Puree Week⟫ Day 7
My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I snapped – very unfairly – at Book_grim earlier because she was crunching crisps and it just made me feel so angry. I did apologise and tried to explain that today may be the first time that I’ve actually regretted having the surgery.
I’m trying to get my thoughts into gear so bear with me. Whilst I was on Ozempic, I kinda knew the side effects I could expect, whether it be vomiting or diarrhoea, and make the choice about what I ate knowing the consequences. The weight loss wasn’t speedy or guaranteed but I felt more in control. Ever since the surgery, it just feels like everything is out of my control. I can eat smoothies then suddenly I can’t; I can’t drink whatever I want when I want; I can barely identify hunger triggers; I feel truly lost with the whole change from puree to mashables – everything just feels really confusing. I was reading on Reddit and someone said when they overeat it makes them sneeze(?!) and I instantly found myself thinking what if this isn’t a cold but me constantly overeating? It’s like utter insanity in my head and I am so struggling with it.
I should be celebrating – the weigh in this morning means I am 0.5kg away from being 50kg lighter than I have been in years. But all I want to do is cry and drink a bottle of fizzy pop without suffering the wind from hell. My incisions are itchy and painful, the horrid tugging is back and I feel wretched.
Positivity! Yeah, okay, I can do that. I have been feeling like a real slug-a-bed recently, and the cancellation of the wet room deep clean bothered me more than I realised. So I set myself up in the bathroom with help from Book_grim and Stripes, and cleaned the cats’ feeders - -scrubbed off the accumulation of years worth of wet food and kibble. Then I scrubbed the toilet bowl, the seat, dusted off the cat fur that had gathered (yuck) and put a nice smelling rim-block. I know Book_grim was worried that I was overdoing it – and she might have been right – but I just needed to feel in control of some part of my environment. Yes I’m feeling it – everything hurts at this point – but I also feel like I achieved something. It might be small to a lot of people but to me, it felt like I did something that I really wanted to do that wasn’t related to weight loss or surgery. And I think I needed that.
Stripes made my dinner this evening: mashed potatoes, pureed spinach, onions, eatlean cheese and milk and it was lovely. I didn’t finish it but it was very tasty and made a nice change from what feels like a lot of sweet things. That or cup-a-soup which is another staple. I’ve also made myself a smoothie using the chocolate protein rice pudding with Greek yoghurt and some milk and that should see me through to the end of the evening, and I had two scrambled eggs for breakfast so I think I actually managed to eat my five meals today. Nearly.
Sometimes I think I need to stay away from places like Reddit, etc. I know the posts and comments there are going to be out of the norm, but it seems like everyone is dropping weight like it’s going out of style whilst my weight loss feels so slow. It’s three weeks since the surgery and I haven’t even managed to lose a stone yet. I think any other month, I would be relatively happy with that rate of loss but because of the surgery and comparing myself to other people, I feel like I’m failing? Add to that Mom’s voice in my head telling me that I should be able to lose 2 stone between surgery date and my first hospital appointment on 6th January and I definitely feel like a failure. I hate that I am letting that into my head; I hate that I am letting that affect my mood; I hate that I am judging myself so harshly when if someone was talking to me about all of this, I would tell them to take it easy and let things just work they way that they are meant to. I hate that I don’t seem to have the ability to relax and trust the process.
It doesn’t help that I am wondering if I am sabotaging myself in some way, like I deliberately don’t want to lose two stone by the appointment because that would be proving Mom right, and I really quite desperately don’t want her to be right. Like, how fucked in the head is that – I would rather fail than prove my Mom right. That’s quite a sobering thought and I think I need to sit with that for a bit – figure out how to put those thoughts, those feelings into perspective so that they don’t poison the things that I do. There are times when I desperately hate my brain and this is definitely one of those times.
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