Did YOU know that rhubarb ferments?!!!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.7 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Did you know that rhubarb ferments like grapes because I sure as hell didn’t! For some reason on Friday/Saturday, I decided I really wanted fruit crumble – get more fruit in to make up something resembling my five a day. I had some on Sunday and Monday – Sunday I felt my stomach twisting up like it had the week before when I had the d&v but we didn’t put it together until last night after I had my dessert. So that’s another fruit off the list and my numbers have shot up with water retention so it doesn’t look like July is gonna be my month for mega-losses.

The sulphur burps are driving me insane today as I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up and my sleep isn’t very good either because I’m too scared to use my CPAP mask whilst burping like this in case I throw up whilst wearing it. So, yeah, I’m feeling more than a little bit sorry for myself.

It’s a writing day so time to wrap up the month of July – not sure I’ve got a lot to say because I don’t feel like I’ve achieved very much this month. Looks like I’ve lost 2kg over the course of the month which is pretty pitiful. Okay, positive hat on. That’s 2kg less than I weighed last month and I still have tomorrow’s weigh in.

⟫ I’ve learned of two fruits that I can’t eat which means, all being well, I won’t suffer through this again;

⟫ I weigh less than I did last month, even if it’s just 2 kg;

⟫ Roughly half a kilo per week works out at an average loss of between 1-2 lbs which is what I should be aiming at for steady loss;

⟫ the tattoos on my thighs are sitting differently because of weight loss – that’s the only explanation I can make for it anyway;

⟫ I’m still doing this – it’s seven months into the year and I am still doing this. I can’t think of the last time I stuck to trying to lose weight for this length of time so I should be proud of myself. Not to mention that it hasn’t always been easy with side effects and real-life getting in the way;

⟫ I missed my diabetic follow up phone call with the doctor’s surgery but they haven’t called back so is it safe to assume that my numbers are doing okay?

⟫ I did more mantra work although I still need to have a go at the letters they suggest writing. But that means I’m still doing the head work.

That’s not a bad round up!

Four weeks on 1 mg

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 175.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Coming to the end of another week and I’m not quite sure how I feel. Obviously Sunday was absolutely awful but it certainly made the numbers on the scales go down. They also appear to be staying at the new low – or in the vicinity – so part of me feels like I should be pleased? The other part of me is standing back in horror thinking that if the best way to get the scales to go down is to be sick, actually throwing up, isn’t this just another form of eating disorder?

By no stretch of the imagination am I thinking about making myself sick on the regular. But I don’t really seem to have constipation or diarrhoea lately (please don’t take this as a taunt or jab – I don’t need either of them to return to remember just how awful they are); I’m not sure how much food restriction I’m feeling; hunger pangs are rare but I can definitely eat even if I’m not hungry. It kinda feels like what was working in the beginning isn’t working now.

I know I have a tendency to panic and I don’t want to do something stupid or drastic – we’ve had a pretty steady week food-wise. The biggest change was having take out today because I went for a couple of tattoos. I had my koi filled with colour (ouch), and also covered up a small tattoo on my forearm that I didn’t like. I’ll lob a picture of the forearm one below.

We had fish and chips. Normally, I either have kebab meat with salad in a pita, or occasionally a small fish and small chips. For some reason this evening – whether it was because it was the first time eating all day or because I was tired after the tattoos, I ordered a large fish and small chips. I barely finished a third of the fish (the cats ate well tonight) and left about a third of the chips. Admittedly, I had a McDonald’s McFlurry and a chocolate and raspberry pie (they’re celebrating their 55th Birthday or something), but apart from three boiled sweets during my tattoo session, I didn’t eat anything else today.

I guess we’ll see what the scales show. It has been a tough week – living together as three adults is not easy, and it requires real effort and thought to not fall back into ‘Mommy mode’ which messes up the dynamic. Knowing that Gidget isn’t going back to university this year means all three of us know that, for the moment, we’re stuck together and we need to figure this shit out.

