End of January 2025

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 151.9| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Closing down the month and really not sure how I’m feeling. Mainly disappointed I guess. I’m sick - again. Sniffles, bad cough and an upset stomach. The upset stomach might be because I’ve been adding sugar free syrups to my protein pudding and possibly the maltitol has got me – I won’t have one today and see what’s happening. Apart from the hospital, I haven’t been anywhere this month to catch another leurgy and Book_grim hasn’t been to work this week, so no idea where I got this one. Le sigh, I guess it is what it is.

Overall, I’ve lost 3.8 kg this month which is a disappointment. I know I shouldn’t complain – I am losing weight but I can’t help but wish it was happening faster. I want to take some photos tomorrow as the first of the month but I don’t have much hope for seeing any real progress. I was reading some posts on Reddit and a couple of people said that you lose the fat around your organs before you lose visceral fat but I’m not sure that applies to me because of losing the 100 lbs before surgery. Either way, sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have just stuck with Ozempic.

I know my perceptions are tainted by watching things like My 600lbs Life where they easily drop 30 – 50 lbs a month, as well as the fact that they are starting at a much higher weight than me but it’s still a bit disheartening. In a bizarre attempt to make me be logical (does she even know me?!) Jay reminded me of three things:

1 - that's over 8lbs

2 - you don't weigh anywhere near 600lb

3 - you have limited mobility

So, yes, she’s right about all of those things but my brain refuses to hear any of them because I think I just want to sulk before I get back to sticking to the rules and letting it work for me.

Book_grim was in a lot of pain this morning, so I suggested muscle rub, an electric blanket and a heat pack, painkillers and finally getting stoned so that she can fall asleep. Possibly not typical maternal advice, but hopefully she’ll wake up later feeling a bit better.

I got a chunk of sleep again last night. Went to sleep around 10.30 and woke up around 7.45 when my stomach upset made me get up, so I’m wide awake when the rest of the house is fast asleep! I’ve already done my squardle, posted my monthly book reviews and am now contemplating adding to the story I started yesterday. I don’t think it’s going to be a long one – I don’t think I have a long fic in me at the moment – but it’s nice to be feeling creative again.

Right, let me see if I can get another chapter out and then I might return to the fiendish jigsaw – we made good progress on it yesterday and I think it might be finished by the end of the weekend!

Time for a catch up!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 152.3| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Blimey, it’s definitely time for a catch up!

Home stuff first. We have a leak coming through the bathroom ceiling – it seems to be coming from upstairs’ bathroom, isn’t steady or regular but we did get someone from the council out to have a look. I need to check with Stripes to find out what the guy said but I do know he spoke to the people upstairs who were apparently not very nice to him! Something about their bathtub seal needing to be redone. We’ll have to see.

The pump in the shower stopped working, and just so happened to do so whilst I was rinsing out natural black hair-dye! So the shower stall was full of murky dark purple water and we used quite a few towels mopping it up. A guy from the council came to have a look, then said he’d be back as he was an electrician and it looked like a job for a plumber. He did come back and they said they think the drain needs to be flushed through because the pump seems to be working, so we’re waiting on another appointment for that. Stripes managed to mop up the main floor so the bathroom is still useable but it’s a pain in the butt.

I dyed my hair – it was meant to be natural black but for some reason has come out a deep purple colour! Stripes said I should just accept that obviously my hair is meant to be purple, but I am a little disappointed. It would have been interesting to see what I looked like with dark, natural coloured hair.

The scales are moving downwards so, so slowly but I have reached a new low of 152.3. I did see 151 something on the scales but it didn’t last so I won’t count it. Since surgery, I have lost over 12 kg, which sounds impressive but I am more than a little disappointed. It’s not even 2 stone and it’s been over two months now. I know I should be pleased because the weight is coming off but I can’t help but wish for a faster rate of loss.

Following a recommendation at the group hospital meeting I went to last week, I have been drinking Vimto Protein powder and it seems to be helping me up my protein. Stripes has gone to Home Bargains and is meant to be getting me a couple of tubs of some protein powder from up there: tropical flavour and also blackcurrant, which was the bargain price of £14.99, so that could be good. I’ve also been eating Asda’s white fish fillet in cheese sauce for dinner. A whole one is a bit too much, which I discovered because I pushed too far (i.e.. kept eating after the burping started) and felt like my chest was constricted. I’m pleased that I’m beginning to read the signs that I am reaching my limits but man, it’s a tough lesson sometimes.

My daily meals look something like this:

Breakfast: Babybel light x 2, string cheese

Dinner: Fish fillet with mushrooms

Snacks: Protein pudding with dark espresso chocolate sugar free syrup, followed by another couple of cheeses if I’m still feeling peckish later.

