the self-sabotage is strong in this one

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.9 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

The self sabotage is strong in this one.

Last night instead of going to sleep, I decided to listen to the inner voice that told me I could just grab a packet of crisps from the pantry. I even knew I was bullshitting myself because I didn’t take my phone with me, which was absolutely stupid because if I’d fallen or something no-one would have heard me or been able to help.

Once I was in the pantry, I grabbed: a packet of crisps, some mini biscuits and the half empty packet of nuts. Nuts and I have a chequered past. I love them – like obsessively – but they rip up my insides, and on their way out, tend to do a lot of damage. So this complete and utter idiot proceeds to eat all of the leftover nuts. Like, my mouth was feeling arid because of the salt, I was feeling sick whilst doing it, my teeth were hurting with little bits of nut getting stuck, yet I kept going until I’d eaten them all.

Why? I had a good day eating-wise. To be fair, even after all of those snacks I didn’t have a bad eating day. But what I chose to eat, when I chose to eat it and why are the ‘bad’ things. I don’t know if I was trying to precipitate a crisis, make myself sick, bring on the side effects, I just don’t know.

I’ve woken up on Sunday, the last day in June, knowing that I ended the month on a gain (about 0.3 kgs) – who the hell knows what I could have seen if it wasn’t for my middle of the night mini-binge. It literally feels like I needed to drag myself into July feeling crap about myself.

After unloading on Stripes (I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes), I asked for the last set of Mantra paperwork she had so that I can try to unravel why I did what I did. I’m going to update all of my writing numbers at 1 million words, then settle down and try to do a little bit of the Mantra work. I also want to get some reading done. I believe the Jaycey is coming back from work with Gidget later (she has a long shift at the club/pub where she works but should be home around 11 pm unless they stay for drinks. Stripes has stuff she wants to get done.

I did a good thing – Munch had a huge clump of matted fur around her neck and I managed to work through it so we didn’t have to cut it out. It has left a bit of a bald patch and we need to keep an eye on it, but I feel good that we caught it and were able to get rid of it for her without too much suffering/anguish. She didn’t exactly thank us for it – I have some micro scratches over my arms and hands – but we did get a tail floof of thanks before she ran away to hide from the evil humans that massacred her beautiful fur.

So, yeah, not the best start to the day and time for some self-reflection.

Up to 1mg I go

29/06/24

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.2 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Okay, so I got a little distracted and forgot to post what I wrote yesterday! I gave myself the jab last thing last night and for perhaps the first time, it hurt! I don’t know if it was because I had to have the needle in my arm for longer to administer the dose or what, but for the first time I could have told you exactly where I injected myself in my arm without looking – it stung and was painful and I am not a fan. I vaped my weed at bedtime and had my crisps and felt a little – off is the only way to describe it but I wasn’t sick so I pushed it out of my head.

Today – I can’t say this morning because I didn’t get to sleep until after 5 am and woke up around 2 pm – and I wasn’t hungry in the slightest. Now, this could just be because sometimes the weed muffles my ability to figure out what I’m feeling. I was snuggled up with Gidget when my stomach began grumbling loud enough for me to feel a little embarrassed, but bearing in mind the last thing I ate was crisps around 2 am, that’s a chunk of time without eating. Anyway, I’ve had porridge and it was a little difficult finishing it all. It’s sitting a little heavy as well and the honey has left a weird taste in my mouth. I wouldn’t say I feel sick exactly – just nauseous I guess?

Obviously, this time I’m going to be much more aware of the side effects than I was when I initially did Trulicity and Ozempic which is a good thing. Maybe then I can figure out how to make it work harder for me!

~ ~ ~ ~ + ~ ~ ~ ~

28/06/24

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.7 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

Today is my last day on 0.5 mg – tonight I take the first of the 1mg jab and I must admit, I am a little worried. The scales are slowly dropping again which of course has me wondering whether I should stick with 0.5. But thinking it through properly, titrating up is a good move and will hopefully kickstart things moving again.

Today, I’ve had porridge with granola and oat milk for breakfast, and am having cheese and onion pasties for dinner. I have Exante shakes to use if it turns out that I can’t eat initially on the 1 mg so I’m not too worried about that. I have no plans for the weekend so if I end up living in the bathroom, that will be okay too.

I guess it’s time for a round up. I started Ozempic on/around 1st February and since then I have lost 16.8 kgs, which brings my loss total up to 29 kgs since I started using semaglutides back at the beginning of December. Roughly 4 kgs per month, which is a decent rate of loss I guess. This last month, June, has been up and down with what looks like a net loss of absolutely zero. Okay, I have two days left in the month but still, I can’t see anything amazing happening in that time.

