saying goodbye to 2024 in a much better place than this time last year!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.6|

Transition to Normal Food⟫ Day 2

New Year’s Eve, traditionally a time of making resolutions so here’s mine. I want to commit to following the rules and instructions that my bariatric team give me as much as I am able to give this the absolute best chance of working for me. I have my first follow-up medical appointment next Monday so I want to make notes on questions that I might have. I know that I have blood tests following the group meeting and they should be able to let me know if I should be trying harder with regard to the vitamins, etc. I’m not so much worried about weighing in because when I spoke to the nurse, he said that there were no weight goals to meet for this first meeting.

I have the round up of my figures for 2024 from Libra and they look pretty good.

Obviously it shows my highest weight from November 2023 which was 207.7 kg but it just makes me realise how far I’ve come. I’ve lost over a quarter of my original start weight which is crazy to me, and I know that if I follow instructions and do what I am meant to do, I can achieve similar success in 2025. I don’t want to set unrealistic expectations – the surgery is meant to assist you in losing 60-70% of your excess weight, but even so, it should make a huge difference to my life.

I’m making the transition to normal food – yesterday I had half of a ready-meal fish pie (more like a third) but that should also help making food choices easier. So far today, I’ve only had a scrambled egg but I didn’t go to sleep until something like 8 am so I started the day late! I tried to dye my hair coral peach but apparently the purple is too strong, so I am starting the new year with frosted purple hair. I’m okay with that – in fact, I’m feeling okay about a lot of things.

For anyone reading this, I can honestly say that I don’t regret using Ozempic despite all of the side effects I suffered through and I don’t regret the surgery. I am still struggling on occasion – the mind stuff is such a head-fuck – and I know I will have struggles ahead, but I truly do feel like I made the right choice for me. I am sat here wearing size 4x trousers (down from 8x) and a size 24/26 vest top when normally I would be wearing a size 30/32. That is an achievement in and of itself.

I have no idea if I will be writing as much of the daily stuff – I think I needed to get my thoughts out a lot more over the last couple of months but presumably things will calm down. Either way, I can heartily recommend a blog or diary to help you look back on how things really were rather than distorted by lack of memory, as well as helping me see how far I have come. Tomorrow I want to do ribbon measurements (where you use lengths of ribbon to do your body measurements and then on a monthly basis to see the difference and not rely on a tape measure. I also want to do my monthly photos and I might start compiling those to see what the before and during photos look like.

I also want to take down my Christmas tree and try to restore my bedroom to something resembling normality. I sent back a few things that I’d ordered from SimplyBe because I didn’t need them and was just spending money for the sake of it. I want to start saving my money so that if I get PIP, I can get a Motability car and use the money for any Advance Payment.

I am grateful for the surgery; for the assistance given to me, especially by Violet in Endocrinology; how much support and love I have received from friends like Sare and Jay; but most importantly from Stripes, Book_grim and the Oldest. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for them and I am unendingly grateful for having them in my life.

So that’s me, signing off for 2024 and looking forward to 2025.

Post Surgery Four Week Round Up

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 155.8|

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 7

Time Since Surgery⟫ 4 Weeks

I decided to do a bit of a round up of things since the surgery. It’s a little more than four weeks post-op – more like 31 days.

When I went in for surgery, I weighed in at 164.4 kg and this morning I weighed in at 155.8 kg which means I’ve lost 8.6 kg since the operation. I have read about people losing more than that and am trying not to be too disappointed. In fact, I feel like I should be pleased but I also know that my head is a messed up place. I’ve lost 39.2 kg in 2024 which is pretty impressive since I didn’t have the surgery until the end of November.

Today for the first time I took a gabapentin and a duloxetine as a capsule and kept it down. This may be a bit of a game-changer for me as I have been struggling with taking the gabapentin dissolved in liquid – the taste stays in my mouth, makes me feel sick and makes it difficult to have anything else. I am also hopeful that I can get into a proper routine with my antidepressants now that it appears I can take them whole, which can only be helpful. I’m not going to try to do all of my medicines in solid form because I don’t think my stomach will handle that at the moment, but it is definitely a step forward.

Food-wise, I’m not quite where the bariatric bible says I should be. I’m doing a weird mix of puree and mashables – I had scrambled egg for breakfast but didn’t manage to eat all of it; smoothies don’t seem to be working for me at the moment; the chicken stew that Stripes made during puree week stays down and is good; things seem variable but I’m okay with that. I’m not expecting textbook, just progress. Drinking my water from my bottle with a straw does seem to mean that I am drinking more, and having put my protein water in there today I am feeling quite positive that I am going to finish at least 500 ml which is an achievement.

Sleep-wise, things are weird. Sleeping sitting up seems to be better for my stomach in terms of discomfort, but I definitely sleep better on my side lying down. I got some thermal socks because my feet felt like they were constantly freezing and that has definitely helped. The last couple of days, I’ve gone to bed around 2 am and slept through until 6 am when I need the bathroom, then I fall asleep again and don’t wake up again until sometime in the afternoon. The same sort of thing happened today but I woke up at 11 am, then crashed out until mid-afternoon. The thing is, I wake up feeling so weary! And if I’ve found my way off of the mountain of pillows to sleep on my side, my stomach feels like my insides have been through a tumble drier, which makes it harder to eat anything.

Stripes did make the point that Christmas is always a time of upheaval with bad sleeping, disruption, etc so I can’t fully blame the surgery for that. I think what I want to do is honour what my body is telling me – if it’s tired, then go to sleep even if it’s 11 am in the morning. I don’t have any appointments until 6th January so there’s plenty of time for me to ‘catch up’ on all the sleep I’ve missed. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t managed to kick this cold/sneezing thing.

I did some shopping at SimplyBe and ordered an oversized teddy bear fleece jumper dress. It’s lovely and soft, a gorgeous winter white colour but I may have overestimated the size. Book_grim fits into it with me and Stripes got a fabulous photo of the two of in it! I’m keeping it but will be sending back the fancy dress I ordered before Christmas as well as the cherry-red Mary Jane shoes. I was pleased that the size 9 fit me and seem comfortable but I have to be honest and admit I can’t think of where I would wear them. It makes more sense to send the back than to have the just cluttering up the place.

Once I get to six weeks post-op, I want to start using my resistance bands every other day but in the meantime I try to make sure I do a wander around the flat every now and then. Sometimes it feels like I’m dragging but other times I feel almost spritely. There have been a couple of times when I’ve got light-headed and felt like I’m going to pass out. That could be the lack of food or just the vertigo rearing it’s ugly head, so I shall keep an eye on that. I also want to start compiling a list of questions that I want to ask at my appointment on 6th, like when I should start taking the vitamins, when I should be able to return to all my medicines in solid form, that kind of thing.

There is a part of me that still can’t believe I actually did it – I underwent surgery and made it out the other side. The incisions are healing nicely, although there might be a bit of a keloid on a couple of them. And so far I haven’t done anything monumentally stupid in terms of forcing food or doing too much (after the initial few days when Stripes had to tell me off), so yeah me!

Tonight I think we’re going to try to watch the Gavin and Stacey Finale and maybe Wallace and Gromit. Tomorrow, Stripes has ED Counselling so she has spent today working through the stuff she was given; Book_grim is going for a sleep-study so will be sleeping at the hospital, and then on Tuesday night she’s working New Year’s Eve.

Mashables Week - Day 5

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 156.6|

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 5

I’ve now had two days of a LOT of sleep! Yesterday, I woke up in time to see the Oldest as they had come to pick up Stripes. It was absolutely lovely to see her and get a hug, very special. Then Book_grim and I had a chilled day. I crashed out for a good four hours and we both went to bed around 2 am. Well, she went to her room – I don’t know if she went to sleep.

This morning, I woke up around 8.30 as I needed the bathroom and made sure to call Book_grim so that she would feed the cats. Then I went back to sleep!! I think some of it is that I am sleeping on my side which is my preferred sleeping position, which means I sleep better. The bad side of that is how much I ache once I wake up and have to move. It feels like my insides have been tumbling around and is really uncomfortable. I don’t sleep nearly as well when I sleep sitting up so it’s a choice to make I guess.

It’s my writing day so I decided to go through all of the book reviews I have done over the past year and collate them all together. I had no idea I had written quite so many reviews, but it was great because I found a few books that should be a due a sequel, as well as ones that already have a sequel but got lost in my to-be-read pile. Stripes is on her way home and Book-grim has work tonight, so I think I’m going to log off from everything and just spend a bit of time with both of them before I crash out to sleep again!

I haven’t done too well food-wise today. I had a scrambled egg but couldn’t finish it; a slice of turkey with some stuffing and gravy and I just about finished the slice of turkey. I might try to have a smoothie or something just to get more protein, etc in but I am feeling pretty full. Water is doing better – I’m using a straw with my old water bottle and it seems to be preventing me swallowing too much air. I read a few people on Reddit say that it helped them reach their water goals and didn’t cause too much gas so thought I would give it a go. So far, so good.

Tomorrow marks four weeks exactly to the day that I had the VSG so I will try to do a round-up of my losses and how I’m feeling.

Scale Victory - 50 kgs lost!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 157.3 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 3

I did it – I lost 50 kgs! Definitely chuffed although I’m also completely and utterly exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until 7 am and woke up around 12 and have been dragging all day. I had a shower and put on my Christmas jimjams which feel really odd because I can’t think of the last time I actually bought ‘female’ pyjamas – they fit weird. I bought them in size 28/30 and they do fit, but they just feel too ‘close’, I can’t think of another way to describe it. Mind you, I am running the mother of all temperatures and have passed out a couple of times. When will this cold be done with me?

