Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the sense God gave a lemming. For the past week, I’ve been having three slimfasts per day and struggling. I constantly have a bubbly stomach, some flatulence after drinking one and no bowel movements. But I persevered because I wanted to stick to the all-liquid plan. Why didn’t it occur to me to try just the Exante shakes again? I mean, I was getting an upset stomach using those but that’s really no different to the slimfast – not really. I also read one of the slimfast bottles and I don’t think that they are meant to be a sole source of nourishment. My brain is slightly foggy because I woke up at 6 am with this on my mind. But like, what if me being on slimfast is the reason for the fainting the last couple of days? And why didn’t I just think ‘might as well give one of them a go?’ Just so freaking idiotic. And now my brain is like just how dumb would it be to have the exante shakes today – the last day before surgery? What’s the worst that can happen – I get diarrhoea? Feel weak and faint? That’s happening anyway!
J sent me a care parcel – her hospital booklet explaining pre and post surgery, some diet plans, etc, as well as some kiddy cutlery(!) and a spool of gorgeous purple ribbon as well as a hand-written card. Made me feel a little bit pants that the best I could do was send her a card and a teddy bear that reminded me of one of her dogs, but that’s beside the point. The point of the ribbon is to measure all of my bits and pieces and use that as a gauge of the inches that I’m losing, without having to see the actual numbers. Flippin’ genius, and even better she sent me a picture of her own ribbon.
She’s always been special to me – we met on a Cambridge forum years ago but have always lived too far away from each other to see each other that often. This touched me massively – had a little cry in the bathroom at how lovely it was of her – and she’s been so reassuring about everything.
Today, we have plans. I want to take up to date photos so I can see what I’ve achieved over the past month because despite the scales not going down, I know that I have lost some inches. I also want to do the whole ribbon thing and make notes of where I am now. And I want to spend time with the girls – just chilling time. I can’t exactly do manis and pedis with them – I have to remove all nail polish before the surgery – but we can cuddle and chat, that kind of thing. We need to finalise the packing – Stripes is packing her own bag with entertainment, snacks, etc – and then get an early night. I want to get up around 5 am so I can have a shower, wash my hair, and then leave around 6.45 am to make our way to the hospital.
Book_grim has finalised a guy to come and down the kitchen on Thursday so she should be kept busy, and Oldest will be calling to check in with both girls throughout the day. The surgery tracking spreadsheet is reaching the end of its’ usefulness, but I guess that will change post-surgery when I have to make dietician appointments and regular weigh-ins.
I still haven’t heard whether I’ve been awarded PIP again and that is at the back of my mind but I can’t allow that to take root – that’s for post-surgery SK to deal with, whether I get it or need to do an appeal or whatever. They sent acknowledgement that they had received my application on 15th October, but I haven’t heard anything back from them since then.
I’m still waiting on Book_grim’s Christmas present to arrive, but I do have Stripes’ in my shopping basket and as soon as I get some money, that should be easy enough to order. I’m trying to figure out whether I try to go back to sleep or just have a futz around on my laptop, tidying stuff up. Or spend some time peering like a mole at the book J sent me and reading up on everything – I knew my eyesight was bad, but actually trying to read a book that’s not tuned to my eyes like my kindle made me realise that I truly am half-blind now!
It’s still bugging me that I haven’t made the medical goal set for me. I guess I should do some thought as to why – did I sabotage it somehow? How will I cope with the goals that will undoubtedly be set for me in the coming months. I did some calculations on a spreadsheet on what my expected loss should be and it looks like within three years, I should have lost a further 52kg which for some reason doesn’t look that impressive to me. Maybe I’ve just got a skewed idea of things but having lost around 43kg this last year, it doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe if I had a better idea of what I’d look like at that kind of weight might help. Ah well, all I can do is my best I guess? Time to start my (hopefully) last pre-op today – can you imagine if after all of this, surgery was postponed? ARGH!
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