End of October and Pre-op Diet day 1

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 170.2 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg | Pre-op Diet:⟫ Day 1

So October is showing an overall loss of 2.6 kg which is pretty good. And today is day one of my pre-op diet. So far, I’ve had two shakes – sitting okay and not making me puke, although the burping has been a little out of control. I’ve had a lemon cheesecake and a coconut shake so far, and need to get another two in before midnight. We’re working on having one every four hours and we can adjust it depending on what time I get up, etc.

I went to the Dr’s surgery and met with three new medical students who were studying diabetes and actually had fun. They were really nice, a little shy, and I don’t think they were expecting some of the things I was saying, but overall it went well. Didn’t get my COVID jab as the surgery doesn’t do them any more, but I did get the flu jab so it was worth it.

I am a little disappointed in my last meal choices because I ended up having crackers and cheese, a chocolate crepe, some cashew nuts and gingerbread oreos – hardly a feast. I guess I made up for all of that with the fast food I’ve had recently so I can’t gripe too much! I haven’t done a great job when it comes to my water intake, although I have drunk just under a litre of Rio. And the smell of the girls’ dinner did make me feel just a little sorry for myself! But day one of pre-op diet is three quarters of the way through and we have survived!

Food Funerals and Lessons to be Learned

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ ?? |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Ever heard the expression grasping defeat from the jaws of victory? It actually goes grabbing success from the jaws of defeat or something like that, but the other way is more appropriate for me. I was reading on Reddit about people going for surgery, and someone asked the question about food funerals – a farewell to food before beginning the pre-op diet, having your favourites one last time.

I thought I’d learned my lesson about ‘last chance’ meals over the years. It pretty much always leads to binging behaviour, where I feel the need to have everything that I love to eat because I’m never going to have it again. Invariably, I put on a few kilos with these food funerals. And I’ve basically spent the last week doing exactly the same thing. McDonald’s, popcorn, shortbread, cheese and crackers – so much stuff that I simply haven’t been fussed about for ages suddenly became all that I could think of.

I even went to great lengths to practically guarantee myself an upset stomach by having a McDonald’s milkshake plus a McFluffy plus a McRib - I’m wincing just writing that down. Not because these foods are bad per se, but because for so long (most of this year in fact) I’ve incorporated ‘treats’ without making a big deal of them. Some of them have led to stomach upset, some of them have lost their ‘taste’ to me. But the self-sabotage button is being smashed with a vengeance and suddenly I have what seems to be zero self-control, eating beyond comfort level, eating without conscious thought – just reverting to all of the bad behaviour from before ozempic and trulicity.

Why? I don’t know – because I’m repressing my fears about the surgery? Because I want to pretend to be ‘normal’ for just a bit longer before I have to live on shakes for four weeks? The scales are still moving downwards – I have seen the 160s several times over the last week. I know once I do the pre-op diet that I should manage to lose the 8.5 kgs that they have asked of me. My head is just such a messed up place and sometimes I worry that even if I survive the surgery, I’ll still manage to fuck myself over.

The girls have been really good about not offering me things since I asked them not to around Easter time, but they also accept that I make the decisions about what I eat, bear the consequences and as such they don’t ‘police’ my food. I feel like shit because that means I’m putting both of them into the position of watching me sabotage myself, like I’m not worth the effort to keep up the good work that I’ve done to lose nearly 85 lbs in just under a year. I want to say that I’ll do better, that I won’t put them in this position again, and to a certain extent I won’t have the opportunity to – I begin the pre-op diet of shakes on Thursday morning so there should be no more asking for take-out or sweets. But what about after the surgery?

We have a booklet provided by the Bariatric service that lists what you can and can’t eat, and refer to it as the bible because we keep checking things when questions arise. Based on what I’ve read, I do the four week pre-op diet, then again liquids for two to three weeks afterwards. Then I move to pureed and soft foods for a few weeks before slowly reintroducing solid food after that. That doesn’t leave a lot of wriggle room for me to panic about the future I’m facing.

