Surgery Countdown⟫ Post Surgery Day
The next day seemed to be absoluely full of people waking me up with stab me with needles, take my blood pressure and give me nasty tasting stuff. I remember making my way to the bathroom a couple of times and having to ensure I used to bedpan so that they could ‘measure my output’. Stripes and Book_grim came and I got a little emotional – I think I had semi convinced myself that I wasn’t going to make it through surgery and would therefore never see them again. I dozed a lot while they were there, then they popped off to have some lunch, while I dozed some more.
I vaguely remember being praised for walking back and forth to the bathroom, but to be fair I was following the advice of J and people I have read on bariatric subreddit who says its important to be up and moving as soon as possible. Book_grim had to leave as she had to get ready for work, so she took my suitcase with her. We saw the surgeon who was more than happy for me to go home – apparently my liver was in excellent condition so those four weeks of hell were worth it! I have no idea how Stripes managed to carry everything as I had meds, extra compression socks, clothes, syringes as well as my CPAP machine but we got me, all of that kit and her in an Uber and we came home!!!
Worst moment was when a car turned in front of our Uber and he had to slam (gently) on the brakes – me with no seatbelt as I figured it would just hurt too much! Apart from that, it just felt like a very long journey because it was basically 5.30 in the evening, so peak traffic time.
Once I was home – actually in my bed, with cats milling about, I felt like I wanted to cry but more than anything I was just so freaking grateful. Grateful that the surgery happened, that I came through well, that although I am in a LOT of pain, I’m home.
A very quick, sneaky weigh that should in no way shape or form mean anything, but I not only met the medical goal they set for me (heavily raised eyebrows for that) but I have now lost 101.85 lbs.
I’m gonna try to get some sleep and tomorrow see if I can start having more than just protein water, although to be fair, the protein water I’m having is quite nice. I’ll have to do a review of it when I’ve tried a couple of more flavours.
I want to try to get this all down as well as I can remember, and it also gives me some time to sip on paracetamol and protein water. We got there around 6.40am and there was a little bottleneck of people all trying to be the first ones onto the ward. Not that it mattered since we all got let in at 7am and were then assigned a cubicle. They did it that way so that the surgical staff could go round and meet everyone in one go, and the tiny curtains meant if you heard the first conversation you didn’t really need to hear it again.
Not much point doing ‘five more minutes please’ as I’ve been awake since just after 4 am. Looks like having an Exante shake yesterday maybe made a difference or it could just be a huge coincidence – it doesn’t matter now.
I didn’t meet my medical goal – still bitter about it.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the sense God gave a lemming. For the past week, I’ve been having three slimfasts per day and struggling. I constantly have a bubbly stomach, some flatulence after drinking one and no bowel movements. But I persevered because I wanted to stick to the all-liquid plan. 
I want to say that I’m resigned to the fact that I’m not going to meet the medical goal they set for me, but I would be lying. The scales this morning took me back to where I was on 12th November, so in 13 days I’ve basically lost a big fat nothing and I feel shit about it. There’s nothing more I can do – or could have done – and there’s a lot of resentment that I have been trying to *bleeping* hard to get absolutely nowhere.
Only slept for a couple of hours last night, so getting up at 8.30 was hard. I always forget how long it takes to get to the hospital – we’re going to allow about on hour on Thursday just to be safe.
Today we went and visited my Marmee. It was actually a pretty peaceful visit – she insisted on sharing episodes of 1,000 lb Sisters with us, which I’m not sure if it was meant to be encouragement or what!! I crashed out for a while, so she was chatting to the girls for a while about cars, etc. All in all, it was a peaceful visit and I’m glad I went – I just feel exhausted. 
Blimey, it’s absolutely freezing! 
So what’s got me so agitated that not only have I not slept yet, but I’m still up at 9.15 having written just under 2000 words for a fic? Some of it is simply that I didn’t wake up until late afternoon yesterday, so it’s no wonder I didn’t have an early night.
I didn’t sleep last night – can’t even explain why because I wasn’t doing anything. I guess my mind was on the fact that I have decided on seven days of just liquid, which reinforced the idea that the countdown is getting to the nitty-gritty. I didn’t wake up until late in the afternoon which could be a blessing in terms of not having to be awake for long.