Today, I had my Christmas dinner: a slice of turkey, a small ball of stuffing, some mashed potatoes and gravy. I managed about 2/3 of the turkey, 1/3 of the stuffing and maybe a mouthful of the potatoes. Later, I had half a minced pie and a taste of the girls’ cheesecake. This is most definitely the most I’ve eaten since before surgery and I am feeling the need for the post-dinner nap!

Spoke to Mom and Shar who were spending Christmas together, left messages for other people but have generally not been online and am fine with that. We can get back to outside life when the holidays are over! I got some money for Christmas as well as my resistance bands, so may treat myself to some clothes in the sales. Then again, it might be worth me waiting until my birthday when I have a better idea of what size clothes to go for? To be fair, I don’t go out very often so don’t need much in the way of clothing – it would make more sense to save the money until I need it for something particular.

Stripes is off to spend some time with her Dad’s side of the family tomorrow so it will just be me and Book_grim until Friday. Gotta admit, my plans for tomorrow consist of sleep, reading and more sleep – I am aiming to sleep like Dmi and Castiel for the day, treat it like getting some shut-eye is my job!

Mashables Week - Day 2

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 157.9 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 2

Yeah, the scales went down but talk about tease – 0.2 away from being at 50 kgs off. This cold isn’t going anywhere, I had a crap night’s sleep, and I haven’t really enjoyed anything I’ve eaten today. I wonder if I am eating too much because sometimes there is a horrendous ache in my upper chest after eating. Not that I’m getting in my protein, water or anything really. Eggs, all bran, chicken stew and half a smoothie.

Christmas dinner has a lot of expectations to meet but I am preparing myself for disappointment! Fuck it, I didn’t even think I was going to make it to Christmas Day – I’m aiming for a day of gratitude, relaxation and love – I wish the same to anyone reading this!

Mashables Week - Day 1

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.2 |

Mashables/Soft Foods Week⟫ Day 1

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed at the lack of movement on the scales – I was really hoping to hit 50kgs off. I know I can still do it before the end of the year, but for some reason I was so sure that it was going to happen today.

Today began mashables/soft foods and both Stripes and I are feeling a little adrift without a paddle. The Bariatric bible says what kinds of foods to make but it doesn’t really seem to say meals which means it can feel a bit like lobbing a group of foods together and hoping they taste good!

Today, I have had two scrambled eggs, a coconut and peach smoothie, some all bran, chicken stew and milk. That kinda looks like five meals in the day – kinda. I suffered from some pretty epic diarrhoea today – it reminded me of shortly after the surgery when it felt like my body was doing some major inner cleansing. I can’t even begin to figure out what may have kicked it off – maybe the smoothie? Not enough protein in it or something? Anyway, yet another reason why I was so hopeful about dropping that half a kilo but it was not to be.

I had a rough night’s sleep last night – was up at 3 am and writing to Jay, just spewing out all of my thoughts. Here are a couple of the essays I wrote!

1) 3am in the morning and I'm wide awake - couldn't tell you why, just that I'm not best pleased about it! I think today may well be the first time that I have actively regretted the surgery. When I was using Ozempic, I still felt like I had a lot of control - if I wanted to eat something 'bad', I could make that choice knowing the consequences (generally a very upset stomach, occasional vomiting, cramps, etc.) whereas this all feels very confusing, I feel lost and like I have no control. There are times when I can drink some of a smoothie and I'm fine - other times, just one sip makes everything clench and hurt; sipping liquids is so unsatisfying sometimes - sometimes I miss the ability to glug down water when I'm feeling thirsty.

2) I also find myself comparing myself to other people. On Ozempic, it could be very lonely because basically the Dr writes the prescription and off you go. Losses and gains are all personal because everyone is eating differently, so it's harder to compare yourself. I've been on Reddit a few times and seen people who have lost 66lbs in two months and I can't help but compare my results with that. I know that it's early days - I know that it's only been three weeks and I've lost just under a stone so I should be happy. I just feel like - could I have done this carrying on with Ozempic? It's a weird place to be. My incisions feel like they're tugging - not painful, just not quite right - and this cold just won't go away which is making things worse. Today I snapped at Nina because she was crunching her crisps too loudly. I apologised and explained that I was going through some head stuff, but I just feel so ruddy awful. I know it can and will get better - maybe I need to sleep sitting up more often to help with the tugging? Tomorrow I start mashable food so the change in food will be nice. I just - I just feel a bit blank, a lot lost, and very sorry for myself.

I finally crashed out but in order to do so, I had to sleep upright using the giant cushion thing I bought. It definitely helps with the pain and discomfort but I would hardly call it comfortable. We’re talking about turning my mattress over when we change my bedding for my Christmas stuff – maybe that will help? My incisions are surrounded by little forests of white-heads, most likely from the Vaseline I’ve been using to keep them moist and both Stripes and Book_grim managed to stop me from trying to pop them. I think they are where most of the itching is coming from and it’s so aggravating but I don’t want to put anything else on them as apparently using Germolene or Savlon or whatever can make the incisions get all gunked up which I definitely do not want. Tomorrow I want a nice long shower – moisturise all the bits I can comfortably reach and maybe paint my fingernails and toenails. Do my bit to get festive!

The shop is due from Asda which includes a shit-ton of flavoured Green yoghurt, as well some more mango puree which I have missed – the peaches didn’t hit the spot at all, giving more of a fragrance than a taste. I also ordered a bariatric air fryer cookbook that includes recipes that might help us plan meals a bit better. It won’t get here until Friday as I missed the last Christmas deliveries but to be fair, the next few days have meals sorted: the remaining chicken stew Stripes made today, as well as the ‘traditional’ Christmas dinner.

Tonight is the last night Book_grim is working before Christmas so tomorrow should (hopefully) be quite relaxing. Stripes has the second part of the baking for her Dad’s side of the family to be getting on with and I have a couple of books to read, as well as starting to watch ‘Luke Cage’ on Disney+ - maybe watching Mike Colter will put me in a good mood!

Puree Week - Day 7 and can someone please shut off my brain?

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.2 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 7

My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I snapped – very unfairly – at Book_grim earlier because she was crunching crisps and it just made me feel so angry. I did apologise and tried to explain that today may be the first time that I’ve actually regretted having the surgery.

I’m trying to get my thoughts into gear so bear with me. Whilst I was on Ozempic, I kinda knew the side effects I could expect, whether it be vomiting or diarrhoea, and make the choice about what I ate knowing the consequences. The weight loss wasn’t speedy or guaranteed but I felt more in control. Ever since the surgery, it just feels like everything is out of my control. I can eat smoothies then suddenly I can’t; I can’t drink whatever I want when I want; I can barely identify hunger triggers; I feel truly lost with the whole change from puree to mashables – everything just feels really confusing. I was reading on Reddit and someone said when they overeat it makes them sneeze(?!) and I instantly found myself thinking what if this isn’t a cold but me constantly overeating? It’s like utter insanity in my head and I am so struggling with it.

I should be celebrating – the weigh in this morning means I am 0.5kg away from being 50kg lighter than I have been in years. But all I want to do is cry and drink a bottle of fizzy pop without suffering the wind from hell. My incisions are itchy and painful, the horrid tugging is back and I feel wretched.

Positivity! Yeah, okay, I can do that. I have been feeling like a real slug-a-bed recently, and the cancellation of the wet room deep clean bothered me more than I realised. So I set myself up in the bathroom with help from Book_grim and Stripes, and cleaned the cats’ feeders - -scrubbed off the accumulation of years worth of wet food and kibble. Then I scrubbed the toilet bowl, the seat, dusted off the cat fur that had gathered (yuck) and put a nice smelling rim-block. I know Book_grim was worried that I was overdoing it – and she might have been right – but I just needed to feel in control of some part of my environment. Yes I’m feeling it – everything hurts at this point – but I also feel like I achieved something. It might be small to a lot of people but to me, it felt like I did something that I really wanted to do that wasn’t related to weight loss or surgery. And I think I needed that.

Stripes made my dinner this evening: mashed potatoes, pureed spinach, onions, eatlean cheese and milk and it was lovely. I didn’t finish it but it was very tasty and made a nice change from what feels like a lot of sweet things. That or cup-a-soup which is another staple. I’ve also made myself a smoothie using the chocolate protein rice pudding with Greek yoghurt and some milk and that should see me through to the end of the evening, and I had two scrambled eggs for breakfast so I think I actually managed to eat my five meals today. Nearly.

Sometimes I think I need to stay away from places like Reddit, etc. I know the posts and comments there are going to be out of the norm, but it seems like everyone is dropping weight like it’s going out of style whilst my weight loss feels so slow. It’s three weeks since the surgery and I haven’t even managed to lose a stone yet. I think any other month, I would be relatively happy with that rate of loss but because of the surgery and comparing myself to other people, I feel like I’m failing? Add to that Mom’s voice in my head telling me that I should be able to lose 2 stone between surgery date and my first hospital appointment on 6th January and I definitely feel like a failure. I hate that I am letting that into my head; I hate that I am letting that affect my mood; I hate that I am judging myself so harshly when if someone was talking to me about all of this, I would tell them to take it easy and let things just work they way that they are meant to. I hate that I don’t seem to have the ability to relax and trust the process.

It doesn’t help that I am wondering if I am sabotaging myself in some way, like I deliberately don’t want to lose two stone by the appointment because that would be proving Mom right, and I really quite desperately don’t want her to be right. Like, how fucked in the head is that – I would rather fail than prove my Mom right. That’s quite a sobering thought and I think I need to sit with that for a bit – figure out how to put those thoughts, those feelings into perspective so that they don’t poison the things that I do. There are times when I desperately hate my brain and this is definitely one of those times.