I don’t even want to think what might happen if we don’t find a way to make this work.

It’s something like 6 am and I need to sleep. I guess I’m hoping writing this shit down will help me in some way – whether it’s just getting it out of my head or being able to return to it and see how I was feeling. I guess I can say this is four weeks on 1mg successfully completed, but I can’t help but wonder whether a shift to something like Zepbound or Rybelsus might help me? Or am I just looking for something external to do the work? Gah, I need sleep!

new scale victory/mini goal and NOT Ozempic Karmic Justice

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 175.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Well last night was a bit of a nightmare! I had my usual hot-dogs, followed by grapes and strawberries. Shortly after that, I began to experience tummy ache which I hoped a trip to the bathroom would alleviate. I pretty much figured there was nothing left but the sulphur burps started and they were so incredibly painful. Finally went to bed but got really scared about putting my CPAP mask on – the thought of vomiting in my sleep and asphyxiating made it hard to drop off. Probably a good thing because my stomach was twisting and I ended up throwing off the mask and throwing up in the bin.

And I kept throwing up. I managed to contain most of it but was feeling light-headed and scared. It was around 5 am that I called Stripes and asked her to come and help me. I threw up a few more times, then I changed my jimjams and cleaned up the mess by the side of the bed. Stripes took the bin-bag out of the flat because I was just ugh then after sipping some water, we decided I needed to try to sleep again. No CPAP mask and elevated by pillows and I dropped off.

Spent most of the day dozing when I wasn’t sipping slightly flat fizzy or going to the bathroom, but fortunately no more throwing up. In the end I managed to eat a roll, a fish pie and some biscuits because I was feeling nauseated from hunger.

I can only assume I threw up all of the food that I ate on Sunday, plus whatever was ‘backed’ up from the previous days but there was definitely nothing left in the tank. Stripes and I have theorised that grapes were the only new thing I introduced to my diet and what may have happened with the delayed digestion is that they stuck around fermenting until my body couldn’t take it any more. I am also a little concerned about onions as apparently they can cause sulphur burps but Stripes quite rightly told me we should eliminate things one at a time rather than throwing away everything I’d eaten on Sunday as non-compatible.

Silver lining? The scales dropped 2 kgs so not only have I broken into new numbers, I have lost over 72 lbs. Am I happy? Yes! Do I expect this to continue? Probably not – in fact, I need to be aware that as I return to normal eating the number may bob back up.

During my sad ramblings whilst I was throwing up at 5 am, I did wonder if it was partly my fault because I had spent so much time complaining that Ozempic wasn’t working for me the way it had before and the numbers weren’t moving, but Stripes said quite firmly that me going through the sweats and vomiting was not some Ozempic Karmicc Justice striking me so I have to take her word for it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

non scale victory, Mantra and yo-yo scales

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 177.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The scales continue to do their little yo-yo dance. I’ve seen 176 a few times but then towards the end of the week, 177 has been showing up more frequently. I thought it might be constipation but last night I had my ‘clearing out’ so I was really hoping that the scales would show a difference. Instead, I’m still in the 177s which is depressing. In fact, I’m the same weight as I was ten days ago.

Today I finally cracked open the latest Mantra worksheet that Stripes has lent to me. It’s about “Learning to Manage Extreme and Overwhelming Emotions” and every single one of those capitalisations is deserved. This was a bit of a nasty one, especially as we’re trying to negotiate the whole living together with the three of us and keeping things fair. Obviously with the whole JC situation, Gidget has let a few things slip but with them being banned from the club, things should settle down. Which means its’ time to address the stuff that hasn’t been being taken care of at home.

We almost instantly reverted to our normal: Gidget apologising and saying she would do better without being able to give anything concrete, whilst also appearing to not understand why it was an issue that she was letting Stripes carry the bulk of things. There was an outburst where she basically accused Stripes and I of holding a silent WhatsApp conversation slagging her off and how we hate her and think she’s lazy. It’s not things we haven’t heard before but it’s disappointing that we’re back to that, even though she knows that we’re not having secret conversations about her, don’t hate her, don’t wish she wasn’t here, etc.

