Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 23
Surgery Countdown⟫ 05 days
So what’s got me so agitated that not only have I not slept yet, but I’m still up at 9.15 having written just under 2000 words for a fic? Some of it is simply that I didn’t wake up until late afternoon yesterday, so it’s no wonder I didn’t have an early night.
But some of it is that I am feeling so much banked rage. It’s hard to describe and I’m struggling to figure out where it’s all coming from. Some of it is justifiably aimed at NewYou and their lack-lustre service. I have booked a redelivery of my stuff (again) and I really and truly hope it turns up today because otherwise I might find myself going apeshit on someone. The fact that they allegedly escalated it with Parcelforce and ‘expedited’ the redelivery and it still hasn’t turned up just makes me so freaking angry. If I hadn’t found a way around things, I would have been so up shit-creek because of their delivery shenanigans, not even considering the cost of all of this – money I could do with not being out of my hands whilst I struggle to buy alternatives.
Some of it just seems to be about life – choices, opportunities. If GLP1 medication had been around and readily available when I was younger, how much different might my life be? Would I have had the stroke? The heart attack? Would I have already beaten this battle before it reached this stage – where I’m a home-bound hermit, scared to walk around outside in case I fall over? Would my life have been that different or was I going to end up here regardless? Would I have made the choices I wonder?
More rage when I see that the scales are moving upwards. Even though J has reassured me that they are looking for my liver to have shrunk and the scales going down is just a bonus, I still feel like such a failure with regard to the medical goal they gave me. I even said it at the time, that I am crap at deadlines and goals like this and that I would probably find a way to mess it up. And here we are, five days away from surgery and I have 3.5kg to go. And I know it’s possible to achieve it – the beginning of the pre-op diet has shown me that. But it’s yet another stressor that I don’t need – I had high hopes that I might hit the goal early and be able to relax, but obviously my body doesn’t agree.
Right, something positive. J has sent me some recipes she used when she had her RNY surgery and they look more than doable. I’ve forwarded them to Stripes so she can have a look and then maybe we can get a shopping list together to get all of the stuff that we need. I have begun a basket at Amazon with Protein water and other things that I see mentioned in the YouTube videos I’ve been watching – I won’t buy it until after next week, but it’s good to be able to start putting this stuff together.
I’m going to take my meds and settle down, see if I can get to sleep. Book_grim is at work tonight, so it should just be me and Stripes, watching trash on TV and working on finishing my beanie. Not that it looks much like a beanie – serves me right for not using a pattern. It looks more like a fruit bowl, or being generous, a beret as the shape is just a wee bit strange. It’s a pretty colour though! Look at that, I found something positive to say!
I might come back and write more after I’ve made it through the day – the current plan is four slimfast (I only managed three yesterday) and as much water as I can sink. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see a drop on the scales?
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