I’m averaging between 500 and 800 calories a day, so I have managed to get them up since the hospital visit. I’ve had porridge or scrambled eggs a couple of days, but generally I don’t seem to be able to manage three meals per day. I think that I need to be eating a little more and also more regularly and then maybe the weight loss might speed up? It’s just difficult to do AND get my water in, hence going for protein water.

I’m back onto paracetamol in tablet form although sometimes it feels like it get stuck. It also means I’ve been able to start taking my aspirin again, as well as my propranolol. I’m only managing to get three sets of meds in during the day instead of four, but it’s a step in the right direction of returning to normal so I’m pleased with that. I’ve been struggling with a threatening migraine all week, but so far it hasn’t manifested fully. I can’t even blame the stress of stuff around the house because it started before all of that happened.

Book_grim isn’t well – totm has been extremely painful this month, with severe pain, heavy bleeding and fatigue, and she looks pale af. She hasn’t been able to go to work and this morning, I managed the miracle of getting her a doctor’s appointment – face to face. He has prescribed her some slightly heavier duty painkillers instead of ibuprofen or paracetamol, and he’s arranging for her to have an ultrasound. I’m a bit worried – we have a history of endometriosis and fibroids in the family, and I know one of my sisters ended up having a hysterectomy for her fibroids, so I’m hoping it’s nothing that serious.

Stripes bought me a jigsaw puzzle which is driving me insane. It’s a glorious picture of a bumble bee amongst some sunflowers, but it’s kinda circular instead of rectangular, and the pieces are all kinds of odd shapes. She got something similar for Christmas so decided to torture me in a similar fashion. She also got some sticky-backed plastic, so when we finally do finish it, we can line the back and I can have it displayed in my room. That’s if I ever finish it – this thing is fiendish!

Things ended between Book_grim and Luke, which was a bit of a shame. He said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship so I kinda respect him for not messing her about, although I know she was upset by the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ of it all. Mom visited us last Thursday and spent about 90 minutes with us. It was weird – two of the cats were on the bed with me, along with Book_grim and Stripes was in the chair next to me – I felt very surrounded, very protected. She was obviously on her best behaviour although she did make a few fat-phobic comments that had me biting my tongue. I managed to stick with the whole information-diet and didn’t tell her about any weight loss or anything like that, so I feel that overall it went okay. She’s off on holiday again on Saturday which should take some strain off.

I tried to do the Leslie Sansone One Mile Walk on Monday and almost killed myself! I made it a third of the way through but was utterly exhausted afterwards. Today, I did my first session with my new resistance bands and was pleased that I made it all of the way through. I did manage to twang myself in the back of the thigh about three or four times; Stripes hit herself in the face; and afterwards I have been struggling with some pain in my hip, but overall I’m pleased with what I managed to do.

I got some new shoes – the Wednesday Crocs!

They are a little tight across my right foot so I need to fill them with some newspaper or something to stretch them out. The weird thing is that I bought a size 9 and they seem a bit long for me? If the width wasn’t an issue, I’m pretty sure that they’d be too big for me which freaked me out just a little. I guess it could be viewed as a NSV, but I didn’t expect to lose length from my feet! It would be so much handier if I could get my feet to not be so puffy and swollen, but maybe that will come with time?

Heading into February and I think I want to go through my clothes rail to see if there are clothes I can get rid of. I don’t want to even consider getting any new clothes until I really start to see some weight loss but I think it would be a good idea to clear the rack nevertheless. I’m not sure whether I want to try to sell them or maybe I should just take them to a charity shop. Most of my clothes are very old anyway – like, three or four years old, so I doubt anyone is going to want to buy them so I’m not sure if it’s even worth the effort of trying to sell them. I guess we’ll see. I also want to have a go at tidying my bedroom, as the floor has got cluttered again and some of the cables for my laptops look all twisted and tangled at the side of the bed.

So I guess that’s pretty much it for January. Tomorrow, I need to post my book reviews round up, and on Saturday I want to take some new progress photos. You never know, I might actually get up the nerve to post some side-by-side photos here but I wouldn’t count on it. Not unless I can really see some changes anyway!

First Official Dietetics Appointment

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 153.6| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

Well the day finally arrived for my first dietetics appointment. We booked our taxi ahead of time because we needed one that would hold my wheelchair and it was there, which was excellent. It was a good thing that we decided to bring my wheelchair because when we arrived at the hospital, there wasn’t a single wheelchair in sight. Finding the place we needed to go wasn’t too bad, but we did have to go through a building, then back outside, walk up a hill, then down a small hill to get there. I pushed the wheelchair and walked behind it up the hill and I definitely feel like I did my cardio for the day.