J has sent me a couple of recommendations for protein powder, which is excellent. I’m just not sure how to use them. I mean, do I just add them to the slimfast shakes? Does the protein powder replace the slimfast shakes? I have protein water, protein powder that can be made into peanut butter spread, plain protein powder – do I just add it to shakes or eggs? I guess I need to dig deeper into things. I also need to check my budget – some of this stuff might have to wait until well after the first as all of the beginning of the months are due to come out and I have so many Ubers to pay for in the next week.
Blood pressure appointment on Saturday; visiting Marmee on Sunday; blood tests on Monday; and then surgery on Thursday. Yeah, that’s gonna take a chunk of money.
I still haven’t received my order from NewYou and have heard nothing from Parcelforce. I booked a redelivery for Tuesday which didn’t turn up, so I went back onto the Parcelforce website and booked another redelivery for Friday. I am getting so pissed off – if I hadn’t made the decision to add food and waited on those soups, I would have been shit out of luck and I am not pleased. Regardless, I want my order and I want something better than a voucher to use on their site when at this point in time I don’t ever want to use it again.
We watched Independence Day (Book_grim for the first time) and I got very emotional. I don’t know if it was the drunk pilot who was going to die and just asked that they tell his kids that he loved them, but by the end I was a blubbering mess and had to ask for hugs from the girls. Which they provided and basically hugged all of the tears out of me – they are so freaking special. So emotional meltdown two I guess!! Anyway, I’ve had two shakes so far today (cookies and cream hot reminds me of the taste of the Cambridge banana tetras which were lovely), so one more and I can call it a day. The flatulence is back and my stomach feels very bubbly so I guess the diarrhoea won’t be far behind. Not a bad thing – get everything cleared out and hopefully get the scales going back down because they have been creeping up and it’s freaking me out!
Going to spend the rest of the evening working on the beanie that I’m crocheting – I want to try to get it finished so I can wear it to visit Marmee on Sunday, but either way it will get used. And it gives me something to do with my hands.
Another day over and hopefully even unmedicated, I can get to sleep. The snow that’s falling hasn’t been settling and we’re expecting rain on Saturday and Sunday. Better rain than snow since I’m going out on both of those days. Over and out!
Well, any hope I had that the burgundy pink patches on my head might have faded overnight was unwarranted – I still look piebald. I think I might start to crochet myself a couple of beanies – not because I’ll get the chance to use the but to feel like I’m doing something useful! I’m getting more than a little concerned about the numbers on the scales – I know that going full liquid will help but it’s making me panic slightly about not losing enough for next week. Next week – yeah, saying that doesn’t help much with the panic.
I got a good night’s sleep, a lot of which was because Stripes let me ramble for nearly half an hour last night before we went to bed. I don’t even know if I was making anything resembling sense, but I did let out a lot. I woke up around 7 am but just wasn’t feeling like being awake so thought I might try to have a nap. Woke up around 3 pm so I guess I wore myself out having my meltdown yesterday. Managed to write about 1000 words on my writing day, whilst Book_grim handled the delivery of the new cooker. All looked like it was going well until the men had left and turning the cooker on tripped the electrics.
I’ll admit, I had thoughts of ‘we bought a new cooker for nothing’ but Stripes had the number of the delivery guys from when they contacted her to say that they had arrived, so Book_grim called them back and they sorted out. A combination of loose neutral wire or something like that? Regardless, the cooker was on and we had electrics so I’d call that a win. And of course, it’s the last night of me eating so I won’t get to enjoy any of the spoils of the new appliance.
Sent Marmee a message letting her know me and the girls would like to drop round and visit on Sunday. I don’t think I’m going to make a thing of visiting the sisters – I’ll hit up WhatsApp the morning of surgery and leave it as that. I don’t think any of us needs the emotional whirlwind or awkward conversation if we meet up. And I don’t plan on telling anyone else what’s happening – they can find out afterwards.