The next stage is here, along with all of the home stuff that is going on and I really want to make sure that I continue to prioritise myself in all of this – I really want to keep working with the Ozempic, accepting losing weight, and working on the head stuff. Let’s see how great I can make the second half of the year!

Oh yeah, I need to make sure that I allow for the weed munchies. I’m vaping in the evening to alleviate the pain in my knees, but it often means that around bedtime I find myself needing something crunchy. So maybe I should save a bag of crisps as a planned treat to deal with that. I also want to get back into a decent sleep pattern – blimey, July is gonna be a month to do some real work on myself!

diabetic physical check and nsv

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 180.6 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

This morning was my diabetes physical check up, so weight, foot check, bloods, blood pressure, wee sample. For some reason, I always get very stressed when it’s time for this check up. I’m not sure why as it’s not with a doctor but with one of the practice nurses who are always better at getting blood and seem a lot less judgemental. So being the prat that I am, when I couldn’t sleep last night, I decided to vape some MC. So come 7.45 am when Stripes comes through to wake me up, I’m not only still awake but also still vaguely high.

And paranoid.

We were seen very quickly – appointment was for 8.30 am so there was no one ahead of us, and the nurse was lovely. Not gonna lie, I was feeling seriously amped up and I think Stripes realised I was kinda tripping because she kept hold of my hand which definitely helped with the inner shakes.

Got on their scales expecting to see the 180.6 that I saw on my scales earlier, but the official weigh in was (drum roll please) 178.6. Yep, the scales at the surgery showed a whole 2kg less than the ones at home. So I’ve logged it on my spreadsheets as the weight my scales show but also made of note of what will be in my hospital/Dr notes. After seeing the scales, the rest of it went okay. Normal issues getting my blood pressure reading and she asked us if we would be able to send in a week’s worth of readings from home which we’ve done before so should be no problem. Taking bloods seemed to go well but then I decided to faint after having my feet checked so not quite unscathed.

Still, home by 9.30ish and decided to write this and then see if I can get some sleep. Stripes has a session later today and I want to try to be awake and available if she wants to talk/decompress or just have another human being with her.

NSV ⟫ the last few times that we’ve been out, I’ve been able to put my seatbelt on in the back of the Uber. As in, about half of the time, I can click it in myself and only have to ask Stripes to do the last awkward bit half the time. I can’t remember the last time I could do a seat belt up in the back of the car without an extender – it was probably many, many years ago. I can feel my brain beginning to slow down so I’m going to post this before I crash. Survived another trip to the doctor’s surgery – not sure I can class that as a NSV but nevertheless, feels like I’ve succeeded for today!

tattoo cover up and writing day

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.2 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

I got my first tattoo when I was 42 and was completely and utterly unaware of how it worked. I drew a rough version of what I wanted but what I didn’t realise was that the artist was going to tattoo exactly what I had drawn. It looked amateurish (because it was) and if it wasn’t for the sentimental significance of it, I would have bawled. Over the years, I have spoken to various tattoo artists about having a cover-up – I’m more confident now about what I do and don’t want, what to expect, etc – but most of them said that it was too dark and they wouldn’t be able to do anything.

A couple of years ago, we went to a tattoo studio called Inky Needles to get matching ghosts for me, Stripes and Gidget and met Alex. I showed Alex my tattoo because I fell in love with a koi drawing that she had. We stopped going to Inky Needles (distance, lack of comfort, etc) but continued to follow Alex on instagram. She moved to Painted Fern which was nearer and more accessible and we booked in for tattoos. I didn’t make it to that appointment due to IBS/leurgies but Alex remembered about the cover up and talked to Stripes about it.

So I booked in and paid for the full two sessions she thought it would take and yesterday I went in for the first session. I cannot believe what she managed to do in three hours. I know what’s under the koi but I still struggle to see it! We didn’t get to the colour – I had to tap out – but I am booked in for a fortnight to get the colour added. So, here’s a picture of my cover up which I am utterly in love with!

Stripes is off to the cinema later so it’s just me, the cats and writing/reading. Not sure what’s going on with the eating thing. I didn’t eat while we were at the tattoo studio because I never know if there’s going to be an immediate reaction to food, but once we got home, Stripes made me hot dogs with masses of onions, followed by cheesecake and strawberries. I also had a couple of slices of bread with butter and some crisps. It’s got to the stage where I can’t tell if that’s good or not in terms of eating. I have been feeling a lot of nausea lately – possibly from eating in one concentrated sitting instead of spreading it throughout the day – but the scales are inching downwards so I think I’m going to take this as a win.

