End of January 2025

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151.9| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Closing down the month and really not sure how I’m feeling. Mainly disappointed I guess. I’m sick - again. Sniffles, bad cough and an upset stomach. The upset stomach might be because I’ve been adding sugar free syrups to my protein pudding and possibly the maltitol has got me – I won’t have one today and see what’s happening. Apart from the hospital, I haven’t been anywhere this month to catch another leurgy and Book_grim hasn’t been to work this week, so no idea where I got this one. Le sigh, I guess it is what it is.

Overall, I’ve lost 3.8 kg this month which is a disappointment. I know I shouldn’t complain – I am losing weight but I can’t help but wish it was happening faster. I want to take some photos tomorrow as the first of the month but I don’t have much hope for seeing any real progress. I was reading some posts on Reddit and a couple of people said that you lose the fat around your organs before you lose visceral fat but I’m not sure that applies to me because of losing the 100 lbs before surgery. Either way, sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have just stuck with Ozempic.

I know my perceptions are tainted by watching things like My 600lbs Life where they easily drop 30 – 50 lbs a month, as well as the fact that they are starting at a much higher weight than me but it’s still a bit disheartening. In a bizarre attempt to make me be logical (does she even know me?!) Jay reminded me of three things:

1 - that's over 8lbs

2 - you don't weigh anywhere near 600lb

3 - you have limited mobility

So, yes, she’s right about all of those things but my brain refuses to hear any of them because I think I just want to sulk before I get back to sticking to the rules and letting it work for me.

Book_grim was in a lot of pain this morning, so I suggested muscle rub, an electric blanket and a heat pack, painkillers and finally getting stoned so that she can fall asleep. Possibly not typical maternal advice, but hopefully she’ll wake up later feeling a bit better.

I got a chunk of sleep again last night. Went to sleep around 10.30 and woke up around 7.45 when my stomach upset made me get up, so I’m wide awake when the rest of the house is fast asleep! I’ve already done my squardle, posted my monthly book reviews and am now contemplating adding to the story I started yesterday. I don’t think it’s going to be a long one – I don’t think I have a long fic in me at the moment – but it’s nice to be feeling creative again.

Right, let me see if I can get another chapter out and then I might return to the fiendish jigsaw – we made good progress on it yesterday and I think it might be finished by the end of the weekend!

Post Surgery Four Week Round Up

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.8|

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 7

Time Since Surgery⟫ 4 Weeks

I decided to do a bit of a round up of things since the surgery. It’s a little more than four weeks post-op – more like 31 days.

When I went in for surgery, I weighed in at 164.4 kg and this morning I weighed in at 155.8 kg which means I’ve lost 8.6 kg since the operation. I have read about people losing more than that and am trying not to be too disappointed. In fact, I feel like I should be pleased but I also know that my head is a messed up place. I’ve lost 39.2 kg in 2024 which is pretty impressive since I didn’t have the surgery until the end of November.

Today for the first time I took a gabapentin and a duloxetine as a capsule and kept it down. This may be a bit of a game-changer for me as I have been struggling with taking the gabapentin dissolved in liquid – the taste stays in my mouth, makes me feel sick and makes it difficult to have anything else. I am also hopeful that I can get into a proper routine with my antidepressants now that it appears I can take them whole, which can only be helpful. I’m not going to try to do all of my medicines in solid form because I don’t think my stomach will handle that at the moment, but it is definitely a step forward.

Food-wise, I’m not quite where the bariatric bible says I should be. I’m doing a weird mix of puree and mashables – I had scrambled egg for breakfast but didn’t manage to eat all of it; smoothies don’t seem to be working for me at the moment; the chicken stew that Stripes made during puree week stays down and is good; things seem variable but I’m okay with that. I’m not expecting textbook, just progress. Drinking my water from my bottle with a straw does seem to mean that I am drinking more, and having put my protein water in there today I am feeling quite positive that I am going to finish at least 500 ml which is an achievement.