So tonight is my last night eating before surgery (unless it gets postponed or rescheduled) and my last night vaping. I guess I better make the most of it! We have the last two episodes of Cross to watch and things are definitely hotting up. So glad it’s already been green-lit for a second season as I’ve really enjoyed watching Aldis Hodge as Cross and Isaiah Mustafa in something other than Shadowhunters. I have a couple of books I want to read but I think my writing is done for the day.
I was going to do some work on my prompt for Swap of Joy on 
Having one of those days that just feels like nothing is ever going to go right. I bought some wash in, wash out hair dye to have a last-ditch effort to colour my hair. It looked all sorts of promising – my whole head was the colour of deep aubergine but by the time I rinsed it out, basically everything but my roots was orange. It was horrific and I don’t know how I didn’t just cry then and there.
Instead, I tried to put some extensions in (Book_grim went out and bought me some hair) but I got about ten plaits in and it all felt so absolutely pointless. So after having a bit of a mini meltdown, I shaved it off. What makes it even worse is that the dye has taken to some parts of my scalp and not others so now I have a weird pinky piebald effect all over my shiny bald head. I think I’m going to have to find some bandanas or something to wear because I don’t have the confidence to go out in public looking like this. At the moment, I’m sat wearing one of my winter hats under my headphones because just the thought of my head makes me want to bawl. Maybe when I’m feeling stronger, more confident, I’ll rock it but not at the moment.
I had what should have been a NSV when I put on one of my older nightshirts which used to sit about mid-thigh I guess? Now it basically reaches my knees the way a nightshirt is meant to and it basically kinda fits where it touches. But instead of being happy about it, I just felt so incredibly vulnerable and small. Maybe it’s just that the reality of things is beginning to sink in, maybe I’m just having a blue day, but I just want to hide under my duvet and wish the world would go away.
I feel guilty for wasting an evening with the girls in self-pity and whining and hate that I have made them feel bad in any way. I’m just feeling like everything is running away with me, with little to no control and I hate it. It doesn’t help that the weather has changed so now we have snow. My knees are adjusting to the change in temperatures and normally I’d be vaping to help with the pain but of course I’ve decided to take a THC break from Wednesday so won’t have that to deal with the pain. And maybe hide behind. It’s easier to let the weed take me away from all of the worries constantly battling for precedence in my head than try to face them and figure out a way forward.
Not like I ever seem to come up with a solution that works for long – patchwork fixes, plasters on top of craters, yeah, sure – but something long term and workable seems to elude me in pretty much everything. I feel like I’m drowning in self-pity but can’t seem to shake it off, so perhaps time to put down the technology. The new cooker is due tomorrow and who the heck knows how well that’s going to go?
Tired me is grumpy. Finally crashed out just after 8 am and woke up just around 2 pm and feeling mardy as all heck. My order from Amazon turned up today (kudos to Amazon despite hating them for removing my reviews) so I have a decent stock of Slimfast now.
Got a reply from NewYou giving me the post office my parcel has been left with and telling me I can just go with a form of address. I was less than impressed – I paid for delivery but have to run around and grab this stuff myself? I think not. I booked a redelivery (allegedly for tomorrow but we’ll see) and responded to their customer service team stating that I would like to know how to make an official complaint about how this was handled. Strangely, from there they found themselves able to lodge a complaint with Parcelforce, ensure I get delivery in the next couple of days and refund the delivery fee. Like I said, we’ll see if they follow through.
Both Stripes and BookGrim had tough appointments today and I was just feeling like sludge, so we ordered from Uber-eats. I had fish and stripped off the batter, along with some garlic mushrooms. We’ll see how my body feels about that no doubt, but at least I ate. I need to have one more slimfast before bed and consider the day done.
I think it’s going to be an evening of Cross or even carrying on with the Predators movies and hopefully an early night.
On another note, I think it might be time for a thc-break. I was going to stop vaping for at least a week before the operation – again, something to add to the surgery tracking spreadsheet so the girls can remind me if I try to blaze after Wednesday. Calling it done here!
Ah, insomnia my old friend! I shouldn’t be surprised I can’t sleep – realising that I am now in single digits until scheduled surgery date was bound to catch me. I’m sat here, cuddled up with Dmi, trying to figure out how I feel so that I can get some sleep.
