Endo Appt and Head Thoughts

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 173.3 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Today was my endocrinology appointment (telephone call) and it was short and sweet. Violet doesn’t have my latest A1C results and was less than impressed that I don’t have a date for surgery. As expected, she’s going to do some chasing with the coordinators to find out why I haven’t heard anything, was very pleased with my weight loss and admitted that there was very little she could actually do for me that I wasn’t already achieving alone.

It was kinda bittersweet to be honest. As I’ve said before, this is quite a lonely journey and having someone call on me regularly to check in means a lot – more than I perhaps realised. Again, I’m in a bit of a limbo land with regards to the surgery but to be fair, I don’t think I’m in the right position to know what I want to do about it. The current lot of weight loss is most likely to do with COVID – I haven’t been interested in eating or drinking anything which is obviously going to have an effect on the scales. I’m more than a little afraid of what happens when my ‘normal’ Ozempic appetite returns – will I see the scales bounce back up?

I don’t think that I truly appreciate the weight loss that I have achieved – 75 lbs is pretty darn impressive. I sometimes feel like I don’t celebrate enough when I reach these milestones? Like, my first thought upon realising that I had lost 75 lbs was that 100 lbs still feels a long way away. I didn’t even give myself a second to be like, yeah whoo, it was almost immediately how far away the next mini goal was and how long it had taken me to get to where I am. In some ways, that’s good – to be conscious that I still have a ways to go, that I need to keep doing what I’m doing. But on the other hand, am I going to get burnt out if I don’t at least acknowledge when I’ve done something good? It’s a marathon not a sprint – the scales are going to go up sometimes instead of going down, life is going to throw things in my way. Perhaps I should try to celebrate a little more instead of just head down, on to the next. What do other people do? Do they lose focus if they celebrate? Maybe that’s my internal fear – that if I ever stop to actually consider what’s happening, I’ll lose focus, chicken out, lose the plot! I don’t know!

I was having a WhatsApp conversation with Sandy and admitted something that has been preying on my mind. I wanted to visit when she came down (COVID made that impossible) but I also have to admit that there was a part of me that didn’t want to see her. I can’t remember how much I weighed the last time we saw each other, but there was a part of me that felt Marmee had built up my weight loss so much that – what if when Sandy saw me, she couldn’t see any difference because of how big when I saw her last time? But what happens if she did notice and celebrated my achievements? Would that set me off-kilter? I know in the past that when people have complimented me on my loss, I have lost focus – became almost complacent because people said I looked better that I forgot about the destination I ultimately have in mind. I don’t want that to happen. I want to be seen but I want to be invisible; I want people to notice but I don’t want them to realise that I have lost weight; I want to be celebrated but I don’t want people to celebrate there being less of me. I don’t know – I’ve read a few things on Reddit and the like where people are struggling with similar things. Like, what did people think they looked like before if they are so impressed with the loss? Why does losing weight mean that people treat you better? Why does it feel like you’re carrying the weight of all of these expectations when you tell people you’re trying to lose weight?

I know sometimes Marmee has said stuff – like being a little disappointed when I say how much I have lost in a period of time. She doesn’t mean to be negative but there is an expectation that if you’re using things like Ozempic the weight is going to fly off, which means hearing that someone has lost a couple of pounds doesn’t seem good enough? Not that I’m not good enough (that’s a whole different post), but that somehow my results that week aren’t good enough, that they should be better because otherwise why am I using Ozempic? It makes it harder because I have to manage my own expectations. I think my loss averages out at around 8 – 9 lbs per month which is GOOD. Would I like it to be more? Well of course I would. But I also know that that’s not sustainable – it took years to put this weight on so it’s not just gonna fall off, no matter how much I would want it to.

Maybe it’s time to see if I have any photos of me from a year ago and do a comparison. Wow, just the thought of that sent a cold shiver down my spine – maybe I’m not mentally ready to try that just yet!