It’s scary to think that I could lose 15 kgs in a couple of months when it’s taken me nearly a year to lose three times that amount, but judging by the posts I’ve read on Reddit, that may well happen. Mentally, that’s a lot. I know I’m a hermit, but I do go out occasionally and once I’ve started losing the weight I know I have to go to appointments for vitamin injections, weigh-ins, etc. So I’m going to have to go out in public more often when I’m probably feeling more vulnerable than I have in a very long time.

I want to look forward to this stuff with enthusiasm and anticipation, but instead they just create feelings of anxiety inside me that I am struggling with. I don’t want to mess this up – I want to lose this weight and see what my life looks like when I can get in and out of cars easily; use a scooter without nasty looks from people because they think the only reason I use it is because I’m too fat to walk; to wear clothes that are pretty and not just because they fit; to not be afraid of going to doctor because I’m anticipating them making everything about my weight.

The other thing on my mind is the girls. I know this is all heavy stuff and it’s weighing on them too, but they don’t seem to be talking about it. I’m worried that I’m just being egotistical and expecting them to be talking about me and what might happen, etc but I don’t think it’s that – I think I’m just really concerned that they’re bottling things up because they don’t want to worry me or each other. It just feels so wrong – like I’ve made an appointment that could literally kill me and we’re all just acting completely and utterly normal about it. Going about our days, writing, shopping, visiting family, working with this timebomb in the backs of our minds.

It’s nearly 8 am and I think really need to see if I can get some sleep. Thursday the pre-op diet starts whether I feel ready for it or not and I want to face it on a good night’s sleep. All I can do is what the ‘bible’ tells me to do – four shakes per day plus 2 litres of water. That’s it – no other thought required – what could be simpler than that? Excuse me while I die of hysterical laughter!

NSV and Pre-op Diet Thoughts

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 169.9 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

I think this counts as a NSV so I’m claiming it! Had a phone call from one of the doctors at my surgery asking if I would be willing to come in and speak to medical students who are learning about diabetes care. The reason they are asking me is because my numbers have improved so much since last year – a drop from 56 to 43 I believe – which means that I am no longer diabetic! She said she understood that a large part of the success was using Ozempic but she wanted me to talk about how I worked with the medication, what changes I made, that kind of thing.

And obviously the diabetes is just in remission and I need to be careful and keep an eye on things, but that is pretty damned huge!

I was so pleased to be asked (with the added bonus that I can get my COVID and Flu jabs out of the way) that I said yes. The doctor said they wanted the students to have to figure out the correct questions to ask to gather information so not to be too garrulous! I almost laughed because once I’m in front of medical personnel, talking is the last thing I want to do.

And of course it was only after I agreed to do it and spoke to Stripes about it that I remembered why I don’t do things like this: I don’t like people and I really don’t like talking about my various maladies! Ah well, I can always change my mind but it was really lovely to be asked, especially with the reason given.

Spent a chunk of time yesterday and today helping my sister mock-up a blog for her health and wellbeing coaching that she wants to set up and it has been a lot of fun. I think it’s funny when I do things like this for family because they are always so surprised at the things that I am capable of doing. It’s not that they don’t think that I’m capable – I think it’s more that they are surprised at the level of my work? That sounds boastful – it’s not meant to. It’s more that I don’t think family ever really consider things that you do to be that special because you’re just you – when they see something out of the ordinary, it hits them harder because they had no idea you could do stuff like that!

Yesterday, I spoke to the nurse about the pre-op video session I have to join and I have a date and time for that now. Couldn’t get an answer regarding using Ozempic after the surgery and it was suggested that I speak to the surgeon/surgical team about that when I am discharged.

Stripes took my ‘start’ photos: front, back and both sides. Not the most fun I’ve ever had but I know that I will be pleased that I did it. I’ll take the next set before the surgery so that I can see what I achieve in a month, and then the plan is to continue taking the photos on a monthly basis.

My liquid diet begins on Thursday and I am dreading it for several reasons. It makes the surgery thing feel very real and giving up solid food is never easy. I successfully followed liquid plans on more than one occasion but this one has a lot riding on it. They want me to lose 8kg by November 31st in order for the surgery to go ahead, which as I said previously, deadlines/goals are not something I handle well.

