the self-sabotage is strong in this one

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.9 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The self sabotage is strong in this one.

Last night instead of going to sleep, I decided to listen to the inner voice that told me I could just grab a packet of crisps from the pantry. I even knew I was bullshitting myself because I didn’t take my phone with me, which was absolutely stupid because if I’d fallen or something no-one would have heard me or been able to help.

Once I was in the pantry, I grabbed: a packet of crisps, some mini biscuits and the half empty packet of nuts. Nuts and I have a chequered past. I love them – like obsessively – but they rip up my insides, and on their way out, tend to do a lot of damage. So this complete and utter idiot proceeds to eat all of the leftover nuts. Like, my mouth was feeling arid because of the salt, I was feeling sick whilst doing it, my teeth were hurting with little bits of nut getting stuck, yet I kept going until I’d eaten them all.

Why? I had a good day eating-wise. To be fair, even after all of those snacks I didn’t have a bad eating day. But what I chose to eat, when I chose to eat it and why are the ‘bad’ things. I don’t know if I was trying to precipitate a crisis, make myself sick, bring on the side effects, I just don’t know.

I’ve woken up on Sunday, the last day in June, knowing that I ended the month on a gain (about 0.3 kgs) – who the hell knows what I could have seen if it wasn’t for my middle of the night mini-binge. It literally feels like I needed to drag myself into July feeling crap about myself.

After unloading on Stripes (I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes), I asked for the last set of Mantra paperwork she had so that I can try to unravel why I did what I did. I’m going to update all of my writing numbers at 1 million words, then settle down and try to do a little bit of the Mantra work. I also want to get some reading done. I believe the Jaycey is coming back from work with Gidget later (she has a long shift at the club/pub where she works but should be home around 11 pm unless they stay for drinks. Stripes has stuff she wants to get done.

I did a good thing – Munch had a huge clump of matted fur around her neck and I managed to work through it so we didn’t have to cut it out. It has left a bit of a bald patch and we need to keep an eye on it, but I feel good that we caught it and were able to get rid of it for her without too much suffering/anguish. She didn’t exactly thank us for it – I have some micro scratches over my arms and hands – but we did get a tail floof of thanks before she ran away to hide from the evil humans that massacred her beautiful fur.

So, yeah, not the best start to the day and time for some self-reflection.