Puree Week - Day 6 and still sick!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.8 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 6

I’m beginning to wonder if I should try to see a doctor for this cold. I can’t think of one day since the surgery when I haven’t had issues sneezing or breathing and had simply put it down to the time of year. But today was tough – Stripes had to help me with the nebuliser again and I ended up having to sleep because it seemed like the only way I could relax enough to breathe properly. I don’t want to be overly dramatic but I also don’t want to dismiss symptoms of something being wrong.

I have wondered if I’m eating too quickly and taking in too much air – my scrambled egg today was gone really quickly as I left it too long and hadn’t realised how hungry I was. I’ve also found that the best way to eat my smoothie is with a spoon as sipping from the blender seems to encourage too much air getting in. It’s frustrating but then I also need to remind myself that it’s barely been three weeks and I’m not going to get it all right straight away.

Today was day 6 of puree’d food which means on Monday I should be going to mashables. And I am more than a little scared. I had all bran yesterday and it was fine – chewing each small bite between thirty and forty times seemed to work, but that was basically like gruel. It was mainly liquid anyway – I’m not sure how it’s going to work with more solid food. I think I might start with mashed potato because that can be quite liquid-y. I was really looking forward to the eatlean cheese but every time we’ve added even a small amount to my scrambled eggs, I’ve had issues. Saying that, I’d still like to try to melt some into my mashed potatoes and see if it works.

I also found myself eating whilst playing a game on my phone and I need to not let that become a habit. I need to eat mindfully – slowly, chewing each bite at least twenty times, each meal should last at least twenty minutes.

Hard to feel positive when I can barely breathe but let me see if I can come up with something. I didn’t panic as much as the first time it got this bad – instead, I made sure to ask Stripes for the nebuliser sooner rather than later, accepted my limitations and allowed myself to just sleep. I think I have been struggling with how slow my recovery has been without considering the fact that I had major abdominal surgery, my body is still healing, and this is just the beginning of the journey. I’m doing okay, I’m a work in progress and I’m doing okay.

Puree Week - Day 5

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.6 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 5

Didn’t sleep very well last night which explains why I didn’t get up until after 12 today. It’s my writing day but my creativity button seems to be on snooze, so instead I read some books and left some book reviews. Still a good use of my time and I am pleased I managed to get something done.

Struggling a little bit with the whole eating thing. I manage a scrambled egg each day (with a little help from Dmi) but apart from that, I seem to be living on yoghurt, milky coffee and the occasional smoothie. Today, I made my smoothie including a protein rice pudding from Muller and am struggling to eat it. I added yoghurt and mango puree but not milk, so it’s thicker than usual – almost thick enough to need a spoon – and I can take about three mouthfuls before I feel like my stomach is too full and I’m going to be sick. I’m nowhere near the five meals per day that I am meant to be on, and I’m beginning to think that I am not going to be able to handle mashables from Monday.

The thing, I seem to swing from ‘just keep sipping’ to mild panic that I’m not taking the vitamins as yet, don’t think I’m managing over 1000 calories per day and highly doubt that I am meeting any protein goals. Which in the long run is going to do me more harm than good. What if that’s why the scales aren’t really moving? I read a post on Reddit where someone is two months out of surgery and have lost 66 lbs!! Like – I haven’t managed to lose a stone in one month and someone has already lost nearly four times that amount. And it’s not because they weigh more than me – their start weight was much less than mine so they have less to lose. Sometimes there’s this panic of ‘what if I can’t do this? What if I fail?’ I try to remind myself that it’s been three weeks and I am still healing; the scales are moving even if it feels like very slowly; every body is different and I spent decades abusing my body with ridiculous diets, etc so all of this is going to take time.

But what if I do fail?

Okay, positivity: you only fail if you give up and I’m not giving up. The scales are not moving as fast as I would like them to but I am still sticking to it. I lost 100 lbs over the last year before the surgery so it’s not like I can’t do it – I have the extra tools now and there is no big rush to get the weight off as soon as possible. It took years to go on and may take years to come off. I need to stay the course, trust the process, trust myself and just keep doing what I’m doing.

And if I don’t make it onto mashables on Monday, then big deal. It’s not like the food is going to disappear if I don’t have it for Christmas. Far better to honour where my body is at than to try to push things along prematurely – I am worth the time and effort it is taking to do this. My goals are manageable and I have the ability to do this.

I think it’s time to grab my crochet and see what’s on the TV – Reddit and other online places are becoming triggers instead of support and inspiration, so better to just remove myself from there before it gets too far into my head.

Puree Week - Day 4

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 158.9 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 4

Three weeks post surgery and I really don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s nice that the scales are starting to move downwards again, although I know I need to be aware that they are just as likely to go up as down whilst my body is adjusting to everything. I often feel ‘normal’ as in the incisions still itch like crazy but don’t actively hurt as much as they once did. I can walk around without holding onto my stomach for fear that it’s going to fall off or something ridiculous like that. I definitely don’t feel up to doing any exercise and the fatigue is real, but to be fair, that’s pretty much my normal. I think the sense of normality has definitely been assisted by me beginning to get my antidepressants into my system on the regular, and today I tried gabapentin again (the taste is so vile, it even killed my mango puree smoothie!)

Positivity: this one was difficult because it involved looking in a mirror and finding something positive to say about myself. My hair is a virulent purple (striking and pretty) and it would be so easy to say something about that and leave it. But I want to try and be as honest as possible. I look tired – dark circles under my eyes and my skin looks a little grey. BUT. I can see a change in my face shape – only a little but more than I’ve ever managed before – and I really like the way my skin looks against the purple hair. That has to count, right? I still have a very round face but it’s not as surface of the moon as I used to think!

Stripes hit Home Bargains today and sent me masses of photos of the various products so that I could choose the things I wanted. So many pretties, including hand soap, body wash, perfumed mist, nail varnishes – bliss! And it gave me an idea – I want to clear off one of my chest of drawers and make myself a ‘treat’ section – foot packs, body lotions, perfumes – all in one prominent place so that I make an effort to be nice to myself.

I did a lot of reading today but still haven’t finished the ARC I have – I have a writing day tomorrow so intend to finish the book and do a review straight away. It’s a good book – not as good as the first one I read from the author, but good nevertheless. I don’t know if I have any fiction in me – that side of my brain seems to be on holiday at the moment which is a bit of a pain because there are some outstanding stories that I would like to work on. Maybe inspiration will strike tomorrow but I’m not holding out much hope.

I’ve nearly finished the blanket for Jay’s grand-daughter and Stripes is making the second one as she has no crochet project on at the moment, so hopefully we’ll be able to get those posted early next week.

The DVD box-set I ordered turned up – it’s Emerald City which Stripes and I watched years ago. I was so excited to watch it but must admit to being a little disappointed. Maybe I bigged it up too much in my head? Not helped by the lack of subtitles and the low’ voices they all speak in. I still want to watch it but not as excited as I was. We watched the latest Strike on BBCiPlayer and it was brilliant. Frustrating but brilliant. I wish they made more of them but also want them to maintain the high level of entertainment etc so I guess I’ll have to wait another couple of years for the next series.

Food-wise, I’ve done okay. I managed a scrambled egg in 30 minutes (with Dmi’s help), had a mango puree smoothie, cup-a-soup and a milky coffee so nearly the five small meals that I’m meant to have. I know I’m nowhere near the right level of liquids or protein but it is definitely getting easier. One step closer to mashables – sip sip sip!

Just keep sipping - puree week day 3

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.2 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 3

Was awake when Book_grim got in from work around 4 am and shared a yoghurt and a chat. This morning, we all seemed to be feeling exhausted so the day didn’t really start until after 11 am. I was so impressed though, cos Book_grim got all of her important chores handled before she left to spend a few days with her Dad.

Stripes dyed my hair soft-lavender again with the Crazy Colour and I had a shower. I feel clean but my incisions are itching like you wouldn’t believe, and two of them have a weird spike-like thing sticking out of them. It’s difficult to tell what it is – maybe a stitch​? – but I’m trying my best to leave them alone and just use vaseline to keep the skin moist.

I’m wearing my new Garfield jimjams and can’t figure out if I’m imagining it or not, but they feel a little looser? Not that the scales have made a great jump downwards or anything like that. It’s hard to remain positive when there seems to be no real movement – I’m barely managing my liquid goals let alone the puree ones, which means I’m eating less than 800 calories per day. Surely the scales should be dropping more than this, right? Sigh – just keep sipping, just keep sipping. We didn’t end up contacting the surgery team regarding the trapped wind issue – partly because we all slept in and partly because there is a major part of me that feels like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Positivity: this is more difficult today. I was thinking that I’ve turned into a real hermit, with my phone on do not disturb, avoiding chats, etc. Then I realised it’s because I’m feeling a bit fragile and I’m protecting my peace. There’s no point putting myself out there just to be over-sensitive to things that might be said – it makes more sense to hunker down and be nice to myself. I think normally I would be trying to force myself to be sociable/be on, but I am just feeling absolutely exhausted and like I need a break. So I’m taking one.

Stripes and I are going to watch the new season of Strike on BBCiPlayer and I’m going to keep going with the blanket I’m making for Jay’s grand-daughter, although I’m not sure if it’s any good. It doesn’t look like a neat rectangle to me and I wouldn’t even be offended if Jay said thanks but no thanks! Tomorrow makes three weeks since surgery and I know that means I am well within the three week stall. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen to me, but apparently in this I am going to be ‘typical’. Damned shame, as some people have had some amazing losses in the first three weeks since surgery, whereas I seem to be making no real progress.

Just keep sipping!