I put through an order for 24 slimfast, concentrating on cafe au lait, cookies and cream and chocolate. Stripes made me a ready made chocolate with added water and some sf flavourings and it was really nice. And my stomach isn’t feeling too bubbly so I figure I might be safe to aim for a full week of just shakes in the final week. It would help if I wasn’t getting myself all confused about dates, etc. I know I started on 31st October, so I’m always one day ahead – so Monday 18th November is my 19th day following the pre-op diet plan. Hopefully I can keep on top of that, although it doesn’t really matter as long as I do it long enough to drop the 8.5kg and shrink my liver.
My head is a strange place to be sometimes. I’m not feeling sad, depressed, scared – none of those things. But I’m also not feeling particularly positive. Ennui maybe? I know quite a few people who used ozempic and semaglutides struggled with that and worse. Maybe part of it is that the ozempic is leaving my system and I am beginning to fear that I can’t stick to the plan without it as a crutch. It’s been over a week since I had my last jab and the effects must be wearing off by now. I’m not struggling too much – I don’t have any issues with the girls eating with me although occasionally I would happily lock Book (formerly Gidget – long story short, I stole the nickname from her because I thought it was epic but that was quite possibly a dickhead thing to do as I didn’t realise how attached she was to it, so I’m going to try to make sure I use it for her in future and change any reference to myself to something else) into a closet so I could steal her snacks but that feeling does tend to pass once the wrapper sounds have ceased. But Mom keeps sending me pictures of her food – today was apple pie and custard and I was slightly tempted to lick the screen. I have asked her why she keeps torturing me with pictures of food that I can’t eat and she apologise, yet the next day she did exactly the same thing. It’s weird.
I want to make an effort to visit Marmee sometime this week – most likely Saturday if she’s going to be around. I have an appointment to have my blood pressure taken and we could leave straight after that I guess. The thing is, I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if the surgery is going to be a big topic of conversation or whether we’re going to avoid talking about it; if she’s going to say things that I find triggering – I have zero clue. And should I make a point of visiting my sisters too so that I see them all before the surgery? Does that seem morbid or like I’m never expecting to see them again? Maybe I should ask Marmee if she could invite them around, or we all pile around to my brother’s place?
I’ll speak to Stripes tomorrow, get her opinion. I need to put some details into the surgery tracking spreadsheet – packing suitcase, list of items to go into it. I think possibly part of the problem is that I am very much in a hurry up and wait place. There’s nothing I can do now apart from stick to the diet plan and hope that (a) the weight comes off and (b) the surgery doesn’t get rescheduled for any reason. There’s nothing to do which leaves me feeling twitchy.
I am meant to be calling the bariatric dietetic team tomorrow to ask about the struggles I’ve been having with the plan but I find myself thinking is there any point? I mean, if they had got back to me during the week there might have been time to implement some changes but with only 10 days until the surgery, is there any time or point? Again that feeling of being abandoned and feeling a little lonely. It’s a strange place to be.
And after the surgery – is it just protein shakes like the slimfast or should I be on something else? Sometimes I feel like I’ve got a handle on what needs to happen and then other times I feel like I’m just blagging it and am going to mess up horribly. It’s nearly 5 am so I really need to get to bed. Stripes has an ED meeting and Bookgrim has a telephone counselling appointment so tomorrow is going to be a bit high-octane emotion-wise. If I can’t find anything concrete to put my finger on, I need to shelve this and just go to bed.
It’s raining and my knees hurt. This cold is getting worse and I ache all over, as well as a snuffly nose and headache. The bariatric bible says to let your team know if you go down with cough or cold before surgery, so I guess that’s another reason to call the dietetic team on Monday.
Checked on my delivery of soups and allegedly they tried to deliver on Wednesday and left a card to come and pick them up at the post office. We were in all day Wednesday and there is no card, so to say I’m pissed is putting it mildly. I won’t drag the delivery company (yet) but got in touch with NewYou customer services and will see what they have to say.