It’s my writing day but I’m not sure the creativity is there so I may just try to read an ARC that I’ve just received and call it a day!

Telling the world but not my family..

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 169.8 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Hmm, I’m in a bit of a weird head-space.

I found out yesterday that my mother told one of my sisters about the surgery. Now, that shouldn’t be a big deal but I wasn’t planning on telling family (as in those who live outside the area and I don’t see from year to year) until much closer to the date. Not sure why – I’m not ashamed of having the surgery, but I guess I just wanted to keep it to myself? Which sounds absolutely bizarre when I’ve put it up onto the internet for all to see/find if they so choose, but I guess that’s what it’s about – me choosing who finds out or is told. The thing is, once you tell one person, the rest is out of your control and this shouldn’t be a big deal but it kinda is.

My family is a little strange, well at least I think so. We don’t meet up very often – it tends to be for big birthdays for the matriarch more than anything. However, like many families, there is a lot of gossip. I know stuff about siblings that I’m pretty sure they never wanted me to know. But the difference is, I don’t say anything to them about it – I might know but that doesn’t mean I feel free to discuss it openly. And now I’m wondering who else has been told and what they’re saying about me. Which isn’t my business – what other people think of me and what I’m doing is none of my business as long as they don’t get all up in my business.

Not sure I’m making a lot of sense.

I don’t think there’s any point in saying anything to my Mother about it. I know she won’t have done it maliciously but I can’t help but feel hurt. Like, I talked to her about my fears about leaving the girls behind, all of the things that could potentially go wrong with the surgery. We talked about my failed marriages, my return to my home city – or rather, she talked and I listened and tried to understand what was behind it all. My mother is not very emotional – she loves me and I know it; she’s proud of me and I know it; if I ever need money I know she would find a way to help me, no question. But she’s not emotional – not normally.

But she cried. And I don’t know how to help her feel better about everything. I know she looks at my life and wonders what went wrong – what happened. I used to be a go-getter (her words) and ever since I returned to my home city, she feels that I’ve basically buried myself alive in my house. I don’t visit people, I don’t go out, I call once a week to chat but don’t tell her much about myself.

The thing is, I know she hates my life. She hates what being fat has done to me; she doesn’t understand the mental health issues I have and struggles because for her generation, it was just kinda stiff upper lip and deal with things. And chronic illness with no definitive diagnosis makes things worse – she’s fighting against the desire to say just snap out of it. But I know that’s part of what is going through her mind. She’s watched me lose and regain hundreds of pounds over the years and to a large extent, can’t understand why I can’t just stick with a diet and lose the weight. She knows what the media says about Ozempic and the like; kinda understands that for some people it’s not as simple as eat less and exercise more, but she also can’t help holding on to that mentality because that’s what she knows. She’s had her own struggles with weight loss and succeeded on Weight Watchers, but is also currently struggling to keep her weight down.

Maybe it’s as simple as wanting to let people know my own way, in my own time. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out and have called myself a snowflake, a wuss, over-sensitive. But I don’t think I am actually any of those things – I think I just wanted agency over my own story. I’m not going to reach a point of happiness about this because I keep wondering who else knows, who else is judging me, who else is going to be watching to see if I fail – all of those people who have done and said nothing over the years whilst I’ve struggled with weight, loss, all of it. God this is all such a mind-fuck!

Normalcy – went to hospital today for pre-op blood tests, blood pressure, etc.. Was actually really peaceful – not a lot of people on the roads so early in the morning and we were seen pretty much immediately. In fact, we were done and outside again twenty minutes after our appointment time so all good. The best thing? Their scales show the same as mine – if I leaned too far to the right, it showed 170kg but leaning to the left turned it to 169.8kg so that’s what we went with! So I’m officially in the 160s which is nice.

Jab day and it was painful I – I’m not sure why but I really felt it today and was not impressed. Maybe I need to use a different site than my arm?

So, to end on a positive note, I have a couple of NSV – getting in and out of the Uber was easier and doing up the seatbelts in the backseat wasn’t a big deal.

