Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids
Sometimes I feel like I’m turning into a right Jekyll and Hyde.
Middle of the night, when Book_grim gets home from work, it feels like we can have a conversation that isn’t full of undertones – negative or otherwise – but as soon as the light of day hits, anything we say to each other is just so full of misunderstandings. Maybe in the middle of the night, I’m in a quieter place mentally, so it’s easier to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and understand more of where she is coming from? Or maybe during the day, I’m just harsher, more judgemental, more likely to snap? I don’t know – it’s something that’s been preying on my mind for a while now and I guess it’s something I will have to figure out how to address.
My SimplyBe order arrived and it’s (quite literally) a mixed bag. The coat that I thought was going to be huge on me doesn’t feel like it will do up. I’m less than a fortnight out of surgery, so just why I thought I’d be swimming in it I have no clue, but I felt a little disillusioned? Not helped by the fact that when I showed it to Book_grim, she made some comments about the texture that made me feel some type of way.
The pretty dress I decided to treat myself to in a size 26 barely fits onto my shoulders and I am struggling to imagine a time when it will fit my whole body. I didn’t even open the cycling shorts, vests, trousers or pyjamas because I couldn’t cope with more disappointment. I did get the rest of my presents for the Oldest and they are now all wrapped and ready for Santa_Stripes to do her deliveries!
This morning, I ventured into the kitchen and made myself a milky coffee. It was weird – I can’t actually think of a time since we moved here that I took over the kitchen to just do something like that for myself but not only did I manage it, but I didn’t have to sit down in the middle of it all. Achievement but I also need to be careful not overdo it. I read through the Bariatric Bible to see what I should be consuming in a day, and I’m still not up to the basics that they mention. Weird, because as of this Friday, I should be moving onto pureed stuff, and the list of things I should be consuming in a day seems more than a little overwhelming.
And addressing the (teeny) elephant in the room, the scales went up for the first time since surgery and I’ll admit, I had a bit of a freak out. My first thought was that Mom was right and I should have been paying more attention to the scales and not letting myself get derailed by thoughts of cars, etc. Then I calmed down, reminded myself of just how much I’m not eating, and that fluctuations are going to happen and I need to roll with them. So damned easy to fall back into that frame of thinking – I need to be more analytical and conscious of things and not slip into old patterns of thinking. That is going to be difficult.
I’m so freaking tired. My incisions look really gnarly – no weeping, heat or anything like that – but there are times when it feels like the tugging from inside is going to make me feel sick. Room temperature milk seems okay, but just a little bit too cold and suddenly I’m chilled all the way through.
Stripes is making chowder for dinner and has said she’s happy to blitz some for me and I am salivating at the idea. I know it’s just a home-made cup-a-soup, but it’s the food that everyone else is eating which makes me feel like a normal person. Rather than a hodge-podge of body parts rattling around in the cavern of my chest, barely held together with glue. Actually reading that, I think I might need to have a nap and/or an early night because I am obviously going through something mentally!
I have a couple of books to read and I would like to plan my medicinal vaping timing-wise to ensure that I get a decent amount of sleep. I’ve managed to take my Lansoprazole the last couple of days, am getting better at taking the paracetamol suspension, but I haven’t been taking my antidepressants, the migraine stuff – it’s still all very basic. So, I need to keep ahead of the pain in my knees and my guts so that I’m not feeling like crap. I know it’s only just been a week since surgery, but I want to make the absolute best try I can at getting into good routines from the beginning. I want to make this work for me at it’s optimum whilst also allowing myself time and space to be human.
All that to say, I’m going to log off, grab a book and chill out until it’s time for our youtubers and watching something together later. I guess I’m having a waterworks day – oh goody!
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