for the intramuscular B12 injections that we are meant to get every three months.

From now on, our appointments will be 1-1 with a dietician and they can take place over the telephone as they are aware what a pain it is to get to the hospital as parking is atrocious. After that, it was over and Stripes and I made our way back to the main entrance and ordered our taxi. This is where things went wrong. We went through the same company that we had booked in the morning and ordered the cab at 15.46. At 16.16, I tried calling to find out if there was a problem but we were left on hold for so long, I hung up. We contemplated ordering an Uber but weren’t sure if they would send one that would hold my wheelchair, so called the company again. Got through this time and they told us it would be another 30 minutes wait. So over an hour.

We were not best pleased but didn’t really have a choice. So it cost me £60 in taxi fees today and over an hour of waiting. I really hope we don’t have any more appointments at that hospital because I don’t think I could cope.

I’m home, writing this up and then I’m calling it a day. This blog is going to have to count as my writing day as I feel completely wiped out. Stripes is pretty exhausted too – I wouldn’t have coped with today without her. Book_grim is going out to play Music Bingo at Barb’s with the new man-friend, Luke, and (hopefully) her friend Dani and her partner. So a nice peaceful evening is planned and I will probably have an early night. Maybe watch some NCIS or 1000 lbs Sisters as we’re on the last season so have caught up with them.

I think I am reassured regarding the weight loss – obviously it would be lovely to be dropping 20 lbs every other week, but it doesn’t look like my body agrees so I’m just going to take it slow and steady.

I had some non-scale victories today. My stripes boxers that I ordered in a size 5 xl that were more than a little snug now fit nicely; the bra that was a little tight just before the operation I had to go in one on the hooks and eyes and could quite easily have moved in another notch; leggings fit with wrinkles as there was so much space in them. Also, the chocolate brown coat from SimplyBe felt huge and too hot, but once we were outside it was absolutely heavenly! I felt toasty warm apart from my hands (I ordered gloves from Home Bargains so hopefully that will deal with that!) and it was definitely a good buy.

Back to going solo and taking it one meal at a time!

Dietician appointment postponed and where I'm at

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 9

How to explain where I am at the moment?

Well, my dietician appointment was postponed as the dietician couldn’t get into the hospital due to snow. I can’t even pretend that I wasn’t pleased about it – I cheered once I’d got off the phone – because I simply wasn’t ready. I’m all in my head about the rate of weight loss, what I’m eating, comparing myself to other people. I know that I have lost nearly 20 lbs since the surgery, but all that I see posted on Reddit and other places is people losing upwards of 35 lbs in the first month after surgery and it makes me feel like a failure.

I’m still constantly sipping protein water (apart for the 30 minutes after each meal) and have found that mixing it with diet lemonade makes it go down a lot faster, as well as drinking more. I’ve done an Asda shop and ordered masses of sparkling water in the hope that it will encourage me to drink more and ordered myself a faux Stanley cup so that I can keep going with that.

I had a small amount of Stripe’s char sui (oh man, I have missed eating that) and it was absolutely gorgeous to eat. I wondered if I would struggle eating pork but it was fine. I’ve also had a protein rice pudding but I’m not sure I want to repeat that. I don’t know if it’s because it was rice but it felt like it got ‘stuck’ in my windpipe and was an uncomfortable experience. I still need to learn the cues that my body gives me that I am full because sometimes I wonder if I am pushing through when I should just stop?

I tried Skyr yoghurt as it is meant to be high in protein but I didn’t get on with it. I felt nauseous and got sweaty (ugh) so I think I’m going to stick with Onken and Fage. I’ve been doing okay in the poop department – no constipation and no diarrhoea either, which makes a nice change from how things were for most of 2024.

I was talking to Stripes about how sometimes I wish I hadn’t had the surgery because I felt like I had more control when I was doing Ozempic. I struggle to remind myself that it has only just been five weeks since I had the surgery so things are still all over the place. You constantly read about the weight falling off of people once they’ve had the surgery but I certainly don’t feel like that’s the case. Again, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure, like I’m over-eating. I would imagine most people would think that I must be doing something wrong otherwise I would be losing weight. I log all of my food in MyFitnessPal and there hasn’t been a day when I’ve gone over 800 calories, so I don’t understand why the scales feel like they are creeping upwards instead of going down.

I was hoping to talk to the dietician about that in the meeting on Monday 6th, but it being postponed until 20th means that I still feel like I’m flying blind. I might email them and ask if I’m okay to start exercising – I want to begin using my resistance bands. I was going to wait until six weeks had passed but maybe they’ll say that I can start using them now if I feel up to it? I know a lot of people go back to work following the surgery in less than a fortnight, so surely the resistance bands is the equivalent of that? I don’t know how those people do it though – there is no way in hell I would have been able to work so quickly after having the op.

I was chatting to Jay and she asked me if I had been out since the surgery and I had to admit that, no, I hadn’t. She asked me how often I used to go out before the surgery and I said that I went to medical appointments or to get tattoos but otherwise I hated going out. I hate being the wheelchair and feeling like people are either staring at me or find me invisible. I also hated how it felt having Stripes pushing me around – the optics of this slender young woman having to push around her super morbidly obese mother just makes me feel sick.

Jay told me that I need to ignore other people and need to start living again. I know she’s right, that I was in essence hibernating at home and avoiding life. But it’s difficult, not least because of the expense of Ubers and going out. She’s challenged me to go to a cafe and I asked if the one at the hospital counted! She said yes but of course that was before the appointment was postponed.