Which brings me back to the Mantra stuff because it suggests writing letters from different perspectives so that you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes. But isn’t part of the problem that we keep putting ourselves in her shoes, often to our detriment because we try to be understanding and supportive. There’s only so much empathy you can have for someone before you have to set a boundary to protect yourself isn’t there? But how do you do that when you know someone you care about is struggling? I keep saying to Stripes that we need to make sure we’re not setting ourselves on fire in order to keep someone else warm, but it’s so difficult finding the right cut-off point. And often, we are not in the same place at the same time so, for example, me setting a boundary to protect myself might mean that Stripes is then in a position of more harm because she is having to handle the ‘slack’ left by my withdrawal and vice versa.

Eating-wise, this last week I have been struggling with eating even when I’m not hungry. I can’t figure out what I want to eat so am just having hot-dogs with onions each day, followed by Jaffa cakes, a bag of crisps, a couple of cherry bakewells and strawberries. That doesn’t sound so bad, but I also sometimes have chocolate buttons and it feels like I’m having a lot of chocolate, and I’m eating just because it’s in front of me. The issue is I hate continuously asking Stripes to interrupt her evening to get me things so its’ easier if I get it all at once, but then I end up eating it.

My sleep patterns are shit – last night I didn’t go to bed at all, and finally crashed around 11.30 am this morning. I set an alarm for 2 pm so that hopefully I’ll get tired at a normal time and actually get a night’s sleep. And I know that not sleeping doesn’t help with the weight loss aspect of things, so its’ all a bit circular. Even vaping isn’t helping with the sleeping although that might be the strain that I’m vaping at that time of night that I need to look into.

I have a telephone appointment scheduled with Violet for 19th August and I would really love to finally shift into new numbers before that appointment happens. Which is a mini goal of losing about 2 kgs in the next four weeks. That should be more than doable but I must admit, I feel doubtful that I can reach that target. Which means that the ever-present sword of weight loss surgery rears its’ head again. Violet is very good at chasing them up which means I might well hear back from them by the end of August and a decision needs to be made.

And I’m not ready to make the decision. I still want to see if I can do this using Ozempic or other semaglutides and avoid surgery altogether. But I need to be realistic. I don’t know if I need to titrate up again to a higher dose but just the idea makes me feel scared. Not necessarily about the weight loss but about the potential side effects.

I did have a NSV. I bought a new dressing gown in a size 28/30. Normally, I pick the biggest size a store does. In men’s dressing gowns I’ve been wearing an 8XL and its’ roomy (but also old and a little smelly) so I looked for a new one. I opted for the 28/30 as the 32/34 was out of stock. It fits but its’ not roomy and feels constrictive. I don’t know if the restriction is because its too small for me or I’m just not used to wearing things that fit. I also bought some ‘satin-like’ pyjamas and ended up changing out of them because I just couldn’t relax. They fit – I got them on, could sit down and everything, but I was just so aware of them and worried that I would rip them or something that I ended up changing into something cotton, stretchy and a size larger.

I might try to do some of the Mantra exercises – writing letters detailing an emotionally traumatic event and how me and the girls handled it from each of their perspectives. I just feel like that’s going to be incredible emotional in and of itself and am too fragile emotionally to do that today. My brain just won’t let me – I need a reset. Mantra talked about methods of self-soothing so I think I’m going to try to figure out what soothes me when I’m feeling overwhelmed (soothing in a healthy way, like reading, writing, playing games).

Heading into the last week and a half of July and feeling more than a little defeated. I really need to sharpen my focus on myself and what I want and need because otherwise why am I on this medication? It won’t work unless I work with it and I don’t feel that I have been able to do that over the last few weeks. I need to recommit to myself, maybe re-read some of my previous posts and get the fire back. Because at the moment I have the inclination, motivation and enthusiasm as a wet firework. And heading into the second half of the year, I want to be firing on as many cylinders as possible and giving myself the best chance of success.

punishing myself with cheesecake

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.7 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

I’m not doing so great. The entire situation with JC has made me feel so incredibly useless and I can’t seem to shake it. Everything crossed, they have moved on – they have blocked Gidget on all social media and hopefully that brings an end to the whole thing.