I think I’m gonna try to get some sleep and put all of this out of my head!

Surgery Fears and Scattered Mind

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 170.4 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

Okay, I hadn’t realised that it had been so long since I posted. There’s been a lot going on and my mind is a bit scrambled.

I have a weight loss goal of 8.5kg by my surgery date. I don’t do well with deadlines – I always find a way to fuck things up and either have to scramble to make it or turn myself into a complete lunatic trying to do everything possible and maybe still screw things up in the process.

Point in fact: Stripes, Gidget and I sat down and counted the Exante shakes I had on hand for starting the liquid diet next week. We worked out that at three a day, I had 14 days worth, so I went onto the New You website and the Kee Diet to price things out. The issue seemed to be that both of those plans state you should be using four packs a day, which for some reason messed with my head. Like, I had a spreadsheet open and could do the calculation on there and yet I still ended up fucking up the amount I ordered. I did find the water flavourings I used to love so added those to it. Spent just under £170 ordering that and then realised I hadn’t ordered enough.

So off to Superdrug website to see if they had any ready to drink ones I could use. They have Slimfast in packs of 6, so I was going to order three of those so that I had extras and then I got stuck on the vitamins I need to order for after the surgery. Closed that tab.

Had a phone call on Wednesday with a lovely lady called Elaine where we went through a host of questions. She asked if I had previously been given a surgery date and then had it cancelled and I said no, but that I had started to wonder if they’d forgotten about me. Which makes me think that I should have been having all of this closer to March when I met the anaesthetist.

I asked her if I was allowed to continue the Ozempic after the operation and she said she had no idea. She said she’d asked the nurse who was used to handling the bariatric cases and get back to me. I am booked in for repeat bloods this Saturday morning because unfortunately all of the ones I had taken before are now too far out of date. All good – at least we can remind ourselves of where the hospital is and everything.

We’ve set up a spreadsheet with the things we need to do between now and surgery date so that things (hopefully) don’t get forgotten.

Requested liquid/crushable meds from my Doctor who contacted pharmacist. All good – even let me have some Betnovate for my eczema. All good, right? Well, nope because the pharmacist administered all of this stuff now which left us wondering, was I meant to be on liquid stuff from now until the Op? Finally called them and they said put my normal prescription through and use the tablets, etc. until the op then switch to the liquid ones. (High point: the liquid paracetamol is strawberry flavoured and Stripes said it looked like I was going to be taking adult calpol – little things please little minds, so sue me!)

Like I said, my mind is kinda scattered so my posts may be a little – random. I’m worried about the girls. I want/wish that they relied on each other and talked about the stuff that’s worrying them. I know they don’t want to add to my personal worries, but now I’m concerned that they’re bottling things up. Gidget had an appointment today with her Dr re her ADHD meds and he asked her if anything was stressing her out. She said no, at which point Stripes reminded her about the whole ex-stalker drama and me being given a date for surgery, at which point she burst into tears.

So, yeah, there’s definitely stuff going on that’s not being talked about. But what can I say? I’m just as cracked in the head about it all as they are. I’m scared of dying, about how things will be afterwards, about all of it. And that’s on top of the whole waiting to hear back about my PIP.

And on top of all of that, I find the scales are being bastards. There’s no other explanation for it – I’ve got as low as 170.1 (I think) but they just won’t tip over into the 160s. I wonder if I’m sabotaging myself somehow but I don’t see how. I haven’t actively changed how I’m eating – we’ve had ready meals, take out but nothing excessive, I’m drinking my Rio – the numbers just refuse to go down. So, yeah, I’m panicking. About whether I can cope on the liquid diet, on if I lose enough weight before the surgery, about all of it.

My new jimjams turned up and they look too small. I haven’t tried them on simply because I think that if they don’t fit and prove unsuitable, I may just break down and bawl and not stop. And the oven is causing issues – every time its’ turned on, it flips the breaker and we lose power in my end of the flat. The council have said the sockets are all fine so it has to be the cooker. We’re gonna get an electrician in to have a look at the oven but it’s expenditure I could well do without.

