10% lost and Happy Mother's Day

10/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.4 ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to those in the UK – I hope this day brings you love and happiness as well as fond memories. On to the brain-fart stuff.

Well, apparently I was so messed up, I kinda missed a milestone. I was trying to lose my first 10% of my bodyweight, which was 186.93 and I made it at the beginning of March but didn’t notice! So, yeah, I did that!

I’ve re-set the goal, so am now aiming for 168.2 which feels a long way away. The scales have bounced up and down a little since then so the pressure is off (if that makes sense) but it does bring home the fact that the numbers are steadily dropping. I did my injection very early on Friday morning, and once again did approximately half of the dose. I think it’s making a difference to the side effects – I made it through my entire tattoo session without needing the bathroom or gassing the place, so I’m considering that a win.

Friday was a day of what feels like excess which is why I want to try to look at what happened (apart from not taking my injection the day before). Book_grim was here so we had a McDonald’s breakfast together. I had a mega McMuffin meal with a pineapple stick and hot chocolate. It was very tasty but I didn’t finish the pineapple stick so that’s waiting in the fridge for me. Then I had home-made chowder and bread for dinner with a crunchy ice cream bar for dessert. I don’t think I was out of control – I didn’t hoover the McMuffin down and enjoyed the taste of it, and once I realised that I wasn’t enjoying the pineapple stick as much, I stopped eating it and put it into the fridge, Is that too much to eat? I mean, not a good idea to eat it every single day, but is that a lot? I don’t think I massively overate, especially pulling it back and having the soup and bread for dinner. I think I did okay.

Stripes made the soup and it was lovely – thick, filling, tasty, with nice chunks of fish and prawns. It wasn’t heavy at all and I didn’t feel bloated after eating it. I think I also had a few maoms, which admittedly when I had three in one go, I felt the sugar rush. So I need to temper how much of those I eat – they are too easy to eat without thinking about it and then I feel like crap. But other than that, I think I did okay. I keep saying that like I’m trying to convince myself of it and maybe I am.

Stripes let me have the first chapter of the Mantra worksheets but I’m a little bit stuck. First of all, I didn’t really have the energy to get into it, especially when I saw that one of the first things I need to do is ‘name’ my eating disorder so that I can talk about how it makes me feel, etc. Is it laughable that the first name I thought of was Charlie? I mean, how exactly does the name Charlie match something I’ve been fighting for the last three decades? It hardly sounds menacing does it?

I seem to keep waking up around 5 am and not being able to get back to sleep. Which means I’m a dozy mare during the day which is less than ideal. However, this morning I wrote a chapter of my ongoing fic that should have been finished last October as well as did a couple of banners so it wasn’t a waste of time. I need to do some reading as I have an ARC that is due for review pretty soon, but the plan is to have a peaceful, relaxed day reading, playing video games and just chilling. I have a hankering for cheesy beans on toast which apparently may be my Mother’s Day Meal (yay) and strikes me as quite a decent craving to have. Of course, I was putting stuff into the trolley for a food shop and all I could see were masses and masses of Easter eggs. That’s going to be an interesting one to get through – sugar rushes have been absolutely awful whilst on Ozempic, making me feel sick and dizzy – so I know I need to show some restraint when it comes to Easter and all the chocolate.

Hopefully the Ozempic will help me handle that – as well as doing the work with the Mantra stuff. Which I need to stop putting off and just get my head down and do it. I don’t have any appointments this week so I have decided that working on Mantra is going to be a priority, as well as finally taking some freaking photos so that I can see my progress. I really want to do it, even if I have to ask Stripes to hide them from me because I hate photographs of me so damned much!

It's Me, Hi - I'm the Problem, It's Me

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 186.9 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I’m a mess.

I had my pre-op assessment with the anaethetist yesterday and generally speaking, it went well. The journey wasn’t too awful – probably because the appointment was at 11 a.m. so we missed peak traffic times. I had height and weight measurements taken and was pleased that even wearing my boots I weighed less than a kilo more than my scales at home say. Which reassures me that they are correct and that I am on the right track. (Imagine if I was naked on them what I would weigh!)

Swabs in nose and groin (didn’t expect the second one) plus an ECG, bloods and blood pressure and we waited to meet the anaethetist. The nurse who did all of this asked if I had received my surgery date yet and I had to say no. We were asked about this three times all in all, with each person being surprised that we didn’t have that information yet.