I think the idea of getting a motability car is solidifying in my mind. Book_grim’s Uber dropped her off at the top of the road the other night when she came back from work because of the concerns about ice at the bottom of our hill. I know if it’s been snowing I probably wouldn’t want to go out and risk driving in those conditions, but it would be nice to have the option to jump in our own car to go places. I can’t do it until April because my PIP needs to be for at least a year before I can get a motability car and I need time to save for the potential advance payment. We’ve looked at both Jeep Avengers and MG HS electric cars because the advance payment is between £499 and £999 and they seem to be the best match for what we want to use it for. Apparently you can have a charger installed at your house as part of the arrangement, and if that isn’t possible then you get contributions or a card that will pay for you to charge at various places, so that could work out well.

I’ve gone down with yet another cold, although I’m a little concerned that this one might be flu. I feel weak, shaky and have a constant headache, and whatever this is seems to be hitting me harder than it has Book_grim. I do wonder if I’m catching all of these germs when she comes home from work, which she can’t help since she works in a customer-facing role, but it can be frustrating to constantly be going down with things.

I want to go out – I think. I want a chance to wear the hoodie the girls bought me for Christmas. I asked for a Calvin and Hobbes hoodie in a size 4x and when I tried it on at Christmas it was almost dress length. I want to be able to wear it out of the house, along with the giant chocolate puffer coat that I bought. I guess I want to show my gifts off but at the same time, I want to stay safe and warm in my little hidie hole. I don’t know – my head is a messed up place.

I have been watching 1000 lb Sisters and struggling with feeling like I’m acting like Tammy. It’s the earlier seasons so she is constantly saying that she will lose the weight she needs to in order to get the weight loss surgery, all the time fighting against the things she needs to do to get to that stage. I’ve made it past the surgery bit but worry that I am messing up in order ways. Stripes thinks that that is the voice of my mother in my head, telling me that I’m going to fail. Perhaps I need to do a bit more of the Mantra work to see if I can learn to be more compassionate with myself? I definitely need to get back into the therapy habit and will speak to my therapist as soon as possible.

I crashed out around 10.30 pm last night and woke up at around 4.30 am which is why I’m awake so early. I think I’m going to take my gabapentin and paracetamol and see if I can get back to work. There doesn’t seem to be more snow which is good as Book_grim has work this evening. Hopefully that means I can not worry about her (the other night I ended up staying awake until after 5 am as I wanted to make sure she got home safely) and actually get as much sleep as my body seems to need.

Mashables Week - Day 5

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.6|

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 5

I’ve now had two days of a LOT of sleep! Yesterday, I woke up in time to see the Oldest as they had come to pick up Stripes. It was absolutely lovely to see her and get a hug, very special. Then Book_grim and I had a chilled day. I crashed out for a good four hours and we both went to bed around 2 am. Well, she went to her room – I don’t know if she went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up around 8.30 as I needed the bathroom and made sure to call Book_grim so that she would feed the cats. Then I went back to sleep!! I think some of it is that I am sleeping on my side which is my preferred sleeping position, which means I sleep better. The bad side of that is how much I ache once I wake up and have to move. It feels like my insides have been tumbling around and is really uncomfortable. I don’t sleep nearly as well when I sleep sitting up so it’s a choice to make I guess.

It’s my writing day so I decided to go through all of the book reviews I have done over the past year and collate them all together. I had no idea I had written quite so many reviews, but it was great because I found a few books that should be a due a sequel, as well as ones that already have a sequel but got lost in my to-be-read pile. Stripes is on her way home and Book-grim has work tonight, so I think I’m going to log off from everything and just spend a bit of time with both of them before I crash out to sleep again!

I haven’t done too well food-wise today. I had a scrambled egg but couldn’t finish it; a slice of turkey with some stuffing and gravy and I just about finished the slice of turkey. I might try to have a smoothie or something just to get more protein, etc in but I am feeling pretty full. Water is doing better – I’m using a straw with my old water bottle and it seems to be preventing me swallowing too much air. I read a few people on Reddit say that it helped them reach their water goals and didn’t cause too much gas so thought I would give it a go. So far, so good.

Tomorrow marks four weeks exactly to the day that I had the VSG so I will try to do a round-up of my losses and how I’m feeling.

Scale Victory - 50 kgs lost!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 157.3 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 3

I did it – I lost 50 kgs! Definitely chuffed although I’m also completely and utterly exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until 7 am and woke up around 12 and have been dragging all day. I had a shower and put on my Christmas jimjams which feel really odd because I can’t think of the last time I actually bought ‘female’ pyjamas – they fit weird. I bought them in size 28/30 and they do fit, but they just feel too ‘close’, I can’t think of another way to describe it. Mind you, I am running the mother of all temperatures and have passed out a couple of times. When will this cold be done with me?

Today, I had my Christmas dinner: a slice of turkey, a small ball of stuffing, some mashed potatoes and gravy. I managed about 2/3 of the turkey, 1/3 of the stuffing and maybe a mouthful of the potatoes. Later, I had half a minced pie and a taste of the girls’ cheesecake. This is most definitely the most I’ve eaten since before surgery and I am feeling the need for the post-dinner nap!

Spoke to Mom and Shar who were spending Christmas together, left messages for other people but have generally not been online and am fine with that. We can get back to outside life when the holidays are over! I got some money for Christmas as well as my resistance bands, so may treat myself to some clothes in the sales. Then again, it might be worth me waiting until my birthday when I have a better idea of what size clothes to go for? To be fair, I don’t go out very often so don’t need much in the way of clothing – it would make more sense to save the money until I need it for something particular.