Positives? Well, I had to shave Lady Munchington’s private area because she’s been having pooping issues and not been keeping up with her personal hygiene. Get cats they said, they’re sweet, fun and low maintenance they said. Yeah, right! But I did an okay job and she doesn’t hate me any longer – after I did it, she hid in the cat tree in the living room and refused to acknowledge mat all. She seems to have forgiven me now (enough to take some fish from my hands) but that was not something I expected to have to do.

Weight Loss Surgery Update

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 171.7

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

This might be a long one.

On Monday 14th October, I received a phone call from a private number. To be honest, I don’t always answer them – most calls I receive are cold-calls – but I answered. And it was the surgical secretary calling to find out if convenient dates for weight loss surgery. I was a little in shock, but the date given was 28th November with a start date for the pre-op diet of 17th October.

Bear in mind, I haven’t heard anything from the surgical team since my meeting with the anaethetist back in March – I did a post on it here and have just read how it all made me feel. It’s taken them over 8 months to get to me with a surgery date. And yet it took me completely by surprise. Stripes described it well by saying that a cheerful stranger called me up and basically dropped a huge emotional bomb into my world with literally no warning.

So where am I? Well, Monday was a steaming pile of shite. Stripes had her ED meeting so it was just me and Gidget in the flat. She was busy in her room, so I was just sat ruminating, crying, panicking and generally being an idiot. This went on pretty much all day – I thought I was doing okay and then realising that I’m crying again.

Stripes came back from her meeting and I feel so bad because no matter what, it seems like she can never just have the focus on her. I tried, I really did, but I guess I’m not that great at hiding how I feel from her? Then Violet called because she’d heard that I got my surgery date and to check in with me and I ended up bawling down at the phone at her. Great – way to look/sound like a reasonable human being!

I know four people personally who have had weight loss surgery.

⟫ J had the surgery, got down to a size 8/10 and is now around a size 12 (I believe) and working to maintain.

⟫ H lost over 12 stone and is maintaining several years later.

⟫ K lost well over 12 stone and although he reached a good weight, struggled with his mental health.

⟫ O survived the surgery but had a heart attack on the way back to recovery and died.

J has always been really honest with me about all of it – the struggles, the pain, etc. She has five kids, some with special needs, and I asked her how the heck she did it. ”there simply aren’t any old people at the size I was” was the most impactful thing that she said. I’m still ruminating on it.

I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to continue on Ozempic once I’ve had the surgery. That is a question that I need to ask. That’s a BIG question actually.

Anyway, because of how much weight I’ve lost since the last consultation, I start the pre-op diet on 31st October instead of the 17th. I have a load of Exante products that should be fine, although I can’t confirm that until I’ve had the paperwork through. I also have to go for more bloods and speak to my Dr’s surgery about being able to have my medication in crushed or liquid form. I read through some of the paperwork and it looks like you stay in the hospital between 24 and 72 hours after the operation; I’ll need to get various vitamins and stuff to take on a daily basis.

Sorry this is so much ramble but my brain is working overtime. I’ve been struggling to sleep because I keep thinking of what could go wrong. Neither of the girls are on the tenancy with me because when I tried, the council turned me down, but that means if something happens to me they have nowhere to live. And I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to find somewhere that would take the four cats. And what about money? God – there is just so much going on in my head.

I know that this could be life-changing. I’ve lost 80lbs and feel like I haven’t achieved a damned thing, but having this surgery could mean that I lose the remaining 150 lbs quite a bit more easily. Easily – like having half of your stomach removed is easy. But yeah, it would be more likely than the up/down I’ve been having on Ozempic recently. I keep getting to 170ish and then the scales go up again and it’s so frustrating, I could tear my hair out.

My friend, S, suggested I calorie count to see if calories are creeping in but she doesn’t seem to understand that this hasn’t been a diet. I haven’t counted calories or anything like that – I’ve let the Ozempic manage how much I eat and just tried to eat ‘normally’. I don’t want to get into a diet mentality – or more of a diet mentality. I want to be able to eat like a normal person, let the Ozempic deal with the body chemistry issues, and figure out what’s enough without doing low carb or labelling food good or bad.