Still waiting for my BMs to get back to normal after taking the Immodium which I’m sure is why my weight isn’t moving in the right direction. Not time to panic yet. I told Stripes that the fourth week before surgery, I want to follow all shakes (gulp, panic) and generally speaking I react well to those when it comes to losing weight so that should cover that.
I was going to curl up with a book and aim for an early night but will have to see. I would really like to watch some episodes of Cross with the girls, but it depends if they are in the mood for it too. S has also asked me to have a go at a different style of logo so I might do some work on those.
Countdown continues.
Still wide awake as not managed to get to sleep yet. Fed the beasties which meant Stripes got to have a lie-in and have been futzing around the internet. J recommended a woman on YouTube who had a mini gastric bypass, 
I’m only giving myself 15 minutes to do this otherwise I’ll be up all night.
Gidget has just got back from work and it sounds like it was stressful. She’s also very tearful and full of worry about the surgery, especially with how quickly the time is passing.
I feel like shit – I’m putting all of the girls, all of my family through this stress and worry because I haven’t been able to lose this weight without additional assistance. I know it’s not as simple as that – I know there are so many contributing factors that have led to this decision, and I’m pretty sure this is the right decision for me – but I still feel guilty as hell.
The thing is, I don’t want to miss out on watching the girls as they make their way through life. I want to see them happily settled down with partners if that’s what they want; I want to see them discover their passions and make their dreams a reality. And getting the surgery is the best way of doing that. Because there is no way I could continue on the path that I was on – getting bigger and bigger, more and more pinned to the house. That’s no real life.
But I know that if I decided to just stick with food packs/Ozempic, that I could potentially manage to lose the weight on my own. That if I could figure out the magic key to willpower, I wouldn’t have to go under the knife.
Even writing that out, I know it’s bullshit. I’ve been there and tried nearly every diet under the sun and look where it’s got me. If I could do it without intervention, I would have managed to do it by now. The surgery is the best option and I need to constantly remind myself of that – remind myself of what’s waiting for me on the other side. Being able to go to the theatre, pub quizzes at Gidget’s workplace, swimming, yoga – yes, all of the other health stuff will still be there but I will have so much more mobility. I won’t need to bring my wheelchair with me everywhere because I will be able to fit into any wheelchair without worrying.
I know everyone goes through second thoughts before surgery – the fear of what might happen while you’re under the anaesthetic is something that is burnt into my brain. And I know that if I can just keep going, keep heading in this direction and trust the process, things will get better and easier. Gidget is scheduled to work the night after my surgery and I reassured her that I will probably be home before she goes to work on the Friday night. And if I have to stay in an extra night, I’ll be home by Saturday. Her workplace have said it’s up to her if she wants to book the nights off, or go into work and see how things go, which is really good of them.
Sometimes I think the hardest thing about this whole surgery route is not so much the actual surgery but the lead-up and the feelings. Always the feelings.
Well I guess grouchy best describes how I’m feeling this morning. I didn’t have an extremely late night – went to sleep just before 2 am – but we had to be awake this morning as the electrician was coming round to have a look at the oven and see if it’s fixable. Unfortunately, it appears not so we all clubbed together and I’ve ordered a new cooker which is due for delivery and fitting on Wednesday.
I’ve had a slimfast shake this morning and my stomach feels a little fluttery so I’ll keep an eye on that. The plan for today is shower and do my hair (very short braids/twists), maybe some reading and if we get the chance, watch more of Cross.
Got high as balls last night and ended up going to sleep before midnight. Woke up this morning around 7 am and felt pretty good for getting some sleep. However, the fear of the choccy waterfalls has prevented me from hitting the fridge and having a slimfast shake which I know is bad because I have to get above this 300 calories meal per day. I don’t know if I can stomach the idea of just eating 7 yoghurts a day – that’s assuming that it doesn’t make the whole IBS situation worse.
So today I tried a cafe au lait slimfast and apart from a bit of rumbling, there was no rush to the loo. Of course, this could be because I’m starting from scratch – everything came out of me yesterday! Chicken and veg for dinner and it made a lovely change from the fish. I will be trying to have another slimfast before bedtime but am not going to worry too much as I’ve definitely had some nourishment.
Making a concerted effort to finish the 2litres of water and this just might be a successful day!