The anaethetist was a nice guy, very clear in what he was explaining. He was impressed with my weight loss since I spoke to the surgeon and asked me questions about Ozempic with an open mind which I appreciated. He checked my blood sugars through my patient record at the surgery as apparently none of them had copied over to the hospital database, which was a little concerning, but he was more than happy with the results he got to look at. He asked if we had any questions, explained what medications I would have to stop before the surgery, how pain relief worked afterwards and everything – he was very efficient and friendly. So all systems go on that side.

I can’t help but feel that the reason we haven’t received my surgery date is that it is out of the scope of Violet’s influence. I know she has been pushing things for me which is why these appointments took place, but the fact that everyone seemed to think I should have received my surgery date by now was disconcerting and worrying. But again, nothing I can do about that but keep on doing what I’m doing – any weight I can lose between now and when I hear that date can only be for the good.

So why am I all the way fucked up? I had nightmares on Sunday night about Monday and no matter how much I told myself that it was just a meeting with some basic tests being undertaken, it plagued my dreams. Yesterday evening I went to sleep earlyish (for me) and proceeded to have literal fighting, screaming nightmares. Existential bullshit nightmares about wrong decisions I have made in my life and how it affects the people I care about. Fears about the surgery and how, with my luck, something may go wrong. Like, death or even worse (perhaps) something going awry and me being alive but unable to do anything for myself and becoming more of a burden than I already am. It was rough and I feel like such a dick because Stripes is the one who had to talk me down from the terrors and listen to me spewing out all of my fears and negativity when she has so much of her own stuff to deal with.

I feel like shit but I can’t seem to shake the darkness that is swallowing me up. It’s like a non-stop reel of negativity in my head and every single time I close my eyes, all I can see is all the things I have done wrong, the people I have hurt, the people who have hurt me. And I need it to stop because its driving me absolutely insane.

I thought I had learned a little about not eating my feelings but yesterday I ordered pizza, with doughballs and cookies from Domino’s. Even though I know what a bad decision it is whilst on Ozempic. Admittedly, I ate half of my pizza, about four doughballs and a cookie and that was pretty much all that I did eat. But how can I have learned nothing about what food like that does to me? About why I turn to food like that? How can I even contemplate weight loss surgery when something that went well sends me diving for the uber eats app and stuffing my face?

I ended up not going back to sleep because I couldn’t face the nightmares so here I am, on about four hours sleep, feeling like shit and wishing I could shut my brain down. Just for a little while. I know that half a pizza, doughballs and a cookie aren’t that bad – not that any food should be considered bad in and of itself – but I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t stop myself from doing what I usually do. And I wish it wasn’t affecting Stripes – it’s so not fair when she’s putting in the work to handle her own shit and having to shoulder mine as well.

I’ve booked myself in for my birthday tattoo this Thursday and paid the full amount so no matter how I’m feeling mentally, I have to go – I can’t afford to lose that money. And having written all of this down and done a book review, I’m going to try to get my head down. I’ve asked Stripes if I can look at the Mantra worksheets she has been using from her eating disorder meetings to see if they can help me. I know that they are difficult as they make you face things you may not be ready to face, but I need to put in the work so that when the surgery date does arrive, I am as ready and prepared as I can be.

And I admitted to myself that I haven’t been vaping my medicinal cannabis because I didn’t want to smell of weed and have the people at the hospital judge me for it. It’s stupid – it’s prescribed medicine, it helps me sleep and handle the pain in my knees, etc but I judged myself and doubted what I was doing and whether I should be doing it, and for the last week I haven’t used it at all. And maybe that has something to do with the night terrors/nightmares, especially how vivid they have been – I think I read somewhere that very lucid dreams can be a side-effect of coming off of cannabis so might need to do a little research into that. But it’s ridiculous and I need to get a grip.

Into March 2024 - 20kg down

02/03/24 SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 187.7 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

The first chunk of this is how I was feeling on Wednesday night.

I’ve delayed my Ozempic shot and I’m not sure why. I mean, I’ve been having a miserable time with the galloping trots for over a week, but I was pretty positive that I could ride out the side effects. Also, this flu/cold thing just won’t go away – this evening, my throat feels raw, my glands are up and I feel freaking awful. But I was managing all of that.