Family members: my Mum just wants me to be happy and healthy, so sees this as a good thing. She knows I’m scared but thinks I just need to bull through because overall this is something good. Oldest sister says it’s for the best, that she’s been through three surgeries and although she was afraid and hated the thought of the pain she might be in, in the end you have to look forward and ahead.

I haven’t properly talked to the girls yet. I want to try to talk to them one-on-one, make sure that they’re feeling heard. I know the final decision is mine but I want to know their thoughts too.

I feel like I’d be an idiot to turn this down. But I am so fucking scared that I can barely think straight. But ‘J’ is right – how many people weighing nearly 400 lbs life a long life? Or a decent life? What things could be different if/when I lose this weight? I could do more – within the capabilities of things that are not weight related. To not be in so much pain – to be able to walk better because I’m carrying less.

_ - _ + _ - _

Well, chats have been had, with the girls as well as my Mother, and I need to take it all in and figure out how I feel. I’ll be back – maybe not today – but I’ll be back.

First week of October 2024

SW ⟫ 207.7 | CW ⟫ 172.3 |

Ozempic: ⟫ 1 mg

So what have I been up to? Well, I set up a new spreadsheet because my old one was getting ‘creaky’. It would freeze when I tried to go to different sheets or charts and I guess it makes sense – there’s a year’s worth of data in it. So I set up a new one, streamlining things a bit and now including my BMI.

The scales are still being stubborn. I can’t figure out if it’s because I’ve been doing the resistance bands every other day and possibly I’m retaining water? My eating hasn’t changed that much although there has been an absolute obsession with cheese sandwiches when I’ve vaped my medicinal weed. I think I may need to adjust what I’m eating for dinner to include the craving because it’s not going anywhere – I did try to keep something aside from dinner but that didn’t work. It HAD to be the sandwich. Kudos to Stripes for somehow managing to recreate my childhood favourite sandwich!

I’m not sure if I can feel any difference with using the resistance bands apart from pain in my arms and shoulders. I guess I need to continue to be consistent with it and then maybe I’ll see something. I had a shower the other day and I was caught off guard by the mirror. God, my boobs are just so sad-looking. Like droopy Bassett ears. If I ever make it to goal, I’m going to need cosmetic surgery to deal with them because it’s just not right. I think I might need to start saving now though because I reckon I’ll need a whole body lift to get rid of the excess skin.

I bought some workout/sleep gear – Aztec print trousers and a couple of vests. I’m not sure the trousers will fit because they look really small to me. They’re a size 6xl but I don’t hold out much hope. Of course, I’ve been wrong before so I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I’m down with yet another cough/cold so am necking Benyllin like it’s going out of style. The sneezing is what makes me feel completely exhausted and I hate wearing my CPAP whilst I’m struggling like this. Added to which, there have been at least a couple of times when the coughing has led to me throwing up which is never nice. I don’t know if it’s because my immune system is just crap and autumn means the temperatures are changing, but I could do without it to be honest. Added to which, I can’t get my COVID or flu jab whilst I’m sick, so it has a knock on effect to everything. I need to book a Dr's appointment because I would like to be referred for a home hearing test and Specsavers’ have said that it has to come from the GP. I’ll add that to my to-do list but I would like to combine it with the jabs if I can so that I’m not paying out a fortune in Ubers for each trip to the surgery.

I’m trying not to panic at the numbers going back up and instantly think about titrating up, but I do wonder if I will need to move up to 2 mg. It’s hard to see the ‘loss’ numbers move from 80 lbs to 77 lbs without feeling a sense of disappointment. I don’t think I want to titrate up – I can only imagine how horrific the side effects would be – but I also don’t want to stall out here. I shall keep a close eye on the scales throughout October and then make a decision I think.

As to my goals at the end of September, I am definitely getting more protein in the form of cheese! I’m being consistent with the resistance bands – now I just need to get cracking on sorting out my bedroom floor and the clothes out of the cat room. Slowly, slowly!