Pre-Op Diet Day 17 and full of worries

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 164 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 17

Surgery Countdown⟫ 11 days

Still wide awake as not managed to get to sleep yet. Fed the beasties which meant Stripes got to have a lie-in and have been futzing around the internet. J recommended a woman on YouTube who had a mini gastric bypass, Laura Budreviciene, so have put her videos on the TV and will just keep going until sleep overcomes me.

How incredibly typical of me, I was 3lbs away from 100lbs off and the scales have gone back up. It would be so easy to get disheartened or panic that time is running out for me to reach the medical goal they set for me, but I am trying not to let that take over. It could be the Immodium I took the other day keeping me ‘blocked’ up and things will settle down soon – quick reminder to take my psyllium husks!! – and the weight will start to fall again.

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Does anyone else struggle with the right way to talk to people about difficult things? Stripes and I are on different journeys – I need to lose weight and she needs to gain weight. It means that the past couple of weeks of intense scrutiny on what I’m eating, what’s happening with the scales have been difficult. We’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, both struggling to complete our own journey whilst also trying to support the other, understand the way their brain works, and be empathetic/kind with words spoken.

But it feels so unfair that my journey has to impact on hers. She cooks approximately 99% of my meals and is heavily involved in the whole surgery process. She’s probably read the bariatric bible as many times as I have, if not more. And I worry about what that’s doing to her psyche. She always gives 110% to those she loves and supports, but it means that there’s very little left for her.

I have tried reminding her that the saying goes fix your oxygen mask before you try to help other people and I know she tries hard to follow that, but her natural inclination is to care deeply about me and the things I’m handling. Which means when she sees that I haven’t slept, she’s there offering a listening, advice and sympathy. But far too often, it’s to her detriment. This morning/afternoon (gonna be honest, after not sleeping I really have no idea whether it’s night or day), we were talking about my feelings of guilt and why I didn’t sleep. But she’s not sleeping either and that really worries me. She’s taking on such a huge burden being my shoulder for all of this that I sometimes think she completely forgets that she needs to take care of herself too.

And it’s hard to say that to her without it sounding ungrateful or even condescending, which I absolutely hate. I want her to feel free to say ‘not now – not enough bandwidth’ but she struggles with doing that because she doesn’t want me to feel more isolated and alone with all of this. I know sometimes the stuff I watch on YouTube (people’s VSG journey, weight loss, etc) can be triggering but because she knows that it helps me, she won’t say anything to discourage me from watching it. And it’s so hard not to just let it slide – just this once – watch something that might help me and hope that it doesn’t do her harm. But that’s not good enough – I want to do better. I want to reach surgery date with the two of us in a strong position and the only way that that happens is if we’re honest with each other. If we say ‘daisy’ when we really can’t take another word about a subject.

Gidget will talk to me – it can take some prodding and encouragement – but she does open up and share her fears. Stripes doesn’t do that as much – often in an attempt to protect me, but sometimes because she can’t articulate them, or because she doesn’t want to share them – which means that I worry that she’s holding it all in and its’ festering. But sometimes, it literally is just because she needs space and time to work through other things that are on her mind. I have to remind myself that I don’t have the right to demand that she talk to me on my timescale – that she’s perfectly entitled to say that she doesn’t want to discuss something – and not view it negatively. Yes, I worry – but as her mother, that’s in the job description – but my worry doesn’t supersede her right to privacy and space.

I might have to put myself down for a nap. I keep getting weird pins and needles all over my body and my vision goes blurry, and I’m pretty sure that’s down to lack of sleep. I had a slimfast with Gidget when she got in from work, so I don’t really need to eat anything. Maybe a couple of hours sleep will help me with the sense of foreboding I’m struggling with. I wondered if it was about the whole PIP situation as I still haven’t heard a decision from them, but in all likelihood it’s literally just being dead-tired, stressed and fighting off this bloody cough/cold.

They do say everything looks better after a good night’s sleep. Gaviscon, trip to the loo, and then I’m turning off all of the tech and I’m going to grab some shut-eye. Castiel is dozing on the sofa next to my bed and I think I should follow his example.