What if this is me sabotaging myself, making excuses to come off of the Ozempic because it’s working and that’s fucking scary. I briefly saw 186 kgs on the scales the other day (although they ultimately settled at 188) and I really haven’t seen that number for well over five years. Part of a double chin has gone (this is when photos would have been really helpful) and my jawline is slightly more defined. Hardly Ozempic face but I can see it. Sometimes.

So I think I need to make sure that I take my shot tomorrow morning and not let this continue. Strange to think with all of the freedom to eat whatever I wanted, I had soup and sourdough bread. Admittedly, I did have two more slices of bread with lemon curd/ginger preserve, but I didn’t have breakfast so even with the extra bread, I didn’t go overboard.

I wish I could go back to Trulicity. I really felt more in control when I was on it. I seemed to have figured out the side effects and was settled with what I was eating. I guess partly superstition as it was working for me so why change it and disliking change in general. That being said, this is my fifth Ozempic injection (once I take it) so that should mean it’s nearly a habit. I remember reading somewhere that it takes six weeks to establish a pattern/habit in which case, shouldn’t it be easier by now?

I still struggle to figure out if I am truly hungry or if it’s thirst. Example, this evening at bedtime, my stomach was cramping and grumbling. I can’t tell if it’s hunger or just the rumblings of IBS and/or Ozempic. Why can’t I read the simple cues my body is giving me?

Okay, I think I need to get some photos of at least my face so I can do comparisons when I start to lose faith that this is working and differences can be seen. So maybe tomorrow I’ll ask Stripes to take some photos but not show me. And then do it again at the end of March.

Apart from the appointment with the anaesthetist on Monday, I have no real clue what happens next, so injection and ride out the side effects. A day at a time.

+ + + X + + +

I did take my injection but I think I fucked up. I’ve been reading about people not taking the full 0.5 mg and I decided to give that a go. I’m not sure how much I did take – possibly half, maybe a little more and I did the injection in the back of my arm like I have been doing. Since then, I’ve been feeling nauseous, feeling like my mouth is full of water and just not right. I haven’t had a repeat of the upset stomach (yet) and I feel maybe hungrier but that might all be in my head.

What am I saying, most of this is in my head. I feel like a complete basket case. Monday is looming large as I am meeting the anaesthetist at Solihull Hospital and everything becomes terrifying real once again.

I half decided that I should be treating myself to something to celebrate my weight loss but I am at a loss as to what I should do. I don’t really want to buy clothes – like, where the hell do I go? Nail varnish maybe? Heck, I’m so freaking lost at the moment it’s not funny.

I guess I just need to take a deep breath and keep going. All I can do really. Next Thursday is my shot day now and I think I will do another ‘half’ and see how it goes. The scales are still going down – I should be celebrating madly as I have officially lost 20 kg and although I haven’t lost 10% of my body weight yet, I am pretty damn close. But I can’t see it or feel it so I feel like a fraud celebrating it. I read the semaglutide subreddits with these people dropping over 100lbs in less than a year and can’t imagine being in that position.

But I have lost 44.09 lbs – not a small achievement. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I be happy about it? How far do I have to come before it starts being visible?

Photos. I need to take photos.

Sick 'n' Tired of Being Sick 'n' Tired

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 189.1 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well that was a bit of a shit week. Fatigued beyond even the normal, guessing what would stay put and hoping not to have the list of food I can eat and keep down made even smaller; unable to sleep and then sleeping like the dead. Yeah, not the best week ever.

In the back of my mind is the knowledge that on Monday is the pre-op nurse appointment. I don’t even know why I’m panicking about it – it’s a telephone conversation, not a test I can fail or the point of no return. I think my friend Sarah put it best – oh shit, things have got real.

I still don’t know if I was suffering from a lurgy but after the Teenager came home from Halls because she wasn’t feeling well, then a lurgy was a definite. Fortunately no more throwing up, but things at the other end were turbulent. It seemed like literally every time I ate something, I ended up in the bathroom – almost as if there was only room for a certain amount of food, so every time I had something to eat I had to evacuate something else. It’s exhausting and so wearing – I was actually in tears last night because I am just so absolutely fed up of feeling so crap all of the time.

I keep reading about people who’ve had no side effects, the weight is falling off of them, they feel healthier than they have in years and I admit I feel envious. I would LOVE to be one of those people who are finding it easy but I’m not. The food noise is gone and so have some of the cravings, but I still feel like shit and not being able to eat anything without worrying about it worsening the side effects is draining.

