Pre-Op Diet Day 20 and first emotional meltdown of many?

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 165 |

Pre-op Diet⟫ Day 20

Surgery Countdown⟫ 08 days

Having one of those days that just feels like nothing is ever going to go right. I bought some wash in, wash out hair dye to have a last-ditch effort to colour my hair. It looked all sorts of promising – my whole head was the colour of deep aubergine but by the time I rinsed it out, basically everything but my roots was orange. It was horrific and I don’t know how I didn’t just cry then and there.

Instead, I tried to put some extensions in (Book_grim went out and bought me some hair) but I got about ten plaits in and it all felt so absolutely pointless. So after having a bit of a mini meltdown, I shaved it off. What makes it even worse is that the dye has taken to some parts of my scalp and not others so now I have a weird pinky piebald effect all over my shiny bald head. I think I’m going to have to find some bandanas or something to wear because I don’t have the confidence to go out in public looking like this. At the moment, I’m sat wearing one of my winter hats under my headphones because just the thought of my head makes me want to bawl. Maybe when I’m feeling stronger, more confident, I’ll rock it but not at the moment.

I had what should have been a NSV when I put on one of my older nightshirts which used to sit about mid-thigh I guess? Now it basically reaches my knees the way a nightshirt is meant to and it basically kinda fits where it touches. But instead of being happy about it, I just felt so incredibly vulnerable and small. Maybe it’s just that the reality of things is beginning to sink in, maybe I’m just having a blue day, but I just want to hide under my duvet and wish the world would go away.

I feel guilty for wasting an evening with the girls in self-pity and whining and hate that I have made them feel bad in any way. I’m just feeling like everything is running away with me, with little to no control and I hate it. It doesn’t help that the weather has changed so now we have snow. My knees are adjusting to the change in temperatures and normally I’d be vaping to help with the pain but of course I’ve decided to take a THC break from Wednesday so won’t have that to deal with the pain. And maybe hide behind. It’s easier to let the weed take me away from all of the worries constantly battling for precedence in my head than try to face them and figure out a way forward.

Not like I ever seem to come up with a solution that works for long – patchwork fixes, plasters on top of craters, yeah, sure – but something long term and workable seems to elude me in pretty much everything. I feel like I’m drowning in self-pity but can’t seem to shake it off, so perhaps time to put down the technology. The new cooker is due tomorrow and who the heck knows how well that’s going to go?