Feelings - it's always about the feelings

I’m only giving myself 15 minutes to do this otherwise I’ll be up all night.

Gidget has just got back from work and it sounds like it was stressful. She’s also very tearful and full of worry about the surgery, especially with how quickly the time is passing.

I feel like shit – I’m putting all of the girls, all of my family through this stress and worry because I haven’t been able to lose this weight without additional assistance. I know it’s not as simple as that – I know there are so many contributing factors that have led to this decision, and I’m pretty sure this is the right decision for me – but I still feel guilty as hell.

The thing is, I don’t want to miss out on watching the girls as they make their way through life. I want to see them happily settled down with partners if that’s what they want; I want to see them discover their passions and make their dreams a reality. And getting the surgery is the best way of doing that. Because there is no way I could continue on the path that I was on – getting bigger and bigger, more and more pinned to the house. That’s no real life.

But I know that if I decided to just stick with food packs/Ozempic, that I could potentially manage to lose the weight on my own. That if I could figure out the magic key to willpower, I wouldn’t have to go under the knife.

Even writing that out, I know it’s bullshit. I’ve been there and tried nearly every diet under the sun and look where it’s got me. If I could do it without intervention, I would have managed to do it by now. The surgery is the best option and I need to constantly remind myself of that – remind myself of what’s waiting for me on the other side. Being able to go to the theatre, pub quizzes at Gidget’s workplace, swimming, yoga – yes, all of the other health stuff will still be there but I will have so much more mobility. I won’t need to bring my wheelchair with me everywhere because I will be able to fit into any wheelchair without worrying.

I know everyone goes through second thoughts before surgery – the fear of what might happen while you’re under the anaesthetic is something that is burnt into my brain. And I know that if I can just keep going, keep heading in this direction and trust the process, things will get better and easier. Gidget is scheduled to work the night after my surgery and I reassured her that I will probably be home before she goes to work on the Friday night. And if I have to stay in an extra night, I’ll be home by Saturday. Her workplace have said it’s up to her if she wants to book the nights off, or go into work and see how things go, which is really good of them.

Sometimes I think the hardest thing about this whole surgery route is not so much the actual surgery but the lead-up and the feelings. Always the feelings.