Telling the world but not my family..

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 169.8 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Hmm, I’m in a bit of a weird head-space.

I found out yesterday that my mother told one of my sisters about the surgery. Now, that shouldn’t be a big deal but I wasn’t planning on telling family (as in those who live outside the area and I don’t see from year to year) until much closer to the date. Not sure why – I’m not ashamed of having the surgery, but I guess I just wanted to keep it to myself? Which sounds absolutely bizarre when I’ve put it up onto the internet for all to see/find if they so choose, but I guess that’s what it’s about – me choosing who finds out or is told. The thing is, once you tell one person, the rest is out of your control and this shouldn’t be a big deal but it kinda is.

My family is a little strange, well at least I think so. We don’t meet up very often – it tends to be for big birthdays for the matriarch more than anything. However, like many families, there is a lot of gossip. I know stuff about siblings that I’m pretty sure they never wanted me to know. But the difference is, I don’t say anything to them about it – I might know but that doesn’t mean I feel free to discuss it openly. And now I’m wondering who else has been told and what they’re saying about me. Which isn’t my business – what other people think of me and what I’m doing is none of my business as long as they don’t get all up in my business.

Not sure I’m making a lot of sense.

I don’t think there’s any point in saying anything to my Mother about it. I know she won’t have done it maliciously but I can’t help but feel hurt. Like, I talked to her about my fears about leaving the girls behind, all of the things that could potentially go wrong with the surgery. We talked about my failed marriages, my return to my home city – or rather, she talked and I listened and tried to understand what was behind it all. My mother is not very emotional – she loves me and I know it; she’s proud of me and I know it; if I ever need money I know she would find a way to help me, no question. But she’s not emotional – not normally.

But she cried. And I don’t know how to help her feel better about everything. I know she looks at my life and wonders what went wrong – what happened. I used to be a go-getter (her words) and ever since I returned to my home city, she feels that I’ve basically buried myself alive in my house. I don’t visit people, I don’t go out, I call once a week to chat but don’t tell her much about myself.

The thing is, I know she hates my life. She hates what being fat has done to me; she doesn’t understand the mental health issues I have and struggles because for her generation, it was just kinda stiff upper lip and deal with things. And chronic illness with no definitive diagnosis makes things worse – she’s fighting against the desire to say just snap out of it. But I know that’s part of what is going through her mind. She’s watched me lose and regain hundreds of pounds over the years and to a large extent, can’t understand why I can’t just stick with a diet and lose the weight. She knows what the media says about Ozempic and the like; kinda understands that for some people it’s not as simple as eat less and exercise more, but she also can’t help holding on to that mentality because that’s what she knows. She’s had her own struggles with weight loss and succeeded on Weight Watchers, but is also currently struggling to keep her weight down.

Maybe it’s as simple as wanting to let people know my own way, in my own time. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out and have called myself a snowflake, a wuss, over-sensitive. But I don’t think I am actually any of those things – I think I just wanted agency over my own story. I’m not going to reach a point of happiness about this because I keep wondering who else knows, who else is judging me, who else is going to be watching to see if I fail – all of those people who have done and said nothing over the years whilst I’ve struggled with weight, loss, all of it. God this is all such a mind-fuck!

Normalcy – went to hospital today for pre-op blood tests, blood pressure, etc.. Was actually really peaceful – not a lot of people on the roads so early in the morning and we were seen pretty much immediately. In fact, we were done and outside again twenty minutes after our appointment time so all good. The best thing? Their scales show the same as mine – if I leaned too far to the right, it showed 170kg but leaning to the left turned it to 169.8kg so that’s what we went with! So I’m officially in the 160s which is nice.

Jab day and it was painful I – I’m not sure why but I really felt it today and was not impressed. Maybe I need to use a different site than my arm?

So, to end on a positive note, I have a couple of NSV – getting in and out of the Uber was easier and doing up the seatbelts in the backseat wasn’t a big deal.

I think I’m gonna try to get some sleep and put all of this out of my head!