Today is all about relaxing because from tomorrow, Gidget is back and everything changes! *gulp*

the winds of change are blowing....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.3 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

The winds of change are blowing! Stripes went to collect my Ozempic prescription only to hear the dreaded words: the pharmacy had none in stock. They suggested going back to the GP and requesting either the 0.25 or the 1 mg as they had stock of both. Nothing is ever that simple, so Stripes emailed the surgery making the request. They replied saying that we would need to speak to someone within their pharmacy team and should wait for a call. This was yesterday and admittedly, both of us were a tad sceptical as the surgery has been less than proactive on our behalf in the past.

However, this morning I did indeed receive a phone call. Harry* (fake name) asked how long I had been on Ozempic at 0.5 mg and I explained that I switched from Trulicity in January, all the while thinking surely this should all be in my notes. He asked what level of success I had experienced to date and was literally speechless when I told him that I had lost 30 kgs whilst on 0.5 on Trulicity and Ozempic. He thought I meant I had started in November/December 2022 and said wow when I explained that no, this was from November/December ‘23. He then explained that it was the lower doses that were currently an issue and asked if I would be happy to titrate up as this should have happened within four weeks of me starting. I said that was fine so he’s going to send through the script for collection and as of Friday I should be on 1 mg.

I also received notification of my diabetic annual physical for 25th June. So – bloods, weight, blood pressure, foot check – the lot, followed by a phone call once the results of the bloods have been received. I should be able to talk about any side effects I’ve been experiencing and they can officially note my weight.

On the one hand, I’m pleased because I did wonder when my Diabetic check was meant to take place. And moving up to 1 mg is something I have been thinking about a lot. It also works timing wise as I have my tattoo day tomorrow which means if I need to book a second day, I will be able to take into account any side effects I’m suffering from and know how to manage them.

But there is a part of me that is disgruntled that we need to do all of the chasing for this when surely the Dr should be monitoring what’s happening a little closer? As in, this shouldn’t be the first time that they become aware of how I have coped taking Ozempic and what loss (if any) I’ve managed. It feels like it confirms the loneliness I feel – that I am in this on my own with minimal support. We still haven’t heard anything about a surgery date and that feels a little like a sword of Damocles hanging over my head. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because I’ve been obsessing over Gidget, the end of the University year and her moving back from Halls. But it’s still there in the back of my mind.

The process of moving Gidget back home has begun. Stripes is under strict instructions to be a supervisor and not an active participant as she is still suffering with her shoulder after her fall last week. Today, Gidget wasn’t feeling well and I had visions of the whole week falling apart with a mad dash to get her moved out of Halls by Saturday morning. This week is a full one: tattoo appointment all day tomorrow; Gidget has a planned day with Jaycey and Stripes is going to the theatre on Thursday evening; Gidget is working both Friday and Saturday night, and Stripes has a doctor’s appointment on Friday. Doesn’t leave a lot of time to get her moved out gradually and clean up at leisure.

So, as someone who can’t physically get in there and force things to happen, I became project manager – booked a man with a van to be at Halls at 5 pm, whilst Gidget and Stripes packed up her entire room today. Gidget wants to leave some stuff there so that she can sleep over for the rest of the week – I think she needs the last few nights of ‘freedom’ which is understandable. We’ve made it clear that Stripes won’t be available to help clean up after today, and that she and Jaycey will be responsible for getting the last of the stuff out of there and the room cleaned to an acceptable standard on Friday. We all acknowledge that if Gidget is working Friday night, not getting home until around 5 am, there is sod all chance of her getting up on Saturday morning to go over to Halls and clean before the midday deadline.

So, we will once again be a household of three come Friday. All change.

Jesus, I really don’t think I’m ready for this. But, the change in Ozempic dosage might mean that I have something else to focus my energy on. I have no idea if I’m going to be suffering from the initial symptoms all over again or what it will do to my system, so I guess it’s time to buckle up for the ride!

Spreadsheets to the rescue....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179.5 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

The scales creeping up is causing me stress. No point pretending that I’m not seeing it and internally screaming. Has Ozempic stopped working for me, or have I stopped working with it? The granola train keeps on going – so much so that Stripes has had to take it out of my bedroom because I will munch on it dry if I’m not thinking. I hate that I lack that control. I hate that I need to have things hidden from me so that I don’t stuff them in my mouth. I hate that I’ve achieved so much and feel like now I’m throwing it all away.

Yesterday I ate granola with oat milk, grapes, strawberries, a yoghurt and three Jaffa cakes. Looking at it, maybe it’s not so bad. Better than things have been in a while. But still – hardly a diet to be happy about. Intuitive eating doesn’t seem to be my bag – not like I’m showing much in the way of intuition at the moment. I don’t know – we’ve literally just done a food shop and I feel so confused about everything and have zero idea of what I actually want to eat.