Trapped Wind is Satanic!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 2 Redux

Well, it’s been a bit of a day. I woke up sneezing and wheezing and feeling really tight in my chest. I thought I’d managed to kick the worst of this cough/cold but apparently not. As the morning progressed, things got worse – it felt like I had a boulder stuck on my chest with how badly the wind was trapped and a few times I thought I was going to throw up.

Stripes helped me use the nebuliser which helped clear my nose (dripping all over the place – gross) but I couldn’t calm down enough to be able to work through the trapped wind. In the end, I put on my CPAP machine, settled under the duvet and put on a playlist of someone shopping at Home Bargains over the cousrse of the year. I’m not sure how long I slept for, but I felt markedly better when I woke up. If it happens again this evening/tomorrow morning, we’re going to call the surgery team to see if they have suggestions. I was petrified of throwing up, firstly for what it might do to my stitches and secondly because I hadn’t actually consumed anything.

Today, I’ve had a milky coffee, a jelly pot, a tablespoon of tuna with a tablespoon of mashed potatoes, and I’ve made a mango and passionfruit smoothie to finish everything off. It’s not quite the full puree menu – I’m meant to be aiming for five meals per day – but I think it’s progress.

Positivity: comparison is the theft of joy. I was watching either Too Large or 1000 lb Friends (not sure which) and one of the people had already lost nearly 2 stone three weeks post surgery. Then I read a post on Reddit and someone was told they should be losing 1 lb per day. I’m nowhere near that and was beginning to feel like a failure. I even went so far as to weigh myself with no clothes on to see if there was a difference. There is, but there felt like there was no point in logging that weight because tomorrow when I go back to weighing wearing clothes, it would just show a rise. That was the point that made me realise that I was letting other people’s journeys and achievements get into my head. The scales will go down when they go down – in the meantime, my job is to take the meds, work on getting in the food, and sip sip sip. That’s all I have to do. And I can do that – I have been doing that.

Does it count twice if I come up with something else positive? I was feeling like the worst kind of wuss because the pain of the trapped wind was making me cry but instead of just berating myself, I accepted Stripes’ words that I was far from being a wuss, was handling things well and allowed myself to stop trying to bull through the pain and rest. That has to be a good sign, right? I allowed myself to just feel rough and do what I could to recover.

Book_grim is back at work tonight and going to visit her dad’s side of the family tomorrow, so for the rest of the week it will just be me and Stripes. I don’t think we have any wild plans – she’s got her baking to do for her dad’s side of the family Christmas, and I want to crochet and do some reading.

We’re coming up on the deadline we set for the wet room to be cleaned and it looks like our Airtasker has completely and utterly flaked on us. I’ll get the money back and try to rebook but I am really disappointed. But I might ask Stripes to help me refresh my hair dye – the soft lavender is definitely fading so could do with a top up. So, shower tomorrow and fresh jimjams which actually sounds rather lovely. So Puree Redux is under way and I think I’m going to call today a success because in spite of the wind issues, I didn’t just stick to liquids – I ate the tuna and mashed potato, and the smoothie is definitely thicker than water or tea. Little steps!

Slowly slowly sip sip!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Puree Week⟫ Setback Day 1

Yesterday’s return to liquids seems to have helped – no more diarrhoea. I was a little disappointed – I guess I had it all set in my head how things were going to go and I am having to wrap my head around the fact that my body is dictating the pace, not my mind.

So yesterday, I had a scrambled egg which tasted absolutely divine even though I wasn’t able to finish the whole thing; a milky coffee; the remains of the Fage coconut and mango smoothie and a cup-a-soup. Last night, I vaped for the first time in over a week and ended up falling asleep just before 1am. Woke up around 7 to go to the loo, then back to sleep until 11 a.m. I feel better for that much sleep but am still pretty exhausted – too much on Saturday most likely.

I did have my counselling session and have homework. I have to consider my negative self-talk and find a way to put a positive spin on it – not something I’m great at. One per day, with an additional one being looking in the mirror and saying something positive.

So, positivity day 1: the scales are moving so slowly that I feel like I am failing – I’ve lost 2/3 of my stomach and yet the scales are pretty much stalled. Positive spin? I am trusting myself and the process and not trying to ‘cheat’ the system. I accept the number on the scales even as I accept that it is not the whole picture and that’s okay.

I paid for the girls to go and see Wicked this afternoon, as a thank you for how much support they have given me whilst using Ozempic but mostly for the really difficult period of time after we found out my surgery date. It’s nice to be able to do something nice for them and even better, because I’m so ruddy tired all that I’m going to do is update the blogs and then nap/crochet/watch TV. They don’t have to worry about me being on my own, and I know that they are going to have a good time. Not sure what the plan is for dinner, but judging by the fact that my scrambled egg today feels like it’s wedged in my throat, I think I might stick with something liquid. Slowly slowly, sip sip. That should be my new mantra!

Puree Week - day 3 and a slight setback

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.6 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 3

The mashed potato with eatlean cheese was lovely, but omg the portion sizes are gonna take some getting used to! Stripes made an 8th of the pack and I still left more than 2/3rd of it. I was a little disheartened by my progress which was when the tsunami of diarrhoea reminded me that things can always be much worse.

So today, the plan is to go back to liquids – milk, cup a soup with bone broth, maybe a smoothie. I would still like to try a scrambled egg for breakfast though! I need to remind myself that this is for the long haul and that quick fixes don’t work. So what if it takes me longer to get up to a ‘full’ meal which is meant to be about 5 tablespoons – the longer it takes, maybe the more weight comes off in the meantime. Speaking of which, I am getting heartily sick of seeing 159 and 160. Even bouts of diarrhoea don’t seem to be making the scales shift in any meaningful way. I wonder if some of this has to do with the voice in the back of my head again – how nice would it be to excise that once and for all?

I didn’t have my counselling session as I was stuck in the bathroom, so that should be happening today. Other than that, I want to sip sip sip, do some crochet and some reading. That should be more than enough for today!

I can feel that I did too much yesterday – all the walking around, faux-socialising, trying on clothes and doing some (very rudimentary) resistance bands stuff. The ache around my incisions is not as sharp as it has been, which means I am slowly starting to feel the pain from my knees and back – it didn’t go anywhere, it was just masked by the tugging, etc that I was experiencing. I’m sticking with the paracetamol at the moment but if things get much worse, I may have to resort to some gabapentin dissolved in liquid which says just how much pain I’m in because that stuff tastes RANK!

Puree Week - Day 2

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.9 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 2

Day 1 of the Great Puree week seemed to go okay, but today I am struggling a little with diarrhoea. Yesterday, I had chicken with mushrooms and spinach – it looked strange but was really tasty. I hadn’t realised just how tired I was going to feel eating and went to bed before midnight. I woke up a couple of times to go to the bathroom then crashed out again.

Anyway, this morning I attempted to make Wheat Bix. All went well in the kitchen but once I got back to my room and tried it, I decided it needed a little sf flavourings. My hand shook and it felt like I poured half the bottle into the breakfast. I did taste it but it was unpalatable and I didn’t have the energy to go to the kitchen and try it all again, so I waited until Stripes was up. It seemed to go down okay – it was very much just like a liquid Wheat Bix so not quite as textured as the chicken and veg I had last night. I had a small muller light Greek yoghurt mixed with my antidepressants, and I think that is what my body is reacting to. It’s a bit similar to when I used to have Ozempic clear-outs – it’s like my body has decided NOPE and it has to be expelled immediately.

The plan is to have mashed potato and cheese for dinner and hopefully that sticks because I am looking forward to that so much!

Vee and Shar visited which was lovely. They didn’t want to stay long as both Stripes and I are still fighting off this leurgy, but it was very nice to see them. Vee said I had lost so much weight and I struggled to accept the compliment. I said that it was from before the surgery and tried to play it off instead of just accepting it. Maybe something to think about and work out how I feel?

I’m meant to be having another counselling session today but (a) I didn’t have any homework and (b) I am struggling to stay awake, so we shall have to see! Strictly and maybe a movie later as I want to do some work on the blanket for Jay’s granddaughter.

Puree Week - Day 1

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160.1 |

Puree Week⟫ Day 1

I find myself wondering what exactly I expected from Friday the 13th! A bit of an on again/off again sleep thing – this cold is truly wiping me out – but I was up at 6ish and felt not bad. When Stripes got up to feed the beasties, we went into the kitchen and I made my first smoothie: coconut Fage yoghurt, mango slices, skimmed milk. Felt a little bit like I was cheating – I blitzed it down so that it was pretty much the same liquid texture as I’ve been having since the surgery. It tasted nice – maybe a little bland?

Lunch-time, and Stripes decided to tempt me with Salted Caramel Fuel porridge made with skimmed milk. This was more of a challenge – I was worried that some of the oats might slip past my teeth without me chewing and choke me; that it was too thick; that it was too thin. I also wanted to be sure that I was taking small enough spoonfuls and ‘chewing’ it for a long enough period of time. I think quite possibly the hardest part of it all was not drinking while I was eating. You’re meant to give yourself 30 minutes after a meal before drinking anything and I struggled with that. Maybe because I am beginning to feel like I’m not drinking enough as a general rule and I’m concerned about becoming dehydrated.

I think the plan is chicken, mushrooms and spinach for dinner but I don’t even know if I’ll have the energy. 20 minutes of eating the porridge and I probably managed three tablespoons if that? And I am tired!

Some of my tiredness is frustration – the Airtasker cancelled (again) and I’ve been trying to find a way to remove them from the task without having to pay a fee. She claims that she can’t remove herself but surely if she has to reschedule or something goes wrong, she has access to cancelling a job? It all feels quite dodgy to me and it’s annoying AF because it means the task still isn’t complete.

