Pre-op diet Day 12 and a little retrospection

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 165 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 12

Surgery Countdown⟫ 16 days

Lots going on in my head so I decided now was a good time to do a look back on how things were.

Back in November 2023, I weighed 201.4kg so had made a start on things. I was using Trulicity and really surprised at how things were going – I was losing weight, and apart from the side effects like constipation and diarrhoea, things were going well. I was on the weight management track but hadn’t heard anything from surgeons or anything like that – I mainly spoke to the Endocrinology department. Just over a stone in weight wasn’t a huge loss but it felt like this time might be different because this time I didn’t have to make HUGE changes. I wasn’t feeling hungry all of the time and felt like I might actually be getting things under control.

I was worried about what might happen if there were supply shortages but felt pretty determined to keep going. I remember reading about the Oviva programme whereby the NHS funded a VLCD for twelve weeks and worrying about coming off of Trulicity/Ozempic to do that. In the end, that didn’t happen – mess ups with the surgery, etc meant that my application got kinda waylaid. I guess that’s completely in the past now.

And now I’m 17 days away from the surgery, over 42.7kg lower in weight, but my head is still a mess. I know that losing the weight isn’t going to fix my whole life. I’ll still have mobility issues; still have osteoarthritis in both knees, sciatica, vertigo, migraines – none of those issues will go away because I lose weight. IBS has been joined by all sorts of other side effects – vomiting, diarrhoea and/or constipation, body image, surgery fears. Sometimes I look at this and feel like I’ve just added a whole host of problems and mental issues on top of what was already there.

I spend a lot of time on the bariatric surgery subreddit and find the stories alternately uplifting and terrifying. People take pictures of themselves before they are going into surgery and my automatic thought is that that will be me soon. The before and after photos of some people are mind boggling and mostly inspirational. Sometimes I feel jealous because it seems like losing even the smallest amount of weight can make some people look like someone else entirely, whereas even now at nearly 95 lbs down, I can’t see a change in myself. Some people talk about how much pain they are in; how badly they have been affected by the surgery; how strange they feel inside their own skin. All things I’m concerned about. I can cope with pain – I have been for years – but I also find extra pain difficult to handle. It’s like I found my level and can pretty much deal with it as long as it remains at about that place, but anything on top and I feel like I turn into a whiny bitch.

Size-wise, it’s difficult to say where I am. Obviously before I spent most of my time in pyjamas (that hasn’t changed) but when I did buy clothes I either bought the biggest female size they did or 8/9xl men’s clothes because I could generally rely on those to fit me. Female size-wise, I have no idea where I am, but I am currently sat here wearing size 5xl trousers and tee-shirt and have room to move. So even if I can’t see the changes, they are there. I am aware of loose skin on my thighs and arms – bingo wings, shifting with each movement; my tattoos sliding to each side of my thighs when I sit down. Nothing is where it used to be and things are just going to get weirder and weirder from here.

I sent a couple of WhatsApp message to important friends, letting them know how much they have meant to me and that I look forward to sharing before and after photos with them in 2025. I don’t think it’s too morbid to do that – I just kinda hate the idea that I disappear and they don’t ever know how much they meant/mean to me.

I did email the dietician team but forgot to put my real name and patient ID so that’s delayed. We’re gonna stick to the one meal and shakes until the soups turn up or until we hear back from the dieticians. I kept down a Slimfast shake last night – drank it very slowly and took sips of water in between, so perhaps it’s how many proteins and nutrients the shakes hold that are too much for my body? I think I will stick to the slimfast shakes for now and leave the ones we have to mix ourselves until after the op.

I have the mantra workbook to get into, although since it’s 5pm I’m not sure if I have the bandwidth to really dive in this late. But I think I need to – the thoughts I was having over the weekend are worrisome.

Surgery countdown continues!