Stripes is off to spend some time with her Dad’s side of the family tomorrow so it will just be me and Book_grim until Friday. Gotta admit, my plans for tomorrow consist of sleep, reading and more sleep – I am aiming to sleep like Dmi and Castiel for the day, treat it like getting some shut-eye is my job!

Mashables Week - Day 2

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 157.9 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 2

Yeah, the scales went down but talk about tease – 0.2 away from being at 50 kgs off. This cold isn’t going anywhere, I had a crap night’s sleep, and I haven’t really enjoyed anything I’ve eaten today. I wonder if I am eating too much because sometimes there is a horrendous ache in my upper chest after eating. Not that I’m getting in my protein, water or anything really. Eggs, all bran, chicken stew and half a smoothie.

Christmas dinner has a lot of expectations to meet but I am preparing myself for disappointment! Fuck it, I didn’t even think I was going to make it to Christmas Day – I’m aiming for a day of gratitude, relaxation and love – I wish the same to anyone reading this!

Mashables Week - Day 1

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.2 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 1

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed at the lack of movement on the scales – I was really hoping to hit 50kgs off. I know I can still do it before the end of the year, but for some reason I was so sure that it was going to happen today.

Today began mashables/soft foods and both Stripes and I are feeling a little adrift without a paddle. The Bariatric bible says what kinds of foods to make but it doesn’t really seem to say meals which means it can feel a bit like lobbing a group of foods together and hoping they taste good!

Today, I have had two scrambled eggs, a coconut and peach smoothie, some all bran, chicken stew and milk. That kinda looks like five meals in the day – kinda. I suffered from some pretty epic diarrhoea today – it reminded me of shortly after the surgery when it felt like my body was doing some major inner cleansing. I can’t even begin to figure out what may have kicked it off – maybe the smoothie? Not enough protein in it or something? Anyway, yet another reason why I was so hopeful about dropping that half a kilo but it was not to be.

I had a rough night’s sleep last night – was up at 3 am and writing to Jay, just spewing out all of my thoughts. Here are a couple of the essays I wrote!

1) 3am in the morning and I'm wide awake - couldn't tell you why, just that I'm not best pleased about it! I think today may well be the first time that I have actively regretted the surgery. When I was using Ozempic, I still felt like I had a lot of control - if I wanted to eat something 'bad', I could make that choice knowing the consequences (generally a very upset stomach, occasional vomiting, cramps, etc.) whereas this all feels very confusing, I feel lost and like I have no control. There are times when I can drink some of a smoothie and I'm fine - other times, just one sip makes everything clench and hurt; sipping liquids is so unsatisfying sometimes - sometimes I miss the ability to glug down water when I'm feeling thirsty.

2) I also find myself comparing myself to other people. On Ozempic, it could be very lonely because basically the Dr writes the prescription and off you go. Losses and gains are all personal because everyone is eating differently, so it's harder to compare yourself. I've been on Reddit a few times and seen people who have lost 66lbs in two months and I can't help but compare my results with that. I know that it's early days - I know that it's only been three weeks and I've lost just under a stone so I should be happy. I just feel like - could I have done this carrying on with Ozempic? It's a weird place to be. My incisions feel like they're tugging - not painful, just not quite right - and this cold just won't go away which is making things worse. Today I snapped at Nina because she was crunching her crisps too loudly. I apologised and explained that I was going through some head stuff, but I just feel so ruddy awful. I know it can and will get better - maybe I need to sleep sitting up more often to help with the tugging? Tomorrow I start mashable food so the change in food will be nice. I just - I just feel a bit blank, a lot lost, and very sorry for myself.

I finally crashed out but in order to do so, I had to sleep upright using the giant cushion thing I bought. It definitely helps with the pain and discomfort but I would hardly call it comfortable. We’re talking about turning my mattress over when we change my bedding for my Christmas stuff – maybe that will help? My incisions are surrounded by little forests of white-heads, most likely from the Vaseline I’ve been using to keep them moist and both Stripes and Book_grim managed to stop me from trying to pop them. I think they are where most of the itching is coming from and it’s so aggravating but I don’t want to put anything else on them as apparently using Germolene or Savlon or whatever can make the incisions get all gunked up which I definitely do not want. Tomorrow I want a nice long shower – moisturise all the bits I can comfortably reach and maybe paint my fingernails and toenails. Do my bit to get festive!

The shop is due from Asda which includes a shit-ton of flavoured Green yoghurt, as well some more mango puree which I have missed – the peaches didn’t hit the spot at all, giving more of a fragrance than a taste. I also ordered a bariatric air fryer cookbook that includes recipes that might help us plan meals a bit better. It won’t get here until Friday as I missed the last Christmas deliveries but to be fair, the next few days have meals sorted: the remaining chicken stew Stripes made today, as well as the ‘traditional’ Christmas dinner.

Tonight is the last night Book_grim is working before Christmas so tomorrow should (hopefully) be quite relaxing. Stripes has the second part of the baking for her Dad’s side of the family to be getting on with and I have a couple of books to read, as well as starting to watch ‘Luke Cage’ on Disney+ - maybe watching Mike Colter will put me in a good mood!

Puree Week - Day 7 and can someone please shut off my brain?

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.2 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 7

My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I snapped – very unfairly – at Book_grim earlier because she was crunching crisps and it just made me feel so angry. I did apologise and tried to explain that today may be the first time that I’ve actually regretted having the surgery.

