Puree Week⟫ Day 5
Didn’t sleep very well last night which explains why I didn’t get up until after 12 today. It’s my writing day but my creativity button seems to be on snooze, so instead I read some books and left some book reviews. Still a good use of my time and I am pleased I managed to get something done.
Struggling a little bit with the whole eating thing. I manage a scrambled egg each day (with a little help from Dmi) but apart from that, I seem to be living on yoghurt, milky coffee and the occasional smoothie. Today, I made my smoothie including a protein rice pudding from Muller and am struggling to eat it. I added yoghurt and mango puree but not milk, so it’s thicker than usual – almost thick enough to need a spoon – and I can take about three mouthfuls before I feel like my stomach is too full and I’m going to be sick. I’m nowhere near the five meals per day that I am meant to be on, and I’m beginning to think that I am not going to be able to handle mashables from Monday.
The thing, I seem to swing from ‘just keep sipping’ to mild panic that I’m not taking the vitamins as yet, don’t think I’m managing over 1000 calories per day and highly doubt that I am meeting any protein goals. Which in the long run is going to do me more harm than good. What if that’s why the scales aren’t really moving? I read a post on Reddit where someone is two months out of surgery and have lost 66 lbs!! Like – I haven’t managed to lose a stone in one month and someone has already lost nearly four times that amount. And it’s not because they weigh more than me – their start weight was much less than mine so they have less to lose. Sometimes there’s this panic of ‘what if I can’t do this? What if I fail?’ I try to remind myself that it’s been three weeks and I am still healing; the scales are moving even if it feels like very slowly; every body is different and I spent decades abusing my body with ridiculous diets, etc so all of this is going to take time.
But what if I do fail?
Okay, positivity: you only fail if you give up and I’m not giving up. The scales are not moving as fast as I would like them to but I am still sticking to it. I lost 100 lbs over the last year before the surgery so it’s not like I can’t do it – I have the extra tools now and there is no big rush to get the weight off as soon as possible. It took years to go on and may take years to come off. I need to stay the course, trust the process, trust myself and just keep doing what I’m doing.
And if I don’t make it onto mashables on Monday, then big deal. It’s not like the food is going to disappear if I don’t have it for Christmas. Far better to honour where my body is at than to try to push things along prematurely – I am worth the time and effort it is taking to do this. My goals are manageable and I have the ability to do this.
I think it’s time to grab my crochet and see what’s on the TV – Reddit and other online places are becoming triggers instead of support and inspiration, so better to just remove myself from there before it gets too far into my head.
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