But I can’t seem to let go of the fact that I felt so utterly useless. Even if I had tried to ride to the rescue in an uber, what was I going to do? Pass out in front of them? It’s not like I could actually defend Gidget if it was necessary. And I feel like I have failed her – like I should have seen the red flags, cautioned her, done something other than invite them into my home and make them welcome.

Logically speaking, I know it doesn’t work like that. People who turn abusive don’t wear a badge saying that’s what they’re like. But it’s very much like when I fell over and realised that if I hadn’t lost the weight that I have, I don’t think we would have been able to pick me up off the floor. Once again, I am feeling the walls closing in on me whilst at the same time offering me the safety of the familiar. Familiar and yet still potentially dangerous – hence the falling over. Maybe that’s what it’s all about – that I don’t feel safe.

A fall could happen at any time; I have twisted ankles and knees simply getting off of the bed. I could very easily spiral down a deep, dark road thinking about how small my life is, how little that I do. It’s affecting my daily mood and making me feel so down and miserable. Which is where the food comes in.

I know that I have a tendency to eat my feelings but Ozempic is making that very difficult. I asked for cheesecake when the girls went out earlier, and they got a gorgeous lemon curd type cheesecake. And it was lovely – really fresh tasting and satisfying. But it didn’t do a damned thing to fill this ruddy great hole that I feel inside that is just so full of self-disgust, disappointment and sadness.

I’ve been up all night creating banners and icons for the various blogs simply because I didn’t want to face sleep because I am afraid of nightmares. Nightmares of what could have happened if JC hadn’t moved on; if the argument between JC and Gidget hadn’t happened and she fell further under their control/web; nightmares about all of the awful things that could happen whilst Gidget is out of the house, working or making her way home.

I know its’ illogical – I know I can’t wrap the girls in cotton wool or bubble wrap to keep them safe, but sometimes I really want to. I don’t know if this is a symptom of losing weight – I know that I used my fat to hide behind, to become invisible. And losing weight means that potentially I become seen by people, possibly in ways that I’m just not ready for. Some of this is because I did my hair on Sunday (I think it was Sunday) – shortish braids that curl around my head and make me look like a cross between medusa and a Justin Bieber comb-over. It doesn’t sound that attractive, but I sent Marmee a photo and she loved it – was so pleased that I was growing my hair. It takes me back a few years to when me and the girls were getting into make up and I would dye my hair funky colours like lilac and blue. I think I went out more then – Stripes and I would go to the shops, or the cinema. I wasn’t as house-bound then.

I sometimes felt so guilty for Stripes having to push my wheelchair around – I weighed nearly four times as much as she does and she would push me around shopping precincts, etc without a word of complaint. But I grew self-conscious of the stares we got; felt very aware of when people offered her assistance because it was obvious that it was a struggle to push me around. And I hated it – I hated how invisible I felt, how people talked over my head, how they looked to Stripes instead of me when asking questions. And yeah, looking back, that’s a large part of why I stopped going out. I hated the feeling that people were looking at me and judging just how fat I was and how awful it was that a slender young woman like Stripes was stuck pushing my wheelchair around. Conversely, as I say, I also felt invisible and I didn’t like how that felt either. It just confirmed all of those horrid inner thoughts that said I was a waste of oxygen and that I should just stay away from normal, active members of society like a disease or something.

Obviously, Ozempic and Trulicity have shown me that a large part of the problem I have had losing weight is because of something within my body chemistry. It’s shown me that it isn’t as simple as eat less and move more. But it’s so hard to let go of that thinking, regardless of how negative it is and the detrimental effect it has on my mental state.