I called the PIP consultation line to see if there was any news about my review. They received and acknowledged my paperwork on 15th October and I haven’t heard anything since. When I finally got through to speak to a person, he asked if I had been given any timelines for the review. Apparently, because of a backlog, it is sometimes taking up to a year before reviews are complete. However, as my award is due to expire around 3rd May, if they still haven’t got to my review by 3rd April, I will automatically be renewed for twelve months.

We will still be able to get a motability car for a one year lease as apparently as long as your award has over 12 months to go on it, you can use the mobility part for a car. But how incredibly ridiculous is it that they chased me to do a review form, complete with deadlines, whilst being unable to handle the sheer amount of reviews and new claims they already have to handle. And they weren’t going to say anything – was I literally meant to spend the next six months on tenterhooks wondering if I was going to get the award? It’s like they have no idea how stressful the whole thing is – it beggars belief. It does mean that I’m not going to be eligible for the Advance Payment assistance that they are running until 3rd January, so I need to start putting money aside for that. It might be a big ask, especially since we’re going to have to keep using Ubers, but I want to try to put aside £250 per month so that I can afford the Advance Payment.

I finished wrapping the last of the Christmas presents (apart from the conch ring I bought for Stripes – no idea where that has disappeared to! But now there are presents for all of us on top of the bookcase and the cabinet and I feel like it’s a decent enough haul.

I finished the pattern I was crocheting for my beanie and because I have a planet-sized noggin, it’s too freaking small. I tried to unravel it but the chenille did not react well and began to snap and break. So it looks like I’m going to have to do some fine-tuning to the pattern to allow for the size of my head! I think I will try to finish that this evening, then spend the next couple of nights working on the blankets for Jay’s grand-kids.

I put an order in for the condiments tubs from Amazon – size-wise, they should be good for keeping small portions of things and not taking up too much space in the freezer – but I can see that it’s going to be a bit of a learning curve figuring out all of this stuff. My brain is fried so I think I’m gonna turn off the laptop and do some reading. Only three more meals to have today!

TW: Gnarly Incision Photos!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.4 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

Not sure what is was I ate yesterday that caused a reaction, but I have a rather upset stomach. Not quite liquid but kinda yellow in colour, which makes me think it has to be the pineapple that I’ve been blending into my yoghurt and milk. I think it might be time to get rid of that tin of fruit (it’s been open and used since Monday I think) and will move on to the mango. I have strawberry yoghurt but I think it might taste better with the coconut stuff I got in the shopping.

Jay suggested that I try adding my antidepressants to the yoghurt since they refuse to dissolve fully in water and that sounds like a a decent plan to me. She also recommended some protein yoghurts but I’m not sure how I feel about those. I tried Kvarge a while back and couldn’t handle the texture but my tastebuds have definitely changed since the surgery and it may turn out to be okay.

I’m meant to be having five small meals a day from Friday (a period of puree begins tomorrow) so today is the last fully liquid day. I read somewhere to try something new and then allow four hours to see how the body is going to react to it. I don’t think I want to start the day with a weetabix – for some reason, that feels like it might be too big a change from all liquids, so I think I’ll go with a slightly lumpier yoghurt! Wow, I make it sound so enticing!

And in further gross things that my body can do, a chunk of scab came off of one of my incisions. I’ll try to include a picture, but be warned, it’s not exactly pretty! I don’t even know when it came off – I went to moisturise the incisions and there it was, looking like an extra incision but not attached at all! If it helps, the image is taken by me looking down at my stomach, so you’re basically seeing down my torso. You can’t see the two incisions on the right side as (a) they’re hidden by my boob! And (b) they’re pretty much healed up now!

* white square is the incision that always looks like it’s one second away from exploding when I sneeze. It has a weirdly protruding bit that freaks me out and makes me panic every time!

* yellow square is the scab formed from glue, stitches, skin, etc which decided to detach itself! Gross yet fascinating!

* aqua square is the actual incision – still has some scabby bits on it, but generally speaking is pretty much healed.

* bright pink square is the biggest incision that was there – I imagine, this is where they tugged my stomach through (boak*) and now it kinda looks like an infinity symbol, although that might be me being fanciful!

The girls have likened them to my tattoo healing abilities – sometimes, within days my tattoos look like they’ve been there forever; other times, old tattoos can look like they never intend to heal fully. Based on the pictures of incisions and healing wounds I’ve seen on Reddit, etc, I think I’ve been quite lucky with how they look. I wouldn’t have said that a week ago, but time and hindsight definitely help!

My wool turned up, so today I think I’m going to work on my hat and maybe watch some TV, as well as doing some reading. The sneezing is aggravating and I hesitate to say that it’s getting better in case I implement Murphy’s Law, but rest is never a bad thing!

Brace, brace, brace - incoming sneeze!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

This cold has escalated until I feel like it might just be the flu. Of course, if I had installed a braincell, I might have realised that some of what’s going on is withdrawal from a variety of meds. I haven’t taken most of my normal stuff since the day before surgery, but the emotional whiplash may well be because I went cold-turkey on my antidepressants. I don’t even know why I didn’t think about the effect it might have on me – physically and mentally – but it might explain some of the rollercoasters I’ve been riding.

Yesterday I tried an options hot chocolate sachet with skimmed milk. It tasted okay, but the texture felt really strange on my tongue and I couldn’t finish it. Then suddenly it was like everything on my insides needed to be on my outsides immediately and there followed a few urgent trips to the bathroom. Stripes said it might be dumping syndrome since that’s pretty much the first time I’ve had ‘chocolate’ so I think I’m going to avoid chocolate for the foreseeable.

We went through the manifesto agenda and I think we might have the beginnings of an idea as to how to move forward with cleaning schedules, etc. It’s never easy having those chats – doesn’t seem to matter how mature people are trying to be, me and Book_grim rub each other up the wrong way and things escalate to unpleasantness, and suddenly we’re running through grievances from years ago. It doesn’t help that I feel like absolute lukewarm shit.

The scales are driving me insane because the numbers are going up instead of down. Not by huge amounts, but it’s more than a little disheartening to find that it doesn’t look like there’s been any weight loss in week two. I’ve heard of the three week stall but not week two and of course my mind has run away with the idea that I’ve been doing things wrong and that the surgery didn’t work on me. Ridiculous and not helped even slightly by the fact that I am meant to be moving to pureed food from Friday. We put through an Asda order, with weetabix, protein sources, veggies – things with texture that can be blended to something smooth. I’m a little scared of it to be honest – sometimes it feels like the surgery literally just happened, other times like I’m dragging my feet with regard to progress, etc. I don’t want to mess this up – I don’t think that I am messing it up – but there’s this voice in the back of my head (no points for guess who it sounds like) telling me that I need to get a move on and put some work in, that if I’m not actively losing weight, then I’m failing.

There’s so much head stuff that needs to be worked through. Today, I have the last few presents arriving to be wrapped up (as well as some due on Thursday), but other than that, I wonder if I might just be doing myself a favour if I wrap up with cup-a-soup and sleep the day away.

Stripes found the dissolvable antipressants so I’ve started taking those – I’ll build them up but it’s good to know that we’ve got them here. She also made me a pina colada smoothie for breakfast, although it’s difficult because not only can I not taste a damned thing, I’m struggling to breathe with a blocked nose so I don’t know how much of it I’m going to be able to consume. Some Vicks vapour rub under my nose, have taken my paracetamol and drunk some protein water, and I think it’s definitely time to shut down the tech and see if I can sleep again! Might post more later!

The Great Pre-Puree Experimentation

Well apparently I was tired! I vaguely remember the cats being fed but that was all she wrote. I settled down without additional pillows around 8.30 pm and the next thing I know, it’s 6.30 in the morning! I didn’t post to the blog yesterday – had it all written out but then did nothing with it! So I’ll just add it on to this one.

Yesterday, I began the great pre-puree experimentation. I put a Muller Greek coconut yoghurt in with some pineapples and some milk and blitzed it in my bullet. It tasted kind of like a virgin pina colada, a very different flavour to what I’ve been consuming lately. It made a nice change – everything was beginning to just taste of bone broth! So today for breakfast, I had the same but with a strawberry yoghurt instead of coconut.

We were meant to be having the bathroom deep cleaned but the person who accepted the job can’t make it today. We’ve postponed until Friday but if they try to reschedule again then I think we’ll ask them to cancel so we can offer the job to someone else. So instead of the bathroom getting a deep clean, I have a few things I wouldn’t mind getting started on.

* getting all of the shakes together, listing them all and figuring out the best place to sell them;

* unpacking my parcel from SimplyBe so that everything is laid out and I know what fits and what I want to shrink into;

* I wrote some things into the family manifesto but we haven’t had the chance to discuss them as yet. With the deep clean of the bathroom postponed, maybe aim for next week with looking at the points I raised?

Vee and Shar are talking about visiting this weekend, although to be fair they have been talking about visiting since before I went into the hospital. I don’t mind either way to be honest – maybe they’re right and I just don’t like visitors? Or maybe I just don’t want to feel judged in my own space. Ohh, zing, apparently catching up on sleep makes me snarky and a little bit sassy!

Stripes is out at a Carer’s thing and Book_grim is asleep, so I think I’m going to grab a book and snuggle down to read.I’ve already done the Home Bargains order so we should have cat litter by next week. I think I’ve finalised the last of Stripes’ presents (Book_grim and the Oldest are already all bought and wrapped). So another industrious day of reading and sleeping then! This sneezing thing is still hanging around and sometimes, my incisions look like they’re on the verge of popping open which freaks me out. On the other hand, the two on my right side seem to be pretty much closed and done with. It’s the other three that are really scabby, look a bit oozy and the whole ‘tugging from inside’ sensation is one I would happily never feel again!