When we arrived, we were told that I would be weighed then have bloods taken, which we were pleased with as it meant we wouldn’t have to wait after the group meeting for that. I weighed in wearing my boots (she took off 2kg for them) and their scales said the same as mine did this morning which was nice. After that, we joined the queue of people waiting for bloods and realised that they must be there for the same thing as me. It was weird because I was pretty sure I was the biggest person there but Stripes said that I wasn’t. I dunno – it felt weird knowing these people were in a group with me who had had their surgery around the same time. Like knowing what they were going through without actually knowing them.

Then I went in to the group meeting. Immediately I stood out because I was the only one with a bottle of water and the only one taking notes. I felt like the class swot. There was a woman there who had had her surgery back in October but had missed two appointments so this was the first meeting she was attending. I must admit, I found her a bit irritating – she just kept going on and on about how much she missed eating whatever she wanted, then was chatting to people whilst the dietician Gary was trying to talk. Next on my bingo card was a gentleman who talked – a lot. Unfortunately, I couldn’t follow his accent very well so a lot of what he said I didn’t understand. I think he was either Scottish or Irish, but his accent was strong. One thing he said that resonated with me was how he lost a chunk of weight straight after the operation, then nothing for about two weeks, then dropped another 5 lbs then nothing since. His loss was on a par with mine so I didn’t feel like such an epic failure.

Gary said that it was perfectly normal, that some people had a linear weight loss whilst others had regular stalls and plateaus and not to worry about it. Basically, he said to aim for a minimum of 60g of protein per day and 2 l of low calories liquids. As we get accustomed to the sleeve, our calories should automatically rise until we’re between 800 and 1600 per day. I asked him if my calories were too low (they average between 400 – 600) and he said that they are a little low and to try to increase them gradually but make sure I ‘listen’ to my body and take it slowly, so that was reassuring.

I’m allowed to begin light exercise like walking, stretching yoga and the resistance bands, but again to listen to my body. No heavy lifting until at least 8 weeks after surgery. If I feel any pain or major discomfort, then stop and wait a few days before trying again. I need to check whether or not I have been taking the ADCAL D3 which I believe is a lifelong thing for vitamin D and if I’m not taking that, then I need to start. A letter will go to us and our GPs outlining the meds were should be taking and the schedule for the intramuscular B12 injections that we are meant to get every three months.

From now on, our appointments will be 1-1 with a dietician and they can take place over the telephone as they are aware what a pain it is to get to the hospital as parking is atrocious. After that, it was over and Stripes and I made our way back to the main entrance and ordered our taxi. This is where things went wrong. We went through the same company that we had booked in the morning and ordered the cab at 15.46. At 16.16, I tried calling to find out if there was a problem but we were left on hold for so long, I hung up. We contemplated ordering an Uber but weren’t sure if they would send one that would hold my wheelchair, so called the company again. Got through this time and they told us it would be another 30 minutes wait. So over an hour.

We were not best pleased but didn’t really have a choice. So it cost me £60 in taxi fees today and over an hour of waiting. I really hope we don’t have any more appointments at that hospital because I don’t think I could cope.

I’m home, writing this up and then I’m calling it a day. This blog is going to have to count as my writing day as I feel completely wiped out. Stripes is pretty exhausted too – I wouldn’t have coped with today without her. Book_grim is going out to play Music Bingo at Barb’s with the new man-friend, Luke, and (hopefully) her friend Dani and her partner. So a nice peaceful evening is planned and I will probably have an early night. Maybe watch some NCIS or 1000 lbs Sisters as we’re on the last season so have caught up with them.

I think I am reassured regarding the weight loss – obviously it would be lovely to be dropping 20 lbs every other week, but it doesn’t look like my body agrees so I’m just going to take it slow and steady.

I had some non-scale victories today. My stripes boxers that I ordered in a size 5 xl that were more than a little snug now fit nicely; the bra that was a little tight just before the operation I had to go in one on the hooks and eyes and could quite easily have moved in another notch; leggings fit with wrinkles as there was so much space in them. Also, the chocolate brown coat from SimplyBe felt huge and too hot, but once we were outside it was absolutely heavenly! I felt toasty warm apart from my hands (I ordered gloves from Home Bargains so hopefully that will deal with that!) and it was definitely a good buy.

Back to going solo and taking it one meal at a time!

The scales finally moved!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 153.7| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Ongoing

I can’t believe it’s been a week since I wrote something here – so much has happened. Right, first of all, we discovered that the cause of the pain beneath my breast was most likely me drinking carbonated drinks. I thought things were okay because I was using a straw and getting more liquid down, but it appears that the carbonation was causing inflammation in my pouch, hence the pain. So no more carbonated water or lemonade for me and I have been on either normal water or squash since then. Which meant we didn’t need to call the doctor.

