Scales Creeping Upwards...

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 179 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The scales continue to creep upwards, my mood slides downwards and the fear begins to permeate my dreams more and more. I am getting more sleep than I have for a long time, but it is not restful and is getting weirder and weirder in terms of dreams. I can’t even call them nightmares, just weird-ass periods where I can’t figure out if I’m awake or asleep.

Yesterday I had four prunes as well as porridge, and in a self-destructive fit of madness, a slice of cake with frosting and custard – a lactose nightmare that in the past has had me living in the bathroom. And so far, absolutely nothing.

I keep telling myself that I’m not overeating, that the scales moving upwards has GOT to be because of the constipation, but inside it feels like all of my wrong choices are catching up with me and as a result, Ozempic is no longer working. I feel so utterly alone and lost – how do I make the choice about moving up to a higher level if I don’t know if what I’m doing is wrong? How can I tell if the appetite suppression has faded or I have become accustomed to it when I can’t even remember what real appetite suppression feels like any more? I’ve stopped snacking – yesterday I had porridge, prunes, three slices of toasted cheese and the cake. By no stretch of the imagination is that overeating but I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I wish there was someone or somewhere I could go to talk about shared experiences, but everywhere I look online it’s people with like 20 lbs to lose or something. I can’t relate to that and I’m pretty sure they can’t relate to me. On YouTube, I haven’t been able to find anyone I can watch that has started at the high weight that I am at. There just feels like there’s nothing there in terms of support and I am feeling lost, alone and if perhaps a little dramatic, quietly despairing.

I know that it’s dangerous to suffer from constipation for too long – the dangers of impaction, etc – hence taking the risk of having cake with custard. Sounds ridiculous but in the past, that as always caused an explosion. I’m trying not to panic (although this whole post reeks of panic) and really want to give the prunes a chance to work. But then I find myself thinking I could begin to take Dulcolax to help things along. But then I’m scared that I might do too much and – and what? What’s the worst that happens? I don’t have anywhere to go this week so if need be, I could live in the bathroom until this is over with. But that doesn’t help me now. Or in the future to be fair. How do I make sure this doesn’t just happen again?

Am I sabotaging myself? If I look at what I’ve eaten over the past few days, it doesn’t seem like too much. My water intake is pretty good as well as tea and iced Pepsi max. Not a lot of sugar unless I want to blame the runny honey I’ve been having in my porridge? I don’t want to act without thinking and because of that, I feel like I have frozen myself into inactivity. I feel like I need to do something but am not sure what.

My brain is just going round and round in circles and it’s making me miserable. God, anyone who thinks this is taking the easy way out has never been in this position. Maybe I should see if I can find a forum or something for people who are morbidly obese and taking semaglutides and see if anyone else is going through something like this. I know that something can’t be classed as a stall if it hasn’t been going on for longer than a month (I think) so maybe I’m just being over-dramatic and I just need to ride this out.

I wish I was still doing the mantra thing, but that was absolutely crystal clear in saying that it didn’t work alongside trying to lose weight and I can’t commit to not wanting/trying to lose weight. Maybe I should look at the other resources that were in the link Stripes gave me – the ones about depression and anxiety, body image – see if any of that will help me.

In the meantime, today I want to up my water intake, maybe try to walk around the flat a bit more to get myself ‘active’, and do I dare risk more prunes? I wish someone had the answers and would just give them to me. I think it might be time to make an appointment with a doctor and see if they have any advice for me. But are they going to understand it any better? None of them seem to have any real understanding about Ozempic etc, so I would imagine their advice is just going to be to up the dose. Which I’m still not sure is the right move to make. All of the things I have read say that the longer you can stay on the lowest dose, the better.

I wonder if it would be possible to go back to Trulicity? I wonder if that would make any difference at all? God-damn, I wish I could shut my brain off.