The first thing that I need to do is get some sleep – that will have a positive effect on my mental state pretty much straight away. Then I need to dig in to the latest Mantra chapter that Stripes let me have. And I need to look forward to the things I have set up that should bring me some joy:

⟫ finishing off my koi tattoo at the end of the month;

⟫ getting my geometric fox tattoo at the end of August for Stripes’ birthday;

⟫ the whole day to myself because all three girls are meeting up in Camden for the day.

I’ve just signed up for some weekend challenges on 1 Million Words on Livejournal and the artist sign up for WIPBigBang are the 17th July. I have two writing projects on the go – one with Rowan, the Regency/Bridgerton spin off and the follow up to Bloody Bonds. And I have two ARCs to read that should be fun – I have already started one and its’ an author that I haven’t read before but I have enjoyed the bit I have read. It’s called The Accidental Necromancer by Liz Rancourt and I would like to have the review up by the weekend.

Maybe if I try to focus on the positives, I can stop punishing myself with food that’s going to cause me distress – like lemon curd cheesecake! God, I am such an idiot – such a self-sabotaging idiot. I wish I could turn my head off and just let things work for me! I just need to get out of my own way.

Just. Such a small word for something that too often feels impossible.

Ex being a creeper :(

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The saga with JC continues. Gidget was at work last night when she saw them in the smoking area. She went out to the back and called me and I talked her down. She’s bloody strong – I think I would have been much more of a wreck. It didn’t help that I was high so am not quite sure what I said but apparently it was enough to ground her. She went back to work and her friend, D, was on the door with her so she was okay. A little jumpy wondering where JC was, but okay.

Around 4.45 am after Stripes had gone to bed, I get a text from D asking me if Gidget had got home as D thought she had her keys. I said no, no sign of her and gave her a call. No response. Called a couple more times whilst texting with D with my brain working overtime. I contemplated calling the police, calling JC (as I have their number from when they contacted me when they were dating Gidget), but in the meantime I re-downloaded Life360 to see if I could work out where Gidget was.

Turns out she was with a couple of friends from work getting food from MacDonalds as they saw JC in the food place they normally went to and didn’t want to have to face them. I told her to get an Uber home and I would pay for it and tried to calm myself down. Once she was home, she was very upset – work was meant to be her safe space, and JC had tried turning her friends and co-workers against her, and this seemed like another attack or attempt to get a reaction from her. Unfortunately, JC hasn’t done anything concrete but Gidget feels unsafe and jumpy. D said they could always ask management to ban JC from the club, but that doesn’t stop them from being outside, or at eateries where Gidget frequents, and unfortunately they know all of her habits from the three months that they were dating.

I sent her to sleep because I knew she had a long shift today (final day of the Euros and a ten hour shift running, which puts her on the floor and potentially vulnerable. I reminded her (and Stripes) of the SING technique taught in Miss Congeniality from years ago (solar plexus, instep, nose, groin), told her to call a bouncer if she felt threatened in any way and then had to see her go off to work. I am worried – we have no idea if JC is going to keep up this creeper routine as previously they didn’t like going to the club. That, and there are so many other places they could choose to go.

Fortunately, Gidget has people who know what has happened and are willing to keep an eye on her, so there’s nothing else we can really do. I hate the fact that JC is managing to bleed into everything that’s important to her and feel so impotent.

Which leads me to eating. I have been existing on hot-dogs with masses of onions, cherry Bakewell tarts, chocolate buttons and Jaffa cakes and I really don’t know what to do about that. I mean, I’m eating and the scales are moving, but it’s hardly what you would call a good eating plan. I suppose I should just be grateful that the scales are still moving downwards whilst we work our way through this whole situation, but I am – I don’t know, angry and frustrated that once again something else is taking precedence in my brain. I am exhausted but sleep fitfully; even the weed isn’t working as well as it did. My fingers are so painful from the fall, bruises on my shins, etc, and an almost debilitating pain on top of my right foot, where my foot meets my ankle. It’s hard to describe – like an extreme cramp but it isn’t cramp? I don’t know – all I can say is that it hurts like fuck and I wish it would go away.