Maybe it’s just a post-Bridgerton slump. Or knowing that this week is going to be pretty intense: tattoo, Stripes going to the theatre, Gidget beginning to move back in. Maybe I just need to keep on trying to get decent amounts of sleep, drink lots of water, eat til satiety and trust the process. Or maybe I just need to get through this week and try harder next week.

Spreadsheets to the rescue once again. I calculated my weekly rate of loss – taking into account the times that the scales have gone up instead of down. I’m really surprised to see that my average rate of loss is just over 1.5 lbs per week, which is what is suggested is a good rate of loss. It doesn’t feel like a good rate of loss but I shouldn’t complain. It took this long to put the weight on – it’s going to take some time to get it off. I don’t want to get into projections or anything like that in case I ‘miss’ artificial deadlines, but maybe I can keep the fact that the scales are saying I’m doing okay in the front of my mind.

It's Too Soon to Catastrophise....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179.2 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

As you may have already realised, my brain is not a good place to be generally speaking. I can catastrophize even the best situation and a lot of the time, I can’t see the wood for the trees. Well now I have something new to catastrophize and berate myself about.

Yesterday, Stripes passed out whilst at Asda and spent a few hours up at A&E. The good part? A full check up which shows nothing to be concerned about, which should be reassuring. Should be reassuring because my head went to so many places whilst she was out. Brain damage, the intermittent fainting thing that I do, what would happen if --- who the hell knows what if my brain is grasping at; the fact that I couldn’t be up there with her, regardless of the fact that the A&E didn’t allow relatives/family to be there because of space issues; feeling helpless; feeling like it’s my fault that she’s not well/struggling because she prioritises me over herself. All of that lovely stuff.

Yesterday was not a good eating day. I had granola for breakfast – huge amounts of granola with oat milk. The plan for dinner was something small but obviously things went tits up. I had a packet of Jaffa cakes, crisps, followed by takeaway cheeseburger, fries and a ferrerro rocher cheesecake. Just seeing all of that written out makes me flush with shame. It doesn’t matter that I have excuses – being stressed shouldn’t mean that I simply abandon all of my attempts to get my weight loss journey back on track. I’m ashamed of myself for so many reasons that it’s nearly impossible to de-tangle.

I spoke to my Marmee this morning, just to vent and it helped. But then I feel bad because she’s getting up there in age and me adding the stress that is my problems to her is not good. I feel like I’m backed into a corner and the space is getting smaller and smaller.

In good news, Gidget got her assignments handed in. I know that they were past the deadline which caps it at 40% but that is still a pass. In the meantime, she has said she wants to think about whether university is the place for her. Biggest issue is that she doesn’t know what else she might want to do that, hence floating along with the course. Which I can completely understand but the stress of her getting her work in on time is kinda huge. We talked about her not being in Halls of residence next year to avoid the end of year rush – appropriate supervision/overseeing to make sure she has all of her appointments, medication, etc. But that only works whilst she’s prepared to work with us and I’m not sure she’s there just yet.

It’s the first time I’ve been in the kitchen in quite some time and I think the summer declutter should start in there. Just grab bin bags and start getting rid of shit. If it hasn’t been used in the past year, out it goes. Not cooking stuff, obviously, but everything else. We could grab the chair from the cat room and I could sit and help, maybe washing dishes etc, but use this as a chance for the three of us to work on something together. I was also looking into getting a professional company in to do a deep clean for us so that we’re starting from a good place for the summer, but I’m not even sure how to go about getting someone in for that. I need to talk to Stripes.

I’m feeling bloated, tired, grateful that Stripes is alright but with lingering terror – not the best way to go into the weekend! And it’s jab night – brilliant! Let’s just not mention that the scales have gone up again – I think one more thing and I might just implode.

i wish my brain would be quiet.....

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.5 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

I am slowly losing my sanity. Gidget has been radio silence since Sunday, so I have no idea whether or not they handed in all of their assignments on time. I’ve tried calling a few times but had no answer – I know they’re still alive as they were active on both Instagram and WhatsApp at different times – I guess they’re just avoiding me. I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve scheduled a family chat for Wednesday regarding the summer, if it’s because the assignments weren’t handed in and she doesn’t want to tell me, or because she’s all ‘peopled’ out after putting in the work.

It’s frustrating on many levels, not least because the last full conversation we had in person, both Stripes and I both made sure to let her know that what she does affects ALL of us, and that communication goes a long way to alleviating stress on both sides. But yet, once again, she’s chosen not to be in touch. The last time it happened, I was knackered as fuck after another sleepless night and she apologised, but then she went straight back to doing it again. I want to ignore the whole situation – put it to the back of my mind – but I am struggling so much.