I’m trying to get my thoughts into gear so bear with me. Whilst I was on Ozempic, I kinda knew the side effects I could expect, whether it be vomiting or diarrhoea, and make the choice about what I ate knowing the consequences. The weight loss wasn’t speedy or guaranteed but I felt more in control. Ever since the surgery, it just feels like everything is out of my control. I can eat smoothies then suddenly I can’t; I can’t drink whatever I want when I want; I can barely identify hunger triggers; I feel truly lost with the whole change from puree to mashables – everything just feels really confusing. I was reading on Reddit and someone said when they overeat it makes them sneeze(?!) and I instantly found myself thinking what if this isn’t a cold but me constantly overeating? It’s like utter insanity in my head and I am so struggling with it.

I should be celebrating – the weigh in this morning means I am 0.5kg away from being 50kg lighter than I have been in years. But all I want to do is cry and drink a bottle of fizzy pop without suffering the wind from hell. My incisions are itchy and painful, the horrid tugging is back and I feel wretched.

Positivity! Yeah, okay, I can do that. I have been feeling like a real slug-a-bed recently, and the cancellation of the wet room deep clean bothered me more than I realised. So I set myself up in the bathroom with help from Book_grim and Stripes, and cleaned the cats’ feeders - -scrubbed off the accumulation of years worth of wet food and kibble. Then I scrubbed the toilet bowl, the seat, dusted off the cat fur that had gathered (yuck) and put a nice smelling rim-block. I know Book_grim was worried that I was overdoing it – and she might have been right – but I just needed to feel in control of some part of my environment. Yes I’m feeling it – everything hurts at this point – but I also feel like I achieved something. It might be small to a lot of people but to me, it felt like I did something that I really wanted to do that wasn’t related to weight loss or surgery. And I think I needed that.

Stripes made my dinner this evening: mashed potatoes, pureed spinach, onions, eatlean cheese and milk and it was lovely. I didn’t finish it but it was very tasty and made a nice change from what feels like a lot of sweet things. That or cup-a-soup which is another staple. I’ve also made myself a smoothie using the chocolate protein rice pudding with Greek yoghurt and some milk and that should see me through to the end of the evening, and I had two scrambled eggs for breakfast so I think I actually managed to eat my five meals today. Nearly.

Sometimes I think I need to stay away from places like Reddit, etc. I know the posts and comments there are going to be out of the norm, but it seems like everyone is dropping weight like it’s going out of style whilst my weight loss feels so slow. It’s three weeks since the surgery and I haven’t even managed to lose a stone yet. I think any other month, I would be relatively happy with that rate of loss but because of the surgery and comparing myself to other people, I feel like I’m failing? Add to that Mom’s voice in my head telling me that I should be able to lose 2 stone between surgery date and my first hospital appointment on 6th January and I definitely feel like a failure. I hate that I am letting that into my head; I hate that I am letting that affect my mood; I hate that I am judging myself so harshly when if someone was talking to me about all of this, I would tell them to take it easy and let things just work they way that they are meant to. I hate that I don’t seem to have the ability to relax and trust the process.

It doesn’t help that I am wondering if I am sabotaging myself in some way, like I deliberately don’t want to lose two stone by the appointment because that would be proving Mom right, and I really quite desperately don’t want her to be right. Like, how fucked in the head is that – I would rather fail than prove my Mom right. That’s quite a sobering thought and I think I need to sit with that for a bit – figure out how to put those thoughts, those feelings into perspective so that they don’t poison the things that I do. There are times when I desperately hate my brain and this is definitely one of those times.

Puree Week - Day 6 and still sick!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.8 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 6

I’m beginning to wonder if I should try to see a doctor for this cold. I can’t think of one day since the surgery when I haven’t had issues sneezing or breathing and had simply put it down to the time of year. But today was tough – Stripes had to help me with the nebuliser again and I ended up having to sleep because it seemed like the only way I could relax enough to breathe properly. I don’t want to be overly dramatic but I also don’t want to dismiss symptoms of something being wrong.

I have wondered if I’m eating too quickly and taking in too much air – my scrambled egg today was gone really quickly as I left it too long and hadn’t realised how hungry I was. I’ve also found that the best way to eat my smoothie is with a spoon as sipping from the blender seems to encourage too much air getting in. It’s frustrating but then I also need to remind myself that it’s barely been three weeks and I’m not going to get it all right straight away.

Today was day 6 of puree’d food which means on Monday I should be going to mashables. And I am more than a little scared. I had all bran yesterday and it was fine – chewing each small bite between thirty and forty times seemed to work, but that was basically like gruel. It was mainly liquid anyway – I’m not sure how it’s going to work with more solid food. I think I might start with mashed potato because that can be quite liquid-y. I was really looking forward to the eatlean cheese but every time we’ve added even a small amount to my scrambled eggs, I’ve had issues. Saying that, I’d still like to try to melt some into my mashed potatoes and see if it works.

I also found myself eating whilst playing a game on my phone and I need to not let that become a habit. I need to eat mindfully – slowly, chewing each bite at least twenty times, each meal should last at least twenty minutes.

Hard to feel positive when I can barely breathe but let me see if I can come up with something. I didn’t panic as much as the first time it got this bad – instead, I made sure to ask Stripes for the nebuliser sooner rather than later, accepted my limitations and allowed myself to just sleep. I think I have been struggling with how slow my recovery has been without considering the fact that I had major abdominal surgery, my body is still healing, and this is just the beginning of the journey. I’m doing okay, I’m a work in progress and I’m doing okay.

