Panic Attacks and Summer Worries

Today I had a panic attack. Well, this evening. Gidget has the deadline for her university work coming up on Saturday and has what seems like a lot of work left to do. Last year, we went through something similar but we thought things were okay. Turns out, she didn’t hand in any of her assignments and had to redo the year. Of course, since then, she has had a diagnosis of ADHD (which we have been fighting for for years) and was also put on medication. However, apart from getting an extension on her assignments, it doesn’t change the fact that she still has to put in the work.

Over the last few weeks, we have tried discussing it with her, but unfortunately all of these conversations went the same way as they always used to in the past – she shuts down, refuses to discuss things, makes vague promises and basically checks out. In the past, this has led to huge arguments, especially as she essentially shuts down any conversation that isn’t about a pleasant topic, not something that is sustainable. And the stress of these arguments, the consequences of her actions have hit all three of us extremely hard. It is no exaggeration to say that just over three years ago, we asked her father if he would be prepared to have her live with him because things here were just so awful.

And we’re right back there again. Things between Gidget and I have been better since she has been living in Halls – the separation has enabled her to live the way that she wants to, without me on her back about keeping her room tidy, etc. Getting a part time job also helped. But it doesn’t – and hasn’t – addressed the fact that I simply cannot discuss anything serious or potentially contentious with her without it turning into a huge screaming match, with Stripes trying to mediate in the middle. No matter what I say, or how I say it, Gidget hears me having a go at her, blaming her for things, or simply not hearing the difficulties that she experiences. I on the other hand feel that although I can sympathise with a lot of the difficulties that she experiences, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she still has to handle her shit – take the meds, talk to the tutors, do the work. Which she has once again failed to do.

Added to which, the stress of worrying about what happens if she fails again affects my ability to sleep. I know that is a ME issue, but it’s there. Whenever we talk about serious things, she becomes rude, obstructive and sometimes abusive, and when she’s pulled up on it, claims that she can’t stop herself. But my thing is, she stops herself with everyone else: at uni, at work, in the street – if she loses her temper or gets wound up, she doesn’t lash out at people the way that she does at me and Stripes. Which makes me think/feel that this isn’t a ‘blind rage’ situation – this is one of those times when (on some occasions literally) the only damage done is to me and Stripes. Nothing of Gidget’s ever gets damaged. She controls herself everywhere else but here and it has a detrimental effect on everyone.

Whatever. That isn’t something that’s going to be solved by writing here.

After the discussion, where I finally said that I wasn’t prepared to sit and talk in circles any longer as it had been going on for over two hours by this point, she left the room to go and get her stuff together to go back to Halls. Stripes and I were kinda just sitting in silence, vaguely talking about watching a movie. That is the last coherent thing I remember before everything just went wrong.

I couldn’t breathe, felt like there was a belt wrapped around my chest that was getting tighter and tighter, that I was shaking and couldn’t hold myself together. I was scared that I was having another heart attack and pretty much convinced that I was going to die. Stripes did her best to keep me calm and gave me the spray that I was prescribed when I had my heart attack last year (year before that?), checked my oxygen levels and took my blood pressure. By the time I had calmed down, Gidget had got her stuff together and left to go back to Halls. Stripes said she did ask if I was alright but I didn’t hear her ask that; she didn’t share her uber journey back to Halls and Stripes had to contact her to ensure that she made it home safely.

I’m terrified for what the summer brings. Gidget isn’t making enough money to move out – she works two nights a week and uses that money as ‘spending cash’. She still relies on monthly money from her father. I’ve talked to her about grabbing any extra shifts that are available but she keeps forgetting. She has very strong boundaries, some of which even she admits are unfair to me and Stripes. But that doesn’t mean that she’ll budge from them – she just acknowledges that they are unfair. She completely refuses to see that she is not suffering from blind rage – she feels that I push her buttons and wind her up, that I attack her verbally and she is just defending herself, that I don’t appreciate the struggles that she has.

And she might be right. I acknowledge that sometimes I fight dirty and can be immature in my responses. Sometimes I feel so angry with her attitude and how she behaves, her lack of regard or empathy, that I snap and say mean things too. But I really feel that I try to see her point of view. I try to offer assistance, encouragement, ideas she can try. But I am constantly rebuffed and rejected – if I step out of the box of ‘fun’ mother who plays video games with her, checks in on her and her friends, listens to her gossip and offers ‘vague’ advice, I get body-slammed because everything I say or do is wrong.

I cannot imagine another summer handling things like that. I can only imagine what it will do to Stripes, who has made such progress with her ED and counselling. I don’t want to watch one of my daughters fade away because one of my other daughter’s is too selfish to think about other people.

And then on to my selfish thoughts. The entire weekend when Gidget was looking after me, I made food choices that weren’t based on wanting to eat well, but on what was easiest. I made choices that at best could be described as emotional eating. I went extremely long hours without eating because I didn’t want to wake Gidget up. I don’t want this to be another time when my eating plan, my focus on myself and my success at losing weight gets lost under the weight of the three of us trying to live together.

I’m scared that this summer will be the final nail in the coffin of Ozempic and what it has been able to do for me. I know that I’m an emotional eater, and being around Gidget is one of the most high octane and emotional states that I can be in. How do we survive this intact? And what the hell do we do if Gidget once again fails university? She won’t be able to re-take the year again, and the only job she’s had has been the door work/running she does two nights a week. The thought of her being stuck indoors – the three of us stuck together with no escape for any of us just makes me feel so fucking depressed. I don’t even want to consider how dark my thoughts are at the moment. It’s 4 am and I’m writing this in the hope that by getting it out of my head, I will be able to sleep. The panic attack has left me with my nerves jangling, exhausted in body but my mind is racing. I even looked up the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks – like it makes any difference in the scheme of things.

I don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I don’t want Stripes to lose the progress she has made.. I don’t want Gidget to lose the progress she has made. I want us to be able to live together, safely, healthily. But I just don’t know what that looks like. God, this is such a long-ass rambling post that probably won’t make a blind bit of difference. But I guess I just needed to get the words out so that when I calm down, I can re-read them and see what I can change.

I can’t change what other people do – I can only change how I react to them. I need to remember that, internalise that, and think about the boundaries that I want and need to set for myself.