_ - _ + _ - _

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160.1 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

I managed to read two ARCs and get the reviews up, so feeling rather industrious. I vaped my weed last night and I think I crashed out around 10pm. So when I woke up just before 3 am, I was less than pleased to realise that I was awake-awake. Sigh.

Today I decided to try to get down a SlimFast shake. It seemed like things were okay, but before I’d finished the last sip, I had to make my way to the bathroom and spent about 30 minutes in there. And as a way of showing just how flipping exhausted it made me feel, I didn’t even bother getting onto the scales to see if I lost some weight!

I think I’m going to gather up all of the protein shakes, slimfast and sachets and try to figure out how to sell them. It just doesn’t seem worth it to keep trying with them when I was having such little success pre-surgery, so why continue to put myself through that now. I’m on my last bottle of protein water and trying to decide if I should buy some more. When I like the flavour, it’s all good, but I think there have been far too many days where I’ve ended up throwing a lot of it away, especially as you’re meant to consume it within 24 hours of opening.

I was catching up with Jay and talking about how cold I feel all the damned time and she confirmed that it doesn’t actually get better! So I think it might be time to lean in to the whole thing – brushed cotton fitted sheets, brushed cotton pillow cases along with one of my velvet duvet sets and the heated blanket should stop me feeling like my limbs are blocks of ice! Stripes has her ED Counselling session today but she said she’s happy to change my bedding when she gets back.

And tomorrow is the day for the bathroom deep clean, which I am weirdly excited for! We’ve done stuff in the bathroom before (especially over the summers when we had the flies infestation – YUCK!) but it would be lovely to see what someone could achieve without the ‘sentimental’ attachment to the stuff that’s there. I think we all need to make sure things we definitely don’t want thrown away are either in an appropriate basket, or put away on top of the window ledge, so basically it’s a case of taking everything down, wiping it clean, etc, then putting everything back I know Book_grim said that there was a bag of stuff in the kitchen from the Airtasker that completed that but I don’t know what’s in there or if either she or Stripes have had a chance to go through it yet.

I think I want to risk having something to eat (maybe a mushroom cup-a-soup) but I don’t know if Book_grim is awake yet and the kitchen is so damned cold, I’m not sure I’m “hungry” enough to make me face that cold! I might write more later, but in the meantime I think I’m going to snuggle down under the duvet and see if I can regain the sensation in my fingertips!

Thin Skinned Day

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Week 2 of Liquids

Sometimes I feel like I’m turning into a right Jekyll and Hyde.

Middle of the night, when Book_grim gets home from work, it feels like we can have a conversation that isn’t full of undertones – negative or otherwise – but as soon as the light of day hits, anything we say to each other is just so full of misunderstandings. Maybe in the middle of the night, I’m in a quieter place mentally, so it’s easier to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and understand more of where she is coming from? Or maybe during the day, I’m just harsher, more judgemental, more likely to snap? I don’t know – it’s something that’s been preying on my mind for a while now and I guess it’s something I will have to figure out how to address.

My SimplyBe order arrived and it’s (quite literally) a mixed bag. The coat that I thought was going to be huge on me doesn’t feel like it will do up. I’m less than a fortnight out of surgery, so just why I thought I’d be swimming in it I have no clue, but I felt a little disillusioned? Not helped by the fact that when I showed it to Book_grim, she made some comments about the texture that made me feel some type of way.

The pretty dress I decided to treat myself to in a size 26 barely fits onto my shoulders and I am struggling to imagine a time when it will fit my whole body. I didn’t even open the cycling shorts, vests, trousers or pyjamas because I couldn’t cope with more disappointment. I did get the rest of my presents for the Oldest and they are now all wrapped and ready for Santa_Stripes to do her deliveries!

This morning, I ventured into the kitchen and made myself a milky coffee. It was weird – I can’t actually think of a time since we moved here that I took over the kitchen to just do something like that for myself but not only did I manage it, but I didn’t have to sit down in the middle of it all. Achievement but I also need to be careful not overdo it. I read through the Bariatric Bible to see what I should be consuming in a day, and I’m still not up to the basics that they mention. Weird, because as of this Friday, I should be moving onto pureed stuff, and the list of things I should be consuming in a day seems more than a little overwhelming.

And addressing the (teeny) elephant in the room, the scales went up for the first time since surgery and I’ll admit, I had a bit of a freak out. My first thought was that Mom was right and I should have been paying more attention to the scales and not letting myself get derailed by thoughts of cars, etc. Then I calmed down, reminded myself of just how much I’m not eating, and that fluctuations are going to happen and I need to roll with them. So damned easy to fall back into that frame of thinking – I need to be more analytical and conscious of things and not slip into old patterns of thinking. That is going to be difficult.

I’m so freaking tired. My incisions look really gnarly – no weeping, heat or anything like that – but there are times when it feels like the tugging from inside is going to make me feel sick. Room temperature milk seems okay, but just a little bit too cold and suddenly I’m chilled all the way through.

Stripes is making chowder for dinner and has said she’s happy to blitz some for me and I am salivating at the idea. I know it’s just a home-made cup-a-soup, but it’s the food that everyone else is eating which makes me feel like a normal person. Rather than a hodge-podge of body parts rattling around in the cavern of my chest, barely held together with glue. Actually reading that, I think I might need to have a nap and/or an early night because I am obviously going through something mentally!

I have a couple of books to read and I would like to plan my medicinal vaping timing-wise to ensure that I get a decent amount of sleep. I’ve managed to take my Lansoprazole the last couple of days, am getting better at taking the paracetamol suspension, but I haven’t been taking my antidepressants, the migraine stuff – it’s still all very basic. So, I need to keep ahead of the pain in my knees and my guts so that I’m not feeling like crap. I know it’s only just been a week since surgery, but I want to make the absolute best try I can at getting into good routines from the beginning. I want to make this work for me at it’s optimum whilst also allowing myself time and space to be human.

All that to say, I’m going to log off, grab a book and chill out until it’s time for our youtubers and watching something together later. I guess I’m having a waterworks day – oh goody!

Self Improvement continues - Therapy!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.3 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

I was still up when Book_grim got home from work and we chatted for nearly an hour – just about how things were going at work, some comments made by a colleague of theirs, that kind of thing. Somehow (can’t remember how) we got onto care of incisions and we found some data that seemed to say I should have been keeping my incisions moisturised with Vaseline or something similar. It’s really weird – scabby lumps of flesh, glue, dead skin – and I can’t tell if they’re healing well or not. A couple of them look like they’ve been strained by the coughing/sneezing and that kinda put the wind up me.

I’m still struggling with gas pains – at least I assume that they’re gas pains – and perhaps it’s time I experimented with different temperatures of liquid. I ended up doing a light vape of Big Narstie’s Moroccan Peach and finally went to sleep around 6 am(ish) then woke up around 12 this afternoon, so a decent amount of sleep for me. I don’t seem to be suffering any ill-effects from the vaping, so maybe I should consider slowly reintroducing it as a method of pain relief.

Today I had my first ‘session’ with Sh Wellbeing – the discovery conversation where I state what I’m looking to achieve and finding out how I can implement changes to help me succeed. Definitely helped that the ‘players’ are all known and it meant that I didn’t have to censor my words or anything. It was a good conversation, if only to emphasise just how much I have isolated myself from people. The impression being given seems to be that everything is full of love and light up here, with constant visits and support. It felt good to be able to admit the actual reality of things, to fix the erroneous impressions that are being given. Now I just need to apply myself to the homework when it comes through.

Today I tried a Hartley’s Rhubarb and Custard ready made jelly. Felt very strange to be eating from a spoon and the texture was weird. It was watery enough to kinda sluice through my teeth but was so obviously more than just liquid – kinda weird. I want to give it 24 hours without anything else new so that I can see if I’m going to have a reaction to the jelly, but apparently there is a Bakewell or something similar taste one that if this stays down, I am very much looking forward to trying! I realised today that I drank a whole bottle of Protein water by the middle of the afternoon – an achievement because normally I barely manage to get down a whole bottle by the end of the day. So progress is being made, although I’m not sure I’ll be able to finish the second bottle I opened.

Freak-out moment: the girls are watching New Amsterdam whilst I’m catching up on bits and pieces. I just so happened to look up when someone was having surgery on screen and had such a visceral reaction that they paused the TV to ask if I was okay. Like, I couldn’t even explain why it hit me so hard, seeing that on screen, but watching that steel rod entering that person’s body made me realise that just over a week ago, that was ME. That’s why my insides feel like articles of clothing being tossed around in a washing machine – when I rolled over last night without balancing carefully, I literally felt my insides falling around in the space, then the bulge of it pressed against my arm. Just thinking about it makes me want to be sick!

Wrapped all of the Christmas presents that were here – the Oldest’s ones are due to turn up on Monday. Tomorrow, my Black Friday Simply Be order is due – I am so looking forward to the coat, although also having clothes that fit that I can work out in comes a close second. The Resistance Bands I asked for for Christmas are here (ended up being sent an e-voucher and ordering it myself) and Stripes is going to wrap them for me. Look at me being all forward thinking and deciding to do exercise!

Feeling a bit rough around the edges – my incisions are itching and pulling, and I’m feeling a bit worn out so I think I’m going to log off and settle down to watch some TV and/or maybe do some reading!

First Post-Op Shower

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.6 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

Do you know what would be lovely? If an existential crisis was a one and done kind of thing. Instead, it just keeps on happening in dribs and drabs, catching you by surprise, and generally making it very difficult to remain on an even keel. Since meltdown Tuesday, I have found myself looking at my life through slightly different spectacles. I can see where I have utterly cocked things up, but I can also see where I have lain down and let myself be walked all over. It’s a strange feeling, realising just how much I’ve put up with over the years in the name of love and family.