Puree Week - Day 5

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.6 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 5

Didn’t sleep very well last night which explains why I didn’t get up until after 12 today. It’s my writing day but my creativity button seems to be on snooze, so instead I read some books and left some book reviews. Still a good use of my time and I am pleased I managed to get something done.

Struggling a little bit with the whole eating thing. I manage a scrambled egg each day (with a little help from Dmi) but apart from that, I seem to be living on yoghurt, milky coffee and the occasional smoothie. Today, I made my smoothie including a protein rice pudding from Muller and am struggling to eat it. I added yoghurt and mango puree but not milk, so it’s thicker than usual – almost thick enough to need a spoon – and I can take about three mouthfuls before I feel like my stomach is too full and I’m going to be sick. I’m nowhere near the five meals per day that I am meant to be on, and I’m beginning to think that I am not going to be able to handle mashables from Monday.

The thing, I seem to swing from ‘just keep sipping’ to mild panic that I’m not taking the vitamins as yet, don’t think I’m managing over 1000 calories per day and highly doubt that I am meeting any protein goals. Which in the long run is going to do me more harm than good. What if that’s why the scales aren’t really moving? I read a post on Reddit where someone is two months out of surgery and have lost 66 lbs!! Like – I haven’t managed to lose a stone in one month and someone has already lost nearly four times that amount. And it’s not because they weigh more than me – their start weight was much less than mine so they have less to lose. Sometimes there’s this panic of ‘what if I can’t do this? What if I fail?’ I try to remind myself that it’s been three weeks and I am still healing; the scales are moving even if it feels like very slowly; every body is different and I spent decades abusing my body with ridiculous diets, etc so all of this is going to take time.

But what if I do fail?

Okay, positivity: you only fail if you give up and I’m not giving up. The scales are not moving as fast as I would like them to but I am still sticking to it. I lost 100 lbs over the last year before the surgery so it’s not like I can’t do it – I have the extra tools now and there is no big rush to get the weight off as soon as possible. It took years to go on and may take years to come off. I need to stay the course, trust the process, trust myself and just keep doing what I’m doing.

And if I don’t make it onto mashables on Monday, then big deal. It’s not like the food is going to disappear if I don’t have it for Christmas. Far better to honour where my body is at than to try to push things along prematurely – I am worth the time and effort it is taking to do this. My goals are manageable and I have the ability to do this.

I think it’s time to grab my crochet and see what’s on the TV – Reddit and other online places are becoming triggers instead of support and inspiration, so better to just remove myself from there before it gets too far into my head.

Puree Week - Day 4

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.9 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 4

Three weeks post surgery and I really don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s nice that the scales are starting to move downwards again, although I know I need to be aware that they are just as likely to go up as down whilst my body is adjusting to everything. I often feel ‘normal’ as in the incisions still itch like crazy but don’t actively hurt as much as they once did. I can walk around without holding onto my stomach for fear that it’s going to fall off or something ridiculous like that. I definitely don’t feel up to doing any exercise and the fatigue is real, but to be fair, that’s pretty much my normal. I think the sense of normality has definitely been assisted by me beginning to get my antidepressants into my system on the regular, and today I tried gabapentin again (the taste is so vile, it even killed my mango puree smoothie!)

Positivity: this one was difficult because it involved looking in a mirror and finding something positive to say about myself. My hair is a virulent purple (striking and pretty) and it would be so easy to say something about that and leave it. But I want to try and be as honest as possible. I look tired – dark circles under my eyes and my skin looks a little grey. BUT. I can see a change in my face shape – only a little but more than I’ve ever managed before – and I really like the way my skin looks against the purple hair. That has to count, right? I still have a very round face but it’s not as surface of the moon as I used to think!

Stripes hit Home Bargains today and sent me masses of photos of the various products so that I could choose the things I wanted. So many pretties, including hand soap, body wash, perfumed mist, nail varnishes – bliss! And it gave me an idea – I want to clear off one of my chest of drawers and make myself a ‘treat’ section – foot packs, body lotions, perfumes – all in one prominent place so that I make an effort to be nice to myself.

I did a lot of reading today but still haven’t finished the ARC I have – I have a writing day tomorrow so intend to finish the book and do a review straight away. It’s a good book – not as good as the first one I read from the author, but good nevertheless. I don’t know if I have any fiction in me – that side of my brain seems to be on holiday at the moment which is a bit of a pain because there are some outstanding stories that I would like to work on. Maybe inspiration will strike tomorrow but I’m not holding out much hope.

I’ve nearly finished the blanket for Jay’s grand-daughter and Stripes is making the second one as she has no crochet project on at the moment, so hopefully we’ll be able to get those posted early next week.

The DVD box-set I ordered turned up – it’s Emerald City which Stripes and I watched years ago. I was so excited to watch it but must admit to being a little disappointed. Maybe I bigged it up too much in my head? Not helped by the lack of subtitles and the low’ voices they all speak in. I still want to watch it but not as excited as I was. We watched the latest Strike on BBCiPlayer and it was brilliant. Frustrating but brilliant. I wish they made more of them but also want them to maintain the high level of entertainment etc so I guess I’ll have to wait another couple of years for the next series.

Food-wise, I’ve done okay. I managed a scrambled egg in 30 minutes (with Dmi’s help), had a mango puree smoothie, cup-a-soup and a milky coffee so nearly the five small meals that I’m meant to have. I know I’m nowhere near the right level of liquids or protein but it is definitely getting easier. One step closer to mashables – sip sip sip!

