Food Funerals and Lessons to be Learned

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ ?? |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Ever heard the expression grasping defeat from the jaws of victory? It actually goes grabbing success from the jaws of defeat or something like that, but the other way is more appropriate for me. I was reading on Reddit about people going for surgery, and someone asked the question about food funerals – a farewell to food before beginning the pre-op diet, having your favourites one last time.

I thought I’d learned my lesson about ‘last chance’ meals over the years. It pretty much always leads to binging behaviour, where I feel the need to have everything that I love to eat because I’m never going to have it again. Invariably, I put on a few kilos with these food funerals. And I’ve basically spent the last week doing exactly the same thing. McDonald’s, popcorn, shortbread, cheese and crackers – so much stuff that I simply haven’t been fussed about for ages suddenly became all that I could think of.

I even went to great lengths to practically guarantee myself an upset stomach by having a McDonald’s milkshake plus a McFluffy plus a McRib - I’m wincing just writing that down. Not because these foods are bad per se, but because for so long (most of this year in fact) I’ve incorporated ‘treats’ without making a big deal of them. Some of them have led to stomach upset, some of them have lost their ‘taste’ to me. But the self-sabotage button is being smashed with a vengeance and suddenly I have what seems to be zero self-control, eating beyond comfort level, eating without conscious thought – just reverting to all of the bad behaviour from before ozempic and trulicity.

Why? I don’t know – because I’m repressing my fears about the surgery? Because I want to pretend to be ‘normal’ for just a bit longer before I have to live on shakes for four weeks? The scales are still moving downwards – I have seen the 160s several times over the last week. I know once I do the pre-op diet that I should manage to lose the 8.5 kgs that they have asked of me. My head is just such a messed up place and sometimes I worry that even if I survive the surgery, I’ll still manage to fuck myself over.

The girls have been really good about not offering me things since I asked them not to around Easter time, but they also accept that I make the decisions about what I eat, bear the consequences and as such they don’t ‘police’ my food. I feel like shit because that means I’m putting both of them into the position of watching me sabotage myself, like I’m not worth the effort to keep up the good work that I’ve done to lose nearly 85 lbs in just under a year. I want to say that I’ll do better, that I won’t put them in this position again, and to a certain extent I won’t have the opportunity to – I begin the pre-op diet of shakes on Thursday morning so there should be no more asking for take-out or sweets. But what about after the surgery?

We have a booklet provided by the Bariatric service that lists what you can and can’t eat, and refer to it as the bible because we keep checking things when questions arise. Based on what I’ve read, I do the four week pre-op diet, then again liquids for two to three weeks afterwards. Then I move to pureed and soft foods for a few weeks before slowly reintroducing solid food after that. That doesn’t leave a lot of wriggle room for me to panic about the future I’m facing.

It’s scary to think that I could lose 15 kgs in a couple of months when it’s taken me nearly a year to lose three times that amount, but judging by the posts I’ve read on Reddit, that may well happen. Mentally, that’s a lot. I know I’m a hermit, but I do go out occasionally and once I’ve started losing the weight I know I have to go to appointments for vitamin injections, weigh-ins, etc. So I’m going to have to go out in public more often when I’m probably feeling more vulnerable than I have in a very long time.

I want to look forward to this stuff with enthusiasm and anticipation, but instead they just create feelings of anxiety inside me that I am struggling with. I don’t want to mess this up – I want to lose this weight and see what my life looks like when I can get in and out of cars easily; use a scooter without nasty looks from people because they think the only reason I use it is because I’m too fat to walk; to wear clothes that are pretty and not just because they fit; to not be afraid of going to doctor because I’m anticipating them making everything about my weight.

The other thing on my mind is the girls. I know this is all heavy stuff and it’s weighing on them too, but they don’t seem to be talking about it. I’m worried that I’m just being egotistical and expecting them to be talking about me and what might happen, etc but I don’t think it’s that – I think I’m just really concerned that they’re bottling things up because they don’t want to worry me or each other. It just feels so wrong – like I’ve made an appointment that could literally kill me and we’re all just acting completely and utterly normal about it. Going about our days, writing, shopping, visiting family, working with this timebomb in the backs of our minds.

It’s nearly 8 am and I think really need to see if I can get some sleep. Thursday the pre-op diet starts whether I feel ready for it or not and I want to face it on a good night’s sleep. All I can do is what the ‘bible’ tells me to do – four shakes per day plus 2 litres of water. That’s it – no other thought required – what could be simpler than that? Excuse me while I die of hysterical laughter!