Anyway, my main ‘tasks’ for today were to have a shower, dye my hair and (hopefully) feel a little less grebby. Stripes painted my head with a little help from Book_grim – I went for Crazy Colour soft lavender but when it was on my head, it looked a heck of a lot more like deep purple! I was meant to leave it on for 30 minutes, but the three of us were talking so it was on for over an hour. And the colour took – kinda? Some of my hair looks deep blue, some light pink, but definitely some lilac in there!

And I finally had a shower. I was really worried the whole time I was in there that I didn’t want the incisions to get too water-logged, and I tried not to rub or pull at any of the skin on my stomach. It is absolutely insane how covered in bruises I am – places that I cannot imagine just how I’ve bruised. My stomach feels weirdly empty/hollow – it’s all sagged in on itself. It’s not the most appetising thing to look at, that’s for sure.

I had a mushroom cup a soup with bone broth and made with skimmed milk and it was very tasty. I think it’s been my favourite cup-a-soup so far. It tasted really creamy but wasn’t heavy. 9/10, would definitely, happily have that again.

We’re all booked in for Tuesday for the wet room deep clean, so that’s another thing ticked off of the list. In the new year, I would like to get someone in to do the toilet in the hallway – literally scrub the sink, tiles and walls, make the actual toilet sparkle, and tidy up the storage in there. Actually, I wonder if it’s worth considering swapping the storage from the toilet to the bathroom – it might be worth it in terms of having more space in the bathroom? I shall mention it to the girls.

I decided to treat myself from the SimplyBe Black Friday sale. I’ve ordered the huge chocolate brown puffer coat I’ve been eyeing for a couple of months, some trousers, jimjams, tops/vests, some cycling shorts for when we resume using the resistance bands and an absolutely gorgeous navy/purple dress. I have NO idea where I might wear the dress, but I fell in love with it and just really, really wanted it! I’ve chosen a variety of sizes because I want to have something that fits me available all of the time. I remember from losing weight in the past that having all of your clothes just be too big can actually make you feel worse about how you look, but for the coat I went for the biggest size they did!

Book_grim is back to work tonight and Stripes has asked me to have a go at a piece of digital art manipulation, so it looks like we’re slowly getting back to normality! Works for me.

So weird to not realise just how badly I smelled until I’ve had a shower!

I've caught a cold and one week post-op weight track

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.7 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

I’ve gone down with a cold and feel absolutely dreadful. Everytime I sneeze, I hold on to my abdomen and worry that I’m going to rip my incisions or something and sometimes there is a sharp pain. Of course, I am more than likely hyperfixating and panicking, but I do feel rough.

I ended up crashing out early evening again and slept for around six hours. On the one hand, excellent as rest is essential. On the other hand, it’s also why I was wide awake from midnight! This morning’s weigh means that since I weighed in at the hospital last Thursday morning, I have lost 4.70 kg (10.36lbs) which is nothing to be sneezed at. I know I still have a lot of air inside and I’m not drinking/eating enough, so my body almost feels like it’s hanging on to absolutely everything it can!

I’ve put together a basket for Click’n’Collect from Tesco and will ask Book_grim to go and pick it up. It will be good for to get out of the house and get some fresh air, and I know she used to quite enjoy a ramble around that Tesco as it was near to her Halls of Residence. I cancelled part of an order I’d placed with Amazon as it was saying delivery by next Wednesday which makes a mockery of Prime and I just added the stuff to the Tesco order. I’ve gone for skimmed milk, skimmed milk powder, greek yoghurt, some cup a soups, tissues (soft ones for my sore nose) and a few other bits and bobs. I don’t think I’ll have to order anything again for a little while, not until the girls do the Christmas food shop anyway.

I don’t know what I want to do with my day. I finished the book I was reading (absolutely brilliant and I wrote a review immediately which I posted here but I might take the opportunity to browse through the ARCs available through GRR as I haven’t requested one in a while. Yesterday, I updated my banners so there’s nothing that needs doing there. And this cold means that I don’t particularly feel like trying to write some fiction – my brain has taken a vacation!

I think I might try to stay awake long enough to wake up Book_grim to go for my shopping then have an afternoon nap, try to stay awake this evening and spend some time with the girls. So weird to think that this time last week, they’d probably just popped their head around the curtain to say that someone from Theatre would be coming up to collect me. Bizarre to think that was only a week ago when it feels like I’ve been through so much since then.

I definitely want to try to get the bathroom deep cleaned before Christmas. The guy Book_grim hired to do the kitchen did such a brilliant job, it would be lovely to have that recreated elsewhere in the flat. So maybe I’ll have a tootle around AirTasker and see what prices people are offering for cleaning so that I can get a bargain but not be insulting.

I do have some Christmas wrapping to do, but not feeling up to all the movement required to get that done! I think Book_grim is doing Marmee’s present, I did Vee’s and Stripes is doing Shar’s. When I get my next payment on Tuesday, I’ll order the Oldest’s presents and then my Christmas shopping is pretty much all done. I don’t really do cards so job done. Yep, I think I deserve to snuggle down with my coffee and a book and doze until it’s time to do the next thing on my list.

Buckle up, it's a LONG emotional one!

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 159.9 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

Only two more subcutaneous injections to prevent blood clots and thank goodness for that. I am covered in bruises, although none that Stripes has made are anywhere near as impressive the one on my right arm from the hospital. They sting like hell and make me ache and I will be glad to see the back of them.

Last night, I had another ‘normal’ trip to the bathroom – I was thinking that I needed to take a stool softener just to be sure but felt pretty positive. Settled down to watch a movie and realised I needed to go again – and quickly. What followed – oh my goodness, this was satanic! It was up there with some of my Ozempic blow-outs and I’m still in shock. Obviously there was a lot of stuff going on following the surgery and my body is expelling all of the toxins, but I didn’t manage to fall asleep after that.

I did a lot of thinking about the stuff that was happening yesterday that had me spiralling. Part of me wants to just pretend it didn’t happen, or that I was just having an emotional day. But then I wouldn’t really be facing my feelings and I don’t want to keep going through the same thing over and over again because I refuse to face it. This is going to be long and I fully understand that a lot of people will have no interest in it – if so, no hard feelings!

I moved back to my home-town following my second divorce, at the urging of my mother and my sisters. They said they would support me, help me get back onto my feet, get the weight off and have a better quality of life. That wasn’t really what happened though. Ever since I moved away to go to university, it has pretty much always been me travelling the 200 km to visit them; staying in hotels or taking over spare bedrooms with my kids – it was just how things were, and since I loved driving, I kinda just accepted it. However, with the decline in my health – the stroke, the heart attack – as well as the issues during Book_grim’s childhood, I was hoping for more.

It was difficult for them to understand my mental health struggles – it wasn’t really something that was discussed particularly openly – and although it wasn’t quite ‘just get a grip and get on with it’, that was part of the feeling I got whenever I felt overwhelmed or needed support. Stripes ended up taking on the role of second-parent in most of the situations to do with Book_grim, and I resented the lack of help or support they offered to her. It was fine if they wouldn’t help me, but I hated how uncaring they seemed to be about her.

When I had my stroke, we were pet-sitting my mother’s dog and I was meant to be picking my mother up from the airport. Instead, my sister had to take over the remainder of the week dog-sitting and picking up my mother. My mother was pissed. None of them visited me. None of them called Stripes to see how she was coping. No offers of food, a shoulder to cry on – nothing. Same with my heart attack. There was the sense that if I would lose the weight, everything would just get better. Regardless of the fact that I was unemployed, dealing with a child with behavioural issues, an ex-husband that didn’t contribute financially, mobility issues on top of the weight – it was very much the eat less, move more. They knew it wasn’t that simple – if it was, they wouldn’t have followed a huge chunk of the diets that they and I have been on over the years.

I felt like a disappointment because not only was I unemployed, I no longer owned my own home, lived in a council property, was super morbidly obese and rapidly becoming completely disabled. My disabilities were again dismissed as ‘if I just lost some weight’ although how exactly that would have helped with vertigo, migraines, depression and anxiety I never did figure out.

They were always there when money was tight, but I hated asking because it felt like I was just reinforcing the view that I was a screw-up. It was easier to borrow money from them than ask for a hug, or just cry in front of them. Me and the girls ended up struggling through alone and I stopped talking about my problems because what was the point. They knew that I had enquired about weight loss surgery, but didn’t quite understand the hoops I had to jump through to make it happen, or how long it would take (around three years in all).

Any visits were undertaken by us – not sure why this continued to be the norm. I was the one who could least afford the petrol, the car upkeep, and yet I don’t think they visited the first council flat I got in all of the years we lived there after we initially moved in. We have been living where we are now for nearly six years, and they have probably visited three times. Putting up boundaries was difficult because the things they said or implied, the way they treated me, very much matched the inner voice that told me I was a fuck-up, so why would I argue with them about it? I remember one time I stood my ground – we were meant to be planning a big family trip and we went to my sister’s house. I was tired, in pain and just wanted to get the organising out of the way, but everyone was having too much fun for serious conversation. I explained how I was feeling and that if they didn’t want to get to the organising bit, I’d just go home. They continued messing about so I left. It was never really brought up again, apart from me ‘getting over my little tantrum’.

Nearly every time I visited my mother over the last few months, she will put on ‘1000 lbs sisters’ or things of that ilk. I think she has always found obese people to be disgusting and watched almost out of a sense of horror. The most praise I ever received from my mother was when I was following a liquid diet and lost nearly 100 lbs. Her most cherished memory is me picking her up from the train station and not recognising me because I had lost so much weight. I know this because I have been told it many, many times. When Stripes was diagnosed with an eating disorder, I tried to protect her in ways that I never tried to protect myself. I asked them not to push food on her, make comments on her size (or lack of), just try to be more sensitive. Every invitation we received from them was to meet for lunch or dinner. Forget the fact that financially we couldn’t afford to eat out the way that they could, it felt really insensitive to keep making everything about food. Also odd to on the one hand nag someone to do something about their weight and on the other hand to be shoving chocolates, biscuits, high calories foods, etc in their face every time they visited.