Just keep sipping - puree week day 3

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.2 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 3

Was awake when Book_grim got in from work around 4 am and shared a yoghurt and a chat. This morning, we all seemed to be feeling exhausted so the day didn’t really start until after 11 am. I was so impressed though, cos Book_grim got all of her important chores handled before she left to spend a few days with her Dad.

Stripes dyed my hair soft-lavender again with the Crazy Colour and I had a shower. I feel clean but my incisions are itching like you wouldn’t believe, and two of them have a weird spike-like thing sticking out of them. It’s difficult to tell what it is – maybe a stitch​? – but I’m trying my best to leave them alone and just use vaseline to keep the skin moist.

I’m wearing my new Garfield jimjams and can’t figure out if I’m imagining it or not, but they feel a little looser? Not that the scales have made a great jump downwards or anything like that. It’s hard to remain positive when there seems to be no real movement – I’m barely managing my liquid goals let alone the puree ones, which means I’m eating less than 800 calories per day. Surely the scales should be dropping more than this, right? Sigh – just keep sipping, just keep sipping. We didn’t end up contacting the surgery team regarding the trapped wind issue – partly because we all slept in and partly because there is a major part of me that feels like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Positivity: this is more difficult today. I was thinking that I’ve turned into a real hermit, with my phone on do not disturb, avoiding chats, etc. Then I realised it’s because I’m feeling a bit fragile and I’m protecting my peace. There’s no point putting myself out there just to be over-sensitive to things that might be said – it makes more sense to hunker down and be nice to myself. I think normally I would be trying to force myself to be sociable/be on, but I am just feeling absolutely exhausted and like I need a break. So I’m taking one.

Stripes and I are going to watch the new season of Strike on BBCiPlayer and I’m going to keep going with the blanket I’m making for Jay’s grand-daughter, although I’m not sure if it’s any good. It doesn’t look like a neat rectangle to me and I wouldn’t even be offended if Jay said thanks but no thanks! Tomorrow makes three weeks since surgery and I know that means I am well within the three week stall. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen to me, but apparently in this I am going to be ‘typical’. Damned shame, as some people have had some amazing losses in the first three weeks since surgery, whereas I seem to be making no real progress.

Just keep sipping!

Trapped Wind is Satanic!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 2 Redux

Well, it’s been a bit of a day. I woke up sneezing and wheezing and feeling really tight in my chest. I thought I’d managed to kick the worst of this cough/cold but apparently not. As the morning progressed, things got worse – it felt like I had a boulder stuck on my chest with how badly the wind was trapped and a few times I thought I was going to throw up.

Stripes helped me use the nebuliser which helped clear my nose (dripping all over the place – gross) but I couldn’t calm down enough to be able to work through the trapped wind. In the end, I put on my CPAP machine, settled under the duvet and put on a playlist of someone shopping at Home Bargains over the cousrse of the year. I’m not sure how long I slept for, but I felt markedly better when I woke up. If it happens again this evening/tomorrow morning, we’re going to call the surgery team to see if they have suggestions. I was petrified of throwing up, firstly for what it might do to my stitches and secondly because I hadn’t actually consumed anything.

Today, I’ve had a milky coffee, a jelly pot, a tablespoon of tuna with a tablespoon of mashed potatoes, and I’ve made a mango and passionfruit smoothie to finish everything off. It’s not quite the full puree menu – I’m meant to be aiming for five meals per day – but I think it’s progress.

Positivity: comparison is the theft of joy. I was watching either Too Large or 1000 lb Friends (not sure which) and one of the people had already lost nearly 2 stone three weeks post surgery. Then I read a post on Reddit and someone was told they should be losing 1 lb per day. I’m nowhere near that and was beginning to feel like a failure. I even went so far as to weigh myself with no clothes on to see if there was a difference. There is, but there felt like there was no point in logging that weight because tomorrow when I go back to weighing wearing clothes, it would just show a rise. That was the point that made me realise that I was letting other people’s journeys and achievements get into my head. The scales will go down when they go down – in the meantime, my job is to take the meds, work on getting in the food, and sip sip sip. That’s all I have to do. And I can do that – I have been doing that.

Does it count twice if I come up with something else positive? I was feeling like the worst kind of wuss because the pain of the trapped wind was making me cry but instead of just berating myself, I accepted Stripes’ words that I was far from being a wuss, was handling things well and allowed myself to stop trying to bull through the pain and rest. That has to be a good sign, right? I allowed myself to just feel rough and do what I could to recover.

Book_grim is back at work tonight and going to visit her dad’s side of the family tomorrow, so for the rest of the week it will just be me and Stripes. I don’t think we have any wild plans – she’s got her baking to do for her dad’s side of the family Christmas, and I want to crochet and do some reading.

We’re coming up on the deadline we set for the wet room to be cleaned and it looks like our Airtasker has completely and utterly flaked on us. I’ll get the money back and try to rebook but I am really disappointed. But I might ask Stripes to help me refresh my hair dye – the soft lavender is definitely fading so could do with a top up. So, shower tomorrow and fresh jimjams which actually sounds rather lovely. So Puree Redux is under way and I think I’m going to call today a success because in spite of the wind issues, I didn’t just stick to liquids – I ate the tuna and mashed potato, and the smoothie is definitely thicker than water or tea. Little steps!

Slowly slowly sip sip!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Setback Day 1

Yesterday’s return to liquids seems to have helped – no more diarrhoea. I was a little disappointed – I guess I had it all set in my head how things were going to go and I am having to wrap my head around the fact that my body is dictating the pace, not my mind.