Stripes offered to call – just in case Gidget would pick up a call from her – but I said no. One, because it’s not fair to put Stripes in the middle, and two because it fucking hurts when Gidget will answer a call from Stripes but not me. It feels so fucking targeted, like yeah, it’s not that I don’t want to talk, it’s that I don’t want to talk to you. At my age, shouldn’t I be past that kind of petty hurt? Shouldn’t I be able to shrug it off and just see it as a symptom of how Gidget and I clash in communication styles? I want to be able to do all of that – just put it away until the next time she’s due around here – which is tomorrow now – but, it’s like a rat nibbling constantly at the back of my brain.

This isn't about me - or it shouldn't be - but it affects me, Stripes and Gidget, and reverting to ignoring my calls makes me fear for the summer even more.

I guess there is also a part of me that feels like she couldn’t give two shits about how stressful this is for us. For me. I had a fucking panic attack only last week, but she can’t pick up the phone so I have one last thing to worry about? I don’t want to go on a rant, but maybe that’s the best thing to do – let it all out here so that tomorrow can be as calm as possible.

I’ve had a couple of responses to my post on for your health over on dreamwidth and one of the members is considering making the change from Ozempic to Trulicity, so it’s no longer crickets when I look for people going through the same thing as me. Sometimes I feel like the appetite suppression is still strong but I just don’t notice it. Stripes had a counselling session today and I didn’t eat until she came back, so around 3pm? And I only really started getting hungry towards 3ish. That might also have something to do with the other half of the THC cookie I had last night. Same sky high effects and a chunk of sleep, so physically I am feeling better.

Okay, gratitude, silver lining, whatever. I’ve booked in with Alex for the beginning of the my cover-up on the 19th June. So not only do I have something to look forward to, but it’s in the middle of the Ozempic cycle so the toilet issues shouldn’t be as bad and I should be able to attend. There – positivity!

Trulicity Vs Ozempic

As part of my post for For Your Health community over on Dreamwidth, I updated all of the my weight loss figures going back to September. I also did a couple of charts that showed the weight loss I have experienced on both Trulicity and Ozempic. I’m in a weird head space so I’m not going to try to do a numbers comparison at the moment – the scales creeping upwards have me feeling some type of way and I don’t think it would be helpful – but I decided it made sense to post them here for when I am in a better frame of mind.

So, here is the loss on Trulicity which is basically the end of September to the end of December, which is roughly twelve weeks.

Weight Loss on Trulicity

The following chart is my weight loss whilst taking Ozempic, so basically January through to now.

Weight Loss on Ozempic

It’s probably not a fair comparison because I have been on Ozempic longer and have had more ups and downs emotionally than during the Trulicity period. But maybe it will help as I go through June, trying not to panic and worrying about whether I should be titrating up or not.

THC based cookie and a good night's sleep

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 179 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

To be fair, I might not even post this one – mainly because I am under the influence of half of one of Stripes’ THC cookies. I have been struggling a lot with new pain in my knees. Previously, they have only been this bad during the winter – the cold makes them hurt like a motherf*cker and has sometimes made me cry with how bad it is. However, this past week or so I have been really feeling it. I haven’t been using the medicinal cannabis because I wasn’t in that much pain, and because it’s bloody expensive to buy. I had other things I needed to spend the money on, so if I didn’t need it, I wasn’t going to keep buying it. I have a decent stockpile and Stripes has cookie dough in the freezer that is THC-based.

Last night, I asked/she offered one of the cookies and I decided to give it a bash because this is going to be a stressful week and I need to get some sleep. Because I haven’t had any in such a long time, I decided to just eat half of one to see if there were any effects. Bear in mind that I was vaping THC for nearly nine months, practically every day so I wasn’t sure what effect the cookie would have on me. Within about forty minutes, I was feeling a bit giggly and tired, so I put on my CPAP mask and tried to go to sleep.

About two/three hours later, I woke up and was feeling on the ceiling. But there was absolutely zero pain in my knees. I barely remember what I did upon waking up, but Stripes was going to bed so I thought I might as well go back to sleep. As I said, I have been struggling with my sleep pattern lately and wanted to see if I could grab another couple of hours. 7.30 this morning (about five hours later), I’ve woken up to use the bathroom, am still feeling floaty as all heck but a lot better rested. And I’m going back to sleep! Well, I will be – once I’ve checked all of my social media and let my painkillers settle down. One of the worst things about using Ozempic is that I feel full all of the time, which means when I take my drugs they spend what feels like at least half an hour just sitting there. Makes it uncomfortable to lie down immediately after taking them – there just feels like there’s no room for them. A benefit when it comes to food, not so much when it comes to the drugs that keep me upright on daily basis!