I had a few nights of no sleep, even after vaping. I think it was because I stayed up too long after vaping which meant the effects had worn off and I didn’t sleep. However, last night I lay in bed thinking about how cold my feet were and suddenly remembered that I had been wearing thermal socks to bed. I got out of the habit because I had put my last pair on the sofa and I think they got knocked off by one of the girls. So I dragged myself out of bed at 3 am and put on a pair of thermal socks. I hadn’t vaped so wasn’t sure how much sleep I would get. I woke up today around 1.30 pm so suffice it to say, I need warm feet in order to sleep.

And, drum roll please, the scales moved! I am down to 153.7 kg, which takes me down 54 kgs since I began this journey. The rate of loss is still slow since surgery – 10.7 kgs or about 23.5 lbs in seven weeks. That still works out at just over 3 lbs a week so I guess I can’t complain. I need to stop comparing myself to people on Reddit and TV shows. It’s not a reliable method of figuring out what my losses should be because it’s generally the people who have lost loads of weight since surgery that post about it. The people like me who are losing slow and steady(ish) are most likely not posting about it because it doesn’t sound particularly impressive.

I am grateful to see the scales drop before the hospital appointment tomorrow. I was unsure about attending – this cough is pretty gnarly – but not only is it the first hospital appointment since surgery but I believe that there are blood tests that need to be taken and I don’t want to miss those. It’s not going to be fun – Stripes checked the hospital website and it states that they don’t have a large amount of wheelchairs available and that we should bring our own. Which means getting an Uber that can hold my wheelchair which is going to be a pain.

Book_grim wants to come to the appointment but she has a counselling session from 12.30 pm and we’re going to need to leave around 1.30 pm so she might not be ready. I’ll have to talk to her about it this evening, make sure she knows when we’re leaving.

The good thing about going to the hospital is that I finally get to wear my Calvin and Hobbes hoody that the girls bought me for Christmas and my chocolate brown puffer coat! Result – I was beginning to think I was never going to get to wear them.

I ordered myself some new crocs and they cost a pretty penny. Even with the discounts I managed to get, they were £50. But they are Wednesday Addams crocs and look a bit like Stripes’ white and black Dr Maartens so I can’t wait for them to turn up. I got them here and I really, really hope that they fit because I went for a size 9. The crocs I’m currently wearing are an American size 11, which means a size 9 in the UK I think, but I’m not sure if the new ones are going to be wide enough for my feet.

Vee recommended TOA Taxis for being able to take wheelchairs so we’re going to give them a go for tomorrow. I’ve downloaded the app and it looks similar to Uber because I can pay that way rather than having to have cash. I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen into one of those black cabs before trying to lift my leg high enough but hopefully that won’t happen again.

I dyed my hair yesterday. It was meant to be rose-gold but I think some of the purple must have stuck around as it’s very pink. I like it – kinda frosted pink because some of the white is still showing through – but definitely not rose gold. I’ve been eating mega amounts of string cheese and babybel lights and they seem to stay down well and give me a boost of protein. I’ve also found some protein yoghurts that I can handle – Arla – that are something like 20g protein per cup. I want to try to get my protein up to at least a regular 80g per day although I think I should be trying to get in something like 120g per day!

Mom got in touch and said she wants to come round and visit, so I’ve said Wednesday or Thursday of this week to give me time to recover from the hospital. Stripes has some things she baked for Christmas still available so we can offer her refreshments and hopefully get through the visit without anyone getting upset. I’m not counting on it – she knows about the hospital visit and I can almost guarantee that she’ll say something about the rate of weight loss. I’m determined to stick to the information diet, so no telling her how much weight I’ve lost (or not lost) – just keep it at any advice the surgery team give me, maybe tales of the people I meet in the group tomorrow. Okay, I refuse to start dreading Thursday before I’ve even got through Monday!

I think that’s it for a catch up – I want to paint my nails and chill for the rest of the evening so that I can cope with tomorrow. Fingers crossed it doesn’t get cancelled again.

Comparison is the thief of joy - again!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156| IGW ⟫ 139.5

Transition to Normal Food ⟫ Ongoing

The pain beneath my left breast isn’t getting any better and now it’s accompanied by a sudden blinding pain in my head. It’s hard to describe – it’s like being hit with a hammer, more of a thud than a stabbing pain, but for a moment each time it happens it takes my breath away.