I did my jab on Friday so that’s two weeks on 1 mg done successfully, and I am due for my follow-up phone call from the GP with my diabetes health check results, so all I can do is keep on plodding along and just hope that I can at least maintain I guess? I have a couple of ARCs to read but I also have the last Mantra chapter from Stripes that I need to have a look at.

In the meantime, we’re watching Interview with the Vampire and making the most of the peace at home while we can. Sigh.

non scale victory and another fall

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.5 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The weigh in is from yesterday but I’m not risking getting onto the scales as I fell over again this evening. I don’t even know how – I was leaning over the side of the bed, foot planted firmly on the floor and the next thing I’m on the ground. Not gonna lie, I’m a little concerned. And how daft is it that my first thought was that I didn’t want to talk to the Doctor about it in case they wanted to take me off of Ozempic for some reason. I guess that’s me admitting that I couldn’t keep doing this without Ozempic, but is that a dangerous attitude to have? I mean, I still have about 100 kgs to lose so it’s not like I don’t have time to learn better habits, etc. But at the moment, without Ozempic I wouldn’t be losing the weight.

Anyhow, I have another Non Scale Victory, although I didn’t feel like it was a victory at the time. Because of how big I am, all of my clothes are literally just bought in the biggest size available. I changed into some shorts and they fit weird. Like, the elastic didn’t have to stretch for me to put them on, they feel really baggy, and they are kinda hanging onto the shelf of my butt to stay on. Initially I thought I was imagining things, but I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and they almost slid off of me, so I guess I can’t hide from myself that they are getting ‘big’ on me. I need to not think about it too much in case I freak myself out.

One of the most sobering things about falling over is how it has made me realise just how far I still have to go. I hate to think if I would have been able to get up off the floor if I hadn’t lost this weight – as it was, just getting onto my knees was excruciating, and I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with a heavyweight boxer. 70 lbs has made a huge difference – I know it has, even if I can only rarely see it. But just picturing falling over at my biggest makes me shiver in fear – we would have probably had to call an ambulance or something and that is a sobering thought.

Things seem to be going okay for Gidget at work (apart from some nail casualties and the joy of working in customer service), with the JC thing seeming to have calmed down. She has found out more about how people found out what was going on and it seems like JC went full on nuclear, deliberately screen-shotting the parts of their chat that made her look the guiltiest and then posting it on their stories and sending it to particular people. It just seems so needlessly mean and unnecessary. It made me feel angry all over again, but hopefully things will calm down now. All that remains is to get her stuff from them and it looks like she might have to chase that up. Argh, it all just seems like game-playing and messing with her.

Stripes has had a couple of appointments this week that are stressful, but hopefully after today, she can relax a bit. I know I freaked her out/scared her falling off the bed, and I hate the stress it puts on her. If it carries on, I will go to the doctor just to rule out anything awful.

And I still haven’t looked at the Mantra stuff. To be fair, I have been covered in tubigrips and arnica spray, so hardly in the right frame of mind to be doing the head stuff. I will get to it. I have an ARC that I need to read and review by next week, but apart from that I don’t have much of an excuse. I haven’t been to bed yet but my muse is kinda teasing me with a story so I might try to get that out and then hit the hay.

falling and not just the numbers on the scales

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 176.9 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

I fell over and I feel fucking awful. My knees, wrists, shoulders, fingers, thumb – all hurting like hell and making it very difficult to get comfortable. It happened on the way back from answering the door (who the hell rings someone’s doorbell constantly at 7 am on a Sunday morning?!) and coming through my bedroom door, I just lost my footing and hit the floor. My head hit the plastic cereal box, I put my right hand out to protect myself which I think is how I damaged my thumb, and my knees and shoulders took a huge impact.

I thought that I’d destroyed the bin on my way down (I’m attaching a photo of the dent I put in it even though I have no idea how I managed to do that). Stripes managed to punch the dent out and it looks almost 100% back to normal, but I guess that says something about how hard I fell.