I vacillate between feeling guilty that I’m complaining when this is working for me (I’m so close to having lost 21 kg which would be my first 10% off) and feeling sorry for myself that I’m struggling and suffering so much. I remember back when I initially did the Cambridge diet (VLCD) that we used to call it STF syndrome (*scared to fart) because things were just so messed up and I’m back there now. I also know that it’s not as simple as not taking my next shot – this stuff stays in your system for at least a fortnight after taking the shot, so it could be yet another 2 weeks of suffering even after stopping.

At this point in time, I don’t plan on stopping. I have to be honest with myself an admit that there is absolutely no chance I would have lost the weight I have without the Trulicity/Ozempic. I haven’t been in the 180s in over five years and as long as the weight keeps coming off, I’ll keep taking the shots.

But man, what I wouldn’t give for a break where I didn’t feel like crap and felt too scared to go too far from the bathroom.

The Tattoos That Weren't & Side Effects

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 191 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Yesterday I was meant to go for my birthday tattoos – the ones I was meant to get on my birthday but had to postpone because I went down with a bug. I thought the bug was done with me, but apparently not.

I was up, dressed, eyebrows in place and they looked pretty good, and feeling fine in a new dress Just before we decided to order the uber, I thought I should go to the bathroom. Bearing in mind the night before I had had soup and bread rolls for dinner, as well as about four Ferrero Roche, I thought things were fine.

This wasn’t the worst bathroom incident I’ve had since being on Trulicity/Ozempic but it did take me completely by surprise. Basically, everything I ate the night before was coming out the bottom end and then I threw up the toast I had for breakfast at the same time. By the time I was able to stagger out of the bathroom, Stripes had already cancelled my tattoo appointment (I sent £30 to apologise for the late notice/waste of time because I value my tattoo artist and didn’t want her to think I was taking the piss cancelling two weeks in a row). I felt grey, light-headed, empty stomached and generally as weak as a newborn kitten.

I spent the rest of the day tucked up in bed, and managed to keep down/in soup and bread rolls and that was pretty much it for the day. I tried to drink more water but had/have to be careful as sometimes cold water hits my empty stomach and makes me want to throw up.

I am now scared to plan anything because I cannot imagine what would have happened if we had already been at the tattoo shop when this happened. I’m not fast enough on my crutches to get to a strange bathroom and I certainly don’t want to have an accident/puke in public. I found myself musing before I got to sleep whether or not this meant that I couldn’t go out until I had lost a LOT more weight.

This also made me think that all of the people saying taking semaglutide is the easy way out have no clue what they are talking about. I felt like I was being wrung out using my stomach, with everything coming out of both ends and it was a horrible, horrible feeling. I’m half tempted to read through everything I’ve written since November to see just how much these side effects are taking over my life but what good would it do? I’m still not going to come off of them – losing weight is worth the discomfort and sickness. I just need to lower my expectations of what I’m capable of doing,

And book any new tattoos for the day after my injection when I have pretty much zero inclination to eat and should therefore not have these results/side effects.

Saturday morning and I’m too scared to eat toast and have a generally rumbly feeling in my stomach that precedes an incident. I guess whether it’s a lurgy or just the Ozempic, it’s not finished with me yet.

The Mind-F*ck that is Choices/Decisions

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 192.2 ⟫ 186.93

Ozempic ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, I appear to have entered the world of the mind-fuck. On Monday, I had my telephone appointment with Violet, my Endocrinology nurse. She was very pleased with my progress and said if there are any issues getting hold of Ozempic to get in touch with her as she will push for them to prescribe Zepbound which is the new semaglutide that has just been approved. I was riding high on that and my birthday weekend despite having a very upset stomach and feeling like death.

Today, Violet calls back to give me a heads up that the surgery team would be in touch with me soon with regard to potentially getting the gastric sleeve in May. MAY! I thought it was going to be December at the earliest because of the wait times so in my mind, I had another 10 months to see just how much weight I could get off and maybe not even need the surgery. Less than half an hour later, the phone goes and its the surgery administrator wanting to book me in for a face-to-face with the anaesthetist and practice nurse next Friday!

I was high on flippin’ Big Narstie because my knees were hurting and I was desperate for sleep, so I had to try and be ‘normal’ but inside I was freaking out. I couldn’t make the first appointment they offered me, so I am now booked in for late March with the anaesthetist and February 26th with the nurse.

I can honestly admit that I am freaking out. It was one thing to think I had ten months to make a difference and perhaps not have the surgery. May just feels so soon and my brain is running through scenarios like a pair of squirrels fighting in a sack.