So yesterday, I had a scrambled egg which tasted absolutely divine even though I wasn’t able to finish the whole thing; a milky coffee; the remains of the Fage coconut and mango smoothie and a cup-a-soup. Last night, I vaped for the first time in over a week and ended up falling asleep just before 1am. Woke up around 7 to go to the loo, then back to sleep until 11 a.m. I feel better for that much sleep but am still pretty exhausted – too much on Saturday most likely.

I did have my counselling session and have homework. I have to consider my negative self-talk and find a way to put a positive spin on it – not something I’m great at. One per day, with an additional one being looking in the mirror and saying something positive.

So, positivity day 1: the scales are moving so slowly that I feel like I am failing – I’ve lost 2/3 of my stomach and yet the scales are pretty much stalled. Positive spin? I am trusting myself and the process and not trying to ‘cheat’ the system. I accept the number on the scales even as I accept that it is not the whole picture and that’s okay.

I paid for the girls to go and see Wicked this afternoon, as a thank you for how much support they have given me whilst using Ozempic but mostly for the really difficult period of time after we found out my surgery date. It’s nice to be able to do something nice for them and even better, because I’m so ruddy tired all that I’m going to do is update the blogs and then nap/crochet/watch TV. They don’t have to worry about me being on my own, and I know that they are going to have a good time. Not sure what the plan is for dinner, but judging by the fact that my scrambled egg today feels like it’s wedged in my throat, I think I might stick with something liquid. Slowly slowly, sip sip. That should be my new mantra!

Puree Week - day 3 and a slight setback

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.6 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 3

The mashed potato with eatlean cheese was lovely, but omg the portion sizes are gonna take some getting used to! Stripes made an 8th of the pack and I still left more than 2/3rd of it. I was a little disheartened by my progress which was when the tsunami of diarrhoea reminded me that things can always be much worse.

So today, the plan is to go back to liquids – milk, cup a soup with bone broth, maybe a smoothie. I would still like to try a scrambled egg for breakfast though! I need to remind myself that this is for the long haul and that quick fixes don’t work. So what if it takes me longer to get up to a ‘full’ meal which is meant to be about 5 tablespoons – the longer it takes, maybe the more weight comes off in the meantime. Speaking of which, I am getting heartily sick of seeing 159 and 160. Even bouts of diarrhoea don’t seem to be making the scales shift in any meaningful way. I wonder if some of this has to do with the voice in the back of my head again – how nice would it be to excise that once and for all?

I didn’t have my counselling session as I was stuck in the bathroom, so that should be happening today. Other than that, I want to sip sip sip, do some crochet and some reading. That should be more than enough for today!

I can feel that I did too much yesterday – all the walking around, faux-socialising, trying on clothes and doing some (very rudimentary) resistance bands stuff. The ache around my incisions is not as sharp as it has been, which means I am slowly starting to feel the pain from my knees and back – it didn’t go anywhere, it was just masked by the tugging, etc that I was experiencing. I’m sticking with the paracetamol at the moment but if things get much worse, I may have to resort to some gabapentin dissolved in liquid which says just how much pain I’m in because that stuff tastes RANK!

Puree Week - Day 2

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.9 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 2

Day 1 of the Great Puree week seemed to go okay, but today I am struggling a little with diarrhoea. Yesterday, I had chicken with mushrooms and spinach – it looked strange but was really tasty. I hadn’t realised just how tired I was going to feel eating and went to bed before midnight. I woke up a couple of times to go to the bathroom then crashed out again.

Anyway, this morning I attempted to make Wheat Bix. All went well in the kitchen but once I got back to my room and tried it, I decided it needed a little sf flavourings. My hand shook and it felt like I poured half the bottle into the breakfast. I did taste it but it was unpalatable and I didn’t have the energy to go to the kitchen and try it all again, so I waited until Stripes was up. It seemed to go down okay – it was very much just like a liquid Wheat Bix so not quite as textured as the chicken and veg I had last night. I had a small muller light Greek yoghurt mixed with my antidepressants, and I think that is what my body is reacting to. It’s a bit similar to when I used to have Ozempic clear-outs – it’s like my body has decided NOPE and it has to be expelled immediately.

The plan is to have mashed potato and cheese for dinner and hopefully that sticks because I am looking forward to that so much!

Vee and Shar visited which was lovely. They didn’t want to stay long as both Stripes and I are still fighting off this leurgy, but it was very nice to see them. Vee said I had lost so much weight and I struggled to accept the compliment. I said that it was from before the surgery and tried to play it off instead of just accepting it. Maybe something to think about and work out how I feel?

I’m meant to be having another counselling session today but (a) I didn’t have any homework and (b) I am struggling to stay awake, so we shall have to see! Strictly and maybe a movie later as I want to do some work on the blanket for Jay’s granddaughter.

Puree Week - Day 1

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160.1 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 1

I find myself wondering what exactly I expected from Friday the 13th! A bit of an on again/off again sleep thing – this cold is truly wiping me out – but I was up at 6ish and felt not bad. When Stripes got up to feed the beasties, we went into the kitchen and I made my first smoothie: coconut Fage yoghurt, mango slices, skimmed milk. Felt a little bit like I was cheating – I blitzed it down so that it was pretty much the same liquid texture as I’ve been having since the surgery. It tasted nice – maybe a little bland?

Lunch-time, and Stripes decided to tempt me with Salted Caramel Fuel porridge made with skimmed milk. This was more of a challenge – I was worried that some of the oats might slip past my teeth without me chewing and choke me; that it was too thick; that it was too thin. I also wanted to be sure that I was taking small enough spoonfuls and ‘chewing’ it for a long enough period of time. I think quite possibly the hardest part of it all was not drinking while I was eating. You’re meant to give yourself 30 minutes after a meal before drinking anything and I struggled with that. Maybe because I am beginning to feel like I’m not drinking enough as a general rule and I’m concerned about becoming dehydrated.