When I asked if we could do something other than eat, there was a chorus of absolutely. What it actually meant was that we stopped being invited anywhere. Anytime we visit them, comments are made along the lines of ‘well I know there’s no point offering you anything to eat’ or ‘there’s food there if you want it’ to me. So, yeah, not great.

When I began using Ozempic, they still didn’t understand. That was something celebrities used, not normal people. Why couldn’t I do it the ‘normal’ way – again, eat less, move more. They struggled to understand that if the government was prepared to agree that I was disabled enough to qualify for financial assistance, that maybe I wasn’t just being lazy and that I actually do struggle with physical and mental disabilities. I know they thought Ozempic was going to be a flash in the pan. I sometimes mentioned how I was doing, but since I only really spoke to them over WhatsApp or telephone, it wasn’t in their faces.

When I got the surgery date, it all became very real. As I say, visiting meant watching My 600 lb Life and programmes like that. Constant comments about people ‘like that’ as if she weren’t making it clear that she thought of me the same way. I celebrated losing over 100lbs and they barely mentioned it – my friend who I haven’t physically seen in over a decade sent me a gift of £100 to celebrate with. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting them to throw me a party but – well, it might have been nice to get more than a reaction emoji on the WhatsApp message.

Since the surgery, my mother has amped up her comments – constantly going on about me ‘not cheating’ or acting stupid like those women on the TV. Most of the time, I ignore it but since Sunday, I’ve been slowly feeling some type of way. I mentioned that I was thinking about getting a car and Vee was discussing making sure it was clean air compliant to make sure that it didn’t end up costing me unnecessarily. Mother said “Concentrate on getting better, your car will come later when you are not restricted”. Not restricted, like – what does needing a wheelchair to get around mean other than being restricted? Again, the idea seems to be that losing the weight will mean that suddenly I won’t be disabled and will suddenly regain some value? Whatever.

Was chatting with Vee about various cars, motability, leasing. Mother says ‘I see you’re still going on about your car. Good that you won’t be seeing anyone until January next year. They really will be looking for you to lose a good amount of weight – I will keep my fingers crossed that you do.”

I was actually quite gentle in my response, explained that no, there were no weight loss goals for the first meeting in January and that came directly from my dietetic nurse. I also explained that the January next year is literally a few weeks away whilst she made it sound like months!

Her reply? Of course it’s weeks but you could lose about two stone – that’s only twenty eight pounds.

My medical team are not putting goals on me, are pleased with my progress, but she’s already decided that I need to be pushing harder. So I replied that I wasn’t sure what that had to do with me looking for a car and that, yes, I know I could potentially lose by then but that I’m just going to follow the rules that they have given me to follow and do what they say. The weight will come off, the same as it did with the Ozempic and that I certainly didn’t go through all of this not to do what they say. I got a snippy response about my point being taken but that she doesn’t want me to behave like those sisters on Discovery+. I did lose my cool a little here and said something along the lines of ‘I got that from the umpteen times you’ve told me’, emphasised that this is a marathon not a sprint, and that I am taking this seriously. I also expressed that the car is a bid for more independence as well as hopefully saving money on Ubers and that I wasn’t leaping into anything. She hasn’t responded to me since then.

I started spiralling from there – it brought back so much resentment that I have obviously been suppressing for quite some time. I spoke to Jay about it and she said it seemed like my mother was acting weird as she would have expected her to be my biggest cheerleader.

One of my first thoughts when she said that was remembering my nephew telling me over a chat on Instagram that he had spoken to my mother about visiting me the next time he was in town but she told him I didn’t like visitors. Like, what? And then I made the mistake of writing down this: ”I don't know if me doing this - especially since it was Ozempic, not something she knows anything about, maybe she feels insecure in her place? Like I've been super morbidly obese for nearly 20 years at this point - what if she wants/needs to keep me in my box? I feel so fucking horrid saying that” because I found my brain just went into overload. Looking back, a lot of it has to do with not sleeping – obviously on top of the surgery, my feelings are very close to the surface. But like – maybe I’m not that far off? Like, the status quo is changing. I might not be able to get a job (currently), but losing the weight will make a huge change in my health. And getting a car enables me to do more because I won’t have to worry about the cost of Ubers, etc.

So do they just want me to stay in my box so that they don’t need to look at their own lives? Am I being arrogant in thinking that me doing this is making them reassess where they are? That maybe I’m not a complete failure or waste of space, and that I hold value just by being myself. That I don’t need to make myself small to fit into whatever space they want to cramp me into.

Of course, all of this could be avoided if I just broke all contact but at this point in time, I don’t see that happening. As it is, I only speak to her once a week; visiting no longer happens; and she only really knows the stuff about my life that I share. So an information diet unless specifically asked means that (hopefully) I can take the time to figure out my feelings, grow a shiny new spine and start living the way that I want to live. Stop trying to convince them that I’m not swinging the lead about being disabled, that I’m not just a fat, lazy waste of space and just consider that their thoughts about me are none of my business. All I can do is try my best – if that’s not good enough for them, that’s for them to deal with.

I wish I hadn’t had my meltdown yesterday but I feel so much better for getting all of this out of my head. It certainly doesn’t mean anything is fixed but it does mean it’s not festering inside me, feeding the negative thoughts I get, causing me anxiety. I can put this away (for now) and move on with meeting my protein goals and getting along with the plan agreed with my medical team. I don’t need armchair physicians who have no idea what they’re talking about.

I’m not being a dick. Jay told me that. Sare told me that. I am merely protecting my peace. If me talking about getting a car is triggering for her, then I shall just stop talking about it. If she doesn’t think I’m working hard enough on my weight loss goals after losing over 100 lbs in a year, that’s not my problem. Having poured all of that out, it feels like something I’d read on AITA on Reddit!

Today is my writing day and this is going to have to count as my writing because it’s about 3000 words long! I’ve made some banners and set up a book review as well. I think I’m going to snuggle down with my book and enjoy a peaceful day waiting for my support pillow to turn up!

The Good - toilet issues, cars and new horizons....

SW⟫ 207.7 | CW⟫ 160.4 |

Post Surgery Diet⟫ Liquids

Good grief, there’s just so much to write that I don’t know if I have the mental capacity. Maybe I should try to put it all into chronological order so that I can keep it all straight.

Around 6.40 am last night (strange to call it last night but since I didn’t actually go to bed, that’s what it was) I felt the urge - maybe that was why I couldn’t settle to sleep. Anyway, trying not to panic because I’ve read stories where the first BM post-surgery is like giving birth, I set up soothing music on my headphones, grabbed my phone and headed to the bathroom. They were right, it was a lot like giving birth – lots of slow gentle pushes and breathing, but nowhere near as bad as I feared. And no need for an enema, which is such a relief as I had absolutely no idea just how I was going to contort myself into whatever positions were required to handle the miralax.

I didn’t go to bed because by the time I’d finished, it was like nearly 8 am so I thought I’d spend a little time with Stripes. It was nice actually – she joined me in bed once she’d fed the cats, and I burbled nonsense at her for nearly an hour. Then I got to act like the parent for once and called the pharmacy on her behalf to find out where her prescription had gone. They had finally received her prescription and we managed to get it arranged to be delivered today, so win!

Had a phone call from the support team at Heartlands, checking in after the surgery. We had a good chat, he reminded me of the meds I had brought home from the hospital that I needed to begin taking and asked if I had any questions. I didn’t really – about showering, some of the bruising being so extensive and he let me know my first physical support meeting would be on 6th January up at Heartlands and a letter would follow. I asked about a weight loss goal for that meeting and he said they didn’t set them – this was to introduce us properly to the team, check in on how we were coping with foods, meds, guidelines, etc so all good. He did suggest I contact my GP to ask about a blood sugar level monitor but I didn’t do that today because everything went to shit.

I think I’ve figured out the best way to do this is to do a ‘normal’ post about the bog-standard stuff going on. Then a post with a warning about the rant it will no doubt contain that people can avoid if they don’t want to read it, especially since it includes decades old family drama/trauma.

Doing a poo meant the scales dropped nearly a kilo which blew my mind and set me up to be in the best mood since before surgery, especially as the fortuitous timing meant I could relay a good weight loss and progress to support team.

The car stuff. I’ve been thinking with all of the medical appointments I will be attending in 2025 and beyond that paying for Ubers is going to be prohibitively expensive and maybe it might be time to get a car again. It would be a nice bit of independence; since I fit in a more standard wheelchair, we won’t need an SUV, we can get a little run-around suitable for the three of us. Stripes suggested that rather than buying a second-hand car using my PIP money (if we get awarded it) then we could go the motability route. Which could be brilliant – it handles the MOT, services, RAC, insurance – everything. Bad point? Losing out on the money on the daily basis – that could be difficult. Found an absolutely gorgeous Chrysler Ypsilon (red with a black bonnet) and kinda fell in love, but also found a brown Vauxhall Mokka which I liked a lot!

And then I suffered a brain fart this evening and realised that it’s only the mobility portion of the award that gets taken for the car. The care component would still come to me, which means this could actually be something within our reach. Depending on whether I get the award. But one step at a time. There might actually be a way for me to end today not utterly homicidal.

Okay, I think I’m actually going to end the ‘nice’ part of today here. I might come back and write everything else or I might just let the desperate need for sleep win.