After chatting with Jay, I’ve decided to stop ignoring the suggestions/advice from Stripes and Book_grim to see if I can get a doctor’s appointment. I’m worried that they’re just going to turn around and say that I recently had surgery so I should expect some pain and that they will make me feel like I’m wasting their time, but last night was pretty bad. I was still awake when Book_grim got back from work and ended up sobbing with the pain. I’m struggling with sleep – if I sleep sitting up, it messes with my back, but sleeping lying down seems to make the pain on the left side worse.

We can’t call until Tuesday as Stripes has her ED counselling tomorrow afternoon, but Tuesday morning that’s the plan.

The scales continue to be evil – I saw a quick return to 155s but it’s back to the 156s and I am really down about it. I keep telling myself that I’m following the rules and doing what the bariatric bible says to do so I need to trust the process but in the back of my mind is the fear that I turn out to be one of those people that it doesn’t work for, or even worse that I’m doing something wrong and that’s why the scales aren’t dropping. It’s made worse going onto places like Reddit and people who are six weeks out are complaining that they have only lost 12 kgs since surgery. Like – that’s almost doubt what I’ve lost.

Comparison is the thief of joy should be my new mantra but not sure if it’s helping.

Okay, non scale victories: yesterday I drank nearly two of the 1.2 l bottle which included protein water so that was good; had a shower this evening and was able to comfortably reach to wash my legs and feet; when the bottle from my shower gel fell on the ground, I was easily able to bend down and grab it. All things that it would be so easy to take for granted but that I have struggled with in the past.

Hopefully the bed bugs issue is a thing of the past. Book_grim got rid of her mattress, bedding and anything that had been on the bed and we replaced them. She moved her bedroom around and it looks like when she’s finished, it’s going to be a great space. I have about five bites and am hoping that they come from contact in her room rather than the bedbugs moving into my space. Fingers crossed otherwise I’ll have to replace all of my stuff and I am trying to save for the advance payment for the motability car.

I’ve replaced my interim goal weight to 139.5 kgs which would make my overall loss 150 lbs – I still have no idea where the 141 came from but I’ve given up trying to figure out what it is! Hang on, I’ve just checked NutraCheck, an app I was using to log my food, and that’s where the 141 came from – it represented a 10% loss according to them! Phew, glad I figured out what that was!

Last night, I vaped some weed and it helped me get to sleep and I’m wondering if I should do the same again tonight, especially if I’m going to try to sleep without the recliner cushion. And I hate to say it, but I think I might need to get my eye-sight checked because I’m struggling to focus using my reading glasses. Argh, it’s like as soon as I have anything resembling a small amount of savings, unexpected costs jump out of me!

Tomorrow, I need to write a testimonial for my therapist. I’ve decided that it isn’t the right thing for me at the moment for personal reasons, but I do want to express how much what we did do helped me. Trying to find positives whilst I was in the midst of recovering from the surgery initially wasn’t easy but it definitely made me feel more grateful and able to accept where I was. That’s tomorrow’s job – now I need to log off and try to relax so that I can get some sleep.

Still Sick, Still Struggling

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3| MGW ⟫ 141.9

Transition to Normal Food

Well I can’t say that I’m in a better place than I was on Tuesday. Today is a writing day and I can already tell that I’m not going to get a whole lot done. Mainly because it’s just after 7am in the morning and I haven’t been to sleep yet. The last two days, I’ve been feeling absolutely awful – coughing, sneezing, a tightness just beneath my left breast and occasionally pain. There also feels like there’s a slight lump there but I’m not sure if I’m just winding myself up and everything is absolutely normal.

I’ve also got an almost constant pressure in my throat – I don’t know if it’s because I’m drinking my protein water mixed with sparkling mineral water and drinking through a straw, but it’s the best way to get my water in. It just feels like there’s something stuck in there but I can’t imagine what it would be – I set a timer so that I don’t drink anything for 30 minutes after I’ve eaten, which I kinda regretted the other day. Stripes made me a white fish fillet in mushrooms and garlic but I didn’t realise that she’d seasoned it with pepper. I bit down on a peppercorn and spent a good hour feeling like my chest was on fire. I think it irritated my pouch because things were very unhappy until I managed to drink some milk. Once I’d done that, I felt a lot better.

It makes me wonder if I should start a spreadsheet of the foods that I can’t cope with. I had Branston beans with a small amount of cheese and they were lovely and I managed them fine. I’ve also found the ready meals that I’ve been having relatively easy to manage. I only have half of the meal and nothing on the side and it seems to be working.