And I hit 97lbs off today!
Well it looks like the couple of days without diarrhoea have come to an end. Add that to coming down with a cold, and I feel like death. It’s meant to be a writing day but when I woke up around 8 am, I knew I was in no state to try to get anything done, so went back to bed. Finally woke up around 3pm and still feel like shit. The only consolation is that it’s better to suffer and recover from this cold a couple of weeks before the surgery because any closer to the actual date and they might postpone the surgery to give me a chance to recuperate.
Asda is demonic – Stripes ordered some chicken breasts in the bi-weekly shopping so that I could have a change from the white fish fillet I’ve been eating and of course, Asda sent chicken drumsticks and no breasts at all. So fish again tonight. I tried to pull a swifty by having a watered down slimfast shake with some Jordan’s sf syrup but it was shortly after I finished drinking it that the bout in the bathroom occurred so I don’t think I’m going to be able to slide up to two shakes and a meal a day. Since I still haven’t heard back from the bariatic dietician, I’m going to call tomorrow to see if they have any advice for me.
Not sure how I feel about their lack of contact. Initially, it was definitely my fault because I didn’t include all of the pertinent details they needed like hospital number, but I replied on Monday early evening so they had all of yesterday and today to get back in touch with me. A little disappointed maybe? Or maybe it’s just that nearly ever-present feeling of being alone in all of this? It all feels a little too hands off which is worrying.
Up at 5am in the morning with my brain whirring like a hamster on a wheel. Made the most of being awake and entered a chunk of weigh in data to MyFitnessPal since Libra seems to have completely given up working for me. The charts aren’t as pretty but I just really want to be able to log everything in one place so it will do. Maybe I’ll have a look and see if it’s worth going Premium.
Also wrote a 300 word drabble so that was good as I haven’t written for a few days. I keep looking at the Mantra stuff and turning away from it – chicken shit!
Had a catch up with J which was lovely and reassured me about what I’m doing. She was always really good at that – cutting through the BS whilst being kind about it. I think I’m going to try and get some sleep because I have no idea what this phone call tomorrow morning is about – just that they’re calling between 7.30 and 8.30 in the morning and it’s about my diabetes. After Dr B. said that I am officially no longer diabetic, I did wonder if I would hear from them – maybe they want to sign me off everything? Or just remind me that it’s in remission so I still need to attend check ups. Either way, I don’t want to miss the appointment if I can help it.
I had a small meal and one slimfast shake. My tummy has been rumbling, the flatulence is back but at least no diarrhoea – just kinda nasty but nowhere near as bad as it’s been. If the slimfast stays down, then I may just go for one soup, one slimfast and the small meal as my way of coping. Well, until I hear back from the bariatric dietician anyway.
Right, sleep! I’ll write more tomorrow!
Gidget surprised the fuck out of me with a care package. She’s been buying little bits and pieces for a couple of weeks, including a face mask, body moisturiser, a little cuddly red panda – all so that I can take them to hospital with me and use them after the surgery. I was and am gobsmacked – this may well be one of the nicest, most considerate things she has ever done for me. I am incredibly touched and I can’t even find the words to think about what has been going through her head, but I truly appreciate it.
I’m struggling with heartburn? A tight feeling in my throat/chest. Stripes put me on the nebuliser this morning after the call to see if it would help, and I was fine going to sleep, but it’s back again and causing a little discomfort.
And I still haven’t looked at the Mantra stuff. I don’t know if my head has just decided that we don’t have the bandwidth to handle whatever that might bring up but I’ve been reading a book instead. Not even a particularly good one which just shows that I’m avoiding things rather than doing something constructive!
I haven’t had anything to eat yet today (just gone 6.30pm) but the plan is a repeat of yesterday with slightly different vegetables and a slimfast shake afterwards. I need to double-check on my order with MyNewPlan and see when it’s going to turn up. And I started taking psyllium husks this evening – according to my friend, S, they should help keep me regular, etc which can only be good. I know I’m struggling with diarrhoea but the aftermath of taking Immodium is constipation and that can be just a bad.