* if I turn down the surgery and determine that I can do this on Ozempic or the like and then what happens if there are supply issues or I get too sick and can’t continue on it? Does that mean I have to start the whole process for weight loss surgery all over again?

* if I go for the surgery, what if that means I’m not giving the non-surgical route time to work? Surgery is irreversible – am I ready for that?

* there are so many people fighting for a place on the wait-list and I’m thinking of turning it down – am I insane? Stupid? Panicked?

Pretty much the best scenario that I can think of is if the anaesthetist says that I’m currently unsuitable and they give me longer to lose some weight – going into surgery at over 400 lbs is no joke and I want to give myself the best chance of survival. And then maybe I’ll be able to get it off with the Ozempic or whatever in the meantime?

I feel like such an idiot being so freaked out about this – I’ve been trying to get this whole WLS thing sorted for nearly four/five years and now it might be happening, I’m bottling it. I know it’s not that simple – when I first started this journey, Ozempic, Trulicity, etc weren’t exactly well known and I was stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark hole looking up and wanting to cry.

Stripes was so helpful – she listened to my stoned ramblings, made sense of them and then just made it okay. No, we don’t have the answers but we have time and we have a plan. And we just stick to that. So, I keep taking the injections, survive the side effects (seriously, the toilet issues have been unreal ) and lose the weight. If and when the anaesthetist tells us if I’m suitable, we move to the next step.

And we have Violet on our side. She has been instrumental in keeping me going – always so empathetic, helpful – if she says she’s going to chase someone, she does, and her honesty and willingness to go above and aboard has made so much difference to me.

Tomorrow is injection day and I think I’m going to stick to jabbing the back of my arm as I think there have been less side effects this week. The scales did go down to 191 kgs the other day but we’ll see where things lie tomorrow morning at ‘official’ weigh in, 2024 has been a trip so far!

Into February 2024 - Week 2 of Ozempic

SW ⟫ CW ⟫ GW

207.7 ⟫ 193.5 ⟫ 186.93

Drugs:⟫ Ozempic 0.5 mg

My poo is green. TMI I know, but it’s freaking green! According to Dr Google, it’s possibly a stomach bug or food is passing through my body too fast and as a result, bile doesn’t have time to break down properly.

Yuck.

Coming to the middle of week 2 on Ozempic and I have near constant nausea, headaches, either constipation or diarrhoea and feel exhausted. So I guess it’s working then!

I’ve seen the scales move downwards which is reassuring – I can’t shake this fear that somehow this is going to stop working for me and I’m going to find the scales start rocketing upwards, but so far, not the case.

I understand people saying that taking this affects how they think and feel. My brain is kinda full with stuff – normal, stressful home stuff, but also what happens if? Like, if this stops working? Or what happens if/when I get to a ‘normal’ weight? Do I have to be on this for the rest of my life? And if so, can I cope with all of these side effects? Then I feel ungrateful because there are so many people who want to try Ozempic who can’t afford it/get hold of it, and here I am whining about how it’s working.

This brain stuff is hard.

I’m relatively used to the digestive issues – I’ve suffered from IBS for years even if I didn’t realise it at the time – so bathroom stuff has been an issue for a looong time. But the nausea, exhaustion and general aching are new and I’m just scared that this is it forever.

It’s my birthday on Friday and part of me wants to celebrate as I usually do, with my choice of cake made by Stripes and a take out meal. I’m also going for a full day tattoo so will more than likely be exhausted from that too. But I’m not sure take-out is worth the fear of bathroom repercussions or nausea. This obviously isn’t my first time being on a diet over my birthday but it IS the first time that chemical intervention will affect the choices I make.

I’ve also been thinking of using up some of the Exante shakes that I have – just to get in vitamins and nutrients as during the day, I can’t honestly say that I’m eating well. I’m not eating a lot, but I’m not eating balanced meals either. Banana for breakfast, sandwiches for dinner with a rice pudding for dessert. That’s pretty much been my diet for the last couple of days – I had far too many sweets when Book was over for the weekend because we were gaming and I wasn’t paying attention, which is probably why my gastrointestinal issues are so bad.

I still haven’t taken the photographs I talked about. No excuses, but I’ve been so tired that I just didn’t have the energy to try to get some good photos. I really want to at least get some good images of my face so I can track any differences – I think I’ll make that my goal for this week.