I think I need to reconsider my meals. I don’t know if it’s the mentality I had whilst on Ozempic – I didn’t have breakfast, then just had a main meal and snacks. I wonder if still doing something similar means that I am trying to get too much into my pouch in a small space of time and that’s why my throat feels the way that it does? I think I need to aim for little and often, with less slider foods like the yoghurt with mango puree that I’ve been eating. I’ve also discovered Babybel light and string cheese and they are the devil. They’re very moreish and relatively easy to get down and I find myself snacking on them more than I should. I don’t want to not have them because they are a good source of protein and get my calories up, but I do need to be aware that they are a bit of a temptation/danger food for me.

I bought myself a cup from Amazon to see if I can get my water intake up. It’s this one and is absolute massive. It holds 1.2 litres and comes with two different types of lid and two long straws. I am aiming for at least completely drinking one of these per day and using the protein water means that I am getting closer to my protein goals. Not that I know what those are – maybe I need to re-read the bariatric bible – but I have been trying to get to 80 g of protein per day.

I had a very upset stomach yesterday – the first time in what feels like quite a while. Maybe the scales will start moving downwards again? I really hope so – it’s so difficult to remain steadfast and optimistic when they haven’t moved for what feels like a good couple of weeks. I was expecting the three week stall but I wasn’t expecting to be at six weeks out and only have lost 20 lbs.

Now that it’s been six weeks, I want to begin exercising. The plan was to use the resistance bands that I got for Christmas and try to do them every other day. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have put paid to that idea – there are times when I can barely drag myself to the bathroom, let alone try to start exercising. And again, I’m worried that I’m making excuses for myself, letting myself fail because I’m afraid of success.

The girls are taking a couple of the cats to the vet for their annual vaccinations and I think I might try to get some sleep then. I know I’ve messed up my sleep schedule – I didn’t get to sleep until 6.30 am yesterday, then basically spent the day sleeping. I don’t want to become nocturnal because that seems to just be another way of avoiding real life. So of course, I’ve not slept tonight and will crash out when the girls leave around 10.30, then be awake in the middle of the night again. Argh, why do I do this to myself?

I have an ARC that I need to finish and review – I’m about halfway through so I should be able to get that done today/tomorrow. This weekend we are replacing Book_grim’s mattress, pillows and bedding. We think she has bed-bugs and I’ve been bitten because I spent a bit of time in there with her. I hope it’s not bed-bugs because I hate the damned things and I know it doesn’t take much for them to turn into an infestation. Book-grim is also talking about moving her bedroom around which I think could be a good thing. She’ll have to tidy various areas up in order to move things around, which I think will help her figure out how she wants to keep her space.

I know I need to clean up my bedroom again – the floor has got messy by the window, and I have clothes piled up in the chair next to my bed which was not the original plan. Once this leurgy has gone, I would like to get my room back to where I had it before the surgery. In the meantime, I’m not thinking about the rescheduled dietician’s visit which is on the calendar for 20th January. I worry that the scales will continue to go in the wrong direction. I was also thinking about the group meeting and worrying because I don’t want to take over and ask masses of questions (everyone hates the person that does that) but at the same time I want to ask things like about my vitamins, about the pain in my chest, etc and this is my best chance. I could email the dietician’s team before then but they were so slow to reply when I tried emailing them about my pre-op diet that I find myself thinking face-to-face would be better.

I’ve almost managed to wash out the lavender hair-colour which makes me hopeful that I will be able to try to rose-gold that I ordered from Amazon. It should be gone with maybe another one wash, maybe two. Not that it makes any difference since I still haven’t gone outside since the surgery. I had an excuse when it was snowing but it’s not at the moment, just bloody cold. I need to get my butt in gear and go out! I guess part of the issue is that I don’t want to visit any of the family members so I don’t actually have anywhere to go. And I don’t want to spend money because I am saving for the advance payment for the motability car. Right, I think that’s enough rambling – today I want to finish that ARC and try to have three meals and snacks, as well as at least a litre of water. Those are sensible goals!

One last note: I put 141.9 kg as my interim goal on Nutracheck which I am using to track my food and I have NO idea why I chose that number. I’ve done some calculations on my weight track spreadsheet and I can’t figure out why I chose it – it’s not a particular percentage compared to my start weight or anything like that. Maybe I’ll remember at some point and if so, hopefully make a note somewhere!

Dietician appointment postponed and where I'm at

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.3|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 9

How to explain where I am at the moment?

Well, my dietician appointment was postponed as the dietician couldn’t get into the hospital due to snow. I can’t even pretend that I wasn’t pleased about it – I cheered once I’d got off the phone – because I simply wasn’t ready. I’m all in my head about the rate of weight loss, what I’m eating, comparing myself to other people. I know that I have lost nearly 20 lbs since the surgery, but all that I see posted on Reddit and other places is people losing upwards of 35 lbs in the first month after surgery and it makes me feel like a failure.