Sleep-wise, things are weird. Sleeping sitting up seems to be better for my stomach in terms of discomfort, but I definitely sleep better on my side lying down. I got some thermal socks because my feet felt like they were constantly freezing and that has definitely helped. The last couple of days, I’ve gone to bed around 2 am and slept through until 6 am when I need the bathroom, then I fall asleep again and don’t wake up again until sometime in the afternoon. The same sort of thing happened today but I woke up at 11 am, then crashed out until mid-afternoon. The thing is, I wake up feeling so weary! And if I’ve found my way off of the mountain of pillows to sleep on my side, my stomach feels like my insides have been through a tumble drier, which makes it harder to eat anything.

Stripes did make the point that Christmas is always a time of upheaval with bad sleeping, disruption, etc so I can’t fully blame the surgery for that. I think what I want to do is honour what my body is telling me – if it’s tired, then go to sleep even if it’s 11 am in the morning. I don’t have any appointments until 6th January so there’s plenty of time for me to ‘catch up’ on all the sleep I’ve missed. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t managed to kick this cold/sneezing thing.

I did some shopping at SimplyBe and ordered an oversized teddy bear fleece jumper dress. It’s lovely and soft, a gorgeous winter white colour but I may have overestimated the size. Book_grim fits into it with me and Stripes got a fabulous photo of the two of in it! I’m keeping it but will be sending back the fancy dress I ordered before Christmas as well as the cherry-red Mary Jane shoes. I was pleased that the size 9 fit me and seem comfortable but I have to be honest and admit I can’t think of where I would wear them. It makes more sense to send the back than to have the just cluttering up the place.

Once I get to six weeks post-op, I want to start using my resistance bands every other day but in the meantime I try to make sure I do a wander around the flat every now and then. Sometimes it feels like I’m dragging but other times I feel almost spritely. There have been a couple of times when I’ve got light-headed and felt like I’m going to pass out. That could be the lack of food or just the vertigo rearing it’s ugly head, so I shall keep an eye on that. I also want to start compiling a list of questions that I want to ask at my appointment on 6th, like when I should start taking the vitamins, when I should be able to return to all my medicines in solid form, that kind of thing.

There is a part of me that still can’t believe I actually did it – I underwent surgery and made it out the other side. The incisions are healing nicely, although there might be a bit of a keloid on a couple of them. And so far I haven’t done anything monumentally stupid in terms of forcing food or doing too much (after the initial few days when Stripes had to tell me off), so yeah me!

Tonight I think we’re going to try to watch the Gavin and Stacey Finale and maybe Wallace and Gromit. Tomorrow, Stripes has ED Counselling so she has spent today working through the stuff she was given; Book_grim is going for a sleep-study so will be sleeping at the hospital, and then on Tuesday night she’s working New Year’s Eve.

Scale Victory - 50 kgs lost!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 157.3 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 3

I did it – I lost 50 kgs! Definitely chuffed although I’m also completely and utterly exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until 7 am and woke up around 12 and have been dragging all day. I had a shower and put on my Christmas jimjams which feel really odd because I can’t think of the last time I actually bought ‘female’ pyjamas – they fit weird. I bought them in size 28/30 and they do fit, but they just feel too ‘close’, I can’t think of another way to describe it. Mind you, I am running the mother of all temperatures and have passed out a couple of times. When will this cold be done with me?

Today, I had my Christmas dinner: a slice of turkey, a small ball of stuffing, some mashed potatoes and gravy. I managed about 2/3 of the turkey, 1/3 of the stuffing and maybe a mouthful of the potatoes. Later, I had half a minced pie and a taste of the girls’ cheesecake. This is most definitely the most I’ve eaten since before surgery and I am feeling the need for the post-dinner nap!

Spoke to Mom and Shar who were spending Christmas together, left messages for other people but have generally not been online and am fine with that. We can get back to outside life when the holidays are over! I got some money for Christmas as well as my resistance bands, so may treat myself to some clothes in the sales. Then again, it might be worth me waiting until my birthday when I have a better idea of what size clothes to go for? To be fair, I don’t go out very often so don’t need much in the way of clothing – it would make more sense to save the money until I need it for something particular.