I think the plan is chicken, mushrooms and spinach for dinner but I don’t even know if I’ll have the energy. 20 minutes of eating the porridge and I probably managed three tablespoons if that? And I am tired!

Some of my tiredness is frustration – the Airtasker cancelled (again) and I’ve been trying to find a way to remove them from the task without having to pay a fee. She claims that she can’t remove herself but surely if she has to reschedule or something goes wrong, she has access to cancelling a job? It all feels quite dodgy to me and it’s annoying AF because it means the task still isn’t complete.

I called the PIP consultation line to see if there was any news about my review. They received and acknowledged my paperwork on 15th October and I haven’t heard anything since. When I finally got through to speak to a person, he asked if I had been given any timelines for the review. Apparently, because of a backlog, it is sometimes taking up to a year before reviews are complete. However, as my award is due to expire around 3rd May, if they still haven’t got to my review by 3rd April, I will automatically be renewed for twelve months.

We will still be able to get a motability car for a one year lease as apparently as long as your award has over 12 months to go on it, you can use the mobility part for a car. But how incredibly ridiculous is it that they chased me to do a review form, complete with deadlines, whilst being unable to handle the sheer amount of reviews and new claims they already have to handle. And they weren’t going to say anything – was I literally meant to spend the next six months on tenterhooks wondering if I was going to get the award? It’s like they have no idea how stressful the whole thing is – it beggars belief. It does mean that I’m not going to be eligible for the Advance Payment assistance that they are running until 3rd January, so I need to start putting money aside for that. It might be a big ask, especially since we’re going to have to keep using Ubers, but I want to try to put aside £250 per month so that I can afford the Advance Payment.

I finished wrapping the last of the Christmas presents (apart from the conch ring I bought for Stripes – no idea where that has disappeared to! But now there are presents for all of us on top of the bookcase and the cabinet and I feel like it’s a decent enough haul.

I finished the pattern I was crocheting for my beanie and because I have a planet-sized noggin, it’s too freaking small. I tried to unravel it but the chenille did not react well and began to snap and break. So it looks like I’m going to have to do some fine-tuning to the pattern to allow for the size of my head! I think I will try to finish that this evening, then spend the next couple of nights working on the blankets for Jay’s grand-kids.

I put an order in for the condiments tubs from Amazon – size-wise, they should be good for keeping small portions of things and not taking up too much space in the freezer – but I can see that it’s going to be a bit of a learning curve figuring out all of this stuff. My brain is fried so I think I’m gonna turn off the laptop and do some reading. Only three more meals to have today!

TW: Gnarly Incision Photos!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

Not sure what is was I ate yesterday that caused a reaction, but I have a rather upset stomach. Not quite liquid but kinda yellow in colour, which makes me think it has to be the pineapple that I’ve been blending into my yoghurt and milk. I think it might be time to get rid of that tin of fruit (it’s been open and used since Monday I think) and will move on to the mango. I have strawberry yoghurt but I think it might taste better with the coconut stuff I got in the shopping.

Jay suggested that I try adding my antidepressants to the yoghurt since they refuse to dissolve fully in water and that sounds like a a decent plan to me. She also recommended some protein yoghurts but I’m not sure how I feel about those. I tried Kvarge a while back and couldn’t handle the texture but my tastebuds have definitely changed since the surgery and it may turn out to be okay.

I’m meant to be having five small meals a day from Friday (a period of puree begins tomorrow) so today is the last fully liquid day. I read somewhere to try something new and then allow four hours to see how the body is going to react to it. I don’t think I want to start the day with a weetabix – for some reason, that feels like it might be too big a change from all liquids, so I think I’ll go with a slightly lumpier yoghurt! Wow, I make it sound so enticing!

And in further gross things that my body can do, a chunk of scab came off of one of my incisions. I’ll try to include a picture, but be warned, it’s not exactly pretty! I don’t even know when it came off – I went to moisturise the incisions and there it was, looking like an extra incision but not attached at all! If it helps, the image is taken by me looking down at my stomach, so you’re basically seeing down my torso. You can’t see the two incisions on the right side as (a) they’re hidden by my boob! And (b) they’re pretty much healed up now!

* white square is the incision that always looks like it’s one second away from exploding when I sneeze. It has a weirdly protruding bit that freaks me out and makes me panic every time!

* yellow square is the scab formed from glue, stitches, skin, etc which decided to detach itself! Gross yet fascinating!

* aqua square is the actual incision – still has some scabby bits on it, but generally speaking is pretty much healed.

* bright pink square is the biggest incision that was there – I imagine, this is where they tugged my stomach through (boak*) and now it kinda looks like an infinity symbol, although that might be me being fanciful!

The girls have likened them to my tattoo healing abilities – sometimes, within days my tattoos look like they’ve been there forever; other times, old tattoos can look like they never intend to heal fully. Based on the pictures of incisions and healing wounds I’ve seen on Reddit, etc, I think I’ve been quite lucky with how they look. I wouldn’t have said that a week ago, but time and hindsight definitely help!

My wool turned up, so today I think I’m going to work on my hat and maybe watch some TV, as well as doing some reading. The sneezing is aggravating and I hesitate to say that it’s getting better in case I implement Murphy’s Law, but rest is never a bad thing!