non scale victory, Mantra and yo-yo scales

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 177.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The scales continue to do their little yo-yo dance. I’ve seen 176 a few times but then towards the end of the week, 177 has been showing up more frequently. I thought it might be constipation but last night I had my ‘clearing out’ so I was really hoping that the scales would show a difference. Instead, I’m still in the 177s which is depressing. In fact, I’m the same weight as I was ten days ago.

Today I finally cracked open the latest Mantra worksheet that Stripes has lent to me. It’s about “Learning to Manage Extreme and Overwhelming Emotions” and every single one of those capitalisations is deserved. This was a bit of a nasty one, especially as we’re trying to negotiate the whole living together with the three of us and keeping things fair. Obviously with the whole JC situation, Gidget has let a few things slip but with them being banned from the club, things should settle down. Which means its’ time to address the stuff that hasn’t been being taken care of at home.

We almost instantly reverted to our normal: Gidget apologising and saying she would do better without being able to give anything concrete, whilst also appearing to not understand why it was an issue that she was letting Stripes carry the bulk of things. There was an outburst where she basically accused Stripes and I of holding a silent WhatsApp conversation slagging her off and how we hate her and think she’s lazy. It’s not things we haven’t heard before but it’s disappointing that we’re back to that, even though she knows that we’re not having secret conversations about her, don’t hate her, don’t wish she wasn’t here, etc.

Which brings me back to the Mantra stuff because it suggests writing letters from different perspectives so that you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes. But isn’t part of the problem that we keep putting ourselves in her shoes, often to our detriment because we try to be understanding and supportive. There’s only so much empathy you can have for someone before you have to set a boundary to protect yourself isn’t there? But how do you do that when you know someone you care about is struggling? I keep saying to Stripes that we need to make sure we’re not setting ourselves on fire in order to keep someone else warm, but it’s so difficult finding the right cut-off point. And often, we are not in the same place at the same time so, for example, me setting a boundary to protect myself might mean that Stripes is then in a position of more harm because she is having to handle the ‘slack’ left by my withdrawal and vice versa.

Eating-wise, this last week I have been struggling with eating even when I’m not hungry. I can’t figure out what I want to eat so am just having hot-dogs with onions each day, followed by Jaffa cakes, a bag of crisps, a couple of cherry bakewells and strawberries. That doesn’t sound so bad, but I also sometimes have chocolate buttons and it feels like I’m having a lot of chocolate, and I’m eating just because it’s in front of me. The issue is I hate continuously asking Stripes to interrupt her evening to get me things so its’ easier if I get it all at once, but then I end up eating it.

My sleep patterns are shit – last night I didn’t go to bed at all, and finally crashed around 11.30 am this morning. I set an alarm for 2 pm so that hopefully I’ll get tired at a normal time and actually get a night’s sleep. And I know that not sleeping doesn’t help with the weight loss aspect of things, so its’ all a bit circular. Even vaping isn’t helping with the sleeping although that might be the strain that I’m vaping at that time of night that I need to look into.

I have a telephone appointment scheduled with Violet for 19th August and I would really love to finally shift into new numbers before that appointment happens. Which is a mini goal of losing about 2 kgs in the next four weeks. That should be more than doable but I must admit, I feel doubtful that I can reach that target. Which means that the ever-present sword of weight loss surgery rears its’ head again. Violet is very good at chasing them up which means I might well hear back from them by the end of August and a decision needs to be made.

And I’m not ready to make the decision. I still want to see if I can do this using Ozempic or other semaglutides and avoid surgery altogether. But I need to be realistic. I don’t know if I need to titrate up again to a higher dose but just the idea makes me feel scared. Not necessarily about the weight loss but about the potential side effects.

I did have a NSV. I bought a new dressing gown in a size 28/30. Normally, I pick the biggest size a store does. In men’s dressing gowns I’ve been wearing an 8XL and its’ roomy (but also old and a little smelly) so I looked for a new one. I opted for the 28/30 as the 32/34 was out of stock. It fits but its’ not roomy and feels constrictive. I don’t know if the restriction is because its too small for me or I’m just not used to wearing things that fit. I also bought some ‘satin-like’ pyjamas and ended up changing out of them because I just couldn’t relax. They fit – I got them on, could sit down and everything, but I was just so aware of them and worried that I would rip them or something that I ended up changing into something cotton, stretchy and a size larger.

I might try to do some of the Mantra exercises – writing letters detailing an emotionally traumatic event and how me and the girls handled it from each of their perspectives. I just feel like that’s going to be incredible emotional in and of itself and am too fragile emotionally to do that today. My brain just won’t let me – I need a reset. Mantra talked about methods of self-soothing so I think I’m going to try to figure out what soothes me when I’m feeling overwhelmed (soothing in a healthy way, like reading, writing, playing games).

Heading into the last week and a half of July and feeling more than a little defeated. I really need to sharpen my focus on myself and what I want and need because otherwise why am I on this medication? It won’t work unless I work with it and I don’t feel that I have been able to do that over the last few weeks. I need to recommit to myself, maybe re-read some of my previous posts and get the fire back. Because at the moment I have the inclination, motivation and enthusiasm as a wet firework. And heading into the second half of the year, I want to be firing on as many cylinders as possible and giving myself the best chance of success.