Stripes is off to spend some time with her Dad’s side of the family tomorrow so it will just be me and Book_grim until Friday. Gotta admit, my plans for tomorrow consist of sleep, reading and more sleep – I am aiming to sleep like Dmi and Castiel for the day, treat it like getting some shut-eye is my job!

Post Surgery and Home!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 161.5 |

Surgery Countdown⟫ Post Surgery Day

The next day seemed to be absoluely full of people waking me up with stab me with needles, take my blood pressure and give me nasty tasting stuff. I remember making my way to the bathroom a couple of times and having to ensure I used to bedpan so that they could ‘measure my output’. Stripes and Book_grim came and I got a little emotional – I think I had semi convinced myself that I wasn’t going to make it through surgery and would therefore never see them again. I dozed a lot while they were there, then they popped off to have some lunch, while I dozed some more.

I vaguely remember being praised for walking back and forth to the bathroom, but to be fair I was following the advice of J and people I have read on bariatric subreddit who says its important to be up and moving as soon as possible. Book_grim had to leave as she had to get ready for work, so she took my suitcase with her. We saw the surgeon who was more than happy for me to go home – apparently my liver was in excellent condition so those four weeks of hell were worth it! I have no idea how Stripes managed to carry everything as I had meds, extra compression socks, clothes, syringes as well as my CPAP machine but we got me, all of that kit and her in an Uber and we came home!!!

Worst moment was when a car turned in front of our Uber and he had to slam (gently) on the brakes – me with no seatbelt as I figured it would just hurt too much! Apart from that, it just felt like a very long journey because it was basically 5.30 in the evening, so peak traffic time.

Once I was home – actually in my bed, with cats milling about, I felt like I wanted to cry but more than anything I was just so freaking grateful. Grateful that the surgery happened, that I came through well, that although I am in a LOT of pain, I’m home.

A very quick, sneaky weigh that should in no way shape or form mean anything, but I not only met the medical goal they set for me (heavily raised eyebrows for that) but I have now lost 101.85 lbs.

I’m gonna try to get some sleep and tomorrow see if I can start having more than just protein water, although to be fair, the protein water I’m having is quite nice. I’ll have to do a review of it when I’ve tried a couple of more flavours.

80 lbs Lost AND a NSV!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 171.5 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Time for a scale victory – I have officially lost 80 lbs! I can categorically say that this is the first time that I have lost this amount of weight whilst eating ‘normal’ food which is kind of mind blowing. And, okay, the scales booped up a little again this morning, but I saw the numbers so I’m claiming it!

In other news, my stomach is still ‘bubbly’ and my butt is creating gas that is toxic to say the least! I’m glad I don’t have anywhere to go because I need to stay close to the bathroom, but I’m still celebrating!

I actually remembered to call the dr’s surgery this morning to find out my A1C and it’s 43. Normal range is up to 41 so I’m on the verge of being pre-diabetic (I think – I need to check my records but I’m pretty sure that’s what it means). So that’s a NSV right there – talk about a good start to a Tuesday!

Do I wish I had lost more in a year? Obviously! I think everyone on a weight loss journey wants to be able to say they’ve lost 100 lbs in a year because it sounds so freaking impressive, but that doesn’t take away from what I’ve done. My next mini goal is to lose 5 stone, which is 84 lbs. And I would like to have lost another 20 lbs by the end of 2024.

I’m waiting for a phone call from the Council regarding getting some assistance filling in my PIP review form; I want to do some work on my story for Spook Me 2024, and I have an ARC that I’m about a third of the way through.

Next week, I want to do comparison photos – and I’m actually considering doing full body ones. Not sure if I’ll post them, but I want to look at the monthly pictures Stripes has been taking of me. God, that’s actually vaguely terrifying to consider. I imagine I’ll be crushed if I can’t see a difference. Either way, I will try to get the courage up to actually post them – maybe as an animated gif so the changes can be seen happening? That could make it fun I guess!

