Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 4
As part of my transition to normal food, I am allowed to eat ready meals. The suggestion is to eat half as a full portion. Yesterday, I tried a Tesco Cottage pie and was able to eat the whole thing, which to be honest freaked me out more than a little. It seemed like I ate A LOT and I was really concerned. Over the course of the day, I had All Bran with skimmed milk, Mango and passion fruit yoghurt with mango puree and the shepherd’s pie. According to MyFitnessPal, I ate 533 calories but I found myself feeling really guilty, like I was working against the sleeve. I did feel full but not whilst I was eating. I chew everything 20 times and try to count to 20 between each mouthful so that I am not eating too fast.
I ended up feeling really blue and needy yesterday, asked the girls for hugs and stayed up until after 5 am watching my 600 lb Life. I don’t know if I was trying to scare myself into remembering how bad things were or where I might have ended up; whether I was trying to use them as encouragement or seeing what happens when the patients don’t listen to Dr Now. Whatever it was, it didn’t help me feel any better.
I slept in until just after 2 pm this afternoon and my first interaction was with Book_grim and it didn’t go well. We’ve had conversations in the past about how difficult it can be for me to bring up potentially ‘contentious’ issues with her – she feels like she’s in trouble or that I’m attacking her when I just think I’m asking a question or raising a query. Today went the same way – I asked about a couple of things she said she would do that she hadn’t because she was doing her nails, and it almost automatically led to a bit of a show-down. Stripes came home from shopping in the middle of it and had to referee/translate, but things ended with Book_grim going out to the car porch and smashing plates whilst I felt like I’d done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and was reeling.
Book_grim said she was going through a bit of a down period mentally, which is understandable, but I still don’t think that justifies her shouting at me because I ask about her showering. I also raised the point that she knew I was feeling fragile and that I have expressed on numerous occasions that I am not having a go at her, she’s not in trouble and that I am trying to approach her as one adult to another about something that was agreed. It’s also a really difficult subject to bring up to someone – when was the last time they showered, reminding them that they said that they would several days on the go and still haven’t done it, and instead doing something ‘fun’ like painting nails.
I don’t know – sometimes I just want to say that I just won’t ask her anything but that’s ridiculous and doesn’t work because there are three of us living in the house together and we need to be able to talk about the difficult stuff. Regardless, we all went out separate ways for a few hours and reconvened for dinner. I watched some reviews of Electric cars because I am definitely interested in getting one with my PIP money come April.
This evening, we’ve watched two episodes of the new Harlan Coben series on Netflix, but my eating has been problematic. I didn’t feel like I could eat after the conversation with Book_grim because my stomach felt like it was literally twisted in knots and the thought of eating made me want to throw up. I ended up having the second half of the cottage pie, and once again I managed to eat all of it. Then I had two scrambled eggs and managed both of them and now I’m feeling like a pig because I ate so much. I don’t want to go down this road – I want to have a good attitude towards food, not a judgemental one. I may have another look at the Mantra paperwork I was doing before the new year to see if it can help me at all. There’s no way that I’m meeting my protein goals at the moment and the closer we get to the appointment at Heartlands, the more concerned I am.
I don’t want to compare myself to other people but I find myself wondering about the people I’m going to meet at the group thing. Whether they’re all going to be smaller than me; have lost more weight since their surgery; have meds and food handled and are tootling along successfully whilst I feel like I’m fucking up constantly. I guess there’s no way to find that out until I go to the appointment but that’s buzzing around in my head.
In good news, I did manage to sleep on my left side and the tumble-drier feeling in my stomach wasn’t any where near as bad as it has been. So maybe I can forgo the sit-up pillow for the future?
I don’t want to try to force myself to eat anything further today, but I want to try to get up in the morning tomorrow and try to have the recommended three meals and two snacks, although I might need to check that. When I was on pureed food, they said I should be having five of those a day, so maybe I should be aiming for five very small meals a day? Something to check the bariatric bible for.
Basically not the beginning to the new year that I was hoping for. Sigh.
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