So where am I? Well, still feeling very touched by Gidget’s thoughtful gifts; grateful to Stripes for making sure I can breathe properly; a little tired; a little disappointed in myself that I haven’t hit the Mantra stuff yet. But overall, I’m doing okay. Sometimes it feels like the surgery is looming and we’re hurtling towards it at an incredibly fast pace and other times it just feels like it’s really far away. It’s hard to describe – maybe a little like a kid waiting for Christmas although I’m not looking forward to it in the same way!
Lots going on in my head so I decided now was a good time to do a look back on how things were.
Back in November 2023, I weighed 201.4kg so had made a start on things. I was using Trulicity and really surprised at how things were going – I was losing weight, and apart from the side effects like constipation and diarrhoea, things were going well. I was on the weight management track but hadn’t heard anything from surgeons or anything like that – I mainly spoke to the Endocrinology department. Just over a stone in weight wasn’t a huge loss but it felt like this time might be different because this time I didn’t have to make HUGE changes. I wasn’t feeling hungry all of the time and felt like I might actually be getting things under control.
I was worried about what might happen if there were supply shortages but felt pretty determined to keep going. I remember reading about the Oviva programme whereby the NHS funded a VLCD for twelve weeks and worrying about coming off of Trulicity/Ozempic to do that. In the end, that didn’t happen – mess ups with the surgery, etc meant that my application got kinda waylaid. I guess that’s completely in the past now.
And now I’m 17 days away from the surgery, over 42.7kg lower in weight, but my head is still a mess. I know that losing the weight isn’t going to fix my whole life. I’ll still have mobility issues; still have osteoarthritis in both knees, sciatica, vertigo, migraines – none of those issues will go away because I lose weight. IBS has been joined by all sorts of other side effects – vomiting, diarrhoea and/or constipation, body image, surgery fears. Sometimes I look at this and feel like I’ve just added a whole host of problems and mental issues on top of what was already there.
I spend a lot of time on the bariatric surgery subreddit and find the stories alternately uplifting and terrifying. People take pictures of themselves before they are going into surgery and my automatic thought is that that will be me soon. The before and after photos of some people are mind boggling and mostly inspirational. Sometimes I feel jealous because it seems like losing even the smallest amount of weight can make some people look like someone else entirely, whereas even now at nearly 95 lbs down, I can’t see a change in myself. Some people talk about how much pain they are in; how badly they have been affected by the surgery; how strange they feel inside their own skin. All things I’m concerned about. I can cope with pain – I have been for years – but I also find extra pain difficult to handle. It’s like I found my level and can pretty much deal with it as long as it remains at about that place, but anything on top and I feel like I turn into a whiny bitch.
Size-wise, it’s difficult to say where I am. Obviously before I spent most of my time in pyjamas (that hasn’t changed) but when I did buy clothes I either bought the biggest female size they did or 8/9xl men’s clothes because I could generally rely on those to fit me. Female size-wise, I have no idea where I am, but I am currently sat here wearing size 5xl trousers and tee-shirt and have room to move. So even if I can’t see the changes, they are there. I am aware of loose skin on my thighs and arms – bingo wings, shifting with each movement; my tattoos sliding to each side of my thighs when I sit down. Nothing is where it used to be and things are just going to get weirder and weirder from here.
I sent a couple of WhatsApp message to important friends, letting them know how much they have meant to me and that I look forward to sharing before and after photos with them in 2025. I don’t think it’s too morbid to do that – I just kinda hate the idea that I disappear and they don’t ever know how much they meant/mean to me.
I did email the dietician team but forgot to put my real name and patient ID so that’s delayed. We’re gonna stick to the one meal and shakes until the soups turn up or until we hear back from the dieticians. I kept down a Slimfast shake last night – drank it very slowly and took sips of water in between, so perhaps it’s how many proteins and nutrients the shakes hold that are too much for my body? I think I will stick to the slimfast shakes for now and leave the ones we have to mix ourselves until after the op.
I have the mantra workbook to get into, although since it’s 5pm I’m not sure if I have the bandwidth to really dive in this late. But I think I need to – the thoughts I was having over the weekend are worrisome.
Surgery countdown continues!