Go me!

75lbs Lost!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 173.5 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

I don’t have a goal weight in mind – mainly because it’s been a very long time since I thought I could lose such a substantial amount of weight. One of the things they taught us in the weight management group that I was in was that we might never get to a ‘normal’ BMI and that the aim was to get to a weight that was healthy and we could maintain, stop all of the yo-yoing which is hard on the system.

Whenever I’ve plugged my height and weight into a tracker, generally speaking the ‘goal’ weight it suggests is around 75kgs. I don’t think that would be a good weight for me – I think that would be too low, that I would look gaunt maybe? But obviously, there’s a certain amount of fear seeing a number like that – part of which is how long it would take me to get there, how difficult it would be, etc.

Taking Ozempic has made me realise that I might need to decide on a weight that I want to stay at. And yesterday was the first time it actually occurred to me that I had less than 100 kgs to lose to get there. I know to most people, that would still be a horrendous number – to be honest, to me it feels like a horrendous number. But that shouldn’t take away from the achievement. I’ve lost over 75 lbs. This isn’t the first time I’ve managed that, but it definitely is the first time I’ve done it whilst eating normal food. Before this, it’s always been doing a VLCD and hasn’t been sustainable. Falling off the shakes wagon meant starting from scratch and dreading getting into ketosis, handling the headaches, the cravings for food. This is the first time I’ve lost that amount of weight whilst still being able to eat most foods. That’s momentous – that’s something that I would never have achieved without Ozempic.

I have also been thinking about my internal dialogue and I realised that I had assigned the current weight loss to me having COVID – not being able to taste food or enjoy eating at all. However, the last time I had COVID last year, I didn’t lose any weight at all. That should mean that my brain allows me to accept this as a bit of a win, right? Nope – once again, the internal voice is saying that not eating because of Ozempic/COVID is not a win, is not me working with what’s going on, is nothing to do with me – circumstances are making the weight loss possible, not my choices. I’m not sure why I can see that this voice is chatting shit and makes no sense, and yet allow it to affect how I feel about myself.

Maybe when I have some free brain cells and some energy, I can grab those Mantra worksheets and see if something in them will help me figure this all out.

New Weight Territory, Mini Goal and COVID

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 174.2 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The last time I thought I was in control of my weight was quite a few years ago. I was due for an endocrinology appointment and was almost excited because I had been ‘dieting’ for quite some time and was positive I had lost some weight. I didn’t have scales of my own that went up high enough, but I was sticking to a diet plan and really feeling like I was succeeding.

I remember being utterly crushed when I got on their scales and they showed my weight as 183 kg – I cried on the way home, only possible because a friend at the time had driven us to the appointment. It was also when I decided it was time to seriously consider weight loss surgery as an option because I had simply couldn’t think of any other way to get the weight off.

COVID has had a rather devastating effect on my appetite. Food is just lumps in my mouth with barely any taste, nausea is almost constant, and the cough feels like it is raking my throat to shreds (there was blood in my tissues twice today – not enough to be overly concerned, but it does demonstrate just how bad things are). Today, Stripes and I had soup for dinner, along with a couple of slices of bread and butter, and I had a pineapple fritter for dessert. That was all I ate all day and I barely managed to finish the soup. All this to say, it is no surprise that the scales are moving downwards.

I had a mini goal of getting to 175 kg by the time my latest endocrinology appointment came around (19th August) and it would appear that I have more than made that goal. I wonder if it’s going to be a permanent kind of loss or whether, once COVID has done with me, the numbers will bounce back up. Even during the Weight Management course I had to attend in order to be put forward for weight loss surgery, I didn’t lose weight like this. By the time I spoke to the surgeon, life had kicked me in the teeth a few times and I was up to 190something kgs. To be heading towards 173 kg is making my mind spiral. It kinda helps that my brain is cottage cheese – who has the time to suffer through an existential crisis when you have a constant headache, feel like crap and can barely stand the thought of drinking water, let alone eating something? Maybe it’s good that I have COVID (seriously, I don’t mean that in a stupid way, more of a having COVID means that I don’t have the energy to be thinking of all the other stuff that normally fills my head). But yeah, it’s less about trying to eat less and more about trying to eat something each day.