Also, I’m deliberately trying to ignore the numbers that popped up on the scale this morning – bah humbug!

friday night and survived the week!

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.5 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

Spent some time writing out my post for the discussion on Ozempic at the For Your Health Dreamwidth community. As part of doing that, I transferred all of the weights from all the way back in September into my spreadsheet so that I have a better picture of the ups and downs I’ve had since the beginning of this. It’s interesting to see but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am bricking it about the discussion. Partly will anyone be interested? And partly just putting all of that information out there. That sounds daft bearing in mind all of the stuff I write here, but this is more of an open forum and involves other people that I interact with. So, yeah there’s that.

Had a quick conversation with Gidget and she says that she has a small amount left before she can hand in all of her assignments. I desperately want to believe her – so, so much. But obviously last year I believed her wholeheartedly when she said that she had handed in all of her assignments only to find out that she hadn’t handed in any of them. I suggested that when she’s handed them in, she take a screenshot as proof so that if there are any issues about the hand in date, she can prove when she did it. Hopefully, she’ll follow through but I imagine until Sunday, I will remain on tenterhooks.

I didn’t sleep great last night – weirdly thinking I was awake then realising I was asleep, that kind of thing. Not the most relaxing or refreshing. All that being said, it’s just about 6.30 so I’m going to shut the laptop down and maybe get some reading done. Food-wise, I don’t know what I’m having – maybe sandwiches? We had pizza yesterday – the cutest square pizza thing from Pizza cottage as well as chocolate donuts! Yeah, it would probably be a good idea to have something basic like sandwiches – give my stomach a chance to survive tomorrow as tonight is jab-night!

First Week of June

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.3 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

This week continues to grind me down. I had what I thought was a ‘breakthrough’ in the BM department, but since then my stomach has been grumbling and rumbling threateningly and I have been suffering with cramps. Like I need to go but I can’t, or there’s nothing there.

I’m not stupid – I know that what I am going through is more mental than physical – I am stressed to the eyeballs with the whole Gidget situation, not helped by the fact that she is doing what she normally does in situations like this: shoving her head firmly into the sand and going low contact. As in, no texts of WhatsApp unless prompted, and even then sporadic, and absolutely no mention of the impending deadlines.

Today I was meant to be getting a couple of new tattoos at a studio I have been wanting to visit for quite some time. Unfortunately, all of last night, I was up and down to the bathroom, with no real results apart from what felt like my stomach literally twisting itself into knots and a lack of sleep that had me almost hallucinating. Which meant that I knew there was no chance in hell that I would cope with going to a new studio, or sit still for tattoos. Gidget hadn’t let us know whether or not they would be attending their appointment which added to the whole stress, and in the end I guess my brain/body just said nope.

Stripes went to get her tattoo which is an absolutely gorgeously cute lil frog, and Gidget turned up with their partner, JC (which was a surprise because a) Stripes hasn’t met them before and b) we weren’t expecting them to be there!) She got her raccoon which looks beautiful on her upper arm. However, no real discussion was held about the uni assignments situation (no shocker there though). I heard all about it when Stripes got home and I finally woke up. I don’t recall seeing or speaking to Stripes at all during the course of the day, but apparently I saw them a couple of times and communicated with them!

The time is rapidly approaching when having a choice about having the conversation will be gone – the deadline is Saturday/Sunday and if the assignments are not handed in, then Gidget won’t pass the year. Which opens the great yawning maw of fear of what the heck happens next! Which I can’t do anything about now and so I need to put it aside. I need to concentrate fully on losing the weight while I have the ability to do so; I need to figure out my boundaries and how I communicate them; I have to figure out what having the three of us living here together looks like for me and how we can all make that happen. A new family manifesto as Stripes puts it.

I haven’t managed to write anything for my writing day which is a damned shame, but I am feeling a little more human even if my stomach/butt are still grumbling away. Who knows, maybe dinner will help my body decide to empty itself out so that I can be ready for my jab again tomorrow! It would be nice to have lost something this week, but I guess I should be happy with a maintain.

Panic Attacks and Summer Worries

Today I had a panic attack. Well, this evening. Gidget has the deadline for her university work coming up on Saturday and has what seems like a lot of work left to do. Last year, we went through something similar but we thought things were okay. Turns out, she didn’t hand in any of her assignments and had to redo the year. Of course, since then, she has had a diagnosis of ADHD (which we have been fighting for for years) and was also put on medication. However, apart from getting an extension on her assignments, it doesn’t change the fact that she still has to put in the work.

