It's Too Soon to Catastrophise....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179.2 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

As you may have already realised, my brain is not a good place to be generally speaking. I can catastrophize even the best situation and a lot of the time, I can’t see the wood for the trees. Well now I have something new to catastrophize and berate myself about.

Yesterday, Stripes passed out whilst at Asda and spent a few hours up at A&E. The good part? A full check up which shows nothing to be concerned about, which should be reassuring. Should be reassuring because my head went to so many places whilst she was out. Brain damage, the intermittent fainting thing that I do, what would happen if --- who the hell knows what if my brain is grasping at; the fact that I couldn’t be up there with her, regardless of the fact that the A&E didn’t allow relatives/family to be there because of space issues; feeling helpless; feeling like it’s my fault that she’s not well/struggling because she prioritises me over herself. All of that lovely stuff.

Yesterday was not a good eating day. I had granola for breakfast – huge amounts of granola with oat milk. The plan for dinner was something small but obviously things went tits up. I had a packet of Jaffa cakes, crisps, followed by takeaway cheeseburger, fries and a ferrerro rocher cheesecake. Just seeing all of that written out makes me flush with shame. It doesn’t matter that I have excuses – being stressed shouldn’t mean that I simply abandon all of my attempts to get my weight loss journey back on track. I’m ashamed of myself for so many reasons that it’s nearly impossible to de-tangle.

I spoke to my Marmee this morning, just to vent and it helped. But then I feel bad because she’s getting up there in age and me adding the stress that is my problems to her is not good. I feel like I’m backed into a corner and the space is getting smaller and smaller.

In good news, Gidget got her assignments handed in. I know that they were past the deadline which caps it at 40% but that is still a pass. In the meantime, she has said she wants to think about whether university is the place for her. Biggest issue is that she doesn’t know what else she might want to do that, hence floating along with the course. Which I can completely understand but the stress of her getting her work in on time is kinda huge. We talked about her not being in Halls of residence next year to avoid the end of year rush – appropriate supervision/overseeing to make sure she has all of her appointments, medication, etc. But that only works whilst she’s prepared to work with us and I’m not sure she’s there just yet.

It’s the first time I’ve been in the kitchen in quite some time and I think the summer declutter should start in there. Just grab bin bags and start getting rid of shit. If it hasn’t been used in the past year, out it goes. Not cooking stuff, obviously, but everything else. We could grab the chair from the cat room and I could sit and help, maybe washing dishes etc, but use this as a chance for the three of us to work on something together. I was also looking into getting a professional company in to do a deep clean for us so that we’re starting from a good place for the summer, but I’m not even sure how to go about getting someone in for that. I need to talk to Stripes.

I’m feeling bloated, tired, grateful that Stripes is alright but with lingering terror – not the best way to go into the weekend! And it’s jab night – brilliant! Let’s just not mention that the scales have gone up again – I think one more thing and I might just implode.