I’m still constantly sipping protein water (apart for the 30 minutes after each meal) and have found that mixing it with diet lemonade makes it go down a lot faster, as well as drinking more. I’ve done an Asda shop and ordered masses of sparkling water in the hope that it will encourage me to drink more and ordered myself a faux Stanley cup so that I can keep going with that.

I had a small amount of Stripe’s char sui (oh man, I have missed eating that) and it was absolutely gorgeous to eat. I wondered if I would struggle eating pork but it was fine. I’ve also had a protein rice pudding but I’m not sure I want to repeat that. I don’t know if it’s because it was rice but it felt like it got ‘stuck’ in my windpipe and was an uncomfortable experience. I still need to learn the cues that my body gives me that I am full because sometimes I wonder if I am pushing through when I should just stop?

I tried Skyr yoghurt as it is meant to be high in protein but I didn’t get on with it. I felt nauseous and got sweaty (ugh) so I think I’m going to stick with Onken and Fage. I’ve been doing okay in the poop department – no constipation and no diarrhoea either, which makes a nice change from how things were for most of 2024.

I was talking to Stripes about how sometimes I wish I hadn’t had the surgery because I felt like I had more control when I was doing Ozempic. I struggle to remind myself that it has only just been five weeks since I had the surgery so things are still all over the place. You constantly read about the weight falling off of people once they’ve had the surgery but I certainly don’t feel like that’s the case. Again, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure, like I’m over-eating. I would imagine most people would think that I must be doing something wrong otherwise I would be losing weight. I log all of my food in MyFitnessPal and there hasn’t been a day when I’ve gone over 800 calories, so I don’t understand why the scales feel like they are creeping upwards instead of going down.

I was hoping to talk to the dietician about that in the meeting on Monday 6th, but it being postponed until 20th means that I still feel like I’m flying blind. I might email them and ask if I’m okay to start exercising – I want to begin using my resistance bands. I was going to wait until six weeks had passed but maybe they’ll say that I can start using them now if I feel up to it? I know a lot of people go back to work following the surgery in less than a fortnight, so surely the resistance bands is the equivalent of that? I don’t know how those people do it though – there is no way in hell I would have been able to work so quickly after having the op.

I was chatting to Jay and she asked me if I had been out since the surgery and I had to admit that, no, I hadn’t. She asked me how often I used to go out before the surgery and I said that I went to medical appointments or to get tattoos but otherwise I hated going out. I hate being the wheelchair and feeling like people are either staring at me or find me invisible. I also hated how it felt having Stripes pushing me around – the optics of this slender young woman having to push around her super morbidly obese mother just makes me feel sick.

Jay told me that I need to ignore other people and need to start living again. I know she’s right, that I was in essence hibernating at home and avoiding life. But it’s difficult, not least because of the expense of Ubers and going out. She’s challenged me to go to a cafe and I asked if the one at the hospital counted! She said yes but of course that was before the appointment was postponed.

I think the idea of getting a motability car is solidifying in my mind. Book_grim’s Uber dropped her off at the top of the road the other night when she came back from work because of the concerns about ice at the bottom of our hill. I know if it’s been snowing I probably wouldn’t want to go out and risk driving in those conditions, but it would be nice to have the option to jump in our own car to go places. I can’t do it until April because my PIP needs to be for at least a year before I can get a motability car and I need time to save for the potential advance payment. We’ve looked at both Jeep Avengers and MG HS electric cars because the advance payment is between £499 and £999 and they seem to be the best match for what we want to use it for. Apparently you can have a charger installed at your house as part of the arrangement, and if that isn’t possible then you get contributions or a card that will pay for you to charge at various places, so that could work out well.

I’ve gone down with yet another cold, although I’m a little concerned that this one might be flu. I feel weak, shaky and have a constant headache, and whatever this is seems to be hitting me harder than it has Book_grim. I do wonder if I’m catching all of these germs when she comes home from work, which she can’t help since she works in a customer-facing role, but it can be frustrating to constantly be going down with things.

I want to go out – I think. I want a chance to wear the hoodie the girls bought me for Christmas. I asked for a Calvin and Hobbes hoodie in a size 4x and when I tried it on at Christmas it was almost dress length. I want to be able to wear it out of the house, along with the giant chocolate puffer coat that I bought. I guess I want to show my gifts off but at the same time, I want to stay safe and warm in my little hidie hole. I don’t know – my head is a messed up place.

I have been watching 1000 lb Sisters and struggling with feeling like I’m acting like Tammy. It’s the earlier seasons so she is constantly saying that she will lose the weight she needs to in order to get the weight loss surgery, all the time fighting against the things she needs to do to get to that stage. I’ve made it past the surgery bit but worry that I am messing up in order ways. Stripes thinks that that is the voice of my mother in my head, telling me that I’m going to fail. Perhaps I need to do a bit more of the Mantra work to see if I can learn to be more compassionate with myself? I definitely need to get back into the therapy habit and will speak to my therapist as soon as possible.