Over the last few weeks, we have tried discussing it with her, but unfortunately all of these conversations went the same way as they always used to in the past – she shuts down, refuses to discuss things, makes vague promises and basically checks out. In the past, this has led to huge arguments, especially as she essentially shuts down any conversation that isn’t about a pleasant topic, not something that is sustainable. And the stress of these arguments, the consequences of her actions have hit all three of us extremely hard. It is no exaggeration to say that just over three years ago, we asked her father if he would be prepared to have her live with him because things here were just so awful.

And we’re right back there again. Things between Gidget and I have been better since she has been living in Halls – the separation has enabled her to live the way that she wants to, without me on her back about keeping her room tidy, etc. Getting a part time job also helped. But it doesn’t – and hasn’t – addressed the fact that I simply cannot discuss anything serious or potentially contentious with her without it turning into a huge screaming match, with Stripes trying to mediate in the middle. No matter what I say, or how I say it, Gidget hears me having a go at her, blaming her for things, or simply not hearing the difficulties that she experiences. I on the other hand feel that although I can sympathise with a lot of the difficulties that she experiences, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she still has to handle her shit – take the meds, talk to the tutors, do the work. Which she has once again failed to do.

Added to which, the stress of worrying about what happens if she fails again affects my ability to sleep. I know that is a ME issue, but it’s there. Whenever we talk about serious things, she becomes rude, obstructive and sometimes abusive, and when she’s pulled up on it, claims that she can’t stop herself. But my thing is, she stops herself with everyone else: at uni, at work, in the street – if she loses her temper or gets wound up, she doesn’t lash out at people the way that she does at me and Stripes. Which makes me think/feel that this isn’t a ‘blind rage’ situation – this is one of those times when (on some occasions literally) the only damage done is to me and Stripes. Nothing of Gidget’s ever gets damaged. She controls herself everywhere else but here and it has a detrimental effect on everyone.

Whatever. That isn’t something that’s going to be solved by writing here.

After the discussion, where I finally said that I wasn’t prepared to sit and talk in circles any longer as it had been going on for over two hours by this point, she left the room to go and get her stuff together to go back to Halls. Stripes and I were kinda just sitting in silence, vaguely talking about watching a movie. That is the last coherent thing I remember before everything just went wrong.

I couldn’t breathe, felt like there was a belt wrapped around my chest that was getting tighter and tighter, that I was shaking and couldn’t hold myself together. I was scared that I was having another heart attack and pretty much convinced that I was going to die. Stripes did her best to keep me calm and gave me the spray that I was prescribed when I had my heart attack last year (year before that?), checked my oxygen levels and took my blood pressure. By the time I had calmed down, Gidget had got her stuff together and left to go back to Halls. Stripes said she did ask if I was alright but I didn’t hear her ask that; she didn’t share her uber journey back to Halls and Stripes had to contact her to ensure that she made it home safely.

I’m terrified for what the summer brings. Gidget isn’t making enough money to move out – she works two nights a week and uses that money as ‘spending cash’. She still relies on monthly money from her father. I’ve talked to her about grabbing any extra shifts that are available but she keeps forgetting. She has very strong boundaries, some of which even she admits are unfair to me and Stripes. But that doesn’t mean that she’ll budge from them – she just acknowledges that they are unfair. She completely refuses to see that she is not suffering from blind rage – she feels that I push her buttons and wind her up, that I attack her verbally and she is just defending herself, that I don’t appreciate the struggles that she has.

And she might be right. I acknowledge that sometimes I fight dirty and can be immature in my responses. Sometimes I feel so angry with her attitude and how she behaves, her lack of regard or empathy, that I snap and say mean things too. But I really feel that I try to see her point of view. I try to offer assistance, encouragement, ideas she can try. But I am constantly rebuffed and rejected – if I step out of the box of ‘fun’ mother who plays video games with her, checks in on her and her friends, listens to her gossip and offers ‘vague’ advice, I get body-slammed because everything I say or do is wrong.

I cannot imagine another summer handling things like that. I can only imagine what it will do to Stripes, who has made such progress with her ED and counselling. I don’t want to watch one of my daughters fade away because one of my other daughter’s is too selfish to think about other people.

And then on to my selfish thoughts. The entire weekend when Gidget was looking after me, I made food choices that weren’t based on wanting to eat well, but on what was easiest. I made choices that at best could be described as emotional eating. I went extremely long hours without eating because I didn’t want to wake Gidget up. I don’t want this to be another time when my eating plan, my focus on myself and my success at losing weight gets lost under the weight of the three of us trying to live together.