I managed to call Stripes to come and help me get up (which made my knees hurt even more) and I vaped some MC to make it possible for me to go to sleep despite the pain. I don’t want to go up to A&E because my knees are giving me so much grief, walking is next to impossible and getting a taxi that is big enough for my wheelchair can be a real issue. So the plan is to keep on top of my pain relief for the rest of the day, vape some MC later and if things are still bad tomorrow, call the surgery and see if we can get a doctor to make a house call. I don’t know how likely that is because the surgery is typically quite reticent about the idea of home visits, but I can’t see me being able to climb in and out of a taxi twice in one day. My knees just feel like they won’t cope with it.

We had take-out tonight, complete with desserts, so we shall see what the scales are saying. Having had my second jab, I didn’t feel the same amount of pain doing the injection and I think I’m feeling the appetite suppression as I am back to one meal a day plus snacks: strawberries, 3 Jaffa cakes, some chocolate buttons and a yoghurt, then crisps for my ‘weed’ snack later in the evening.

I definitely need to start looking at the Mantra chapter that Stripes let me have. We’ve had such a stressful week – things with Gidget seem to be going as smoothly as possible, but I am kinda expecting a bit of a meltdown in the next week or so. It’s not exactly the norm that your first real partner accuses you of sexual assault and tries to get everyone you work with to hate you – I have no idea how I would have coped with that if it happened to me, and I am struggling with it happening to Gidget.

I’m also finding out certain things about her relationship with JC which are troubling: JC kept forgetting to get tested to show they were ‘clean’; they had unprotected sex at least once and Gidget had to take Plan B; there were more than one occasion when JC would do things and ask her how she felt about them afterwards – so many red flags that we weren’t aware of, that I couldn’t protect her from.

So before she gets involved with someone else, I need to make sure that she gets fully tested and is aware that even in the heat of the moment, she needs to be careful and take care of herself. That just because your partner wants to try something, doesn’t mean that you should; that just because your partner seems like a good person, doesn’t mean that they have your best interests at heart. I hate the thought of this changing Gidget. She’s always been very sex positive, sure in herself (generally) and approaching every relationship with what seems like good faith. This situation with JC has dented that slightly and that’s upsetting. I want her to be confident and strong, dignified and sure of who she is and what she deserves.

And in the middle of all of that, I really need to maintain the focus on myself and help Stripes maintain the focus on herself. So yeah, not much going on for a peaceful Sunday.

Jesus, if I read this shit I’d think it was made up or a soap opera, but it really is my life and all the shit that surrounds it.

Migraine and Nausea - welcome back side effects!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.5 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Well last night was less than pleasant. I wasn’t sure how I was feeling all day – I guess I was on high alert for the revenge of the peanuts – but I just felt off. By the end of the evening, I had a migraine brewing and my knees were aching something fierce. Food-wise, I had porridge then cheesy chips for dinner, with some fruit and a couple of cherry Bakewell tarts.

And the nausea was unrelenting. Or should I say is unrelenting because I’ve woken up today with a slight migraine hangover and the nausea is still present. I did vape last night – Equinposa 8/8 – and I was asleep just after 11 pm, which is pretty much unheard of for me. I woke up this morning around 6 am and having had my painkillers and drank a ton of water, I think I’m going back to sleep. I just don’t feel right.

Stripes left me a bottle of water and a banana by my bedside which I really appreciate, but I can’t face the banana – my mouth just tastes revolting even after I’ve brushed my teeth. I do vaguely remember this feeling from before, so I can only assume it’s a normal side effect of the Ozempic making itself felt once again. The scales are going down once again but until I see something below 177 kg then it doesn’t count as new loss, so I’m just going to keep tootling along.

I have an ARC to read but my basic plan for today is to do some Mantra work, clean a bit of the kitchen (if I’m physically up to it) and try to drink this migraine away. If that doesn’t work, then I shall close the curtains and seclude myself in the darkness of my cave and see if I can sleep it away!