I crashed out around 10.30 pm last night and woke up at around 4.30 am which is why I’m awake so early. I think I’m going to take my gabapentin and paracetamol and see if I can get back to work. There doesn’t seem to be more snow which is good as Book_grim has work this evening. Hopefully that means I can not worry about her (the other night I ended up staying awake until after 5 am as I wanted to make sure she got home safely) and actually get as much sleep as my body seems to need.

Not the best start to the year

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.9|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 4

As part of my transition to normal food, I am allowed to eat ready meals. The suggestion is to eat half as a full portion. Yesterday, I tried a Tesco Cottage pie and was able to eat the whole thing, which to be honest freaked me out more than a little. It seemed like I ate A LOT and I was really concerned. Over the course of the day, I had All Bran with skimmed milk, Mango and passion fruit yoghurt with mango puree and the shepherd’s pie. According to MyFitnessPal, I ate 533 calories but I found myself feeling really guilty, like I was working against the sleeve. I did feel full but not whilst I was eating. I chew everything 20 times and try to count to 20 between each mouthful so that I am not eating too fast.

I ended up feeling really blue and needy yesterday, asked the girls for hugs and stayed up until after 5 am watching my 600 lb Life. I don’t know if I was trying to scare myself into remembering how bad things were or where I might have ended up; whether I was trying to use them as encouragement or seeing what happens when the patients don’t listen to Dr Now. Whatever it was, it didn’t help me feel any better.

I slept in until just after 2 pm this afternoon and my first interaction was with Book_grim and it didn’t go well. We’ve had conversations in the past about how difficult it can be for me to bring up potentially ‘contentious’ issues with her – she feels like she’s in trouble or that I’m attacking her when I just think I’m asking a question or raising a query. Today went the same way – I asked about a couple of things she said she would do that she hadn’t because she was doing her nails, and it almost automatically led to a bit of a show-down. Stripes came home from shopping in the middle of it and had to referee/translate, but things ended with Book_grim going out to the car porch and smashing plates whilst I felt like I’d done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and was reeling.

Book_grim said she was going through a bit of a down period mentally, which is understandable, but I still don’t think that justifies her shouting at me because I ask about her showering. I also raised the point that she knew I was feeling fragile and that I have expressed on numerous occasions that I am not having a go at her, she’s not in trouble and that I am trying to approach her as one adult to another about something that was agreed. It’s also a really difficult subject to bring up to someone – when was the last time they showered, reminding them that they said that they would several days on the go and still haven’t done it, and instead doing something ‘fun’ like painting nails.

I don’t know – sometimes I just want to say that I just won’t ask her anything but that’s ridiculous and doesn’t work because there are three of us living in the house together and we need to be able to talk about the difficult stuff. Regardless, we all went out separate ways for a few hours and reconvened for dinner. I watched some reviews of Electric cars because I am definitely interested in getting one with my PIP money come April.

This evening, we’ve watched two episodes of the new Harlan Coben series on Netflix, but my eating has been problematic. I didn’t feel like I could eat after the conversation with Book_grim because my stomach felt like it was literally twisted in knots and the thought of eating made me want to throw up. I ended up having the second half of the cottage pie, and once again I managed to eat all of it. Then I had two scrambled eggs and managed both of them and now I’m feeling like a pig because I ate so much. I don’t want to go down this road – I want to have a good attitude towards food, not a judgemental one. I may have another look at the Mantra paperwork I was doing before the new year to see if it can help me at all. There’s no way that I’m meeting my protein goals at the moment and the closer we get to the appointment at Heartlands, the more concerned I am.

I don’t want to compare myself to other people but I find myself wondering about the people I’m going to meet at the group thing. Whether they’re all going to be smaller than me; have lost more weight since their surgery; have meds and food handled and are tootling along successfully whilst I feel like I’m fucking up constantly. I guess there’s no way to find that out until I go to the appointment but that’s buzzing around in my head.

In good news, I did manage to sleep on my left side and the tumble-drier feeling in my stomach wasn’t any where near as bad as it has been. So maybe I can forgo the sit-up pillow for the future?

I don’t want to try to force myself to eat anything further today, but I want to try to get up in the morning tomorrow and try to have the recommended three meals and two snacks, although I might need to check that. When I was on pureed food, they said I should be having five of those a day, so maybe I should be aiming for five very small meals a day? Something to check the bariatric bible for.

Basically not the beginning to the new year that I was hoping for. Sigh.