I’m scared that this summer will be the final nail in the coffin of Ozempic and what it has been able to do for me. I know that I’m an emotional eater, and being around Gidget is one of the most high octane and emotional states that I can be in. How do we survive this intact? And what the hell do we do if Gidget once again fails university? She won’t be able to re-take the year again, and the only job she’s had has been the door work/running she does two nights a week. The thought of her being stuck indoors – the three of us stuck together with no escape for any of us just makes me feel so fucking depressed. I don’t even want to consider how dark my thoughts are at the moment. It’s 4 am and I’m writing this in the hope that by getting it out of my head, I will be able to sleep. The panic attack has left me with my nerves jangling, exhausted in body but my mind is racing. I even looked up the difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks – like it makes any difference in the scheme of things.

I don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I don’t want Stripes to lose the progress she has made.. I don’t want Gidget to lose the progress she has made. I want us to be able to live together, safely, healthily. But I just don’t know what that looks like. God, this is such a long-ass rambling post that probably won’t make a blind bit of difference. But I guess I just needed to get the words out so that when I calm down, I can re-read them and see what I can change.

I can’t change what other people do – I can only change how I react to them. I need to remember that, internalise that, and think about the boundaries that I want and need to set for myself.

Mother Knows Best #1

Weekly phone call with my Marmee and she talked so much sense that it was kinda terrifying. I told her about considering making a doctor’s appointment and titrating up a level. She said that I should give it a solid month of doing things ‘right’ and then comparing my results for the month before I try to move up a level.

She reminded me that it took a long time to put this weight on so it’s going to take a long time to lose it. That I need to stop comparing myself to other people, stop denigrating my progress and accept the weight loss that I have. She said the time to worry is when I start putting the weight on consistently, which I have to be honest isn’t happening at the moment.

So there goes me going to try to get to the doctor’s – June is going to be a consolidation month! Sometimes Mother really does know best!

I sent her a photograph from when I attended my diabetic eye screening appointment and she loved it. She said she could definitely see the difference from when she saw me in May for Mother's Day. I absolute hate that photo - all I can see is the lump on the side of my stomach, how huge I look in the cardigan, etc. But I guess that's another reason why I don't want to see the monthly photos that Stripes because I just don't see it. I really can't. I wonder if everyone who loses a lot of weight suffers from body dysmorphia like this? I have just read a thread on Reddit where people are discussing this very thing.

May 2024 Round Up

02/06/24 SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 178.3 | MGW ⟫ 168.2

Ozempic: ⟫ 0.5 mg

Well, it feels like May was a bit of a roller-coaster. I find myself wondering once again whether it’s time to make a doctor’s appointment and ask to titrate up to the next level. I don’t feel the appetite suppression anywhere near as strongly as I had been previously and my concern is that the scales will continue to creep up if I don’t act proactively. The fear of the side effects of moving up does give me pause – that and how difficult it can be to get a doctor’s appointment.

This weekend was perhaps not the best test of how things are. Stripes went away with her father’s family so Gidget came home to look after me, make sure I was regularly fed and watered. I also got to meet their new partner, and we spent the day playing exploding kittens, cards against humanity and little big planet. I ate – not incredibly badly all things considered, but there was definitely an aspect of nervous eating. Also, Gidget is not used to cooking for me so we both were feeling our way through things.

I had cheesecake, McDonald’s fries, my current obsession which is scampi, but I didn’t really have any sweets and only a couple of packets of crisps. Last night I paid for the dairy and an expulsion of everything that had been hanging around and it was less than pleasant. I have also gone down with the Gidget flu (i.e. they brought all of their germs with them when they came to stay), so I’ve been sneezing, coughing and basically blowing my nose constantly since Friday.

My monthly weight loss for May was minus 2.2 kgs according to my tracker, which although not bad isn’t exactly stellar. I am also up from my lowest low which saw me reach 30 kgs off.

I have a tattoo appointment at the end of this week, but I think I will try to get in to see the doctor. I hate how ad-hoc this all is – there is no guidance, no supervision, just – here, take these jabs and off you go. So checking in can only be a good thing. I don’t think that I’m due new bloods for a little while so it’s hard to tell what effect Ozempic is having on my A1C but I hope it’s positive when it does happen.

Stripes is back later tonight and I will try to do a food shop to make sure there are the decent choices I had been making. I can’t remember if I mentioned the leak through the roof from the other night. Not our upstairs neighbours but the ones above them had a leak from their washing machine which made its’ way down to our flat. We had to take the curtains down in my room, put towels onto the cat tree and top of the sofa, as well as the cat tree in the cat-room. I need to take photos so that I can put a claim in for compensation. I’m just really glad that we hadn’t ordered/received the new sofa because I would have been pissed.

So as a round up, my head is still a messed up place, the scales are moving down slowly and I think I have finally made the decision that it is time to move up to the next level of Ozempic. I am still hopeful that I can keep doing this but slightly apprehensive about titrating up. I guess it depends on how long it takes to get a doctor’s appointment now.