Speaking to Violet should mean that I find out what my new A1C is as I never did find out from the surgery following my annual check up. I wonder what it is – I wonder if it’s good? I wonder if it’s showing how much difference Ozempic is making or whether it will show that losing the weight hasn’t made much difference to my diabetes? I’m only awake as my eyes are itching so badly that I needed to dose them up so that I can get some sleep. I’m not sure if I’ll use the CPAP tonight – seeing blood in my sputum scared me a little, even though it sounds like it’s a relatively normal side effect of the coughing.

I haven’t been vaping weed the last couple of nights – my order was meant to arrive from Mamedica today but it got waylaid by Royal Mail so should be in tomorrow. Maybe the new strain I am trying – Big Narstie Purple Milk I think it’s called – will help with the sleep issue. That would be so nice because at the moment it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I am exhausted. Added to my normal fatigue levels, I am feeling like death warmed up – even walking to the bathroom and back is enough to have me sweating, shaking and feeling like I’m either going to throw up or pass out. High sleep is way better than no sleep.

new scale victory/mini goal and NOT Ozempic Karmic Justice

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 175.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Well last night was a bit of a nightmare! I had my usual hot-dogs, followed by grapes and strawberries. Shortly after that, I began to experience tummy ache which I hoped a trip to the bathroom would alleviate. I pretty much figured there was nothing left but the sulphur burps started and they were so incredibly painful. Finally went to bed but got really scared about putting my CPAP mask on – the thought of vomiting in my sleep and asphyxiating made it hard to drop off. Probably a good thing because my stomach was twisting and I ended up throwing off the mask and throwing up in the bin.

And I kept throwing up. I managed to contain most of it but was feeling light-headed and scared. It was around 5 am that I called Stripes and asked her to come and help me. I threw up a few more times, then I changed my jimjams and cleaned up the mess by the side of the bed. Stripes took the bin-bag out of the flat because I was just ugh then after sipping some water, we decided I needed to try to sleep again. No CPAP mask and elevated by pillows and I dropped off.

Spent most of the day dozing when I wasn’t sipping slightly flat fizzy or going to the bathroom, but fortunately no more throwing up. In the end I managed to eat a roll, a fish pie and some biscuits because I was feeling nauseated from hunger.

I can only assume I threw up all of the food that I ate on Sunday, plus whatever was ‘backed’ up from the previous days but there was definitely nothing left in the tank. Stripes and I have theorised that grapes were the only new thing I introduced to my diet and what may have happened with the delayed digestion is that they stuck around fermenting until my body couldn’t take it any more. I am also a little concerned about onions as apparently they can cause sulphur burps but Stripes quite rightly told me we should eliminate things one at a time rather than throwing away everything I’d eaten on Sunday as non-compatible.

Silver lining? The scales dropped 2 kgs so not only have I broken into new numbers, I have lost over 72 lbs. Am I happy? Yes! Do I expect this to continue? Probably not – in fact, I need to be aware that as I return to normal eating the number may bob back up.

During my sad ramblings whilst I was throwing up at 5 am, I did wonder if it was partly my fault because I had spent so much time complaining that Ozempic wasn’t working for me the way it had before and the numbers weren’t moving, but Stripes said quite firmly that me going through the sweats and vomiting was not some Ozempic Karmicc Justice striking me so I have to take her word for it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Scale Victory : 30 kgs down

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 177.7 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Today we have a scale victory. I have officially lost 30 kgs. I am pleased but struggling with the after-effects of the eye drops they use at my diabetic eye screening so am feeling rather subdued and headachey, but I didn’t want to miss this mini goal.